Menu

Stay in Touch
Sign up for ENews
Subscribe Now

Unlimited access >

Menu

Instilling Work Ethic (Frustrated)

Off Course
#21

I suspect fear here, too. And she may not have the emotional maturity, at 15, to admit that’s it.

One thing which stands out to me - no future good professional should “get worse” from riding a difficult horse, so at some point she’s going to have to sink in realizing that she can’t just rule out any difficult horse - her job is going to be to ride those difficult horses, and at 15 she’s old enough to be learning how. For the rest of us imperfect masses, though, fear can be a HUGE factor, and sounds like her words may be hinting at that - and it’s a big demotivator.

I would give her a chance to prove her dedication - to ride other horses, show she’ll do the mucking/tack cleaning/grooming it takes to get herself more chances and only consider buying her a different horse if she shows dedication to her dreams and a desire to go there. Of course, I also feel at 15 she’s so close to college maybe just leasing is the way to go anyway…

#22

What does her trainer say?

Or are you the trainer? That maybe your trouble, or at least a piece of it…

#23

Okay, I may be going against the grain here.

But the kids I know, who at this time, could probably make it as pros… Their parents did the brunt of the work. Their parents organised their show and schooling schedules, they ferried them around, planned their seasons strategically, and bought them good horses.

One of these kids doesn’t really like riding. She refuses to muck out, groom or even tack up etc - her mum does everything, she shows up, rides, then goes back to sit in the lorry. She will only ride in the competition arena or in sj lessons. And only outdoors if it’s not raining. However, she has five very good ponies, two she produced herself, she shows four times a week, is winning, is being offered catch rides and is a very capable rider.

Most of them do have drive, and work on their fitness etc, but they are all given ample opportunity to make it, and don’t actually do much of the legwork. For example the mother will say ‘today you are schooling on grass at so-and-so’s venue, you will work on straightness, and I will drive you there’ and the kid will go along with it, whilst perhaps not fully understanding WHY they are schooling on grass and working on straightness.

The common denominator seems to be competitive and organised mothers, who are willing to dedicate most of their time and income into their child’s career.

So yeah. It happens.

#24

There are actually four shows per week that are an option for her to ride at? That seems just crazy.

#25

[QUOTE=trubandloki;7842163]
There are actually four shows per week that are an option for her to ride at? That seems just crazy.[/QUOTE]

Her yard is literally next door to an international venue that does regular BS (British Showjumping, why they chose that acronym I don’t know, means I feel the need to explain!!) during the week and then qualifiers and stuff at the weekends :stuck_out_tongue: But yes we are right by Hartpury too, so lots going on.

#26

[QUOTE=Aggie4Bar;7841902]
15. Old enough to babysit or do some odd jobs (IMO).

I do sympathize with wanting to keep up with her friends. I simply feel that if the love of riding was really there, she’d be doing everything she could, learning from every source she could. And I simply don’t see that.[/QUOTE]

I wonder if a different horse would matter. I would want to get to the root of the question- you say the horse can be hot and difficult- not everyone wants or needs to deal with that- I love my main horse who is just like that but boy do I enjoy the youngster who is just damn happy to be there. If every ride is a PITA- yuck. that’s just not fun.

Does she get to ride any easy and fun horses? I rode all manner of horses at her age- if I only got to ride Sour Apple, I would have been really unhappy. It’s like a bike with a warped wheel, simply not enjoyable. I don’t blame her for being frustrated.

#27

Sounds like all parties involved are frustrated, probably including the horse too!
Any chance of leasing that horse out to another kid that is eager and motivated but does not have the means (free lease,) and finding another suitable horse to lease for daughter? This would be on a trial basis with a 3 months limit for example. If things don’t change by the end of 90 days, return horse and call it quits for now. Make the rules clear to daughter first, and be sure she has a say in choosing suitable lease horse.

#28

Haha sorry, anyway, back onto topic at hand.

What is actually wrong with her horse? Ask her to put it into words. Is she inconsistent? Does she stop? Suck back? Spook?

I find writing everything down helps. Perhaps make a ‘plan of action’ schedule for six months with the hope of improving some of the mare’s issues, and if daughter sticks to the regime, and the mare doesn’t improve, perhaps think about buying something else?

