Just do not let her engage you in a point by point discussion. Do not take that bait, it will be pointless. You do not need to defend yourself or your DD. Disengage as gracefully as you can should she turn the conversation that way. Like I said, maybe you will be lucky but be prepared and coach DD about the possibility and be sure she knows not to get sucked into the drama swamp.
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Last sentence is so key. Of the various people who left (under average circumstances) the ones who seemed to ignore us or avoid us burned bridges the fastest. Itâs always an odd situation no matter what
This reminds meâŠand sadly it may require precautions to be taken to prevent injury to horse or other nastiness if current place becomes dangerous rather than just toxic.
OP may be well advised to have a possible early exit plan in place, either attendance at a show current barn will not attend, or arrange for Daughter and horse to be attending a clinic/learning opportunity from which location the horse could be moved to new barn. I hope this is not necessary, but one never knowsâŠ
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I e moved a couple of times. Honesty is important, diplomacy is as well. Itâs not the time to complain about past issues, rather, express gratitude for what you e received and offer a simple and truthful reason - budget, commute, change of priorities/goals etc. And afterwards be sure to speak kindly of the previous facility and staff, and be cordial / friendly at shows etc.
While our personal goals and priorities have changed over the years, Iâve remained close to our previous barn owners and trainers and recommend them often to folks who sound like theyâd be a good fit for the programs.
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Going back may never be an option for you no matter what you say or do. That is NOT on you either nor should you fret over âcreatingâ a situation that has been forced on you? She is a bully.
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Iâve seen the opposite experience, too. Sometimes people are very hurt at first, or are worried about their business/bottom line. But then, time passes, and they realize you are still the same nice person they liked having as a customer, and the hurt feelings fade.
Thatâs why I think the advice youâve been given about how to leave should have a long tail. Be professional, be kind, donât talk behind the personâs back afterwards. AND: Keep doing this for months or however long it may take for things to blow over.
You canât control other peopleâs reactions, and sometimes, a trainer will get upset no matter how well you behave. But if you keep being friendly and polite, sometimes you can ease back into a friendly relationship, even if the breakup itself is a little rocky.
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Thank you, these are very good points and some perspectives that I didnât think of.
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OP you mentioned that it will be hard for you to leave behind people in the barn that you know.
I have found that there is no guarantee of how much longer anyone will still be in a program, or in a barn. Sometimes the barn/program population is the same for years. Then for whatever reason there is quite a bit of turnover over just a few months. Not always related to the barn itself.
If there are some issues going on, sometimes after the first person leaves, over the next few months there will be a parade of others leaving as well. It is as if things linger and fester, until the first person shows the way out.
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We have a horse there
Itâs a little bit of a different situation. Yes, we are technically clients but my daughter has been brought into the so-called âinner circleâ of this barn because she has become a trainer there. So while it is still bad that they discuss clients in front of her, sometimes it is necessary, other times it is stuff my daughter just doesnât want to hear.
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Is she a paid employee or still a minor working in return for âfreeâ lessons or board discounts?
These situations sound good and are presented as a âspecialâ arrangement not offered to the average client. The reality is they can get murky. Is there a written employment agreement or contract in place here or is it all off the cuff and under the table? Is DD covered by the barn liability insurance? Covered by barn medical insurance? You realize if DD is training or teaching and somebody gets hurt this gets really complicated and it happens all the time.
Dumbest thing I ever heard a trainer say is âoh, that horse will never hurt anybody and they wonât sueâ. The hell they wonât.
You really need to think about this. Trainers can take horrible advantage of young girls wanting to ride more and maybe turn Pro and it can get really difficult to end the arrangement and move.
How old is DD?
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The last barn I rode at was a dream come true. It was run like a business with no nonsense and no drama. If you had to move on, no hard feelings. They had plenty of clients to keep them busy so perhaps professionalism does sell after all.
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That was the common factor in barns I stayed at-run like a real business. Stayed until my situation changed and they no longer met my needs-like I moved. Or they sold out, drastically changed the operation or died but never a hint of hard feelings.
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