Intrusive neighbours

[SuzieQNutter]

Just remember that you have someone who can help you if you do come off and can’t get up. I do not have that. It could be days before I am found.

[Jealoushe]

@Rosie8888

Thank you, would you find a way to tell her before she asks?I’d wait til she asks but the fascination is getting worse. I just think its bizarre, they are children she wants on him, hes wonderful natured but breaking is very specific isnt it, I’m following a very careful routine with him, and they have never backed a horse. I know it’s coming because she asked me about the last 2 I was going to buy and I mumbled maybe in the future to save awkwardness. I could never let them ride this one, iv put blood sweat and tears into it. Il definitely have to say talk later I’m busy but shes pretty forceful, tends to ignore what she doesn’t want to hear, thanks again,

I have people often tell me/ask me that they would love to try my horse sometime (who isn’t easy, AT ALL and would likely launch these people)…I laugh it off, I just laugh and say “oh you’ll likely have to wait till In dead before I let anyone ride this horse, shes my pride and joy and I’m too controlling for that”. Then big smile

[Jealoushe]

oh, I also have a trick for when people watch you ride. Sometimes this happens at my place, where someone shows up unannounced and comes into the arena and watches me ride. People that, I know are huge judgy pants and gossipers in the community. When this happens I just walk, park my horse in the corner and pretend we are looking out the window or just standing there relaxing. After about 5 minutes they get confused and bored and leave. LOL works every time.

[MissMilly]

If you have room between the fence line and your property line I’d plant some sort of screen- trees, bushes, even tall grasses. That is a very obvious and permanent way to indicate you do not consider your two properties to have a porous boundary. It will also keep her back from the fence and provide you with some privacy.

[twixNnater]

You said you don’t usually notice she’s watching, you are just paranoid now because she told you she’s there. I suggest, first and foremost, you continue to not be concerned if she’s watching or not and just go about your business. If she’s waving or trying to get your attention at the fence, just wave and keep going or shout that it’s not a good time for you and you’ll catch up later. (Then do or don’t actually catch up with her). If she keeps doing it all the time, just text her and tell her when you’re with the horse it’s never a good time to chat and she’ll have to find another time.

When she suggests her kids help train your horse, simply tell her if they want to learn to back a horse (or exercise the skills they supposedly already have), they should back their own horse. However, you have to ride this horse for the foreseeable future and you need it to be trained to your riding style, not theirs. This is why you are doing it yourself and have enlisted the help of a trainer that you trust.

It doesn’t seems like her beeping and waving bothers your horse. If that’s true, I’d let that one go. It’s good desensitizing, which you’re probably in the process of doing now anyway if the horse is 3. If the horse is bothered, tell your neighbor she’s spooking the horse and she needs to cut it out or she’s risking your safety. Asking her to cut that out doesn’t make you sound fearful, weak, or incompetent of training your horse. It makes you sound sane and wanting not to go to the ER.

You seem to care a little too much what this neighbor thinks and how she feels. Do remember, this is your NEIGHBOR. She doesn’t have to be your friend.

*As an aside: IMHO, a “recovering” fearful person/person with damaged confidence who is panicked by someone else watching how they train/ride doesn’t strike me as a prime candidate to be backing a 3 year old horse at home with only once-a-week supervision by a professional. Please be careful not to hurt yourself or ruin the horse.

[Rosie8888]

@SuzieQNutter

Just remember that you have someone who can help you if you do come off and can’t get up. I do not have that. It could be days before I am found.

I’d agree with you, but my family live on the property, it could be useful in that aspect if I didn’t have anyone close by though!

[Rosie8888]

@twixNnater

You said you don’t usually notice she’s watching, you are just paranoid now because she told you she’s there. I suggest, first and foremost, you continue to not be concerned if she’s watching or not and just go about your business. If she’s waving or trying to get your attention at the fence, just wave and keep going or shout that it’s not a good time for you and you’ll catch up later. (Then do or don’t actually catch up with her). If she keeps doing it all the time, just text her and tell her when you’re with the horse it’s never a good time to chat and she’ll have to find another time.

When she suggests her kids help train your horse, simply tell her if they want to learn to back a horse (or exercise the skills they supposedly already have), they should back their own horse. However, you have to ride this horse for the foreseeable future and you need it to be trained to your riding style, not theirs. This is why you are doing it yourself and have enlisted the help of a trainer that you trust.

