Instilling Work Ethic (Frustrated)

[Aggie4Bar]

I have a kid with lofty goals and no real desire to work for them. She’d argue that point. But… it’s just not there.

I know I cannot add work ethic to this child. She has to want it. How do you sit back and just watch though?

DH is adamant that he wants to give DSD every opportunity to accomplish her goals, so my hands are tied here… being dragged along for the ride, whether I support it or not. Short-term, she wants to be competitive at the A shows. Long-term, she wants to be a pro.

Reality? There’s always some excuse. The horse she has won’t get her to her short-term goals but is fully capable of teaching her many things to help with the long-term goals.

“I just don’t like her.”
“Everyone says she should retire anyway.”
“She makes me a worse rider.”

Granted, the horse is older (18) and has always been on the hot side (and will probably still be full of piss and vinegar at age 30). But DSD is fully capable of getting nice rides out of this mare and has, in the past, been very excited about her when she thought she was getting somewhere.

Is it really too much to expect gratitude or work ethic anymore? At every turn, people have filled her ear with, “You need a different horse to do XYZ.” That is true. But where are the folks anymore who tell kids, “You’re lucky to have a horse. Perhaps you should consider what the horse can teach you, not so much which shows you want to attend.”

Ah, I’m just frustrated.

[GoForAGallop]

Take the horse away if she hates the poor mare that much.

Nothing like showing up to the barn to see your horse gone to knock a little sense into a kid.

Unless she’s bank rolling this all herself, she sounds like a spoiled brat.

Perhaps horsey can go vacation in another barn for a week until she comes to her senses.

[Scratch_N_Dent]

Not having had the financial backing from my parents to actually own a horse until I bought my own at 40, I hear you. But…do you support her short term goals and is the mare (whith work on her part) competitive at the A shows? If you do not support her short term goals then you need to figure this out with DH and have a chat with the demanding child.

[Aggie4Bar]

[QUOTE=GoForAGallop;7841776]
Unless she’s bank rolling this all herself, she sounds like a spoiled brat.

Perhaps horsey can go vacation in another barn for a week until she comes to her senses.[/QUOTE]Yes, unfortunately, that is the harsh truth. Our horses are at home, but vacationing with a friend would not be difficult to arrange.

[QUOTE=Scratch N Dent;7841799]But…do you support her short term goals and is the mare (whith work on her part) competitive at the A shows?[/QUOTE]The mare is not for the jumper ring, no. We have an opportunity with a horse who is, but there is a lot of work to be done before DSD would be ready. She’s full of enthusiasm for the new horse. Having only been interested in riding sale horses for months now and with her sights set unrealistically high (e.g., WEF vs. local), I just don’t see her sticking with it. I anticipate months of dressage work and gymnastics will turn into a dejected “I’ll never get to show” and that that will become self-fulfilling, probably combined with excuses like, “You wouldn’t pay for me to show anyway,” because our budget will afford a show here and there, not an entire season with travel.

[furlong47]

How old is kid? Old enough to start earning her own money toward these goals? (Additional lessons, more showing, leasing a more competitive horse, etc.) Or to work part of it off at the barn? Or even do stuff around the house/barn in exchange for part of what the parents pay?

I wanted to ride as a teen, and my parents could not afford it. I worked at a barn several days a week from age 15, just so I could tool around on a horse. Would I have appreciated riding as much if it was just handed to me? Most likely not. I had to have a good work ethic, or I would have had nothing.

[lachelle]

How old is she?

I can kind of relate to her (I think).

I’ll try to keep this short, but: When I was 15 my parents started the horse-shopping process. Budget was under $5k. I wanted something I could show in the hunters, and we looked at lots of TBs, QHs, and AQH that fit the bill. What I ended up with was 4 year old, off the track, late-gelded ARABIAN, that someone mentioned to my mom they were giving away for free. I think my parents heard “free” and jumped on the bandwagon. I tried for YEARS to make that horse into something he would never be. He hates jumping. Hates going slow. Hates being in a ring with other horses. Did a discipline switch to dressage. Ultimately lost interest in competing and just came to the barn and rode maybe twice a week because well, I had to keep the horse in shape.

