You’re not alone. For me, I think it’s a not knowing what to expect thing. I never know who will be there, whether my horse is in or out, whether the farrier is going to be in the aisle, if the arena will be busy, etc. I have no beef with anyone at my barn, so I don’t know why these things concern me, and like you I’m fine once I get there. It’s very weird.
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Someone mentioned the barn being “one more thing you have to do” and that is something I face. Because I literally MUST go every morning and every evening, 7 days a week, 365 days a year…it does fall into this category for me. Most of the time I’m grateful for this “chore” because on days when I might not want to leave the house (or the bed…really bad days), I do it because the horses need to be fed.
On the other hand, it does change something I want to do into something I have to do, which can definitely suck a little of the enjoyment out of it. And like many, after working all day, I usually have just enough energy to go out and feed, pick through some stalls, maybe run a brush over my gelding and leave. In the morning I’m rushing not to be late for work. So…yeah. I love seeing the horses at the beginning and end of my day and truly do feel weird if the girl who owns the mares I care for comes home and offers to feed (which I do happily accept for a break). It’s like I don’t know what to do with myself if I don’t feed horses AM and PM. I always fed at barns where I boarded as a teen and young adult (either swapping out for board or on the payroll), then had my own barn for 20 years. I had him in full board for a couple of years, but that didn’t work out so well for either of us. So, back to self-care and looking after two others. It’s exhausting at times and I wish I could sleep in a little longer before getting ready for work, or that I didn’t have to go out in the freezing cold (don’t even get me started on the snow/ice we had this winter…we’re not used to it and I despised it) or the rain or the blistering heat.
Heck, I need to get my clothes changed and go out there right now to feed. But work was exhausting (Spring Break is late this year and the students have gone bonkers) and I just need to sit and…complain on the internet, apparently. LOL.
*Sigh. Off to feed the horses. I’ll be happy to see them.
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You have all added to my understanding of what I am experiencing. I appreciate the support more than you all will ever know.
Sheilah
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This has been such an insightful thread.
An interesting thing for very visual overthinkers, there was a study done where for these kinds of people, thinking through the activity gives you the same hormone release as actually doing it. That study was in regards to exercise, but once I read it I understood so much more about myself and how I experience things. Often I will have “completed” the thing in my head multiple times, and then actually having to do the thing is daunting and exhausting.
Also, I think for me, personally, the 35 minute drive is a very big obstacle.
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This is well said.
When I was younger I wanted to own my own farm but the older I get the less I want to and this is one of BIG reasons. I go every day almost all the time but about once every other month or so, I text my friend and ask to not go (I help work with her horses so I ask to make sure she didn’t have a plan or something urgent - she’s always fine with me staying home one day).
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Funny how different people can be! I would love to have land to keep our retirees at home. There’s three of them, and I would love to have them all in one place so I would have to get my ass out to the barn without having to drive about half an hour to take care of them. I so miss that!
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This is me too, except it’s usually drive home I don’t want to face.
The horse thing in recent years has been tough for me. Between my senior’s health and my wobbler’s degeneration, and then a complicated lease horse, I haven’t been able to just go and ride. I had a couple of weeks recently where the lease horse was going well, and I realized I was missing that time when I could go get my horse, groom, tack and ride without any ongoing issues.
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I go through phases of this. Some days, contemplating the hour round trip to the barn is more than I can handle. Luckily, I’m on full board so that if I don’t get there it’s not a big deal.
It’s helped me to remember that, no matter how much I love my horses, this is my hobby. It’s al there to make me happy/keep me sane. I own my horses, and I’ve found a trainer that respects my mental state - if I’m not ready to tackle The Next Thing, she’s ok with that.
Our horses need to have food and a reasonable amount of exercise (either turnout or work). Anything else is for us. If it’s not bringing joy, what’s the point?
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The anxiety is trying to protect you from something. Figure out what it’s trying to keep you from doing (physical harm, heartache, being angry, financial risk, emotional risk, etc) and then articulate whether that is valid, or whether it’s stronger than your desire to go to the barn/your liking your barn identity.
Then you’ll be better able to either disband the anxiety with rational intentional thought. Ie, “Thank you very much, but I don’t expect to get hurt/yelled at/embarrassed, etc today.” Or, “I really like being a barn person, so the anxiety will have to take a back seat and I’ll deal with it when I’m done enjoying the barn.”
Or, you can tuck the anxiety back in its place, ie, “Thank you, now I’m putting the anxiety in a tupperware container and leaving it in my mudroom.” If visualization works, you can imagine sequentially 1) writing a brief (two or three words") description of the anxiety down on a piece of paper then picture throwing the paper in the river and letting it float on its way."
You have to repetitively practice these techniques, just like building up any other muscle. Your brain has to unlearn the anxiety, just like a horse has to unlearn a remembered pain reflex, once it gets its tack fixed or gets lameness solved.
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I went to the barn yesterday and it was relatively easy. I brought a friend with me and I put his grain together for the next week and then gave him cookies and I thought, shoot, might as well start to groom while I am here.
I was peaceful and happy. There were moments that I needed to take a step back and then move forward. I ended up sitting in the viewing hut for a while, enjoying the nice weather and watching the horses in turn out. It was lovely.
Sheilah
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