I have been boarding in various arrangements for many years. The barn options are super limited where I live right now and I just can’t drive an hour each way to a barn. I am planning on buying a place where I can bring my horses home with me next year. But right now I feel so unhappy with the barn I am at. It is a family owned operation and the family “static” that goes on between them is not great, but I don’t get involved so no big deal. But they are super prickly people and I seem to be always having some sort of feelings about them, about something they have said, about something I have said…just general emotional turmoil a lot of them time. I don’t think they are having any turmoil about me or anything to do with me. In fact, I think they really like me and enjoy me being at the barn. They are lost in their own world. I have a super successful career and many solid friendships outside of horses and I feel baffled that I have not figured out how to navigate these personalities at my age. I just don’t have these kinds of issues/feelings in any other part of my life. I am looking for any suggestions about how you have insulated yourself from the barn “stuff.” Just be super quiet, totally focused on you and your horse? Be an asshole so everyone avoids you? What has worked for you?
why do you have to do anything but ride your horse and mind your business? Be quiet and focus on why you’re there!
Lots of ways to deal with difficult situations; I put people in a figurative plastic plexiglass box so their nonsense doesn’t reach me - but that doesn’t always work.
The older I get, the less open I am to situational friendships that are based on geography or convenience, and the more I focus on my friendships with people whose lives I enrich and who enrich my life.
I too have a super successful career and solid outside friendships - and that doesn’t matter at the barn. Regardless of how successful we may or may not be, the dynamics at the barn are different. I’m very in charge and my expertise is understood and desired at work - at the barn, that’s totally different, lol, because my barn expertise is limited and unimportant.
It is also a very tricky time in our world, with such polarized and divisive issues front and center that are very important to all of us.
I’m beginning to be convinced that being quiet, totally focused on my horses, and kind as usual is the way to go.
To be fair, this can be a problem for those of us that are highly sensitive to emotional energy. Empathetic people often have to train themselves to not absorb everyone’s stuff.
Not to mention that even when you are successful in doing so, being in a barn where there is always kvetching and conflict can still be something you’d want to avoid as it tends to have a trickle down effect on care, etc.
OP, don’t beat yourself up about not knowing how to navigate this sort of thing. It’s not an indication that you’re lacking in any particular area… I really like right horse’s visual of putting people in a plexiglass box: you can interact with the, have a chat, whatever, but their stuff stays in that box and doesn’t make it into your space. If you’re a good visualizer, that could work very well.
I tend to be polite but aloof: I don’t stop and chit-chat beyond a kind “Hello, how’s it going”. I move with a purpose. In essence, I give off the vibe that I am occupied and not available to others. It has worked for me. I adopted this when I started doing training rides on other people’s horses and was often on a time schedule: it has served me well with my own horses too, who often get ridden last and thus are sometimes seeing me with a little less emotional availability than I would have at the beginning of the day. To be fair to them, I just continue on in my bubble and devote my attention to them as if they were any other training horse.
Something else that has worked well for me (as I am totally one of those highly empathetic people that feels EVERYONE’S stuff if I’m not careful): before I get out of the car, I take several deep breaths. I clear myself of anything I might be carrying that wouldn’t be helpful to the horse, and I remind myself that any negative emotions I run into from others is not mine to carry. I also sometimes remind myself, after hearing or being bombarded with someone’s “stuff”, that it must feel so uncomfortable to live like that, and extend empathy to that person. This tends to bring me back to where I need to be.
OP you have already stated the solution, buy your own place.
Horse world is complicated enough without trying to “fix” the barn’s owners attitude.
Headphones are your friend even if you don’t actually listen to music.
As Abbie S. said come in with purpose and keep moving. Just tune everything out around you.
@Abbie.S great post. One of the double-edged swords of boarding, particularly at a small place, is the lack of proper boundaries. Former BO would love to chat and gossip and bitch about all matter of people and events. Its like she was waiting all day for some social interaction and when the boarders came to the barn after work to ride she finally had a captive audience. It drove me nuts.
At first I was delicate about it - explaining how I deal with people at work ALL DAY and really just want to relax and spend time with my horse. That didn’t work. I would walk away from her mid-rant and just go about my business of tacking up and grooming my horse but she would follow me. One time she followed me on-foot around the arena as I warmed up my horse. I had to learn how to be a bad listener and straight up stonewall her. No eye contact, no nodding or agreements. Its one of the many reasons I had to leave that place. I just could not handle her negativity. Things got MUCH worse when covid hit and she decided to become a conspiracy theorist and political crusader who had to tell me how wrong I was about everything. I realized I was shortening my time at the the barn since it was such an unpleasant environment. I’ve never been so happy to leave a barn. My horse was happier too - he picked up on the tension.
