I am always upfront with people right away, polite and firm. Just tell her what’s going on, that you had a loss of confidence last year and now you need to focus. Be very direct. I have learned over the years to focus on the task at hand when working with a young horse, that keeps them focused on me to the point neither one of us notices someone may be watching. If they speak and I am in the middle of something I ignore them until I’m done.
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Thank you, good advice! I do have a trainer who comes out once a week and have started horses before a few years ago/ridden alot which she knows, when she spotted the trainer she said why have you got “some guy helping you” in other words why have i not asked her. However i disagree with her methods almost entirely and she doesn’t actually ride, her kids do. it’s hard as you dont want to upset people. It is also only due to wanting her children to have something to ride. It is true what you say that in alot of cases people think someone needs the help, and some should definitely not start a horse, however it’s not the case with her. That’s great that you overcame the nuisances and was able to focus, I hope I manage to do the same! Did you have to stop and answer their questions and chatter or just carry on? Thanks again
Thank you for your reply, I have said a few times how much my confidence has returned and that I’d contact her when I’m ready to meet, I’m better not being watched etc, but she ignores this and literally replies only to the part of a message she wants to. I will learn to ignore it, that or put electric fencing up in her path! I think ignoring it if she speaks is a good idea, awkward but might be the best tactic, thank you
Thank you, I think it’s a case of ripping the scab off. As their interruptions should stop then, I hope. What you have said is really the best thing to say, Thanks
Haha good one! I think I will say this too, though hes so calm for a three year old she probably wont believe it, and she also believes her children are superstar riders unfortunately. It’s a good one to use though as its light hearted and another way of saying no, thank you
Haha good one! I think I will say this too, though hes so calm for a three year old she probably wont believe it, and she also believes her children are superstar riders unfortunately. It’s a good one to use though as its light hearted and another way of saying no, thank you
Thank you, well said. She already has two but one is not ready to be ridden and the other they have outgrown. They sit and kick/pull. That’s their riding level without sounding nasty, and she is a very, very proud parent, I know she must be hurt somehow that I have distanced myself when we used to meet up etc but we dont see eye to eye on training and I used to be left frustrated/annoyed after spending any time with her. They dont have the room for a third horse and she said when my parents have passed, she could buy some land and the conditions could be that I could still keep my horses on there! God now I’m writing it down it makes me realise again, how bad that is. Thanks again
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“Has he bucked you off yet?”
“Why in the world would you ask me that?” Turn, walk away and don’t wait for (or pay attention to) the answer.
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Becoming a broken record will be your saving point. I’ve had several individuals like this who ask constantly or hint that they want their kids to ride my horses (1 green eventer, 1 sensitive trail horse, and 1 retired small pony) or they attempt to distract me while riding by hanging over the arena fence and calling out to me. I somewhat covered myself from liability in case they had grown bold and interacted with the horses over the fence by hanging “no trespassing” and “smile you’re on camera” signs around my property along with state equine liability law signs on each entrance and corner.
For the outright asking I become a broken record and just say “No that is not possible due to insurance”. That’s it. If they insist that their kid is a good rider then I just repeat myself once then go about my business. At one point I did respond with “well my rates are $150 for 30 minutes” or something ridiculous like that but that just encouraged them to try and work me down in price. Especially because a few individuals do know that my small is a retired lesson horse and my trail horse packs my beginner level brother around.
For the hanging over the fence while I ride I just wave once and carry on with my session. I hate being watched but I’ve had to develop a tough skin to deal with the fact they won’t go away and the best thing I can do is just ignore them. If I’m riding then I’m working on something and need to be 100% focused on my horse and myself. My time is valuable and when I ride it’s a moment to focus off the “real world” and give my all to something I love. If I have a trainer out for a lesson then I do warn them and just caution them to not engage. One will bring business cards to hand out if the parents call her over but knows to discourage everything else.
You’ll feel extremely mean but it goes away after awhile. Just don’t give in. You know what’s best for your horse and yourself. Worst case scenario is planting privacy bushes or trees along the fence line.
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You can not really control what your neighbor does on their side of the fence or in the road. You can control how much you let it bother you.
I find it strange that anyone would ask their neighbor to not watch them ride. I hate an audience as much as any introvert does, but I have never considered telling people that they can not stand on their land and see what I am doing on my land.
If you do not want to talk to this person while you are riding it is fair to say just that. “Sorry Suzie, but I need to concentrate on what I am doing so I can’t converse while riding” and then stop talking to her. Do not respond to her questions.