I have always stuck with the horse I have in front of me, and that has definitely affected my competitiveness. I used to SJ, was fairly competitive at ponies. Then when I got current horse, he was just too inconsistent and plain hated it - drove me crazy. I love him and so I listened - I haven’t jumped in years now. And I’m a pretty driven person! So I can see how she feels.

I do dressage now :wink: Perhaps she needs a change of scene? H/J does seem to induce brattiness at times, and it’s a tender age!

#29

Competitive at the A shows - There are many rules to reach this goal, and the first of them all is a deep pocket. Can you afford her the kind of horses that are going to make her competitive at A shows? If you can, are you willing to? I have known parents who spend six figures for their teenager daughters on a string of horses, and spend 5K+ each month for training/showing. These are not your average middle class families; and yet, some of them literally went broke and mortgage their houses twice over.

There are certain caliber of horses that are required to win. It does not matter whether she has drive or not, or whether she is the most capable rider or not. If she does not have the horse, she will not get the blue ribbon. Simple as that. If that is not on the table, you need to tell her straight NOW. She needs to have reality drummed into her, and if she truly loves riding, she will adjust her expectation to be the best rider she can, instead of the one winning.

I think you both have different goals - you want her to be a good rider and she wants to win. You two need to get a mutual understanding.

#30

I think I picked up, though, that this is her step-daughter, and her father wants to just give her what she wants. So OP may be pretty limited in what change she can really effect here.

BUT, if a COTHer came on here and said, my trainer convinced me to get this horse, and I’ve been trying for the last 12 mos to make it work, but he’s simply never going to be good and happy in the discipline I want. Even my trainer says so. And he’s a tough ride, so I feel my confidence is getting lower every day. I really think it’s time to throw in the towel and send this horse on, but my trainer keeps insisting that riding THIS horse will make me a better rider, so suck it up. WWYD?

Setting aside the question of who’s paying the bills, would anyone here tell this person to stick with this horse?

My take: is that if parents are willing to support their kid’s involvement in horses, that should be it’s own question. They either are or they are not. But that should not be a lever to control.

What I might do: Set some baseline conditions for the parents to continue supporting the horse habit (like minimum grades at school, she can’t ever use the horse fund for other things like clothes/movies, she has to exercise the horse xx hours a week.) Set a budget of $xxx a month based on current board, routine vet costs, and lessons at whatever frequency you’re willing to fund. Giver her that budget and let her control how it is spent. Deposit that $ in a bank account that you both have control over, but she writes the checks, she’s responsible to ensure there are funds to cover her costs.

Make HER responsible to see to it that this budget covers the board and routine vet/farrier care, and whatever is left over can be spent on lessons and shows or whatever extras she wants. If she wants a new horse, well then she can sell the existing one, that goes in the bank, and that’s her budget to buy a new one.

This set up would give her more autonomy, help her realize the hard fact that this new horse may require lots of money in lessons/training, which will cut into her ability to afford showing. It would naturally encourage her to find catch rides to let her keep showing while she’s bringing along the new one.

Yes, at 15 she’s old enough for tough love, but she’s also old enough to make some decisions, and own the consequences. If the OP just makes the decisions about whether she can have the horse or not – how is that teaching her anything (other than Money is a tool to control people)?

#31

I started off thinking kid is a little bratty but thanks to other posters I have a different viewpoint.

Yes 15 is a difficult age. Daughters naturally pull away from their Mothers, same for Sons/Fathers. It is even worse when one or both parents are the coach/trainer. Then add in a horse and it can get really crazy. I have seen this played out with several teens whose parents were their coaches/trainers.

Suggest you have, as much as possible, a non-emotional conversation about what she really wants to do - does it involve horses or no?
She may need a short break from riding or from horses altogether.
I watched one very talented kid stop eventing because she was constantly put on naughty ponies, which she could handle very well. She just got tired of it. She did eventually switch to straight dressage, much less drama.
If she wants to continue to ride, you both may benefit from her taking lessons from someone else. They will probably tell her the same thing, but she will receive it better - another one of those teen things.

Talk to her about what she wants to do, don’t dismiss or jump on anything, just listen. Help her write out steps to reach any goal - she will see the one constant is all involve work, time and effort.

Hard for you to remove your emotions as you want the best for you child. But sometimes it is best to be as objective as possible so you can help her focus and make decisions for herself.

