I have chosen to stay, and I have chosen to leave. The only guilt I carry is for the time I did not choose to let one go because I was too selfish to lose him.
People in general are cruel about how they judge it says far more about them than about you.
And @NEEDS_A_NAP
I had one vet who was quite insistent about the client NOT being there for euthanasia, for the opposite reason. She said the animal KNOWS that their person is upset, without knowing why, and that causes distress for the animal.
I do not know how she would respond if the client insisted on being there…
ETA that you should NOT feel any gult for “not being there”. Given that you WERE distraught, if anything, your leaving made it LESS stresssful for your dieing dog.
There should be no guilt for making a decision in the animal’s best interest. It’s hard on you either way, and it doesn’t matter to the animal. There is no reason to further torture yourself and stay through this if you don’t want to. If someone wants to shame you for leaving, they are a jerk, and you don’t have to consider their opinion as valid. I could think of other descriptive terms to describe such a person other than just “jerk”… but you get what I mean. Sometimes it’s best to not air your pain in public. Not everyone is your friend, unfortunately.
I had that happen at just one euth, for my seriously aging cat of 11 years – vet insisted that the owner could not be there for the final euth, office policy. However with different vets it was my choice for my dog and my horse – I was able to stay for the dog, but elected not to attend the horse.
For the cat, I did insist on being there for the sedative that puts them to sleep, and the vet agreed with that. My cat went peacefully to sleep with his head in my hand.
For her part, the vet insisted that the second final euth shot had to happen in the back room. I agreed since, for all practical purposes, the sedative puts the animal beyond any consciousness of life, although the body is still functioning.
I think some vets may be concerned that the final euth shot can trigger a natural response where the animal appears to be struggling. Owners who don’t understand the death process can be very upset. Or even just react to what seems to be a difficult moment for the animal, although because of the sedative the animal is not conscious of it.
It is just the body’s natural reaction to the final shutdown. This can happen with natural death as well, but without the sedative that keeps the person or animal from feeling it. Humans under end-of-life care are often heavily sedated to ease the passing.
I want to thank everyone for the kind comments. When I made this thread I felt like I was the only person in the world that didn’t stay to watch.
The kind words have truly helped heal four years of pain I held onto from what those people said long ago
I think it might also be that the protocol for euthanasia may not be palatable to a lot of owners. Many may not expect that final shot to be given in the heart. One of my cats, who was in heart failure, required two shots because her heart was so weak, it wasn’t circulating the drug.
My vet has always given me the option to stay or go; I always stay, but he’s also careful to always walk me through it. I can’t watch the final shot being given, but I have to be there. But I’ve seen people bring their animals in, say goodbye, and leave. No one judges them. It’s hard enough to lose a pet. No one should judge you for whether you stay or not.
I’ve had all the experiences one can have. My very first cat I still feel terrible about. She was a childhood cat and I had the type of parents that didn’t bring animals to the vet unless something was wrong. I was probably early 20s by then, she was 18 and not doing well. I brought her to the vet and found out she had a cancerous tumor in her mouth and they must have recommended euthanasia right then and there. I remember tearfully saying goodbye for her and just leaving. I am now in my 40s and still feel awful for how I handled that. I just handed her off and left. I had lost my father to cancer maybe 5 years prior and I guess I just could not stay that day.
I’ve since had a couple cats I stayed for the sedation and then left for the final shot. The most recent cat I stayed through the whole process. My horse, I really wasn’t sure how I wanted to handle that but my vet was pretty adamant I not watch the final shot and in hindsight, I am SO thankful for her because even seeing him laying there after was really hard. All that to say judging someone for how they handle it is terrible, at least the person is doing right by their animal and not letting them suffer.
My first horse had to be put down on the table during colic surgery, so I didn’t stay for that (I didn’t want to hear the heart rate monitor go steady).
