She should feel lucky. My parents went and bought a green 5 year old mare for me (their excuse, well she was only $150!) when I was a kid and it was tough titty learn to hold the buck from there. I had no one to take lessons from, and no way to get to lessons unless I worked hard for it. She should count herself lucky if she does not have to work towards grabbing a ride with someone to just be able to go to a local show. My parents always said, they paid the purchase price of the horse plus feed/vet/farrier but I was responsible for tack/lessons/shows/etc and I was only 13 when I woke up that fateful morning to find a horse in the yard.
[QUOTE=Aggie4Bar;7841902]
15. Old enough to babysit or do some odd jobs (IMO).
I do sympathize with wanting to keep up with her friends. I simply feel that if the love of riding was really there, she’d be doing everything she could, learning from every source she could. And I simply don’t see that.[/QUOTE]
At 15, I was biking 3 miles twice a day in the Texas summer to work a split shift to maybe afford a horse. I ended up with a nutty, OTTB that I had to work two jobs to pay for. Was it hard? Yes. But I wanted.to.ride. It was hard to see my friends on nicer, better trained horses. However, I was grateful to have something to climb on top of every day (and blessed because my boy is ridiculously handsome).
I agree with the posters that say Ms. Maresy needs a vacation off the farm. Riding a horse, any horse, is a privilege. She’d do well to remember that.
ETA: Now that I’ve read the whole thing: Does she ask to ride OTHER horses? Assuming you have other horses, since they’re at home, does she ever ask to get on one of them? The daughter of a boarder at my barn sounds a lot like your DSD. They’re about the same age. Boarder’s daughter has ridiculously nice, nice, nice show horse but she only wants to ride right before a show. Luckily mom rides and likes the horse and they’ve found a horseless girl who’s willing to help keep the mare in shape. Could you possibly find another teen or college student to ride your mare? I know you say she’s not A show quality, but I’m sure a lot of horseless riders would be happy just to have something to ride. The flip side of this, though, is that your DSD gets the best of the mare without the work.
Personally, i’d say if she’s got a horse in her backyard and she won’t ride more than once a month, she’s just not that into it. Maresy deserves someone who appreciates her. If DSD wants to ride, well, time to learn to catch ride. College is coming up fast enough that I’d not purchase anything.
[QUOTE=Gloria;7842224]
Competitive at the A shows - There are many rules to reach this goal, and the first of them all is a deep pocket. Can you afford her the kind of horses that are going to make her competitive at A shows? If you can, are you willing to? I have known parents who spend six figures for their teenager daughters on a string of horses, and spend 5K+ each month for training/showing. These are not your average middle class families; and yet, some of them literally went broke and mortgage their houses twice over.
There are certain caliber of horses that are required to win. It does not matter whether she has drive or not, or whether she is the most capable rider or not. If she does not have the horse, she will not get the blue ribbon. Simple as that. If that is not on the table, you need to tell her straight NOW. She needs to have reality drummed into her, and if she truly loves riding, she will adjust her expectation to be the best rider she can, instead of the one winning.
I think you both have different goals - you want her to be a good rider and she wants to win. You two need to get a mutual understanding.[/QUOTE]
This is the bottom line really. You and DH need to figure out what you’re willing and able to spend if A show competition is the goal. If it’s only her goal, then let the daughter know what you’re able to do and leave it at that.
When my daughter was fifteen she desperately wanted a games pony. We couldn’t afford it so I told her she would have to find a free lease pony and a job to pay the expenses. She did!
She and that pony had so much fun doing both PPGs and western games as well as jumpers! She paid for it all by mucking stalls and exercise/training horses.
Now she competes in gold level jumper shows with her OTTB and pays those expenses with the money she earns.
Sometimes with teenagers it’s better to show them how they can earn something rather than saying no. Then they choose their own destiny; at least that has worked with my kids.
[QUOTE=Aggie4Bar;7841773]
DH is adamant that he wants to give DSD every opportunity to accomplish her goals, so my hands are tied here[/QUOTE]
This is the root cause of the problem. There is no need for motivation when the opportunities regenerate eternally. You just have to wake up the next day and it will be there for you.
Like many people, your DSD may indeed be passionate about the idea of being a pro rider, but has (much?) less appreciation for the process of developing mastery. To be a truly good professional you have to yearn for the mundane, focus on the basics for a lifetime, etc.
There are certainly professionals who make it on other formulas, but the ones at the top did it with motivation and work ethic. Very many of them have stories of unusual hardship that they overcame, most of the rest had to build it all up for themselves. In all cases there is a serious work ethic.
