Instilling Work Ethic (Frustrated)

[kdow]

[QUOTE=AKB;7844750]
Would she be happier with a different discipline? My older daughter evented, and rode all kinds of difficult, unsuitable, cheap horses because that was what we could afford. Younger daughter was unmotivated with her riding and didn’t like to event. Once we found her an older, quiet, eventing packer, she discovered that she loved dressage. She and he competed through 4th level. She also discovered that she loved polocrosse, which she did on our totally unsuitable but versatile and willing Irish Draught.

Don’t forget to emphasize to daughter that horses are rarely a successful career choice. She needs a back up plan that will provide a steady income. You and her father are doing her no favors if you allow her to avoid getting an education and a career.[/QUOTE]

Heck, business classes aren’t likely to be a waste of time even if you can make it professionally - it is a business after all. Even if you hire specialists for some things (like an accountant) you still need to know enough to tell if the jobs are being done properly and to know roughly what needs doing.

[trubandloki]

I totally feel for the OP in this thread. It seems like all her choices are wrong in some way. Add that she has to walk the fine line of not causing marital problems in the process.

If the father of this young lady can afford to lease her a different more suitable horse I would say the best option is sell her current horse with the carrot dangling that you will lease her something else. That something else will require her to get a part time job somewhere and she will have to pay $x (number figured to be at least half of her income if she works a reasonable for her schedule amount of hours, enough to have an impact) towards the upkeep of this horse.
Sit down and figure out a riding schedule that has to be kept.
Agree on a showing schedule that you can afford and that her trainer agrees is appropriate. (Clearly you need to have her trainer on the same page for this whole thing.)

Then add in the ‘if you do not keep your schedule for working and riding’ scenarios. If she skips riding so many days per week (without a real reason, clearly if there is a huge assignment at school that is more important than riding, just being a little tired and having minor cramps is not a reason) she looses one local show or one clinic or…

With this set up you are going out on the limb, giving her the chance and showing her that there is work involved. It being a lease makes it so that if it all falls apart you are not stuck selling another horse.

Now I realize a 15yo is some what limited on what jobs they can get but I am sure there is something somewhere.

[jeta]

@Aggie4Bar;7841773

I have a kid with lofty goals and no real desire to work for them. She’d argue that point. But… it’s just not there.

I know I cannot add work ethic to this child. She has to want it. How do you sit back and just watch though?

I don’t know what the family dynamics are here, but I don’t envy your position…

IME raising kids with a work ethic starts young…Has she had age appropriate chores at home that if not done have resulted in a real consequence?..

I found occasional round table discussions on the fact that I was perfectly willing to cart everyone around and be involved with their interests, but that there were just so many hours in a day and I was going to need some help with mundane household duties…I think the concept that they are not the center of the universe is a valuable life lesson…It teaches them to be considerate of what others do for them…

I read the whole thread, and keep going back to the OP with a different thought on this…Is it possible that she has lost interest and just doesn’t know how to say it?..Is DH supporting her dreams or is the dream his to keep her focused on something constructive?

As others have said 15 can be a rough age…Maybe take a break completely from the horses and allow her to explore other interests…

If she truly wants to proceed with the horses, then IMO the 1st order of business is to make it clear that her challenge to getting a competitive horse, is that she has to make the best of the one she has to prove she is serious…Doesn’t mean she has to keep it, show it, etc…But at this point she has to show she is willing to put the work in…

2nd order of business is to be honest about what kind of horse you can afford if she passes challenge #1…It may be painful, but it is one of life’s realities that there are limits…

JMHO…Good luck to you…

[CHT]

I was thinking about this last night and it occurred to me that she may really WANT to go pro one day, but can’t see how to get from her current situation/limitations to that dream, and so gets stuck doing nothing. Perhaps she needs help mapping out a plan to get from where she is now, to where she wants to be.

[Gloria]

OP, please, whatever you decide to do, be honest with her. Telling her “you do not have work ethic to get to A circuit” is a blatant lie in her mind, and lies brood resentments. Unless you are ready to stick to your side of bargain, which is to get her an A-caliber horse IF she does have drive, do not use that reasoning. Remember whatever you promised her, you must stick to it. Nothing like danging a carrot in front of her hose, and take it away when she reaches her destination, which is what she believes going to happen. If you want her to hate you, that will do it.

Be honest with her, tell her what you can/can’t do, help her readjust her expectation, and help her to map a path to reach it. You will gain her respect, and you will foster her work ethic this way.

