As a lesson only client you do not represent a significant chunk of income so it should be easy. I would just say thank you for all we have learned but we have found a situation that works better for us right now for several reasons.
No need to go further detail. I would not worry about giving a month’s notice, just do not schedule any future lessons or renew any prepaid packages. If asked why, just say we have found another situation that works better for us right now. It can get awkward if DD takes lessons after you give notice so it is usually best not to put the kid in that position.
You could also just stop coming out and say nothing but think it will be better if you tell her you are not continuing.
Agree with the advice not to tell anybody else before you tell trainer and be sure DD stays quiet.
Most of the time lesson only clients are barely missed when they change.
Sorry, can’t agree on not giving notice. THAT is burning bridges. That will give rise to gossip and drama that can spread to the local community, that lingers long after.
Handled politely and pragmatically, there is no problem spending another month on lessons or any other activity. It also gives a chance to say goodbye to people, that you’ll be seeing them at shows.
If anyone asks why, the answer is “Oh I can’t go into that, this is just the right move for us at this time. Nothing against this program (or stable).”
Disappearing with no notice is really bad form. It’s also childish, imo. Just adult through the notice period, it isn’t hard. And it sets the tone for everyone else to be ok with it.
I am curious if there is a particular reason you are worried? Have you seen “bad blood” to former clients before?
If you have good reason to worry, then I would let your daughter play “innocent” in the arrangement (say she doesn’t want to move and loves current barn), but come up for a reason it makes sense for you (closer, a friend rides at new barn so can car pool, coworker rides at new barn), that way daughter should be clear of any vitriol.
Building off of @OverandOnward post
I’ve been teaching lessons for some time now, and of course have seen students come and go. Some make me sad when they leave, some I don’t even think about again. But I’m going to give you two contrasting examples of kids I liked very much who ended up moving on for the same reason of wanting more horses available to them.
Student 1: about halfway through the month, the mom emailed, very upset, stating that with their family’s changing finances they were needing to move to another barn that had a wider variety of horses at a lower cost, and this would be their last month of lessons and the part lease they were doing. The kid was hugely upset, cried after her last lesson, gave me a gift, and continued to update me on her progress after she moved on. I am happy to see that the changes they made have worked out for them in the long run.
Student 2: (was actually a couple of sisters) took a lesson mid-day one Friday, where everyone seemed their happy, normal selves. I received an email late that evening stating that day had been their last lesson because they wanted to move somewhere with more horse opportunities. No notice, no thank you for your time over the last few years, nothing. And the kicker with this one is that the kids had a tack trunk in the barn, which they did not take with them when they left the lesson but that was gone the next day, meaning they had to have come back when no one was in the barn that evening to pick it up. Very bad form to me. I am polite if they say hi to me at shows but you can bet that bridge was burned and I don’t go out of my way to speak to them.
These two situations were essentially the same reasoning, but the tone of the notice and the actions that preceded and followed letting me know that they were moving on is really what made the difference in how everything has played out since then.
I have also had students who have given notice at the end of a month saying they’re taking a break, or moving in a different direction, or needed to find something cheaper etc etc. All of these things are perfectly understandable, especially for a lesson student. If this is a trainer and farm that your daughter really likes, give her the opportunity to say goodbye to the trainer, horses, and her friends without it being a secret or surprise to anyone.
Absolutely. Based on the experience of seeing other people do it – This “midnight move-out” is the worst possible form, because even if the effect is essentially null, it looks sneaky, underhanded, and generally terrible. It leaves behind the most awkward, enduring feeling, all around.
If someone really wants to clear out overnight with no eyes on them, let the BM know. The BM won’t bother you even if they are around while you’re packing your stuff. And it won’t leave behind such a bad feeling.
As illustrated, disappearing overnight without giving notice becomes a built-up story that lingers in the Tr/BO/M’s mind, and possibly the community. It may feel like a quiet leaving in the moment, but the next day when it is discovered, the gossip & rumor machine kick into overdrive.
I understand someone wanting to leave quietly and without a lot of eyes on them. Me too. But there are periods during regular hours with fewer people around. It’s ok to ask when are the best times of day to quietly gather one’s stuff. And, the time spent moving stuff can be reduced in the weeks/days beforehand by gradually taking things home in a not-so-noticeable, not-dramatic fashion.