I agree with the others on the neighbor asking if their kids can ride your horse thing. Just say no. “No, sorry”
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You have had some very good advice but I would agree with those that advise against helping them find a suitable horse. I think that will simply encourage the ongoing unwanted and unsolicited advice as well as possibly open you up to more unwanted conversations. My neighbors know I’m anti-social. We pretty much laid down the law and expectations when we moved in and/or they moved in. I do have one horse that I can put anyone on and have given ‘pony rides’ to the two little boys next door but that was when we offered not the other way around. I also back/start all of mine. I actually like the shenanigans that go on at the neighboring training/sales barn (reiners) and the backyard full of little boys’ toys on the other side- cars, sport equipment, they’re playing etc. I find it good exposure for all of mine. They are almost bomb-proof as a result. I also have no problems tuning them out and demanding that the horse focuses on me. I show so having people watch me is nothing new. I also haul in to a barn for lessons and often have boarders or other riders come watch. I find that the more anti-social I am and the more I ignore everything around me the less and less unsolicited conversation is directed my way (especially from those who frequent the training barn). I don’t think you’re being petty in the least but I do think there are some things that you’ll need to simple ignore which will do more to send the right message (including the message you send to your horse - pretend everything is alright, do not tense or tighten with the distractions, etc).
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This. I used to have a very pushy friend. She could be nice, and also very giving, but was pushy. One time when she asked someone to do something that i would have never asked, kinda put them on the spot, I said how could you ask that and she replied well they can always say no. That is how pushy people think. So just say no, and do what you want. No reasons needed. Don’t worry about hurt feelings or whatever. She will always put her needs over yours so stand up for yourself.
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- privacy hedge of quick growing trees or bushes on your side of the fence with a hot wire inside, that will give you some visual privacy.
- "It distracts me and makes me uncomfortable to be watched while I train- please do not come over "
- “Insurance does not allow anyone else to ride my horses. Please don’t ask.”
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Did I ever stop what I was doing? No. But when I’m working with my horse I’m kind of in the zone and if people were commenting I probably wouldn’t have noticed. I remember people from my barn watching which I eventually didn’t care about. But if I’m in the middle of training, I’m not saying hello to people, I’m not waving, I’m not focusing on them at all and I think that sends the message of “I’m busy leave me alone.”
Im also pretty blunt with my opinions on training. I remember one time this lady was trying to get me go to some natural horsemanship clinic because she thought it might be helpful. I straight up just said “I don’t like natural horsemanship and don’t agree with those principles.” And that was that. Another time someone else was telling me about how I need to teach my mare to ground drive. I just said “I don’t like ground driving.” And then just the other day actually my horse spooked at a dog wearing a cone of shame and one lady was like “yOu NeEd tO MaKe HeR tOuCh iT!!” So I flat out said no, I don’t believe in that practice.
I guess I kind of figured out if people really want to throw their training opinions at me, I’ll just throw mine right back. It takes them by surprise too because people assume that they have this wonderful insight and they think it’s so great they’ll just share it with anyone who will listen. But if you make it clear that, you don’t think their insight is as wonderful as they do, it kind of knocks them off their high horse because they expect you to just be nice and listen and not fire back with opinions they didn’t want to hear either.
Just be confident and let your abilities speak for themselves. If she wants to stand over the fence, don’t let it get in your head. If things are going well with your baby and your getting help from a trainer whose opinion you actually respect, you have no reason to be insecure.
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I wouldn’t get too bothered over questions like this. A lot of people who don’t know anything about colt starting just assume the backing process means there will be fireworks when realistically, if you’re doing things right, there usually won’t be. But people just assume the young horse will buck and rear until the rider “wins” and the horse gives in and submits. That’s just not how colt starting works. At least not if you know what you’re doing.
My friends would also make similar comments when I was starting my mare. “Please tell us when you back her for the first time so we can watch the rodeo!” They were mostly teasing but they just didn’t know any better. I think it’s the same deal here. You can’t let stuff like that get to you.
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Becoming a broken record will be your saving point. I’ve had several individuals like this who ask constantly or hint that they want their kids to ride my horses (1 green eventer, 1 sensitive trail horse, and 1 retired small pony) or they attempt to distract me while riding by hanging over the arena fence and calling out to me. I somewhat covered myself from liability in case they had grown bold and interacted with the horses over the fence by hanging “no trespassing” and “smile you’re on camera” signs around my property along with state equine liability law signs on each entrance and corner.
For the outright asking I become a broken record and just say “No that is not possible due to insurance”. That’s it. If they insist that their kid is a good rider then I just repeat myself once then go about my business. At one point I did respond with “well my rates are $150 for 30 minutes” or something ridiculous like that but that just encouraged them to try and work me down in price. Especially because a few individuals do know that my small is a retired lesson horse and my trail horse packs my beginner level brother around.
