How have others dealt w/this?
Been married 17 yrs, husband never had pets, I brought 3 cats into the marriage. I now have 5, obviously none of the original 3. Every single cat was a rescue (found starving/pregnant in a barn, attacked by other barn cats - tiny kitten found in a ditch near a barn - showed up at my house skinny/starving - 2 came from other barn owners who were going to kill them because of health issues (leg caught in trap - back end deformed/partially paralyzed). So I never go out looking to get another cat. Over the years I have rescued a few more which I’ve fostered and found homes for. My husband says NO MORE CATS, he says they stress him out too much, he wants a quiet house w/no hair everywhere. I don’t want another permanent one, but another lost soul just showed up at my barn, emaciated and covered in sores. My plan would be to take him to vet, have him tested/neutered/treated and find a home for him. My husband says NO MORE CATS. But I can’t just turn him away. All the rescues are catted out and refusing more intakes. Already have 2 possible permanent home for him. Hubby’s unhappiness stresses me out too, when I’m trying to save a life 
Suggestions?
Guess it all comes down to if you wish to remain married.
Bring the cat to the humane society/pound and give them a donation…maybe even volunteer your time.
What is more important, your marriage or some stray cats? It’s nice of you to try and help the cats out and find them home, but IMO it’s not worth the stress on a 17 year marriage. Why not just take them to a vet and pay to have them euthanized. At least you know they are in a good place and maybe it will put your mind at ease.
Compromise time, I think. My ideas would include having a cat-free zone in the house Or, better still, you can have an outside area that is fenced so that it will contain cats in a safe outside area part of the time. The cats can outside more which they will enjoy, and take some of the stress off of your husband. Something along those lines should provide you and him with what you need/want.
I don’t know how you can refuse to help the kitty in need, but you should be able to work through it to be considerate of your husband’s feelings.
Are you a homeowner? Is it possible to compromise by dedicating a room in your house to your cats, and leaving the rest of the house cat-free?
I worked in a no-kill animal shelter during college and my favorite place to be while working there was the adult cat room. It was about the size of a bedroom and housed about 15 adult cats at any one time. The room was completely dedicated to the cats - hanging toys, climbing features, hideaways, several litterboxes discreetly hidden, beds, window perches, toys everywhere, etc. There was also a bench in there where you could sit to visit with the cats. It was a nice place to be. And when you watched the cats through the window in the door to the room, they were always having a ball playing together or napping.
Not sure if that’s something that is possible or appealing, but it’s an idea. Good luck. 
You are not being fair.
You not only escalated the number of cats, but the expense as well.
Almost all shelters will take even a cat “if” there is a suitable donation of $$ and food. Agree with your husband on what that number is, and support your local shelter. Make friends with a cat loving vet, to “do the right thing” when you have one that clearly is in misery.
Or, get a divorce, and spend all the time and money on the kittehs you want.
DH says I can have horses, none gray, no mares, and no more than 3.
I’m fine with that.
can you set up a cattery a spare stall in the barn? that way you can save a few cats at a time and your hubby does not feel like he is getting run out of the house?
[QUOTE=MunchingonHay;5901373]
can you set up a cattery a spare stall in the barn? that way you can save a few cats at a time and your hubby does not feel like he is getting run out of the house?[/QUOTE]
This is my first thought too- a spare stall, or an outbuilding of some sort, or an area in the garage… somewhere safe for kitties but not in the house?
Well, my situation is different, but maybe it will help.
If someone told me they didn’t want dogs in the house ever again, that would probably be a non-starter for me. It sounds weird to say but I am just not sure that I could adjust to having dogs outside all of the time or not having them.
That said, I would have lots of dogs if I could. In a way, I can kind of see the trap that hoarders fall into. I limit myself to 2 because I would probably have to make some changes from a financial standpoint (food, etc.) and timewise, 2 makes the most sense.