David
Any chance of her doing a working student gig for a summer? Doesn’t have to be a top “A” show barn (not sure they’d be interested in her if she’s only riding infrequently anyway), but a place that shows enough locally and maybe an A show here/there to wake her up to the reality of hard work and what that lifestyle actually entails. Early mornings, long days, lots of mucking, bucket scrubbing, working horses she doesn’t necessarily love, grooming for those showing, etc…might be a good wake up call if you can find the right fit for her. A good summer working for a barn in some capacity will give her some reality and make her realize whether she really wants to work for the life she thinks she wants or not. Maybe it’ll light a fire, maybe it’ll convince her to move on to other pursuits.
That and she can probably spend less time on Instagram/Twitter/Tumblr, all the sites that flaunt the A circuit lifestyle.
Poor kid. Stuck with a stepmom who speaks about her online as if she is some ungrateful little slug. You honestly think she can’t see the way you think of her? And that’s supposed to inspire her?
You were not “tasked” to make her a professional rider. Your husband is not your CEO, he does not get to make those decisions in a vacuum. You have a voice, and you are fully capable of telling him, “no”. Try doing that instead of taking out your frustrations on a minor.
I guess I don’t understand why a comparably valued horse that’s more suited to the job couldn’t be found for the kid. We tell adults that life’s too short to be stuck riding a horse that’s not right for you every day on this board; why is it any different with a teenager?
[QUOTE=Aggie4Bar;7841773]
I have a kid with lofty goals and no real desire to work for them. She’d argue that point. But… it’s just not there.
DH is adamant that he wants to give DSD every opportunity to accomplish her goals, so my hands are tied here… being dragged along for the ride, whether I support it or not.
Ah, I’m just frustrated.[/QUOTE]
If your hands are tied because your DH is calling the shots? What is it you want us to tell you to do? Since you say your hands are tied?
I think you need to start there.
[QUOTE=Aggie4Bar;7841902]
15. Old enough to babysit or do some odd jobs (IMO).
I do sympathize with wanting to keep up with her friends. I simply feel that if the love of riding was really there, she’d be doing everything she could, learning from every source she could. And I simply don’t see that.[/QUOTE]
Your daughter is at that notorious age when the VAST majority of young ladies give up “The Horse Thing” in favor of Boys, Friends, Texting, and Going Out. If she just isn’t that into her horse anymore, resolve yourself to seeing the writing on the wall and get yourself out from under the expenses, preferably by leasing your mare to a kid who will properly appreciate her. Tell DD that if she wants to ride at the end of the lease, you’ll think about getting her back. By that time you should know . . .
I am assuming you live in the country and as she is too young to drive, is it really realistic to expect the kid to have a job? How will she get to and from her job?
I also wonder if she is lonely. It could be that riding alone (I am assuming this of course) just isn’t for her. I was a serious rider who worked hard, but I hated riding alone. I am lucky I could take a bus to the local stable and was able to work off board! She may need riding to be more of a social thing or to have others to ride with as motivation. Is boarding a possibility?
It could also be she is depressed and is coming out as frustration and blaming the horse. She might need real emotional help. 15 is a tough age.
[QUOTE=SendenHorse;7842028]
Daughter is telling you loud and clear its not the horse for her. YOU aren’t listening.
YOU think she should suck it up and ride this horse, why? Do you want to ride a horse that is hot and not going to get anywhere?
I don’t. :no:
What I would do: sell this one and take a long term lease on a show-ready horse and see how the attitude is then.
Doesn’t sound spoiled to ME, sounds frustrated. Its not a good fit.[/QUOTE]
Exactly. It could be that what you are doing to your child is like having a child who is born to ice skate, handing her roller skates, and then criticizing her because she feels awkward and unfit. Why don’t you work with her to give her a chance to excel at what she’s yearning to do?
Despite the silly “back in my day I worked 18 hours a day in a pitch black coal mine every day just to smell a horse” stories, I think parents are a large component of teenager’s work ethic. Very few are just born with work ethic. Work is hard, and it’s not always fun. What are you (and your DH) doing to cultivate her work ethic?
One step is to sit down with her & have her brainstorm all of the smaller steps towards achieving her goals. It’s one thing to say “I want to win at an A show” and another to keep going & say “and to do that, I need to ride my horse every day, lesson with my trainer every week, etc.” Making a dream board is a fun way to do that, where she can write down & display her goals along with the steps on the way.
Hey, I like the dream board idea. A lot.
Its a positive to lay out all the little steps needed to reach the goal so they can be seen. Better then the negative of saying no, you have to do these things first. Let’s them see the corelation between little steps and progress towards the goal, even if they never make it all the way.
Absolutely 100X this. Many of the best riders in the BigEq circuit may come from money and/or have access to fantastic horses, but every one of them had to put hours and hours in the saddle to get good.