You only have a year until you buy a place? I would just learn how to let people deal with their own issues. I am not one who gets worked up over others people’s drama. They can tell me about it, even ask my advice but for me it stops there. Some families thrive on issues and live in turmoil day in and day out.
When I boarded I came to ride. I was lucky that the people I did socialize with were normal and drama free. That helps.
I am also very sensitive and I have a similar routine where I check in with. myself as I’m heading to the mounting block. Often I am frazzled or wound up because someone else on the cross-ties was going on and on about their terrible day or similar. Right before I get on I take a big deep breath, give my horse a scratch/kiss, tell him I love him and we’re going to go have a good time, then I get on. It refocuses me on what matters (my horse, our connection, ENJOYING MYSELF) and away from what doesn’t (random cranky barn people), and then I don’t bring that stressed-out energy into my ride.
This might not be the nicest answer but my new barn manager would just dump everything on me…like way out of line - depression, anxiety, eating disorders, issues with relationships with people, etc etc. I’m an empath and it was really affecting me I wasn’t able to devote much energy to myself, boyfriend or friends with issues because I just couldn’t stand to hear anything else negative. She was always at the barn when I was there no matter when I went. I basically just really pissed her off a few times and put my foot down, like she got MAD at me and wasn’t speaking to me. Now we’re on polite terms will chit chat for 5 minutes then continue on our way and it’s perfect. I wish it could have been resolved differently but she just wasn’t listening to me trying to set boundaries. I am going to be very careful to not let those boundaries slip as time goes on.
This. Sometimes you just have to set boundaries. I boarded at a barn for 3 years, and there was always so much drama between the family (they had 3 houses on the property…grandma, her daughter and really annoying boyfriend, and her daughter’s sons (one of whom was a drug addict and would come and go in and out of rehab and at the farm…he was never an issue but I always had to hear about it). Anyways, I finally put my foot down when people tried to dump all their personal stuff on me. I told them I was more than happy to discuss horses, but that I was not their therapist. Sounds mean, but I had my back pushed against the wall and literally could take no more. I have a tendency to take on others emotions, and I’m very sensitive to others emotions and energy. I had to do it for my sake, and my family’s sake. However, my ultimate solution was to bring the horses home, where they are now. And it is ABSOLUTELY LOVELY to be able to go out and spend time with them without one person or another trying to dump all their personal issues on me. It is now my happy/quiet time again. Good luck OP.
ArabDressage1, I really feel for you. I competed in open dressage on a wonderful little Crabbet-bred back when anti-breed sentiment was rampant. At that time I really needed an indoor arena to keep him fit and focused through the winter, but everyone else in the barn had OTTBs, Morgan Sporthorses or assorted warmbloods, so you can just imagine…so when another facility opened just across the street I jumped in, only to find I had the only “crazeeAyrab” in an otherwise entirely AQHA cutting barn. However, the QH people taught me some amazing things about conditioning and grooming, which I use to this day. But my “punishment” for having this crazeeAyrab? I had to be the “mechanical cow” whenever theirs went on the fritz, so when they needed something crafty and fast (e.g. me, in those days) to start their youngsters on, out I went. I got really good at it, too! And even though the QH barn was a completely different universe than that of my youthful personal bubble, being western, cowboy, a different breed, different culture, even different kinds of relationships and social strata among the existing group, apparently being a good sport ended up counting more than the breed of the horse I chose to ride.
But that was then, this is now – and our society is vastly different and the anger, fear, and frustration levels in people everywhere in our country and especially in small situations is not something you want to try to endure for your horse - or yourself. These days it almost seems everyone hates everyone else and is inclined to exhibit those feelings in an ever-changing kaleidoscope of friending and unfriending faster than on a middle school playground.
In short, do whatever it takes to get your own place. If you cannot speed that up, try to find a small private barn where you can perhaps work out a co-op arrangement, even if you have to spend more time behind the wheel and less time in the saddle.
It is true that those of us with successful professional careers and coherent adult lives sometimes find the barn the one place in our lives where we need to interact with fairly marginal people. It is also true that the barn dynamics can make some successful adult women revert to being insecure tween lesson kids.
As far as annoying people, who aren’t deliberately trying to ignore you, it really is all in your own head. It can help to relegate them to a comedy channel in your head. They are going to Bingle along and do their own stupid thing. You are not responsible for them, and you are not tainted by them. Don’t interact more than you have to and don’t give them real estate in your head.
Easier said than done, of course.
I meant annoying people who aren’t deliberately trying to annoy you, who bungle along.