It doesn’t seems like her beeping and waving bothers your horse. If that’s true, I’d let that one go. It’s good desensitizing, which you’re probably in the process of doing now anyway if the horse is 3. If the horse is bothered, tell your neighbor she’s spooking the horse and she needs to cut it out or she’s risking your safety. Asking her to cut that out doesn’t make you sound fearful, weak, or incompetent of training your horse. It makes you sound sane and wanting not to go to the ER.

You seem to care a little too much what this neighbor thinks and how she feels. Do remember, this is your NEIGHBOR. She doesn’t have to be your friend.

*As an aside: IMHO, a “recovering” fearful person/person with damaged confidence who is panicked by someone else watching how they train/ride doesn’t strike me as a prime candidate to be backing a 3 year old horse at home with only once-a-week supervision by a professional. Please be careful not to hurt yourself or ruin the horse.

Thank you. I would say I’m back to my old self or I wouldn’t be training him, I’m also not panicked by her I am annoyed. People I trust sometimes watch such as family and I have no issue with it. think I’m concerned how she feels as last year we were more friendly, and took it badly when I tried to distance myself after a few strange comments I.e. when my parents pass on (they are elderly) she could buy the land and me keep my horses on there as one of the conditions. Another being pestering to ride horses I was going to buy before I even bought them etc. However I still dont want to hurt her feelings because shes so keen to keep contact.

Yes her beeping her horn, it’s all part of the desensitising I agree, however it could have gone the other way, she doesn’t know the horse other than hes a youngster.

Yes, definitely your right, I need to train him in my riding style not theres, and have enlisted a professional to check our progress etc. thank you again,

[Rosie8888]

@Jealoushe

oh, I also have a trick for when people watch you ride. Sometimes this happens at my place, where someone shows up unannounced and comes into the arena and watches me ride. People that, I know are huge judgy pants and gossipers in the community. When this happens I just walk, park my horse in the corner and pretend we are looking out the window or just standing there relaxing. After about 5 minutes they get confused and bored and leave. LOL works every time.

That is a good one, thank you yes they are gossipy so it’s not something I want to encourage. People you trust are one thing!

[Rosie8888]

@SillyHorse

“Has he bucked you off yet?”

“Why in the world would you ask me that?” Turn, walk away and don’t wait for (or pay attention to) the answer.

Thank you, I just smiled and said I’m giving him no reason to, unfortunately these comments and such are the reason I dont like her being around

[Rosie8888]

@trubandloki

You can not really control what your neighbor does on their side of the fence or in the road. You can control how much you let it bother you.

I find it strange that anyone would ask their neighbor to not watch them ride. I hate an audience as much as any introvert does, but I have never considered telling people that they can not stand on their land and see what I am doing on my land.

If you do not want to talk to this person while you are riding it is fair to say just that. “Sorry Suzie, but I need to concentrate on what I am doing so I can’t converse while riding” and then stop talking to her. Do not respond to her questions.

I agree with the others on the neighbor asking if their kids can ride your horse thing. Just say no. “No, sorry”

She walks across our yard, on to the property to watch. I dont mind people watching that I trust who dont have ulterior motives such as waiting for my elderly parents to die so she can buy the land which is what she said in so many words, and pestering for her kids to ride green horses

[Rosie8888]

@SharonA

Maybe your neighbor thinks she is just being friendly. She seems to be coming from a much more casual approach to horses, so she may simply think that she is being neighborly. You already know that she misses the time you used to spend having coffee or whatever. If she’s leaning on the fence watching you ride, just wave and then say, “Okay, gotta concentrate now,” and ignore her until you’re done riding. When she asks if he’s bucked you off yet, I think she is just trying to find a point of entry for conversation. Just smile and say, “Not yet.” If she asks if her kids can ride, just say, “Oh, Susie, I gotta say that this is never gonna happen. I’m the only one who’s getting on this guy.” As far as the beeping, could she be doing you a favor? Free bomproofing. A horse, however green, should be able to tolerate a car beeping from a reasonable distance away; that is such a common noise for most horses.

I am not sure why anything this neighbor is doing is a big deal, compared with any of the other adult decisions/situations we face in our work, communities, relationships, etc. We can’t go around letting difficult situations put us off our stride, so to speak. Women in the workforce can’t just avoid or “ghost” co-workers who are frustrating or unattractive to be around. Communicating directly, even when face to face with another human, is not starting a fight. It is usually preventing one.