My wonderful GSD that we had to put down suddenly in November was the most peaceful euth I’ve ever seen (I was a large and small animal tech for ~6 years so I’ve seen a lot). I don’t know if the sedation has gotten better since I was a tech or what, but we were giving him a Kong during the injection, he slowly stopped licking it and put his head down, then he was asleep. He had no reflexive movements for the euthanasia solution and he just stopped breathing. We had a vet that came to the house and she almost exclusively did euthanasia, so I’m sure her dosage was on point and she was very good about explaining each step and asking us if we were ready, which was wonderful for DH who had never seen a euth or lost a pet. Victor was able to fall asleep on the couch having his favorite treat. For anyone finding this thread in the future, I would highly recommend this service. It couldn’t have been better, given the circumstance.
This description of at-home euthanasia is so reassuring. I wish there were more such services.
Honestly, to me, the most stressful part of the process is transporting to the vet. Infirm animals are bothered, even upset, by the car ride. More able animals, even when I firmly know that the time has come, it feels like treason to put them in the car. And all animals can pick up on owner stress.
My cat was so old and had become non-mobile, and he did not like car rides. I really wanted him never to have to leave his own bed. But had to come up with the least stressful solution I could think of to get him to his final relief.
Hopefully those who are expert in the services of at-home euth – emotionally as well as physically – will see this as a business that should grow to a wider accessibility. Personally I would be so grateful to be able to use a service like this at the time of need.
Yes, I’m so thankful that we had that option and she had availability when we needed it. Victor had always enjoyed the vet’s office but in his last few months grew to dislike it because of all of the diagnostics and visits where they had to take him away from us. I didn’t want his last moments to be stressful. I hope more services like this become available because it really was the best possible situation for him.
So for those who don’t mind reading a bit of after-death … something that practitioners might consider as part of the owner’s emotional healing …
My experience of being able to stay with a person or animal for as long as I wished after death was that it really helped the letting go. Because at some point, without any unpleasantness that I detected, the natural commencement of the prolonged after-death body process makes it clear that this body no longer has a living spirit in it. Gradually, within about 30 minutes by my perception, the body no longer looks ‘asleep’. The lack of animation, and the very slight and gradual lessening of the living shape, helps the feeling that many religions speak of, that this is just the physical vessel for a spirit that is no longer contained within it. At least for some of us, in a secular or a religious sense, it is an affirmation of moving on to the next phase of the passing and the next phase of life for the rest of us.
Being able to stay with an animal or human just after the passing can be healing for some people. When a relative died while I was a young adult, a compassionate hospital pastor encouraged us to allow the mother to stay with her just-deceased son for as long as she wished. She’s not going to try to live there with him indefinitely. She may need 20 minutes or 2 hours. But don’t rush her.
The pastor was right. The mom went from highly emotional to quietly grieving and finally to ready to leave. That in itself was a journey from resistance of what had occurred to a first moment of realization and even a sliver of acceptance. Had she left during the early highly emotional state, that is likely what she would have retained for an unknown time to come.
If it is possible for an owner who wishes to stay with their animal to be left in a comfortable peaceful place with them for up to an hour or so, that can be a very compassionate service to offer. Most won’t stay that long. It may be very helpful for the owner to be able to choose when they are ready to go. If that is something that can feasibly be offered.
So glad we can play a small part in your healing. <3
I’ve done both for assorted cats and dogs. Some I was fine with letting them go while I stroked them to “sleep.” Others, I couldn’t bear to.
It’s been that way with the 3 horses I’ve had to have euthanized. I just didn’t want my final memory of them to be them going down. For each, I had VERY trusted & loving friend who stood in for me. Those are true friends who know the meaning of Grace.
I’ve only taken one dog myself so far, and I did stay with him, but I also like to remember (and remind others) that pets that go to the vet are used to being left with the vet or techs, or taken to the back, etc. It’s normal for them. They don’t know they’re not coming back out.