I have yet to find a really good solution. Being empathetic and a good listener are skills I have invested a lot of time in developing. In most areas of my life they serve me well. Barns can be a space where it is beneficial to pull back but for some of us that is easier said than done.
In your situation I’d try to time visits around activities where they are preoccupied and leverage a lot of noncommital “ohs” and “hmms” when conversations inevitably occur. If I’m backed into a corner where someone is pressing me to take a stance on something I typically find success in labeling the other persons emotions “Wow. That sounds like it has been a really stressful day” “It sounds like you are really frustrated with him” . Very worst case I’ll toss on my coaching hat but this absolutely extends the conversation. For me, it is last ditch when I am trapped (like in a car) and want to keep the other person talking so I’m not going on record for being pulled into a situation “How do you see the situation resolving?” “What would be the best outcome” “Where would you like to see this relationship in a year” “What has this taught you about the other person”. Obviously, know your audience but if someone has the gift of gab and no awareness to realize that you are not interested, they typically jump at the chance to talk more about their thoughts and feelings.
The asshole track works for some people but if it is incongruent with your normal disposition, be ready to get called out in a big way. At my last barn I finally put my foot down with a ragingly racist, conspiracy theorist, hostile person who also saw herself as my unofficial trainer. I smiled and grimaced my way through months of interactions until I finally had enough. All it took was “I’m sorry but I really don’t have time today. I need to focus on my horse because I’m under a time restriction.” She exploded and literally screamed at me for about 15 minutes while I ignored her and calmly put my things away. On the positive side, she refused to speak to me after that. However, being empathetic and sensitive to energy, her silent rage completely destroyed my time at the barn and was the primary motivation to move on. So, all of that to say, having a rational conversation and drawing a reasonable boundary can backfire if you are not speaking to a rational adult.
OP, I feel for you. I am so thankful to be in the boarding situation I am in, because it perfectly fits my needs. It is a run as a professional business and the boundaries are clear. It is big enough to be able to melt into the background when I want to, with the ability to connect on an individual basis with only those people that I want to. And yet my mare is given great, consistent care that you would, in an ideal world, expect to get from a smaller, less busy barn.
Sheilah
No one ever tries to tell me any of their stuff… i’m just not much of a people-person. lol
I get what the OP is saying–it’s sometimes hard when you’re not actually involved in an issue, but you just want to relax and be with your horse, and someone is having…non-horse drama on a regular basis at the barn. If it’s a problem you can try to resolve it, but if someone is just demanding of your time it can be more difficult to withdraw.
I leased a horse at one barn which had a boarder who was a very sweet, elderly woman whose horse was largely retired (other than for walking). She was, however, a compulsive talker, and would literally converse nonstop with anyone at the barn unless she was in the saddle (and she only rode very briefly, because her horse was older and often unsound). If I was alone with her and just limited my responses to “yes,” “no,” and “how nice,” or if I fell silent, she’d start talking to the horse I rode. I knew she was lonely, I felt terrible her horse wasn’t 100%, and didn’t want to be rude, and sort of hated myself that I felt a little bit relieved when I’d pull into the lot and not see her car there.
The saving grace of brushing off people who are needy, craycray, crashing bores, etc., is that every one else does it too and they don’t really take offense most of the time if you just go uhuh uhuh and bye bye and walk away. The big thing is not to get too entwined with them in the first place.
Having a good radar for mental illness is useful, because often the worst situations are when you get too enmeshed with someone that’s not processing things rationally. A lot of folks are cyclical, and they can escalate over the course of weeks or months.
I was at my last barn for eight years (yikes!), a small affair run by one family, and they played favourites with boarders and were pretty blatant about it. If they liked a boarder, they would be friendly, chatty, and helpful, and if they didn’t, they would be none of those things. I don’t expect to be best pals with the BO, but a professional relationship would have been nice. Not blowing a gasket at me over minor infractions (like putting an irreparable horse blanket in the yard trashcan) would have been cool. Not bitching to my friend about all the ways in which you don’t approve of how I ride or take care of my horse would have been really cool. That last one was the end of the line, along with the farrier who made her lame, and the realisation that no other farrier in the area would come to that barn.
For a while, before I found a viable alternative, I tried really hard to navigate that relationship. But when people are that prickly and hostile and you’re like a sponge for emotional energy, it’s hard. My strategy was to keep my head down and just get on with riding and not interact, but as my horse hit her mid-20s and needed a bit more management, a policy of avoiding BO was increasingly unmanageable. I felt so good when I left. The barn I’m at now is run by sane, professional managers and staff. Such a breath of fresh air!
It turns out, being a douchebag is not a good business strategy. Despite there being a lockdown run on horses, my ex-barn experienced an exodus over the last year, and my friend reports that it’s roughly two-thirds empty.