For the hanging over the fence while I ride I just wave once and carry on with my session. I hate being watched but I’ve had to develop a tough skin to deal with the fact they won’t go away and the best thing I can do is just ignore them. If I’m riding then I’m working on something and need to be 100% focused on my horse and myself. My time is valuable and when I ride it’s a moment to focus off the “real world” and give my all to something I love. If I have a trainer out for a lesson then I do warn them and just caution them to not engage. One will bring business cards to hand out if the parents call her over but knows to discourage everything else.
You’ll feel extremely mean but it goes away after awhile. Just don’t give in. You know what’s best for your horse and yourself. Worst case scenario is planting privacy bushes or trees along the fence line.
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May I suggest getting the book “Boundaries”, by Henry Cloud & John Townsend? It was a godsend for me to learn how to deal with pushy folks or those who just don’t understand boundaries. I was so afraid to hurt feelings but was letting my own mental/emotional health be trampled in the process; the book helped me understand exactly what boundaries are, why they are healthy and why they are so important!
I had to unlearn false promises - “yeah maybe next time/down the road”, “I’ll think about it”, etc. If I know how I feel about something right then and there (ie: unsuitable people riding my powerful, impatient event horse), I no longer drag it on and give them false hope just to spare feelings. I had a friend fall off about 2 years ago because I was too nice and let it get farther than I should have; now it’s easy for me to say to folks who ask to ride, “Sorry, she’s too high strung and the last time we tried it, my friend fell off and hurt herself so I don’t allow that any more. She’s not suitable for anyone who isn’t experienced.” Anyone who wants to argue that with me will be immediately shut down and shut out - my horse, my rules!
If you are working your horse and she comes over to chat, ignore her. If you feel that bad (I know I usually do!), give her a smile and immediately focus back on your horse. Don’t wave, as you need both hands for a youngster right? 
You could put earbuds in as if you have music playing - lots of folks have music to help them focus so it would be perfectly “normal”. If she honks, ignore her. If she brings it up, tell her your horse needs your entire focus especially since honking vehicles might spook him. Feel free to mention that as a “horse person”, she should know better than to honk a horn around a young horse.
Decide what is more important to you - her friendship or your mental/emotional health. The answer to this question will help you decide how to move forward. In the grand scheme of things, how much does her opinion truly matter to you? Life is way too short to cater to unhealthy peoples’ needs and squish your own! I wish you the best because I have long struggled with being a people-pleaser so I really do understand where you are at. I can’t tell you the freedom that I have experienced in just standing up for my own needs and learning how to let peoples’ opinions of me slide off my back! My relationships have flourished because people recognize that I respect myself enough to set boundaries, say no, be clear about my needs and feelings, etc. Those who can’t take it aren’t ones I want speaking into my life anyway. 
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Maybe your neighbor thinks she is just being friendly. She seems to be coming from a much more casual approach to horses, so she may simply think that she is being neighborly. You already know that she misses the time you used to spend having coffee or whatever. If she’s leaning on the fence watching you ride, just wave and then say, “Okay, gotta concentrate now,” and ignore her until you’re done riding. When she asks if he’s bucked you off yet, I think she is just trying to find a point of entry for conversation. Just smile and say, “Not yet.” If she asks if her kids can ride, just say, “Oh, Susie, I gotta say that this is never gonna happen. I’m the only one who’s getting on this guy.” As far as the beeping, could she be doing you a favor? Free bomproofing. A horse, however green, should be able to tolerate a car beeping from a reasonable distance away; that is such a common noise for most horses.
I am not sure why anything this neighbor is doing is a big deal, compared with any of the other adult decisions/situations we face in our work, communities, relationships, etc. We can’t go around letting difficult situations put us off our stride, so to speak. Women in the workforce can’t just avoid or “ghost” co-workers who are frustrating or unattractive to be around. Communicating directly, even when face to face with another human, is not starting a fight. It is usually preventing one.
OP, you say that you “really don’t want to cause conflict or hurt anyone’s feelings.” Get over it. You’ve already caused conflict – with yourself, and hurt feelings – your own. Just be honest with your neighbor, keeping it short and simple and pleasant, with some compassion for the fact that your neighbor is probably alittle lonely, and you might need her someday.
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Great post @SharonA .
That was my first thought when I read the OP, that this neighbor was just being friendly.
I agree with all of this, especially in terms of answering whether the kids can ride your horse. The shorter the explanation, the better IMO.
That, and pasting a constant smile on your face. For numerous reasons, I think it’s best to avoid neighbor feuds at a lot of costs. I wouldn’t let the kids ride, obviously, but I’d decline in the friendliest way possible.
I would also just throw out this caution. I wouldn’t ask her not to watch you from her own property or not to beep her horn and wave. If she’s the least bit passive aggressive, she may end up doing something a whole lot more annoying. A lot of people would sit on their own property and watch a neighbor ride or break a young horse, and there’s not much wrong with it. If she tries to talk, just smile and say you’ve got your hands full, but I’d try to keep everything friendly.
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