I'm tired

[fivestrideline]

I thought about making an alter for this, but screw it.

I’m so tired. A 5 day vacation from horses made me realize just how exhausting they have become. My retiree is a pit of ??? on his soundness, and costs me quite a bit in meds every month. My situation has forced me to learn as much as I can about trimming and alternatives to traditional shoes, and the emotional and educational investment in that journey has been a lot - not to mention the time. I love my barn, and my BO is a dream, but we don’t have an arena or lights and the days are rapidly getting shorter. I’m spending a LOT just staying afloat, and at the moment I’m unable to lesson or show. Moving the horses to a “program” would cost easily double, and I’m just a bit too picky about turnout and feed and farrier to fit well in a full care place anymore.

I have no time or energy for literally anything but work and horses. I get up at the crack of dawn for work, go straight to the barn for chores/care, head home just in time to scarf down something quick and go to bed. My house is a mess, and we barely do anything outside work/horses (my fault really, I’m just so tired).

I realized some of this is brain-chemical issues (ADHD and anxiety/depression), but it’s really starting to feel… draining. I can’t take an extended break from the horses because I feed and maintain them. When I’m in a routine, all I think about is the horses. One short break in the work-barn-home routine, and suddenly I really don’t want to go back… I KNOW this is mostly a brain issue because extended breaks have sent me into listless depression cycles, but I’m just… tired. So so tired.

Most of this is just a rant. Some of it is me wondering if pursuing medication for the ADHD/depression would be helpful. I also have repro issues myself that have gone untreated for fear of bc making the other issues worse. Add that in to horses being horses and trying to find the most expensive ways to exist, and I’m really feeling stretched thin. My SO is dealing with his own stresses and I feel like I’m not exactly helping - not that my hours of depression naps were helping when I wasn’t so deep into horses for a bit.

Ugh. I don’t know what I’m looking for here. I’m a rollercoaster - some days I’m riding a high and happy as a clam doing farm chores. Others, it’s the pits. Just typing this all out is helpful, I think, if only because I don’t feel as if I can whine to IRL people at the moment… that’s something, I guess!

[Bluey]

@fivestrideline

I thought about making an alter for this, but screw it.

I’m so tired. A 5 day vacation from horses made me realize just how exhausting they have become. My retiree is a pit of ??? on his soundness, and costs me quite a bit in meds every month. My situation has forced me to learn as much as I can about trimming and alternatives to traditional shoes, and the emotional and educational investment in that journey has been a lot - not to mention the time. I love my barn, and my BO is a dream, but we don’t have an arena or lights and the days are rapidly getting shorter. I’m spending a LOT just staying afloat, and at the moment I’m unable to lesson or show. Moving the horses to a “program” would cost easily double, and I’m just a bit too picky about turnout and feed and farrier to fit well in a full care place anymore.

I have no time or energy for literally anything but work and horses. I get up at the crack of dawn for work, go straight to the barn for chores/care, head home just in time to scarf down something quick and go to bed. My house is a mess, and we barely do anything outside work/horses (my fault really, I’m just so tired).

I realized some of this is brain-chemical issues (ADHD and anxiety/depression), but it’s really starting to feel… draining. I can’t take an extended break from the horses because I feed and maintain them. When I’m in a routine, all I think about is the horses. One short break in the work-barn-home routine, and suddenly I really don’t want to go back… I KNOW this is mostly a brain issue because extended breaks have sent me into listless depression cycles, but I’m just… tired. So so tired.

Most of this is just a rant. Some of it is me wondering if pursuing medication for the ADHD/depression would be helpful. I also have repro issues myself that have gone untreated for fear of bc making the other issues worse. Add that in to horses being horses and trying to find the most expensive ways to exist, and I’m really feeling stretched thin. My SO is dealing with his own stresses and I feel like I’m not exactly helping - not that my hours of depression naps were helping when I wasn’t so deep into horses for a bit.

Ugh. I don’t know what I’m looking for here. I’m a rollercoaster - some days I’m riding a high and happy as a clam doing farm chores. Others, it’s the pits. Just typing this all out is helpful, I think, if only because I don’t feel as if I can whine to IRL people at the moment… that’s something, I guess!

I would start with extensive bloodwork.
Last winter I was so tired it made me sick.
Bloodwork found I was practically 0 on vitamin D3.
Supplemented at 5000 IU daily now back to my normal energetic self.
Remembering how deathly tired I was is scary, now monitoring to see what will work for maintenance dose.
A friend went thru something similar and ended up with parathyroid surgery.
She is fine now, said surgery gave her life back.

May be chasing zebras, but be sure to cover mere basic physical reasons also, vitamins, hormones like thyroid, etc.

[floppyammy]

Honestly @fivestrideline, I have read many of your posts on your retired horse, and I’m exhausted just reading them! I have been where you are with medical issues with horses in the past, and I can attest it is soul-sucking, dream shattering, financially woeful and just all around exhausting - spiritually, emotionally, physically.

Can you re-evalute what you are doing for your retired horse to give yourself a break? You are bankrupting yourself (emotionally and financially) to fight to keep this horse comfortable as a retiree. I know I would be at the end of my rope. Something has to give.