I had to put a dog down about 16 years ago. It was my first dog and I loved her so much. She gasped for breath at the end and it was so traumatic for me. I felt so bad and thought they had done something wrong. I have been beating myself up about it all this time. Until I read your post. I had no idea this was normal. Thank you for this.
OP, I was relieved to see that you took comfort from the responses here. No one ever should have shamed you, how callous and galling of them.
I am the shepherd in my marriage. My DH is far more emotional than I am, meaning he shows them. I’m more stoic-appearing, though I’m just as sad, so it’s usually just me with the vet, and that’s ok. We did go together one year ago this week to let our little Siamese mix go after a sudden illness. Our vet was very kind and supportive. She left quietly with no struggle and that’s pure luck. I would have hated for DH to see any such fight. Having shepherded my mom through her final days and hours … the fight can be horrendous and take a real toll.
It is OK that you didn’t stay. There is no one right way.
This.
This one short sentence says it all.
I’ve never experienced this throughout a lifetime of having pets, and I certainly wouldn’t have left.
(I’m not criticizing those who don’t stay with their pets, but I will be there every single time.)
No one should shame you for not staying for euthanasia… shame on them! We all (animals as well as people) process things differently and as @Djones noted, there is no one right way. Panda knew you loved him.
I have always stayed. I have never had a vet ask me to leave. Maybe because at that moment I am sad… but calm. I need to be calm for that dog/cat/horse. They need to feel relief and release. Horses that I have brought into this world… I need to see them out of this world as well with the same love I used to greet them. Dogs that came to me as a happy, trusting puppy… I will soothe them One Last Time and send them on.
I have even helped other friends who cannot stay… and even taken their dogs to the vet for them after a sweet and private farewell.
I like to think that I make it easier for friends and their pets. And after all is done I can go home and finally be sad and have that glass of Pinot Grief.
The worst euthanasia I experienced was a mare brought in to the animal science program I was in to be euthed - she reacted violently and flipped herself over backwards.
The other extreme… my 16 year old border terrier was in discomfort in May 2020. COVID restrictions in full force. My usual vet clinic was closed. I took him to a big emergency clinic and had to hand him off to a tech in the parking lot… he was a sweet little guy but was very worried as she took him away. X-rays and tests revealed cancer growing in his abdomen. I took him home and he had a lovely time doing his favorite things for a couple of weeks until he was obviously failing and had quit eating.
I was not going to take him back and just hand him off in the parking lot. I called my equine vet as there was no home service I could find… and she said that of course she would come and help.
It was a lovely sunny day. Tug wandered around stiffly, carefully sniffing all the sniffs. I settled him on the tailgate of the truck where he used to easily spring up and lay to survey his kingdom. He got bacon - that he would eat with enthusiasm. The other terrier (Tally) jumped up there with us… and there we sat. When the vet came she joined us - Tug happily greeted his friend and we chatted about dogs and how awesome Tug was. He slowly nodded off between us in the sunshine and the vet gave him the sedative… so just a deeper sleep than the nap he was already taking. With the final shot he simply drifted away and left that tired, painful old body behind him. And then… the vet and I watched Tally jump off the tailgate and spin and bark, do her happy, playful dance and bounce off down the driveway past the paddocks. I like to think she was saying her final goodbyes as Tug danced away with her.
The vet refused to charge me anything for that visit. She just said she owed Tug a favor.
Tally and I buried him under a magnificent cedar tree, knowing that whoever may own the farm in the future will respect that tree.
This is a really great point. We put Victor down at home and buried him ourselves. After the vet left, we sat with him for a while, let our other dog in the house to see him, then took him out and were able to put him in the ground ourselves. Being able to sit with his body and say goodbye to him as we buried him was a blessing in disguise.
You made the right decision. Your stress and agony wouldn’t have helped as he was passing. He knew you were there for him when he was crashing. He passed in peace knowing you did everything you could for him.
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