Finally at 21, I was able to afford my own horse. Took a chance on a 2 yo OTTB because that’s what I could afford. Now I’m 24, the horse is 5 and he’s exactly what I wanted/needed when I was 15.

Sometimes I resented my parents for getting me my first horse. Did I appreciate it? Of course, (in hindsight) I was very lucky to own any horse at the time. But could I comunicate that at 16/17/18…no. Absolutely not. I was bratty. I did try to do things with the horse that other kids my age were doing. Shows, XC schooling, 4H events, etc. It just wasn’t his thing. If I wasn’t falling off, I was in tears because he just wasn’t what I wanted. And as a teenager it IS hard to watch your peers having fun on horses that like the job you want them to do.

Sorry I don’t necessarily have any advice. At 24, I have no business giving parenting advice :lol: I just wanted to give you a chance to view it from a different perspective.

[Aggie4Bar]

15. Old enough to babysit or do some odd jobs (IMO).

I do sympathize with wanting to keep up with her friends. I simply feel that if the love of riding was really there, she’d be doing everything she could, learning from every source she could. And I simply don’t see that.

[SuckerForHorses]

Take the horse away if she hates the poor mare that much.

Nothing like showing up to the barn to see your horse gone to knock a little sense into a kid.

Unless she’s bank rolling this all herself, she sounds like a spoiled brat.

Perhaps horsey can go vacation in another barn for a week until she comes to her senses.

Agree with this 100%. She’s 15 years old; she’s old enough for tough love.

My parents rules were: you want something better than what we gave you a few years ago (first horse) then when you can afford to buy one, go for it.

I simply feel that if the love of riding was really there, she’d be doing everything she could, learning from every source she could. And I simply don’t see that.

I agree with this.

Maybe the love isn’t really there?

[french_fry]

lachelle, that was my life - right down to the hot Arabian/switching to dressage/ultimately stopped competing combo!

I never ended up showing H/J as a junior and am making up for lost time on a purpose-bred horse in my “golden” ammie years. (Okay, not really golden - I’m only 27!) I will say very honestly that toughing it out with my nutty Arab who was totally ill-suited to anything that I wanted to do did not make me a better rider or a better person. Sure, it taught me to have a pretty sticky seat but that didn’t balance out all of the bad habits I developed and am still unlearning.

I think if the horse can’t at least get her going in the direction of her goals, it’s probably not the right horse for her. She may suddenly develop a lot more “work ethic” if she has something suitable to work on. I’m not saying you should buy her a six figure jumper, but if this mare isn’t going to help her those skills then surely you can find something else comparably-valued that will.

[jetsmom]

What level is she riding and showing at now? IE can she be competitive now at 3’6"? If so, she needs to be finding catch rides and gratefully riding anything she can get her hands on if she wants to go pro eventually.
90% of teens that like horses have dreams of riding and training for a living. They are unrealistic dreams for 99.9% of them. So, I would remove horse she doesn’t like, and let her work to buy a horse she wants to ride/support. If she truly wants to ride, she’ll figure it out. Otherwise, don’t make it your problem.

[SuckerForHorses]

I would remove horse she doesn’t like, and let her work to buy a horse she wants to ride/support. If she truly wants to ride, she’ll figure it out. Otherwise, don’t make it your problem.

Yep!

She’s old enough, soon if she wants to get something different, she can work and save the money to buy one!

[rizzodm]

Sounds more like an attitude issue than a horse issue. I would suspect her interest will fizzle out as she doesn’t get what she wants.
If she is a whiner now she will continue to be so with a proper horse.

[IronwoodFarm]

Fifteen is a miserable age for a girl. Seriously, is riding on the A circuit and becoming a pro an option for this kid? How about going to college, getting a degree and a job? Does anyone talk to her about THAT option? How’s her work ethic about anything else? It sounds like she is in a sour place in her life. One valuable life skill is to learn how to adapt when things don’t turn out exactly as planned. And we all sign up for Life 101 at some point in our lives.

