How to successfully leave long time barn without burning bridges

[findeight]

Just do not let her engage you in a point by point discussion. Do not take that bait, it will be pointless. You do not need to defend yourself or your DD. Disengage as gracefully as you can should she turn the conversation that way. Like I said, maybe you will be lucky but be prepared and coach DD about the possibility and be sure she knows not to get sucked into the drama swamp.

[alwaysforward]

Last sentence is so key. Of the various people who left (under average circumstances) the ones who seemed to ignore us or avoid us burned bridges the fastest. It’s always an odd situation no matter what

[sdlbredfan]

This reminds me…and sadly it may require precautions to be taken to prevent injury to horse or other nastiness if current place becomes dangerous rather than just toxic.
OP may be well advised to have a possible early exit plan in place, either attendance at a show current barn will not attend, or arrange for Daughter and horse to be attending a clinic/learning opportunity from which location the horse could be moved to new barn. I hope this is not necessary, but one never knows…

[mfglickman]

I e moved a couple of times. Honesty is important, diplomacy is as well. It’s not the time to complain about past issues, rather, express gratitude for what you e received and offer a simple and truthful reason - budget, commute, change of priorities/goals etc. And afterwards be sure to speak kindly of the previous facility and staff, and be cordial / friendly at shows etc.

While our personal goals and priorities have changed over the years, I’ve remained close to our previous barn owners and trainers and recommend them often to folks who sound like they’d be a good fit for the programs.

[findeight]

@DaisyBabyCat

So the reasons for leaving aren’t ones that I feel I can voice on the way out and still have an open door for a return, which I need to have.

Going back may never be an option for you no matter what you say or do. That is NOT on you either nor should you fret over “creating” a situation that has been forced on you? She is a bully.

[touchstone]

@OverandOnward

Also based on this insight you have shared into the Tr/BM, OP, be prepared for them to be very professional at first – but go to pieces later. You may feel as if you have it all in hand because the initial talk went so well. But then, a few hours or days later – bam, trainer snaps.

I’ve seen the opposite experience, too. Sometimes people are very hurt at first, or are worried about their business/bottom line. But then, time passes, and they realize you are still the same nice person they liked having as a customer, and the hurt feelings fade.

That’s why I think the advice you’ve been given about how to leave should have a long tail. Be professional, be kind, don’t talk behind the person’s back afterwards. AND: Keep doing this for months or however long it may take for things to blow over.

You can’t control other people’s reactions, and sometimes, a trainer will get upset no matter how well you behave. But if you keep being friendly and polite, sometimes you can ease back into a friendly relationship, even if the breakup itself is a little rocky.

[DaisyBabyCat]

Thank you, these are very good points and some perspectives that I didn’t think of.