Interpersonal difficulties at barn. So tired of it.

[right_horse_at_the_right_time]

@Scribbler

The saving grace of brushing off people who are needy, craycray, crashing bores, etc., is that every one else does it too and they don’t really take offense most of the time if you just go uhuh uhuh and bye bye and walk away. The big thing is not to get too entwined with them in the first place.

Having a good radar for mental illness is useful, because often the worst situations are when you get too enmeshed with someone that’s not processing things rationally. A lot of folks are cyclical, and they can escalate over the course of weeks or months.

Mental illness…doesn’t equate to irrational processing.

Nor does mental illness require someone to have good radar to avoid enmeshing with him or her.

This attitude toward mental illness really needs to end.

Also, related: people being difficult doesn’t equal being mentally ill.

Should people also avoid those with high blood pressure or diabetes? cancer?

Ick.

[JustTheTicket]

So they don’t have any issues with you and seem to like having you around? It sounds like all the issues are your problem. Let them have their own drama, and you can be polite and ride your horse and leave. I don’t get what the problem is though- are they coming to you to complain about each other or something?

[BatCoach]

@GraceLikeRain

The asshole track works for some people but if it is incongruent with your normal disposition, be ready to get called out in a big way. At my last barn I finally put my foot down with a ragingly racist, conspiracy theorist, hostile person who also saw herself as my unofficial trainer. I smiled and grimaced my way through months of interactions until I finally had enough. All it took was “I’m sorry but I really don’t have time today. I need to focus on my horse because I’m under a time restriction.” She exploded and literally screamed at me for about 15 minutes while I ignored her and calmly put my things away. On the positive side, she refused to speak to me after that. However, being empathetic and sensitive to energy, her silent rage completely destroyed my time at the barn and was the primary motivation to move on. So, all of that to say, having a rational conversation and drawing a reasonable boundary can backfire if you are not speaking to a rational adult.

LOL - we were at the same place? Been there, done that, burned that T-shirt. As someone said up-thread, many of us who are boarders are successful professional people. We know how to navigate the playground and play nice in the sandbox. Its the equine-related relationships where we can meet the most ‘fringe’ and unprofessional people who have just zero emotional intelligence or manners. Its wild what we will put up with for our horses.

[TheJenners]

Hoooooo boy thanks for this reminder while I was considering taking on a couple boarders… :lol:

[anon68314200]

@BatCoach

@Abbie.S great post. One of the double-edged swords of boarding, particularly at a small place, is the lack of proper boundaries. Former BO would love to chat and gossip and bitch about all matter of people and events. Its like she was waiting all day for some social interaction and when the boarders came to the barn after work to ride she finally had a captive audience. It drove me nuts.

At first I was delicate about it - explaining how I deal with people at work ALL DAY and really just want to relax and spend time with my horse. That didn’t work. I would walk away from her mid-rant and just go about my business of tacking up and grooming my horse but she would follow me. One time she followed me on-foot around the arena as I warmed up my horse. I had to learn how to be a bad listener and straight up stonewall her. No eye contact, no nodding or agreements. Its one of the many reasons I had to leave that place. I just could not handle her negativity. Things got MUCH worse when covid hit and she decided to become a conspiracy theorist and political crusader who had to tell me how wrong I was about everything. I realized I was shortening my time at the the barn since it was such an unpleasant environment. I’ve never been so happy to leave a barn. My horse was happier too - he picked up on the tension.

OMG 😆 You are not in NJ are you??! It would be terrible to think there were 2 of these!! I had a similar experience.

[CHT]

Can it help if you program yourself to think of the barn drama as a TV show? This sometimes helps me when I am around my in-law drama: rather than getting caught up in it, or allowing it to make me anxious, I watch it as though it is a TV show: doesn’t really affect me, and I can “turn it off” when I leave.

[Redlei44]

I’d second the question about what exactly is happening at the barn, if you are sure that they really like you and enjoy having you around. Are they occasionally, or constantly, complaining to you about each other? Do they interrupt your barn time to referee arguments amongst themselves? Are they screaming at each other in the barn aisle? Do barn chores slip the cracks while they’re occupied with their drama?

To me, some of these would be in the category of “work on my own emotional boundaries” and some would be “nope, this place is unprofessional or borderline dangerous and it’s time to go.”

[zebra_stripes]

Barn drama of any sort is draining. The barn is where I go to relax and get away from drama so I get it. The barn I’ve been at for the last year and a half was so low-key and relaxing, with very little barn drama that was easy to avoid and then a virtual tornado of barn drama moved in.