[fivestrideline]

Thanks, it really is a lot. In fairness to him, the rest of the herd isn’t helping either - I really do very little for the retiree at the moment besides stare at him and feed him expensive meds

@Bluey

Bloodwork found I was practically 0 on vitamin D3.

I used to supplement that but stopped for some reason. I should get bloodwork done. Honestly my “primary care physician” is 3 urgent cares in a trench coat, so that kind of stuff is so foreign to me! I am one of those people who hasn’t been to the doctor since the last time I broke something… I should change that.

[sophie]

I second @Bluey’s post regarding D3 and Thyroid. And iron. Get yourself to a general practitioner for a physical and blood work!
Like you, I never used to go to the Dr unless I broke something or was sick as a dog. But now that I am older, I have decided to at least get blood work done every year or so.

[Willesdon]

Tough love here. First, take care of yourself. That includes your emotional and social health as well as the physical. Get the blood work. Talk to a neutral person about where you life is going. Communicate with your family because I’m sure they also have views on what is happening here. Second, re-evaluate your horses. There is a whole world outside horses. We have horses in our lives because we love them, they are fun and excitement and stimulation. But when they suck you dry emotionally and financially - well, are you being sensible? Consider your options. Third, take some time to think and consider what you want in your future. As we age, hopefully we change, evolve, develop new ideas and skills. What I wanted at 16 y.o.was a 16.3 TB, what I want at 64 y.o. is a peaceful 15.0 cob who is perfectly happy not to be ridden for a few days. Fourth, tidy up your life. Get some financial advice, find someone to clean your house, let someone else do the yard or the ironing, think outside the box and find where you can make your life less “full steam ahead and damn the guns”. Take some time to stand and look and wonder. Just be kind to yourself.

[luvmyhackney]

Go see your doctor and then find a good therapist. Seriously it helps even if you only talk to them a couple times.

It’s ok to be tired of the horses, the work, the responsibility. They are very valid feelings. But visit your doctor first and get a blood panel done before making any drastic decisions. Then if everything comes back ok, it would be good to reevaluate your priorities and how you want to be involved in horses. Maybe cutting down the herd, leasing someone out for a few months, etc.

I get like this after watching all my friends take these awesome trips and I’m at home turning the manure pile or mowing for the ump-teeth hour. Horses are draining.

[awaywego]

@luvmyhackney

I get like this after watching all my friends take these awesome trips and I’m at home turning the manure pile or mowing for the ump-teeth hour. Horses are draining.

Feel this in my bones.

[cayuse]

Everyone else has it covered re: the bloodwork so I’ll just send some jingles along. I have three, all with issues and it does get draining emotionally and financially so I can empathize. And the shoe thing is maddening, BTDT and still doing it without much headway. Hang in there.

[PaddockWood]

Well, we are your people. You are not alone with this addiction of horses. Thank God it’s not hard drugs - it could be worse.

I know my friends and family are tired of hearing me complain. I like to say I feel like I’m on Survivor but I’m not naked so it could be worse. Then I also say, “Is this what it feels like to be Amish?” I think so.

First, you DO need to take a break, get some coverage for needing to be at the barn every single day and slow down a bit.

Go see your doc and rule out big problems and absolutely get meds to help you feel better. I had a friend recently recommend ashwanganda (something like that) and I really do feel it. I also take CBD at night to sleep and mostly sleep very very well and sleep matters.

You’ve got to eat really well. No or little junk. Mostly good whole food. And LOTS of protein. I recently heard a podcast with a well known female doc who works w athletes and she said something like a gram per pound a day! WOW.

I’m gone during the workweek 10 hours a day, have 26 acres and do all the barnwork, mowing, housework etc and we are renovating the house next door. I have no time for friends, barely getting rides in. Over the past holiday weekend I worked 12 hour days all three days. And there were swear words.

Remember, you’re not naked, you’re not Amish and you’re not on hard drugs. It could be worse.
Humor helps!

May I suggest watching Seems Like Old Times? And Little Miss Sunshine. The list goes on. Gotta laugh. I miss seeing friends, vacations, relaxing and having time to get a wee bit bored. We can rest when we die.

Seems Like Old Times trailer:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=quGmWh-sqhE&t=9s

[fivestrideline]

It’s a lot. It’s funny, I enjoy riding my greenie and hacking around, and I’m a picky helicopter horse owner as a rule. However, times like this (yes, watching friends and family go on cool trips or do interesting hobbies is part of it) make me miss the “old days” when I was in a full care show program and didn’t know what I didn’t know.

I miss riding and the barn family and showing, but at the same time I know for a darn FACT that I can’t afford that lifestyle anymore. My disposable income is far higher but the costs have skyrocketed exponentially.

I’ve considered selling the rideables and leasing in a program, but I can’t afford a $30k lease or $1600 training or $5k show bills. My horses have all been sub-$5k recently, for reference, because that’s the kind of money I’m comfortable lighting on fire. Switching to eventing might help a bit, but there’s still a scarcity here for barns to ride with.