[Daisyesq]

[QUOTE=Aggie4Bar;7841902]
15. Old enough to babysit or do some odd jobs (IMO).

I do sympathize with wanting to keep up with her friends. I simply feel that if the love of riding was really there, she’d be doing everything she could, learning from every source she could. And I simply don’t see that.[/QUOTE]

Does she have the opportunities to ride a variety of other horses IN ADDITION to her own horse? Riding many horses is key to developing good skills. And if she can ride others, maybe she would show you some more motivation (ie, maybe it really is her horse is an obstacle causing the lack of motivation)

[lachelle]

[QUOTE=Aggie4Bar;7841902]
15. Old enough to babysit or do some odd jobs (IMO).

I do sympathize with wanting to keep up with her friends. I simply feel that if the love of riding was really there, she’d be doing everything she could, learning from every source she could. And I simply don’t see that.[/QUOTE]

Totally get that too. And if she really DOES love riding…maybe she will keep riding the horse she doesn’t love, and when she is old enough to foot some of her own bills, you will be able to see that love flourish. But coming from someone who was in her situation, it is EXTREMELY hard to show love for a horse you don’t like riding.

[QUOTE=french fry;7841911]lachelle, that was my life - right down to the hot Arabian/switching to dressage/ultimately stopped competing combo!

I never ended up showing H/J as a junior and am making up for lost time on a purpose-bred horse in my “golden” ammie years. (Okay, not really golden - I’m only 27!) I will say very honestly that toughing it out with my nutty Arab who was totally ill-suited to anything that I wanted to do did not make me a better rider or a better person. Sure, it taught me to have a pretty sticky seat but that didn’t balance out all of the bad habits I developed and am still unlearning.

I think if the horse can’t at least get her going in the direction of her goals, it’s probably not the right horse for her. She may suddenly develop a lot more “work ethic” if she has something suitable to work on. I’m not saying you should buy her a six figure jumper, but if this mare isn’t going to help her those skills then surely you can find something else comparably-valued that will.[/QUOTE]

french fry…that is a crazy coincidence! Yes…in hindsight, the horse taught me SO MUCH. He taught me how to ride a buck…how to ride a horse that refuses jumps…how to just kind of deal with what you’ve got.

But I’m sure you feel the same way…I can’t help but wonder where I would be RIGHT NOW if I would have gotten the horse I wanted when I was 15. I have spent the last 3 years un-learning bad habits from so many years of riding in “survival mode”. I had to learn how to be confident on a horse from years of having my ego crushed by my Arab. But at 24…I’m JUST now starting to have fun with riding and showing.

[SendenHorse]

[QUOTE=Aggie4Bar;7841773]
The horse she has won’t get her to her short-term goals but is fully capable of teaching her many things to help with the long-term goals.

“I just don’t like her.”
“Everyone says she should retire anyway.”
“She makes me a worse rider.”

Granted, the horse is older (18) and has always been on the hot side (and will probably still be full of piss and vinegar at age 30). But DSD is fully capable of getting nice rides out of this mare and has, in the past, been very excited about her when she thought she was getting somewhere.

Is it really too much to expect gratitude or work ethic anymore? At every turn, people have filled her ear with, “You need a different horse to do XYZ.” That is true. But where are the folks anymore who tell kids, “You’re lucky to have a horse. Perhaps you should consider what the horse can teach you, not so much which shows you want to attend.”

Ah, I’m just frustrated.[/QUOTE]

Daughter is telling you loud and clear its not the horse for her. YOU aren’t listening.

YOU think she should suck it up and ride this horse, why? Do you want to ride a horse that is hot and not going to get anywhere?

I don’t. :no:

What I would do: sell this one and take a long term lease on a show-ready horse and see how the attitude is then.

Doesn’t sound spoiled to ME, sounds frustrated. Its not a good fit.

[Anne_FS]

[QUOTE=GoForAGallop;7841776]
Take the horse away if she hates the poor mare that much.