She came with one horse, a terribly skinny TB, and almost immediately began posting on the barn Facebook page, asking if people had a free this or a free that or could she borrow someone’s trailer or did anyone know where she could get such and such really cheap and selling crap stuff for inflated prices because she was “broke, lol.”

Then this broke person excitedly posted that she’d bought a second horse, which turns out to be a 20-year-old laminitic gelding (very sweet) that she was actually given, and he’s getting straight alfalfa because that’s what the barn feeds and oh my god!

I avoid it as much as I possibly can but all of it puts my teeth on edge because I feel so bad for these two horses. With any luck, she’ll move on within a year as she apparently has at two other barns because “no one was nice to me.”

Barn owners are elderly and don’t get involved in day-to-day stuff so they’re out of the loop, by the way.

No answers for you but definite sympathy!

[Scribbler]

I don’t see one bad boarder as “barn drama.” Block her on FB, then you won’t see her posts. The care and feeding of the horses is up to the Barn Manager, and if a horse moves in who is medically compromised in regards to the regular feeding routine, that’s the Barn Manager’s job to deal with.

I would however lock up all my gear just because, and I would limit my interactions with her to mentioning the weather as I strode past. And I would resist the urge to talk about her intensely with other barn folk. That’s how drama starts.

There’s a lot more going on here than just a thin horse.

Keep your distance, don’t get emotionally involved in the outcome, and don’t engage. Don’t let her into your bubble. She will move on sooner rather than later.

[FatDinah]

This is so timely, I was going to start a thread myself.
I recently moved to a large boarding farm after being alone in solo care situation. Most of the interaction has been great. But there are definitely some women - older, longtime clients - who can put your teeth on efge.
Example: A recent weekday, I got there and found no other riders. So, I fed my horse in his pen, then set out my grooming tote and saddle, pads and bridle on one of the hitching rails. There are five in a row, maybe 100 feet long.
I went to get my horse and came back minutes later to find two boarders had ridden back. One of them had tied their horse to the rail I had left my stuff and had tipped my saddle into the dirt .
I didn’t say anything, just moved down the line, retrieved my stuff and tacked up.
But that sort of thing does taint your experience.

[zebra_stripes]

@Scribbler

I don’t see one bad boarder as “barn drama.” Block her on FB, then you won’t see her posts. The care and feeding of the horses is up to the Barn Manager, and if a horse moves in who is medically compromised in regards to the regular feeding routine, that’s the Barn Manager’s job to deal with.

I would however lock up all my gear just because, and I would limit my interactions with her to mentioning the weather as I strode past. And I would resist the urge to talk about her intensely with other barn folk. That’s how drama starts.

There’s a lot more going on here than just a thin horse.

Keep your distance, don’t get emotionally involved in the outcome, and don’t engage. Don’t let her into your bubble. She will move on sooner rather than later.

Well, I can’t block her on Facebook because it’s a group so I’d have to block the whole group. I don’t want to do that because it’s a very useful group. Also, no barn manager here so there’s that.

I wasn’t looking for advice on it, just pointing out that barn drama sucks. I have almost nothing to do with her but I do feel bad for her horses. Can’t help that. And regardless of whether one engages with those people or not, just their presence creates an underlying tension which is unfortunate. I’m personally very lucky because my barn is low-key without a lot of drama.

[Nezzy]

Ask a farrier or vet if there are any local boarding options for you. There might be private barns that would take on one or two boarders only, and therefore you could find some peace of mind.

[Horse_Rider]

I feel for you. I was a year at a place with a very hostile family dynamic. They were nice to me, but being in the barn while they sniped at each other made my own family drama PTSD rear up. I’m about five years out from being able to buy my own place, and it can’t come soon enough. If I lose my horse before then, I’ll be so glad to be able to get out of the horse world.

For a long time I worked at barns and mostly managed to stay out of it because I was too low on the totem pole to be considered a buddy to bitch to, and too good a worker for my bosses to take things out on me (mostly). Now that I’m the boarder and I sort of shuffle in with the rest, I hate it beyond words. Currently, I handle things by sticking to a schedule that puts me in the barn at the times with the least amount of people. I was once social at the barn, but I’m very burned out by the horse world/horse people after six years of drama at every place I’ve boarded. Current barn issue is that it is a lesson barn, and there are about ten teenage to twenty-somethings, and I get it, I was that age not so long ago, so I know the emotional upheavals and need for vindication that drives all that gossip and showing off, but it is a constant talk fest during which they rag on each other, their horses, their friends, their parents who are the ones footing their horse bills. I just want peace and quiet. :no:

If you only have a year, and the horse care is good, I would stick it out. The drama you know may be better than the drama you don’t. I think the only way to avoid drama at the barn is to have a place that’s just you and your horse, and even that’s not a guarantee!