A great example of the different impressions that are made by leaving in a straightforward manner, vs. making it even more awkward in a way that lasts in people’s minds, indefinitely. It may feel ‘less awkward’ to sneak out instead of giving proper notice, but instead the awkwardness is no longer momentary, but lasting.
During the notice period, one can maintain their standard schedule comfortably. Most people aren’t going to question closely, or continue to ask after you give them your standard answer. They will also be polite and will also want to make it easier and less awkward.
As soon as they get the impression that the person leaving is not telling tales, not criticizing the program, not elaborating on reasons, they stop asking. They can actually be quite nice about making the time comfortable.
Notice periods can be handled with cheerful reticence about next steps, some standard phrases like ‘we are making this change for family reasons and scheduling’, ‘we’ve enjoyed our time here, Betsy has learned so much’, and just keep moving, smiling, busy and not too chatty.
If it is more comfortable to limit time at the barn for just the month, that’s a strategy, too. But really, other people will be considerate and won’t try to make it difficult.
I’m not a barn hopper as each move was to a different part of the country or barn moving locations, but I always write a thank you note with a small parting ways gift. Then offer to be a reference if needed and the care wasn’t the reason I was leaving.
So far I still chat with all my old barn folks and they are still pleasant to me, at least to my face
Yes, I have left a barn for this reason. Now, the number of barns that have closed in my area will possibly have me returning to the trainer whose barn was originally too far. Options and opportunities change over time. I have always remained cordial and friendly with everyone I have lessoned and boarded with over the years since I have lived in my current area. Ours is a pretty small area. I have been fortunate not to have had any bad situations or interpersonal troubles.
It all depends on the specific situation…its nice to tell them early you are moving but that does not always go well. I do not think it necessary to give specific reasons, especially if, in your opinion, there is something you feel another barn would do better. You dont need to explain your reasons if another barn better fits your needs at this time.
With no boarding, lease, training or subscription type pre paid contracts in effect, you do not really have to give notice…but it is very nice to say goodbye if you feel they really are your friends or will at least react as professionals.
IME it’s about 50/50 when leaving a barn. More likely to go south when moving with a horse to create some drama even with appropriate written notice. As just a lesson client, it is usually smoother…
I just moved barns after being at my last one for 25 years! My trainer m/owner retired and sold the barn and I just didn’t feel like I fit in anymore (I no longer own or lease and am back on school horses) but I just felt like they were not wanting me there on a school horse (I’m no longer jumping 1.10 and am quite happy at 2ft6 and lower but there were a few comments made so I decided to cut my losses. New owners are still lovely people but I no longer fit in there!
I just wrote a nice letter thanking them for everything and how I will miss everyone but need to step down from showing. You just never know when you’ll need to go back! I still go watch friends who ride there and the new owners are always welcoming and friendly! No bridges burnt
I’m now at another local barn which is smaller but I adore the trainers and all the people (I’ll add a few of us there together). I’m now being offered horses to flat for people and am on a lovely saint of a horse that’s older and been there done that and I’m having fun again! I’ve even been offered the chance to go to a small show if I want to which I didn’t have at the old barn sadly.
Thanks, I probably should have added more details. We have a barn family there and it feels like home, I have friends there, she has friends there and I don’t want to leave, but my daughter has become increasingly unhappy there. She isn’t allowed to make some decisions for her horse that she feels should be her choice. I happen to agree with her on that, it is not a safety issue either. I’m not a helicopter barn mom, she is very independent and more than capable of knowing what should be done with the horses. I don’t interfere. She has talked to her trainer and the trainer just shuts her down. Also, she has a really hard time hearing how they speak about other clients in front of her. She believes if they talk about other people in front of her then it is a given that they talk about her behind her back.
So the reasons for leaving aren’t ones that I feel I can voice on the way out and still have an open door for a return, which I need to have.
I am being super careful as to not let anyone know what we are thinking until I have found a very good option to go to. I know once the cat is out of the bag, everything will change. I will definitely give proper notice and do everything above board because these trainers all know eachother around here and I don’t want to cause any issues between any of them. We all go to the same shows so we all have to be friendly…
Talking about clients in front of other clients is a giant red flag. As your daughter intuits, who knows what other unprofessional behavior is going on.
Time to go. Before a stupidity breakout happens. Just imo.