Good Luck

#32

Yes. I’m tasked to make it happen. I’ve also been tasked with tying up loose ends when things went wishy-washy before, so I’m a bit burnt out on the prospect of going another round when it would appear there isn’t any appreciation for what is already available…

I’m caught between a rock and hard place. Hence, the venting. Hope ya’ll don’t mind… :smiley:

#33

[QUOTE=Aggie4Bar;7842387]
Horse is ridden too inconsistently to be consistent. In consistent work, she’s forward, light, relaxed, and willing. Inconsistently, she gets anxious and thinks her salvation lies in scurrying away at the trot. So DSD’s best rides and break-through lessons have all occurred with the mare, yet she is cast aside as “making me a worse rider” because all she wants to do is poke her nose out and trot when yanked from the pasture once every 3-4 weeks. She’s actually quite an easy ride.[/QUOTE]

I’m still wondering if there isn’t a fear component at the bottom of this, as well as serious, honest frustration on the part of your DSD.

What is your DSD’s riding skill set like? Is she honestly equipped to handle a horse like this? Or is fear that she won’t be able to deal with what, to her, the mare dishes out at the bottom of it? That, and it could just be sheer frustration that keeps her from not riding the mare consistently. Sometimes we want to go out and ride and have a fun, uncomplicated ride, not always a fight.

This mare may be an easy ride to you; not necessarily to DSD. I agree with letting her ride some “easy” horses once in a while and see what happens.

Kim

#34

Sounds like a brat to me.

At 15, I was working my BUTT off every weekend for 8-10 hours each day working at the farm to pay board. Both my grandpa and my parents told me if I wanted it, I had to EARN it. If that meant hard labor, so be it! I saved up all of my money (which at 15 wasn’t a giant sum) to pay for most of my horse (grandpa pitched a couple 100 as well).

My horse was a trail horse when I got him. He would drag me all over the yard, take off back to the barn, spook and I’d fall etc… But I rode as often as I could convince my parents to drive me out, and I MADE that horse awesome! After a few years, I’d trained him to jump anything he was pointed at, and we were an amazing team. I wasn’t GIVEN a horse that already knew what to do.

Kid sounds like a spoiled brat that needs a reality check. She has a freakin’ horse, what more could she ask for? I can almost bet you that the other kids are putting ideas in her head (telling her horse isn’t good enough, talented enough etc). If she wants a better horse, she has to MAKE the horse better herself. That’s the only way she will become a better rider. Tell her the only way shes going to get a new horse is if she proves she can be the best rider on her current horse.

#35

[QUOTE=Aggie4Bar;7842387]
Horse is ridden too inconsistently to be consistent. In consistent work, she’s forward, light, relaxed, and willing. Inconsistently, she gets anxious and thinks her salvation lies in scurrying away at the trot. So DSD’s best rides and break-through lessons have all occurred with the mare, yet she is cast aside as “making me a worse rider” because all she wants to do is poke her nose out and trot when yanked from the pasture once every 3-4 weeks. [/QUOTE]

So, DSD is only riding the horse every once and awhile? Why? Is this part of the lack of work ethic? Does she understand that the mare needs to be in consistent work to be rideable?

I, too, think there may be a bit of the fear factor going on here. Would it help if you kept the mare tuned up for her?

Of course, she just might not be all that into it. How is she about the non-riding part of the horse biz? Y’know - mucking, tack cleaning, working with horses in hand, etc…

#36

Every 3 to 4 weeks? No wonder she isn’t winning. I’d just sit her down and tell her if she wants to show, she needs to work the horse more. Period. Then if she showed commitment to actually caring enough to work the horse consistently, we would talk about a new horse…not before.

#37

Did she start out riding more often and it’s dropped off? Because that sounds, as others have said, an awful lot like fear.

I HATE hot horses. I would have been better off getting something old, fat, and slow (and I wouldn’t have been with a therapeutic trainer when I was about the OP’s DSD’s age, fixing a horse and rider that both had their minds blown.) We’d quit with the trainer we bought him from when I started faking sick to avoid going to riding lessons. Even after he settled down, I never really got past the experiences of dealing with him when he was a basket case. I’m just lucky as an adult I have acquired the laziest, most bomb-proof animal ever to actually make a living as a racehorse.

