Hi all,
I just need somewhere to be sad for a while, with other horse people. I had to euthanize my horse very unexpectedly last week, from neurological symptoms that got severe very quickly. While I wait for the necropsy results, I keep blaming myself for not noticing symptoms that must have been there earlier, because the vet suspects it was EPM. I don’t have previous experience with EPM, but I feel like I could have saved my horse if I’d seen it earlier. Any lameness he’d had in the previous six months, the vet and I attributed to pre-existing joint issues. But maybe it was something else, and I feel terrible. I miss my horse- he was the first horse I bought for myself as an adult, and he taught me to love Thoroughbreds. He was so much fun, and so sweet and handsome. I still can’t believe I won’t see him again.
So sorry, but don’t blame yourself.
You did the best you could do, can’t ask for any more.
Don’t be hard on yourself. You took the best care you could of your horse. You say both you and your vet - a trained professional - thought the symptoms were from another cause but of course a horse can’t actually say “no, you’re both wrong”. We all grieve in our own ways but try to remember all the many good things and rejoice in the time you had together.
It is hard when a special horse crosses that bridge, if horses were like Mr Ed that could tell you honestly what was wrong it would be a great help.
Some horses are just very stoic and will not complain
Over the years we have many that have gone to the other side, all were special…we still have their halters and leads hanging in the proper place waiting for their return to remind us of those great friends of ours.
WtP,
You did the best you could with the information you had from the vet. It is tough times losing them.
He was blessed to have someone who loved him so very much.
I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with others, please don’t blame yourself.
Don’t blame yourself. I know the urge is great, but don’t. You don’t know for sure that it was anything like EPM; you don’t know for sure that it wasn’t something else. Even if you did know, horses are prey animals; they will do their best to hide any weaknesses they have.
The only EPM horse I’ve seen wasn’t lame, per se, but she had balance issues. Based on that alone, I wouldn’t have necessarily looked at on again, off again lameness as a sign of EPM. It’s possible that even if you had known earlier, and it was EPM, you might not have been able to do anything for him. And it’s possible it wasn’t EPM at all.
Hugs to you. It will get easier.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Pleas don’t blame yourself
Sending lots of hugs. I completely feel your pain…I had to make the decision to euthanize my coming 5yo this past Tuesday. He also developed neuro issues as well. We had pretty much ruled everything out (EPM, Lyme, Wobblers) and so we were left with EDM as the probably diagnosis. Waiting for the pathology report to confirm…my greatest fear is that they don’t “find” a cause. We had also been fighting an on and off lameness for the past 6 months…and when he was seen at the university vet clinic the end of June, there were no neuro issues then. I don’t think I’ve had a day over the past 2 weeks where I have kept it all together…and now the box from the vet clinic is sitting downstairs…I know it contains a piece of his tail. I am afraid to open it, because I know it will create another tidal wave of grief. It completely sucks to not be able to fix them. Ultimately, I am still happy he was a part of my life for the time we had…I wouldn’t want to give that experience up. I had my guy a little over 3 years (bought him as a late yearling) and he made me smile every time I was near him. He was an infectiously happy horse.
Please don’t blame yourself.
The What Ifs are inevitable. I’ve lost 4 & each time wondered what I could have done differently.
What matters is you made the right choice for him, no matter the cost to your heart.
Let the Good memories help you through this very hard time.
And {cyberhugs} from us who have BTDT
I am so sorry for your loss. Please don’t beat up on yourself.
Sheilah
I’m so glad you came here, and that we can try to be here for you, as people who get it. As others have said, don’t blame yourself. The reality is that we can’t fix everything; we’re not supposed to be able to fix everything, and loss, some day some time, is inevitable.
Would you feel comfortable sharing a story or two about your horse? We’d love to hear what he was like, and funny things he did, and lessons he taught you about how he liked to be ridden, his favorite treats, etc.
Wishing you peace and many happy memories.
Don’t blame yourself! And take comfort in the fact that they live in the moment. They don’t know that they won’t get another summer, or another roll in the dirt. Take comfort knowing that they aren’t in pain anymore.
Take comfort knowing that you were able to enjoy your time together, even if it was shorter than you had hoped.
Thank you for your support. I grew up with stock horses, but when I started taking lessons again as an adult, the available barn did hunter-jumper, so I went with that. I found out I enjoyed it, especially on a little OTTB lesson horse who was tiny, mighty, and the most forward horse I’d ridden in a while. It was fun! When I decided to buy my own horse again, I looked at Thoroughbreds. I fell in love with a big red gelding with a great canter and a kind eye. I took him home for a trial, but I already knew he was my horse. In the following years we tagged along at all the outings at my friendly boarding barn: low-level eventing, some jumpers, hunter paces, trail rides, dressage lessons. But some of our best rides were just out in an open field, when I’d choose a cruising speed and just canter along until I needed a break. It felt so easy for him. He taught me both the pleasure and the aggravation of a forward horse, and I’m a better rider for it. It will be hard not to compare my next horse to him.
He sounds like a wonderful partner. I’m so very sorry. Please don’t blame yourself for anything. You brought in the vet when you saw lameness. There’s nothing more you could have done. You know that if there had been, you would have done it.
Lost my wonderful big red guy to relapsed EPM in December. I miss him every day. Hugs.
My heart goes out to you!
As someone who has lost two young horses in the past 10 years, I can assure you that the “what if” game is common. Don’t let that demon creep into your mind.
If you did your best, and gave him a good life, he is a lucky boy indeed.
Put his picture on your wall. I love looking at my angel horses.
I’m so sorry. I’ve lost two horses to Neurological conditions. It’s heartbreaking and sometimes does seem to get bad quickly. Don’t blame yourself. You obviously were a great owner. May your horse rest in peace. Take care of yourself!
You did your best for him. You didn’t ignore his symptoms and a professional did not give you anymore to go on. It’s absolutely sad, even when we know we did our best and that we loved them with our whole hearts. It’s just that now, a piece of your heart, has galloped across the rainbow bridge. Hugs for you.
Thank you all. I made a photo album for him last night. I included the show photos of course where we’re all dressed up, but also goofy photos I took of him all covered in mud from the pasture, and clumps of his winter hair on the ground when he was shedding in spring. I still cry every day though. I keep checking the mail because the vet clinic is sending me his halter and tail. I both want and don’t want to see and handle those things, since I want them back (I want HIM back, really), but I know I’ll cry again when I open the box. It makes me feel a little better to read all the COTH threads where people have been through the loss of a horse.