Your daughter sounds very sensible and pragmatic about the situation. And caring of her horse. Just from your one para, I’m on her team.
Yup. All you can do is behave correctly and not blame yourself for their bad behaviour. Your daughter already has it figured out which is good, because women often beat themselves up over the toxic behavior of other people that they can’t control. Lots of women have a personal identity of “I’m a nice person, I can make anyone like me, i can smooth all interpersonal conflict, I can protect my child by diplomacy.” But when you are up against toxic people you cannot, and it doesn’t matter how much you smile etc. So it’s not a fail and you did nothing wrong.
So behave in a way you have nothing to feel ashamed over and let things take their course.
You talk about running into them at shows. All you need to say is hi, how you doing? And keep walking
Also once you are out, guaranteed everyone else local will roll their eyes and say "oh yes, that place "
Based on the info you have given, I really doubt you will leave without one end of the bridge burned. Not by you.
If the trainer talks poorly of current customers…it’s a given, you and your daughter will be spoken poorly of, if that hasn’t happened already.
Oh dear…time to go. Based on 50+ years in boarding barns, all you can do is keep your chin up and not let her hitch you to the drama llama. You bet she has been talking about you and DD behind your backs if shes been talking trash about other clients to your DD…what adult business owner does that with a child???
Do not let her make you defensive about your choice to change barns, you do not need to point out any reasons other then the other place suits your needs better right now. Start nice and civil…maybe you will get lucky.
Based on experience with this type “trainer” once you tell her you will be leaving, you may end up leaving sooner than you planned. Either because you are asked to leave immediately or the barn atmosphere makes you too uncomfortable to stay. Be prepared just in case that is the way it goes just stay on the high road. If your barn family is worth calling friends, they will understand and still be your family. If not, they are not worth worrying about.
For what its worth, I have kept friends in most barns I left if they were decent, well managed barns to begin with. But sometimes I missed some of what was really going on and leaving that barn lifted a huge weight off I did not even realize I was carrying as well as exposing who my barn “friends” really were.
Please let us know how this goes, it helps many who read this work through their own challenges
This. With a big grin and upbeat tone! Set the tone before they even have you clearly in their sight. A quick “hi!” and nothing more needs to be said.
That goes for your notice period as well. Even if Tr/BM doesn’t react well … you can smile your way past her and everyone else, minding your own business.
A good chance for your daughter to learn how much power she has even over older adults. Just by maintaining her own demeanor and speech, for the duration.
Also based on this insight you have shared into the Tr/BM, OP, be prepared for them to be very professional at first – but go to pieces later. You may feel as if you have it all in hand because the initial talk went so well. But then, a few hours or days later – bam, trainer snaps.
IF that happens, trainer may suddenly and inappropriately unload a bunch of imaginary charges that she thinks you made against her, that you have never mentioned. And never thought!
Why do they do this? Because they believe that everyone else is as toxic as they are, and maybe even worse. They see the world as a contest of toxicity – the cleverist with their poison, wins. Their anxiety spikes if they don’t think that they are the winner, the dominating person. That is why they behave as they do.
A word that there is no winning this discussion and it is best handled with something like a calm, soothing, matter-of-fact “I didn’t say that and have never thought that, and I am so sorry you feel that way.” But nothing you could ever say would convince them otherwise. It is best to avoid answering point by point – they won’t back down, they deeply believe you are lying, they know better. Because they believe that the way they think and operate is the way everyone thinks and operates. Just keep moving, as best you can. That’s when leaving early might be a consideration.
There are certain kinds of people who are keen to appear very poised and professional when they are first given inopportune information. But they aren’t objective. They dwell and stew on it. Because it makes them feel as if they are on the losing side. A lot of circular thinking happens that ramps up in a negative way. Until they are overcome with the desire to unload on the person they think created the situation. Delivered as accusations, even though the charges have no foundation in facts.
Of course anyone would be surprised and overwhelmed by all of the untrue negative assumptions they are being charged with. Unfortunately, attempting to refute, even argue, the points, just enrages the aggrieved party even further.
Hopefully it doesn’t come to that! If it does, it may be that the Tr/BM takes even better care of the horse to prove to all & sundry what a horrendous mistake you are making.
But you can move on and just pretend it never happened when you see them later on. That’s more powerful than all of their toxicity.