She definitely needs an honest conversation about what A shows required, but even if she gets that part, the ship may have sailed on that being doable with this horse. It’s not about loving horses–most good riders are not going to love the entire species and want to ride absolutely anything no matter how rank or slow or hot or lazy. It’s about this particular horse being a bad fit and that being stuck in her head now.

#38

I can not relate to this, I started work at 15, bussing tables at a local restaurant, to pay for a lease on a horse that cost only $14 a month (cost of shoes at that time). Of course I am dated, but no way was I going to be given a horse and then complain about what it did or did not do. I also was given another free lease horse which I worked to feed and shoe as well. I never received lessons but I taught myself to jump a 4 ft course respectably, and rode a lot of trail rides over countryside where we could also sometimes find some jumps. There is no way on God’s green earth I would even have gotten to ride a decent horse if I did not. My parents did not have the money, but even if they did, my father would have said, you want it, you earn it. He was supportive of me riding but only saw me ride a handful of times. My mother probably saw me ride once because she had six children and a house to tend. He worked too hard himself and on weekends often I would go off with him to train and compete our beagles during the field trial season.

#39

I agree there may be more going on here than pure brattiness.

Is the 3-4 weeks literal or are you exaggerating? Because if she’s really only 1x a month… how is that fair to the horse? Okay, I get you may be doing the “here your rope, hang yourself with it” but the kid is 15. She still needs teaching. And you’re just setting her up for failure.

Here’s how it plays out:

Kid gets on horse 1x a month
horse behaves badly (no surprise)
kid gets frightened/scared/frustrated (no surprise)
kid does not like horse (no surprise)

Wash, rinse repeat.

You can argue “well, kid needs to ride horse more” but the kid already doesn’t like the horse, their confidence is already shaken. It’s too late at this point to say “ride the horse more and this won’t happen”. It’s on the adult in the situation (that’d be you, StepMom) to break the cycle.

I think it’s unfair of you to say the kid has no worth ethic just yet. Some people just aren’t going to cowboy up and solider on. It doesn’t mean they don’t have work ethic. It just means they don’t have nerves of steel.

Do something to break the cycle and let riding be positive again. Either keep the horse tuned up and INSIST she ride 1x-2x per week, and/or let her ride other horses. Keep an open mind that this may NOT be the right horse for her, no matter what. Maybe even string that carrot onto the stick: if she gives the horse an HONEST try for the next 3 months, you may actually believe her when she says she doesn’t like the horse.

Teenagers get really numb and dumb to adults insisting “you have to practice” or “well, if you did x, y and z you’d see I’m right”

I think you’re being a wee bit unfair to DSD just yet.

#40

[QUOTE=DJohn;7842642]
Sounds like a brat to me.

At 15, I was working my BUTT off every weekend for 8-10 hours each day working at the farm to pay board. Both my grandpa and my parents told me if I wanted it, I had to EARN it. If that meant hard labor, so be it! I saved up all of my money (which at 15 wasn’t a giant sum) to pay for most of my horse (grandpa pitched a couple 100 as well).

My horse was a trail horse when I got him. He would drag me all over the yard, take off back to the barn, spook and I’d fall etc… But I rode as often as I could convince my parents to drive me out, and I MADE that horse awesome! After a few years, I’d trained him to jump anything he was pointed at, and we were an amazing team. I wasn’t GIVEN a horse that already knew what to do.

Kid sounds like a spoiled brat that needs a reality check. She has a freakin’ horse, what more could she ask for? I can almost bet you that the other kids are putting ideas in her head (telling her horse isn’t good enough, talented enough etc). If she wants a better horse, she has to MAKE the horse better herself. That’s the only way she will become a better rider. Tell her the only way shes going to get a new horse is if she proves she can be the best rider on her current horse.[/QUOTE]

Welcome to the age of “Instant Gradification”!!! She will never be an “A” circuit rider or a Pro if she isn’t willing to make the most of the horse (any horse) she has!! There will always be a fault with the horse that keeps her from her goals!! Maybe she should lesson with a tough a$$ trainer on other horses to see if she really has the “stuff” to make it in the show world without blaming the horse for her short comings!! OP I don’t envy your position!!

Get your Digital Subscription here - only $29.99 / year

Subscribe here
See gift options

Sign up to our monthly newsletter!

By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. You may also receive promotional emails from The Chronicle of the Horse. You can opt out at any time.

Copyright © 2023 The Chronicle of the Horse