OP, you say that you “really don’t want to cause conflict or hurt anyone’s feelings.” Get over it. You’ve already caused conflict – with yourself, and hurt feelings – your own. Just be honest with your neighbor, keeping it short and simple and pleasant, with some compassion for the fact that your neighbor is probably alittle lonely, and you might need her someday.

Thanks for reply. I do have alot of compassion, that’s why I have put up with quite a lot already where most wouldn’t.

He is very calm with most things, including her beeping etc but the fact is she didn’t know this and it wasnt the most appropriate time to make a racket as I’m laying over him. I do think she could be lonely, however I have given her the benefit of the doubt many times and she often says inappropriate remarks, is very pushy etc.

I agree it should be kept as pleasant as possible, however I am usually too nice to save her feelings which is why I have this issue with her,

[Rosie8888]

@trubandloki

You can not really control what your neighbor does on their side of the fence or in the road. You can control how much you let it bother you.

I find it strange that anyone would ask their neighbor to not watch them ride. I hate an audience as much as any introvert does, but I have never considered telling people that they can not stand on their land and see what I am doing on my land.

If you do not want to talk to this person while you are riding it is fair to say just that. “Sorry Suzie, but I need to concentrate on what I am doing so I can’t converse while riding” and then stop talking to her. Do not respond to her questions.

I agree with the others on the neighbor asking if their kids can ride your horse thing. Just say no. “No, sorry”

It’s not her land. She crosses our yard and leans on the fence, I don’t mind people without other motives who dont make silly remarks watching at all, but yes all I can do is pleasantly repeat that I am busy

[Rosie8888]

@Equkelly

Did I ever stop what I was doing? No. But when I’m working with my horse I’m kind of in the zone and if people were commenting I probably wouldn’t have noticed. I remember people from my barn watching which I eventually didn’t care about. But if I’m in the middle of training, I’m not saying hello to people, I’m not waving, I’m not focusing on them at all and I think that sends the message of “I’m busy leave me alone.”

Im also pretty blunt with my opinions on training. I remember one time this lady was trying to get me go to some natural horsemanship clinic because she thought it might be helpful. I straight up just said “I don’t like natural horsemanship and don’t agree with those principles.” And that was that. Another time someone else was telling me about how I need to teach my mare to ground drive. I just said “I don’t like ground driving.” And then just the other day actually my horse spooked at a dog wearing a cone of shame and one lady was like “yOu NeEd tO MaKe HeR tOuCh iT!!” So I flat out said no, I don’t believe in that practice.

I guess I kind of figured out if people really want to throw their training opinions at me, I’ll just throw mine right back. It takes them by surprise too because people assume that they have this wonderful insight and they think it’s so great they’ll just share it with anyone who will listen. But if you make it clear that, you don’t think their insight is as wonderful as they do, it kind of knocks them off their high horse because they expect you to just be nice and listen and not fire back with opinions they didn’t want to hear either.

Just be confident and let your abilities speak for themselves. If she wants to stand over the fence, don’t let it get in your head. If things are going well with your baby and your getting help from a trainer whose opinion you actually respect, you have no reason to be insecure.

Yes your right. On the up side atleast she has seen for herself things are going well and yes actually, it would be much better to completely ignore it as my focus should be to remain on the horse! Thanks, good advice

[Rosie8888]

@Equkelly

Did I ever stop what I was doing? No. But when I’m working with my horse I’m kind of in the zone and if people were commenting I probably wouldn’t have noticed. I remember people from my barn watching which I eventually didn’t care about. But if I’m in the middle of training, I’m not saying hello to people, I’m not waving, I’m not focusing on them at all and I think that sends the message of “I’m busy leave me alone.”

Im also pretty blunt with my opinions on training. I remember one time this lady was trying to get me go to some natural horsemanship clinic because she thought it might be helpful. I straight up just said “I don’t like natural horsemanship and don’t agree with those principles.” And that was that. Another time someone else was telling me about how I need to teach my mare to ground drive. I just said “I don’t like ground driving.” And then just the other day actually my horse spooked at a dog wearing a cone of shame and one lady was like “yOu NeEd tO MaKe HeR tOuCh iT!!” So I flat out said no, I don’t believe in that practice.

I guess I kind of figured out if people really want to throw their training opinions at me, I’ll just throw mine right back. It takes them by surprise too because people assume that they have this wonderful insight and they think it’s so great they’ll just share it with anyone who will listen. But if you make it clear that, you don’t think their insight is as wonderful as they do, it kind of knocks them off their high horse because they expect you to just be nice and listen and not fire back with opinions they didn’t want to hear either.