…

Unless she’s bank rolling this all herself, she sounds like a spoiled brat.

Perhaps horsey can go vacation in another barn for a week until she comes to her senses.[/QUOTE]

I highly recommend this as well, and will add that there’s nothing like seeing another kid have wonderful successes with this mare to add a dose of reality.

And to answer OP’s original question, is it too much to expect gratitude or work ethic anymore? No, it is not, and thousands of horse kids out there have both.

I will add that if the horse is hot, daughter’s complaints may be being made to mask fear: she may be intimidated by this hot horse and really doesn’t want to ride her anymore but also doesn’t want to “go there” and admit it. In that case, I’d change the horse and let her save face. Over-mounting has destroyed a lot of riders from love of riding.

[NurseHorsey]

[QUOTE=Aggie4Bar;7841902]
15. Old enough to babysit or do some odd jobs (IMO).

I do sympathize with wanting to keep up with her friends. I simply feel that if the love of riding was really there, she’d be doing everything she could, learning from every source she could. And I simply don’t see that.[/QUOTE]

Yeesh. Reading your initial post I thought she might be 10-12 years old at most. I’m in the ‘tough love’ camp. But, just like lachelle, I’m only 24 - so take my parenting advice with more than a grain of salt

For what it’s worth, at 15, I was working at 2 different barns just for the experience and to pay off my one lesson a week. I think the difference is that my parents never fully understood my obsession and therefore I had to make my own opportunities. They would pay for a lesson a week but that was it (not that I wasn’t grateful for that!).

With you being involved in horses and her father being a driving force as well, she may not have much internal drive to accomplish things herself. I would talk with dad and take a step back and let her either sink or swim - that internal drive will either overtake everything or she’ll be content with where she is.

[spirithorse22]

[QUOTE=jetsmom;7841940]
What level is she riding and showing at now? IE can she be competitive now at 3’6"? If so, she needs to be finding catch rides and gratefully riding anything she can get her hands on if she wants to go pro eventually.
90% of teens that like horses have dreams of riding and training for a living. They are unrealistic dreams for 99.9% of them. So, I would remove horse she doesn’t like, and let her work to buy a horse she wants to ride/support. If she truly wants to ride, she’ll figure it out. Otherwise, don’t make it your problem.[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE=french fry;7841911]lachelle, that was my life - right down to the hot Arabian/switching to dressage/ultimately stopped competing combo!

I never ended up showing H/J as a junior and am making up for lost time on a purpose-bred horse in my “golden” ammie years. (Okay, not really golden - I’m only 27!) I will say very honestly that toughing it out with my nutty Arab who was totally ill-suited to anything that I wanted to do did not make me a better rider or a better person. Sure, it taught me to have a pretty sticky seat but that didn’t balance out all of the bad habits I developed and am still unlearning.

I think if the horse can’t at least get her going in the direction of her goals, it’s probably not the right horse for her. She may suddenly develop a lot more “work ethic” if she has something suitable to work on. I’m not saying you should buy her a six figure jumper, but if this mare isn’t going to help her those skills then surely you can find something else comparably-valued that will.[/QUOTE]

So agree with these two posters. I think removing the horse (which is costing you money) and letting her catch-ride, work off her rides, find her own horse will give her the chance to see if it REALLY is the horse … or if she just wants everything handed to her.

[oliverreed]

My Mom bought me my first horse. And paid board, vet, and farrier, and paid for lessons. I was 12. I babysat my a$$ off to buy anything extra I wanted for the horse. I bought my second horse at age 14, Mom still paid board, etc., again, I kept babysitting to pay for any extras. By the time I bought my 3rd horse, around age 15, I had saved enough babysitting money to pay for him myself (maybe I worked off the last $150 or so in free babysitting to the sellers. (First two horses ended up being inappropriate and were rehomed.)

If she doesn’t have the true desire at 15, and is willing to WORK for it, then I agree horse should take a nice vacation somewhere else or be rehomed. Tough love works.