Also, it is my humble opinion that a “better” horse is very often a much tougher critter to ride. Would you let someone with a learning permit drive a Ferrari without practicing on a Corolla first?
You say she has poor work ethic, you say her goals are unrealistic, you say the reason the horse isn’t working out is all because of her, multiple other people have said the horse isn’t right, she should retire her, etc… That kind of negativity in addition to a horse she already feels she is getting nowhere with would make anyone hesitate to even bother. Would you put effort into something you feel is hopeless?
This is just an idea, I anticipate some will not like it, but if you can, surprise her with a few DVD’s of clinics with some good trainers if she doesn’t have some already. It’ll give her a few ideas and show her how helpful and do-able basic exercises and flatwork can be. Watching clinics has always re-inspired in times of a slump. It’s nice to have some new things to try and to see that there are things you can do on virtually any horse.
ETA: Let her watch them on her own accord. She will disregard them immediately if you are sitting there with saying, “see, I told you”.
Her goals are not unrealistic. She has set some big ones for herself and they will be very hard to achieve, but they aren’t impossible.
No, I’m not going to pitch in with a “back in my day” story.
I will say that the every 3-4 weeks for the ride is a bit of a tell.
When I taught kids, we had a small h/j state fair circuit thing - you could tell who worked really hard and who didn’t really care.
We had one girl whose dad purchased a new car instead of buying her a replacement for her very sweet, but sticky pony. But she put the hours in, the miles and made what she had work. A circuit? Not even close.
Dad had the money, but wasn’t inclined to be a state parent for the horsey set. Ok.
One gal’s mom - daughter had a beautiful light hand, gorgeous seat - bought her a lovely youngster that mom knew daughter was good enough to bring on. Too much work, daughter bailed and mom ended up selling this sweet, gorgeous mare after a long search and a big build up to a birthday surprise.
If it is fear - I know that feeling, I was constantly bunged off soured school horses - then try a lease of a horse that is short term enough to see if it’s a decent fit.
A circuit is pretty much a pipe dream without the work. It’s a good smoke and mirrors with when a realistic one would be to become an effective rider. I admire riders who can take tricky horses and make them look/go better.
15 is a hard age, but these days - unlike mine - A circuit is easy to see, easy to imagine. It’s like all the glamourous things people want, but there is so much competition that it takes more than sheer talent to make it to the top.
The interim between rides is awfully long to invest in a new horse. My goal would be to have this girl illustrate her desire to create the best she can with this horse. Prove herself.
Beyond that it’s just smoke.
[QUOTE=Aggie4Bar;7841902]
15. Old enough to babysit or do some odd jobs (IMO).
I do sympathize with wanting to keep up with her friends. I simply feel that if the love of riding was really there, she’d be doing everything she could, learning from every source she could. And I simply don’t see that.[/QUOTE]
Yep.
[QUOTE=arapaloosa_lady;7844312]
Despite the silly “back in my day I worked 18 hours a day in a pitch black coal mine every day just to smell a horse” stories, I think parents are a large component of teenager’s work ethic. Very few are just born with work ethic. Work is hard, and it’s not always fun. What are you (and your DH) doing to cultivate her work ethic?
One step is to sit down with her & have her brainstorm all of the smaller steps towards achieving her goals. It’s one thing to say “I want to win at an A show” and another to keep going & say “and to do that, I need to ride my horse every day, lesson with my trainer every week, etc.” Making a dream board is a fun way to do that, where she can write down & display her goals along with the steps on the way.[/QUOTE]
It is hardly silly to say that we (those who did) worked hard for what we had with the horses. She does not need a self esteem class. If she wants it badly enough the solution is to tell the child if she wants another horse she has to work for it. The other horse could be sold, that would be the end of that problem then you would see if she really wants to work for it. For that matter, she could just do catch rides if that is all she wants to do, but unlikely she would get away with just once every three weeks riding. Maybe she just does not want to do it anymore and is afraid to say so. Her dream board is to have a $40,000 horse, that is pretty clear. I would not enable this any longer if I were her stepmother.
Would she be happier with a different discipline? My older daughter evented, and rode all kinds of difficult, unsuitable, cheap horses because that was what we could afford. Younger daughter was unmotivated with her riding and didn’t like to event. Once we found her an older, quiet, eventing packer, she discovered that she loved dressage. She and he competed through 4th level. She also discovered that she loved polocrosse, which she did on our totally unsuitable but versatile and willing Irish Draught.
Don’t forget to emphasize to daughter that horses are rarely a successful career choice. She needs a back up plan that will provide a steady income. You and her father are doing her no favors if you allow her to avoid getting an education and a career.