Just be confident and let your abilities speak for themselves. If she wants to stand over the fence, don’t let it get in your head. If things are going well with your baby and your getting help from a trainer whose opinion you actually respect, you have no reason to be insecure.

Yes your right. On the up side atleast she has seen for herself things are going well and yes actually, it would be much better to completely ignore it as my focus should be to remain on the horse! Thanks, good advice

[Rosie8888]

@trubandloki

Great post @SharonA .

That was my first thought when I read the OP, that this neighbor was just being friendly.

That’s what I used to think

[Rosie8888]

@Equkelly

I wouldn’t get too bothered over questions like this. A lot of people who don’t know anything about colt starting just assume the backing process means there will be fireworks when realistically, if you’re doing things right, there usually won’t be. But people just assume the young horse will buck and rear until the rider “wins” and the horse gives in and submits. That’s just not how colt starting works. At least not if you know what you’re doing.

My friends would also make similar comments when I was starting my mare. “Please tell us when you back her for the first time so we can watch the rodeo!” They were mostly teasing but they just didn’t know any better. I think it’s the same deal here. You can’t let stuff like that get to you.

Yes! Well said. My thinking exactly. If your doing things right there isn’t usually any rodeo. She could just not know any better to be fair and expect that to happen. Atleast she has witnessed how well hes come along and might start to realise soon that input like that isn’t needed. Thanks

[511]

@Rosie8888

That’s what I used to think

You train people how to treat you…
It might be time to advance from snaffle(being nice an polite) to curb standing your ground and stating formally what is not acceptable.
The whip and spur can be found on the other neighbor threads there have only been one or two of those in the past 19 years I have been here. (sarcasm about the number of threads but do a search and you may save time and get good advice)

[MsM]

I would keep my communication with her simple. No, your kids are not going to ride my horse - I bought him for me to ride! The fewer reasons you give, the less she has to argue or pick apart. I wouldn’t bring it up to her, just be prepared if she starts asking or hinting again. No I am not allowing your kids to ride my horse. (Perhaps add thanks for offering “help”)
As far as watching, my first inclination is to just ignore. I tend to do that anyway when I am riding. Anything that will keep her away from your fence or block her view will be pretty obvious, so make sure that it is important enough to you to make it obvious to her that you are blocking her out. But it is important that you are consistent in not engaging with her while riding.

[shiloh]

Or you could do what a former trainer I used to work did. She planted a huge hedge of fast-growing roses around her arena. They hit over 15 ft tall pretty quickly and you needed a plane to fly over to see what she was up to. Kept all the nosey neighbors away and looked pretty.

Just think Penguins of Madagascar: “Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.”

[SharonA]

Okay, just to play Devil’s Advocate, because it kind of sounds like what you want is for people to agree with you that your neighbor is awful, when it sounds to me like she is just trying to be friendly and engage with you about horses, and just is awkward in her social skills and has different boundaries than you do.

You say, “I do have alot of compassion, that’s why I have put up with quite a lot already where most wouldn’t.” Yet, you are judging of her way of horsekeeping and her general horse knowledge on a public forum, and you are saying that you have put up with her at the same time as you’re asking how not to put up with her. You used to socialize with her and now you avoid her. When she asked if her kids could ride, you said, “Maybe in the future” and now you’re mad because she thinks her kids might be able to ride your horses in the future. How would we define “alot” of compassion?

You say your horse is very calm, but yet you blame her for “making a racket.” Aforesaid racket appears to have upset you, but did not upset your horse, if I understand correctly. We should welcome opportunities to learn how our horses will react to loud unexpected noises. Then car horns/alarms won’t be an issue when we’re at a show or on a trail ride and someone beeps a horn or a tractor drops something with a loud clatter or whatever.

You say you are “usually too nice to save her feelings which is why I have this issue with her.” In what way are you too nice, exactly? You have defriended her without telling her why, you judge her level of horsemanship (you may have a point, but so what), and you blame her for a situation that involves two adults. Now, to be clear, none of us on COTH think you have to be nice. Niceness is just one way of smoothing how we all get along on a crowded planet. But either accept that being nice sometimes means cramping your own style and letting her hang on your rail while you ride without you getting fussed about it, or stop identifying as being nice and just be blunt and tell her you need space (as in, “Neighbor, I need space. Could you please stay away while I am training this horse?”) and get it over with.