I’ve found several stray dogs. I would probably be a mess if I ever had to take one to be euthanized, unless the dog was in severe pain or was vicious. When I find them, I keep them separate from my dogs and try to find a rescue as soon as possible-otherwise I know I’ll get attached. Could you convert a stall into a place to keep the stray very temporarily? I do volunteer with a rescue, but I am not a candidate to do foster care myself. One stray that I found did take quite a while to find a group willing to take him on. He wasn’t aggressive, but he hadn’t had much people time and he was unusual looking but not what some would probably think of as cute. Eventually, I did find a rescue and he was there for 2 months and then placed. The last time, I got lucky and found a really cute, tiny dog. I had several rescues offer to take her and she found a home very quickly.
Thanks for all the answers, especially to those who understand that it’s not an either/or answer. Thank goodness my husband had never asked me to choose between the cats and himself. He understands they are part of who I am. All of my present cats were welcomed as permanent additions to our household w/his approval, hence going from 3 to 5. All the cats bills are paid for by myself, he does not contribute.
I do volunteer w/animal rescue groups. I have had animals euthanized, but only when it was inevitable.
My barn is not suitable for the task, it’s small, very simple, and has no closed rooms. Yes certain rooms in the house are off limit to the cats, i.e. his office
My husband rarely goes in the basement so that’s where the little guy is right now. He goes to the vet is a few days, we’ll see what the verdict is. He’ll get put down if he’s FIV or FIP positive. I’ve got feelers everywhere/on FB to find him a permanent home. I can’t have him as a barn cat, have none of those, we have coyotes. He’s very friendly and he’s eating like a… horse LOL
Man, as someone who really, REALLY does not like cats, I would probably be pretty stressed out if my husband insisted on having 5 cats in my home, as well. One or two cats? Maybe I could deal with that. But 5 cats??
Not that this will fix your situation, but have you told your husband how you feel?
I mean, have you actually said to him out loud that you hate making him unhappy, but the guilt you feel for not helping an animal in need is intense?
As I said, won’t fix the situation but may appease him a bit. I did this with my parents when I lived at home, they hadn’t realized that I truly did not want to upset them but felt huge guilt when I could save an animal and didn’t do all I could. He may not realize that you feel such a compulsion to help them and may feel that you don’t care about his feelings.
I think you are a very good person trying to do the right thing.
On our very 1st meeting, I asked him how he felt about animals, cats and horses in particular. He said he had no problems w/them, but he’d never had animals himself. If he would have said he hated cats, that would have been our last meeting too LOL He really was fine w/the cats at 1st, but he’s gotten more stressed about them in the past 5 yrs or so.
He’s also not a very emphatic person, if he does not experience an emotion, he does not ‘get’ someone else having it. The rare times I’m sick as a dog, I still care for all the animals, he won’t do it.
So the fact that I simply can’t abandon an animal in need (and I mean one showing up on my doorstep, I don’t go looking for them - I’d be in trouble if I did that), that it is who I am, he admits that because he’s not like that, he does not really ‘get it’ And I do apologize to him often, for what he’s going through, and it is sincere. But I do acknowledge his feelings more than he does mine, in general, probably a woman thing?? Oh well such is life!
What does a closed room in a barn matter? Barn cats come and go, that’s being a barn cat. Feed any more ‘lost souls’ out there. Yeah, some will get picked off by predators, cars, etc. but that’s life with cats and five in the house is overcrowding already unless the house is huge anyway. I have three indoors–porchcat’s remaining a porchcat (assuming he doesn’t vanish after his vet visit.) There’s just no room for more inside. Put the new stray outside if you don’t want it put down or to take it to the shelter.
And this is why I’m kind of glad I’m female, because if I were male and had to put up with women worrying about my validating their feelings and such I’d probably go gay. It’s not about your feelings, it’s about having a house that’s already at cat capacity and not wanting any more.
kick them to the barn.
You most likely knew that he was not a cat person when you married and brought the 1st three cats in.
He should have never let you bring the new ones home in the first place.
You have to set limits.
Yes, you can leave them. For every ONE you save, there are hundreds of others that are not and honestly, you are not making a difference.
I had one house cat that was front declawed when I was living with my ex. He hated her. So I kicked her out. She was gone for 4 days and then she came home and lived in the barn.
I almost lost her because of my ex and it sucked.
on the flip side. I hate dogs and will not attempt to pretend to be dog friendly for a guy. I’ve tried it and failed. So, now dogs are a deal killer for me.