I don’t know. I won’t make any drastic changes, but I’m starting to see that until we hopefully get back to GA/ATL, I may be too far out from the types of things I like to do with horses and need to consider recalibrating my days.

[GraceLikeRain]

No earth shattering advice but empathy. I have people in my close circle with significantly more disposable income. I made the choice to lock my money into animals but there’s no pause for a month button. While people laugh about life being short, go on that 10 day international trip, I’m thinking life is short so let’s inject those hocks or go down that lameness rabbit hole.

It sounds like maybe you board but work shifts or are they at home? I’m wondering if there’s any way you could partner with someone occasionally to give yourself a morning off. Maybe someone who you trust to do those core activities and you can do the same for them? It’s amazing how sleeping in a morning or two or doing a slower start with your SO can help with well being.

[luvmyhackney]

@fivestrideline

Switching to eventing might help a bit, but there’s still a scarcity here for barns to ride with.

You totally need to switch to the dark side. I’m converted. It’s cheaper, more independent, and a great community. My horse loves it. My days of expensive horses is over and at the low levels of eventing I’m fine on my ASB.

[Simkie]

Fwiw, I hit this feeling every year about this time. The change in seasons is such a killer, and once the nights are cooler and days start getting noticably shorter, all I really want to do is…nothing. But sleep. And eat. Hibernating, lol.

It sucks, because there’s a lot of good weather left until winter, and I always have a project or two I’m pushing on that gets just so hard. It doesn’t ever help that I’m often kind of beat up from working on those projects all summer.

Definitely check in with your doctor, but it’s also okay to give yourself some grace and space to not do EVERYTHING.

[sami-joe]

Vitamin D is a gold standard suggestion. If you don’t want to go to the doctor – I know I sure don’t – get some delicious vitamin D3 gummies and go to town. Unless you live in the Southwest, you’re almost certainly deficient.

I mean, don’t go crazy. It’s fat soluble, so you don’t want more than 5k units per day.
You’ll know in three days whether it makes a difference.

TMI: D3 can be constipating at high doses so have some senna on hand.

[usernameTaken]

no advice but like others, ooooh boy do I feel this way too. Jingles to all of us! I also just upped my vitamin d - I had run out, so fingers crossed it helps.

[VolteSomeday]

This is a really hard time of year for anyone with depressive tendencies–the shorter days do a number! I’d second/third/fourth the suggestion to get established with a GP, get bloodwork done and a depression screening. Depression (and/or anxiety) can make everything feel really daunting and treating it can really make a huge difference in perspective and energy level. So I’d say act soon but be patient…it also takes some time and trial/error to find what works for you.

[McGurk]

I feel all of this in my bones, because I’m in a phase of “Why am I working so hard and sacrificing so much to ride so little?” of my own.

Please do consider medication for depression. It is life changing. Before medication, I’d be tottling along, managing my issues, and something crappy would happen, and my reaction would be “I’m a crappy person with a crappy life in a crappy world in a crappy universe and there’s no hope any of it will change.” After medication, my reaction would be “Wow, that thing that happened was crappy.”

Yes, you have to go see a shrink, and vomit up all the personal trauma you’ve been hoarding for years (and you can’t be coy about it, because shrinks be expensive) and it’s awful. BUT, you come out of that, and one day, something crappy happens and you shrug it off, because it’s not you, not your life, not your world, not your universe, it’s just this one thing. And that day is magical.

Please PM me if you’d like to talk more. Seriously.

PS - the Vit D thing is also real. I’m reordering mine as soon as I finish this.

[jvanrens]

I need to stop by the drug store and get some vitamin d. I don’t spend enough time in the sun anymore. I used to not mind at all, but overheat too quickly now to enjoy it.

Not to mention the days are getting so short now. SAD is a thing still isn’t it?

[TheJenners]

@fivestrideline

my “primary care physician” is 3 urgent cares in a trench coat

Okay this gave me a giggle, thanks!

@PaddockWood

I had a friend recently recommend ashwanganda (something like that) and I really do feel it.

I’m taking this and another supplement that has gaba and l-theanine (sp) and honestly I think it’s helping.

@PaddockWood

Remember, you’re not naked, you’re not Amish and you’re not on hard drugs. It could be worse.

Another smile, thanks!!

@fivestrideline I feel this. I had one of those high-maintenance “everything is a battle” horses and while I felt shame and guilt when I put him down in early 2023, I know it was the best decision for him because he was not a retirement candidate and was re-injuring himself in a small run with trazadone on board. So I cried and I missed him, but my work- and stress-load went way down. Working off the farm, trying to maintain a positive relationship with my SO and my Dad, and maintaining the farm and my horses, I have no time for anything else. I feel like you, work-farm-sleep-repeat. I did hire a housekeeper who comes twice a month, which is an expense I happily pay because WOW it makes a difference. I also take my doggos to a professional groomer every 4-6 weeks, another expense that is worth it to me because it cuts down on my need to bath, blow dry, and brush as often and they get trimmed up and don’t look as…raggedy.