[BatCoach]

@Isabeau Z Solace

OMG 😆 You are not in NJ are you??! It would be terrible to think there were 2 of these!! I had a similar experience.

hahah nope - other coast! unfortunately there seem to be plenty of nutters out there who just so happen to own horse property.

[atl_hunter]

@SonnysMom

Headphones are your friend even if you don’t actually listen to music.

As Abbie S. said come in with purpose and keep moving. Just tune everything out around you.

^^THIS WORKS

My last barn had a few chatty Patty types that drove me nuts, and I just wanted peace. One day I had my ear buds in as I was on a conference call, and low and behold they all left me alone when they saw that I was on a call. I know it’s passive aggressive, but it seriously worked to keep those ear buds in my ears. I pulled them out on several occasions. Sometimes I played music - sometimes I just had them on.

I also tried to go to the barn later, when nobody was there. They were nice people, but after spending 12+ hours a day dealing with work issues, I just wanted to go to the barn and have some peace and not have to listen to all of their drama llama discussions. Now I’m in a barn with other working adults and I find the conversation less obnoxious. I just think the people at the other barn weren’t my “tribe,” and finding your people is really important when it comes to harmony and balance.

[PamnReba]

I recently cut off a lengthy diatribe by telling the gossiper, “That’s really none of my business and I don’t know why you told me that.” She got quite livid, but said nothing else.

[halt]

@FatDinah

This is so timely, I was going to start a thread myself.
I recently moved to a large boarding farm after being alone in solo care situation. Most of the interaction has been great. But there are definitely some women - older, longtime clients - who can put your teeth on efge.
Example: A recent weekday, I got there and found no other riders. So, I fed my horse in his pen, then set out my grooming tote and saddle, pads and bridle on one of the hitching rails. There are five in a row, maybe 100 feet long.
I went to get my horse and came back minutes later to find two boarders had ridden back. One of them had tied their horse to the rail I had left my stuff and had tipped my saddle into the dirt .
I didn’t say anything, just moved down the line, retrieved my stuff and tacked up.
But that sort of thing does taint your experience.

WTF?

I’m assuming they hadn’t left a halter there and were making a point. Still, really rude.

[ayrabz]

Just as you’re not going to change your barn owner’s personality, she/they aren’t going to change yours. If this is something that lessens your enjoyment with your horse (REGARDLESS of if it ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’…you’re not going to become someone else) Then MOVE your animal. Anyone with a ‘super successful career’ isn’t stuck anywhere. Or as clanter mentioned, sounds as if you might be able to get your own place if that appeals to you.

[Lumpy_Space_Pony]

This really is the worst - I don’t know about anyone else but it is paramount for me to have the best possible relationship with the people who are caring for my horse 24-7.

And in my own experience, especially at work, people who are frequently brushed off and ignored are always eager to develop another grudge and be even worse.

Just count the days until you can afford to move and be glad that’s an option.

And if this applies, be glad you are no longer a young female being creeped on at the barn.

[Casey09]

Well, this is a tough one. We have all experienced barn drama. It is just the nature of the beast. I have also seen work drama, neighbor drama, and drama in other hobbies I have pursued. Join any group for just about any activity under the sun and eventually, there will be some kind of interpersonal drama.
I have my retired horse and a companion at home and there is a lot I like about it. I do enjoy going there and hanging out with them, cleaning their stalls, brushing them, and having time to think. It’s very peaceful.
When you pull into the boarding barn, as I do when I ride, you never know what you’re going to get. When you’re not even there, you’ll get a reminder about something and my mind immediately goes to, “OMG was in the one that didn’t sweep well enough?” It’s a different experience.
I’ve certainly been around some difficult people when boarding. However, I couldn’t post here without saying that some of the fellow boarders that I might have sometimes considered difficult have become friends and helped me through rough patches. They offered to help when I had a horse in rehab. They offered valuable advice that was actually right. They gave me a pep talk when I wanted to quit (which I would’ve regretted).