I’m in the almost same boat
Only my DH knows that if he tried to make me choose - he would be gone. My kitties are kept in their own room whenever he is at home, thankfully he travels for work a lot.
They are completely dependent on me to take care of them, whereas he is a big boy who can take care of himself if he has to.
Btw, we have been married 30 years.
Am I wrong? Don’t care what others think. I very much prefer my cats, dogs, & horses to people.
[QUOTE=FrenchFrytheEqHorse;5902807]
Man, as someone who really, REALLY does not like cats, I would probably be pretty stressed out if my husband insisted on having 5 cats in my home, as well. One or two cats? Maybe I could deal with that. But 5 cats??[/QUOTE]
I was thinking the exact same thing and really had to bite my tongue in my first post. Any animal that walks in a litter box then jumps on the kitchen counter is not welcome in my house 
[QUOTE=Tap2Tango;5903740]
I was thinking the exact same thing and really had to bite my tongue in my first post. Any animal that walks in a litter box then jumps on the kitchen counter is not welcome in my house ;)[/QUOTE]
The only training rule my cat knows (besides kindly USE the litter box) is not to jump on the counters or kitchen table. And as much of a jerk as he can be, and he can be a giant one, he hardly breaks that rule. He only did it when we brought the puppy home and he was pissed and got up on there to knock cups over a few times. He responds very quickly to reprimand and has stopped completely.
However, I would say OP- your husband married you knowing you had cats, barring allergies or other issues he had a choice to make then and he chose to accept those cats. Also you said he gave his ok to your bringing in the 5 (FIVE!?!?!?!) new cats over the years and has just now said No More. I would say, you need to get over it a bit. If you can’t feed your rescue babies in the barn then you have to let your desire to save them all go. He agreeably married someone who wanted to have cats, he did not agree to marry someone who runs a cat RESCUE and while you are allowed to change your mind over the years he doesn’t have to.
5 cats is a lot of cats, I love my kitty but I would never want that many in my house, if DH brought home a bunch of cats (or dogs as he would be more likely to) over the years, I would tell him when I hit my limit and he would respect that, because we are a team, this is our house and nobody gets to override another except over issues of safety.
I think some of this is pretty harsh. “He should never have let you bring home the new ones in the first place”?! This is not 1950; thankfully we have moved (or most of us have, anyway) past the era of little wifey having to ask permission to do things. OP said that new cats were brought in with her DH’s blessing.
And yeah, if you look at it from a perspective of saving one out of millions not making much difference, you’re right. But it made one hell of a difference to that one cat.
But OP, really, you need to put yourself in your husband’s shoes. You’re complaining that he’s not empathetic, but you’re not doing a great job yourself. Five cats is a good number of cats, especially for someone who isn’t a cat/animal person. Your DH is telling you that the inn is full, and you need to respect that. Find another way to help animals in need that does not involve bringing them to your home.
I know the awful guilt for not being able to help an animal who truly needs it; I feel it every time I look on the pets section in Craigslist and see the pictures of all the dogs and cats in rural shelters who only have a few days left. Both my dogs came from rural shelters, so I have a particular soft spot for those animals, because they really don’t have nearly as much of a chance as the ones in the big clean no-kill shelter in the city. But we have two dogs and a cat, and herd dynamics are wonderful—everyone gets along and there is no drama. So yeah, I’d love to add another dog and maybe a kitten, but our inn is full, which means I find other ways of helping out.
When I made the app. w/my vet to bring the cat over, she said I could get a discount (bless her) as he was a stray. If I kept him, however, the costs would go back to normal I told her 5 was my limit, husband and cost wise, not necessarily ‘room in my heart’ wise (We have quite a big house and all 5 get along super well)
This super duper wonderfully affectionate cat was euthanized, as he tested positive for leukemia. My vet did not charge me for it, bless her soul.
Thanks for all the positive comments. As for the negatives ones, we’re all entitled to our opinions. And mine right now is that I’m f…ing angry as people who think cats are disposable. And my heart is very very sad.
‘The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated.’
Mahatma Gandhi