[red_mares]

[QUOTE=french fry;7843309]
We tell adults that life’s too short to be stuck riding a horse that’s not right for you every day on this board; why is it any different with a teenager?[/QUOTE]

Why is it different for teenagers? Because they very often aren’t paying the bills.

[french_fry]

[QUOTE=red mares;7845661]
Why is it different for teenagers? Because they very often aren’t paying the bills.[/QUOTE]

I’m not saying that having a horse isn’t a privilege for a teen; I’m saying that if she is going to have a horse anyway why not try to make it an appropriate match?

If an adult came on this board and said there’s nothing wrong with the horse, per se, but that she’s a little difficult and a little hot and isn’t really suited to her goals, plus she gets a little nervous trying to ride her we would be pretty much unanimous that the OP should sell the horse and find something more suitable.

Life’s too short to pay the board on a horse you don’t like. Life’s also too short to be paying the board on a horse your kid doesn’t like.

But by all means, let’s continue disparaging the OP’s stepdaughter and teenagers in general, bemoaning the fact that they don’t have any work ethic while suggesting taking away horses entirely, which sounds like a great way to ensure that the teen sits at home watching TV and texting with her friends 24/7 like the rest of this “lost” generation.

[HungarianHippo]

OP, If/when you have The Conversation:
(Not that you are doing any of the below-- just tips from lots and lots of experience in “conflict conversations” that may be helpful since they’re never easy).
Building on Gloria’s input, it’s usually unproductive to frame any conflict in terms of attitude, or what you believe the other person’s motivations or intentions are. It’s easily batted away and now you’ve completely forfeited your opening point. “You resent when I tell you to ride more.” (“No I don’t. I’m just tired”.) vs. “You rolled your eyes and shut your door loudly yesterday when I said you need to get to the barn.” (now you’ve taken away her automatic denial by dealing in facts).

It’s also a mistake to use qualifiers like “not enough”, “too much”.
“You are not riding enough if you want to be competitive.” vs. “You need to commit to riding 4-5 days a week.” (and then, “let’s make a plan together to achieve that, and talk about what we should do if you don’t achieve it.”)

[french_fry]

I will say that as a teen, when my parents told me that something wasn’t possible I really took it to heart. It had nothing to do with my work ethic and everything to do with being a rule follower.

For example, when my parents told me that we didn’t have the money to show rated I said that I would find another part time job to pay for it and they said I wouldn’t have enough time with my schoolwork and riding. When I said I could find a way to show on a budget they said that it would cost more than I thought it would. So on and so forth.

Knowing what I know now, I kick myself every day for not just going out there and making things happen for myself. I totally had the drive and work ethic to make it work, I just took my older, wiser, more worldly parents at their word when they said something was impossible.

Maybe that made me lazy or uncommitted or whatever, but had my parents been like “all right, if you come up with a budget for showing and find a job that will allow you to earn that money without cutting into your time to do schoolwork we can discuss this further” I would have been all over it. Maybe I should have figured that out on my own, but not having my parents’ confidence in me at all made me think that it really was impossible.

Sometimes I still struggle with this (especially professionally) and while my parents’ intentions were good and they raised me to be a productive member of society, I often have to remind myself to go out there and make something happen even if it doesn’t seem possible at first.

So, long answer to the OP’s original question about how to instill work ethic: I think (in some people at least) it needs to be demonstrated, taught and nurtured rather than coming pre-installed.

[suzyq]

[QUOTE=Aggie4Bar;7841821]
Yes, unfortunately, that is the harsh truth. Our horses are at home, but vacationing with a friend would not be difficult to arrange.

The mare is not for the jumper ring, no. We have an opportunity with a horse who is, but there is a lot of work to be done before DSD would be ready. She’s full of enthusiasm for the new horse. Having only been interested in riding sale horses for months now and with her sights set unrealistically high (e.g., WEF vs. local), I just don’t see her sticking with it. I anticipate months of dressage work and gymnastics will turn into a dejected “I’ll never get to show” and that that will become self-fulfilling, probably combined with excuses like, “You wouldn’t pay for me to show anyway,” because our budget will afford a show here and there, not an entire season with travel.[/QUOTE]

It does sound like she is interested in riding, just not in the horse which (sounds) unsuitable for her. Why not try the new one? Let her work out what she needs to do to get ready to show with her trainer, that keeps you neutral. You can just tell her she can show when the trainer says she is ready.