jingles needed and a major boost of confidence!- UPDATE PG 4, post #61

[anmoro]

Hey everyone-

I was hoping for some advice and words of encouragement. I decided to post here in eventing because I have found you all to be so wonderful! Kind, friendly, inspiring and not quite as harsh as the H/J group. (as a side note, my apologies for all major spelling and punctuation errors in advance. I am typing with only my left hand and I am a righty).

Here is my story: On July 4th, we were having an awesome day riding at the barn. I rode my friend’s mare and my lovely OTTB gelding. I could not have asked for better rides. Afterwards, I went to turn my guy out and that is when things went disastrously wrong. Everything happened so fast so bear with me for the lack of details.

We paused by the gate and that is when it happened. My best recollection is as follow: This one other lovely gelding reached his head over the gate of his field. What I think happened is that he made a nasty face as if he were going to bite my guy and my guy freaked. My horse backed up and we think may have backed into a corner and felt trapped or bumped his hindquarters on an electric fence. He went forward, knocking me down and I was underneath him. I remember seeing all four legs around him and thinking “oh $h&t, this can’t be good”. I remember thinking I have to et out of the way. The rest was a blur. Next thing I know my horse took off galloping down the alley way. I tried to move my face from the dirt and immediately screamed. I had no feeling in my right arm and couldn’t move. My amazing barn family came running to find me laying in the dirt, my hand/arm mangled and a lot of blood. Once they established my head, neck and spine were intact, a nurse and ER tech (with assistance), rolled me over to determine the severity of my injuries. I had pain in my left leg and left hip as well. My right shoulder was dislocated and my arm twisted inside out. I was rushed to the ER via rescue. I told the paramedics and ER staff I must have fallen pretty hard because I had no recollection of being stepped on. Once they cut off my breeches they noticed a large hematoma on my left inner thigh with a hoof print snd laceration as well. My outer hip also had a hoof print bruise. My arm was twisted inside out with what was believed to be an open fracture in the hand. After x-rays and stabilization they were able to turn my hand right side up and noticed the intense swelling. I was admitted for fractures, crush injury and compartment syndrome and scheduled for surgery the next day. They placed pins in my hand from fingertips to wrist. I was in the hospital for 4 days.

It has been several weeks since the incident and I have been in intensive hand therapy. I can’t begin to explain the intense pain I still experience. So far things aren’t looking all that positive. I’m out of work til at least mid-August. I have nerve damage, tendon and ligament damage from hand through shoulder. At this point, they think I will not regain full use of my hand.

It is so hard to stay positive when rehab is going so slow. Mentally, I’m a mess. I miss my horse and can’t see him for several more weeks and I won’t be allowed to handle any horses for at least 4-6 months.

Where I need the words of encouragement, I’m somewhat afraid to go back out there. My horse did not mean to trample me, and in fact he could have easily killed me but tried very hard to avoid me. I am intimidated by horses in general. I’m timid and nervous. Actually, I’m scared. Now I can admit that I’m scared. I finally realized it when I was sitting in hand therapy, rehashing the story and completely broke down in tears. I’ve ridden my entire life (my folks did as well) and I don’t want to give it up.

I would love words of encouragement for not feeling so down and moreso for not being scared and feeling like a wimp. Wow, this is the first time I have been able to share the story without breaking down sobbing. Sorry for the novel but I just feel like COTH is such a wonderful group of people.

[IFG]

You poor thing! Keep in mind that you were injured less than a month ago. You have barely begun to rehab. Trust me, it takes a while. I broke my foot last November, and it still is not quite as strong as it was pre-break.

You will regain confidence bit by bit. The first item of business is to get rehabbed, then worry about the horses. When you get hurt that way, it is difficult to imagine how to prevent a recurrence. Everybody is different, but for me, it helps to figure out what went wrong and how to avoid a recurrence. Years ago, I went to the pasture to get my horse, and his buddy galloped by between us (I am convinced intentionally) and kicked me in the chest. I was lucky, all I had was bruising. From then on, before I went into that pasture to get my horse, I would be prepared with either a lunge whip or a shank to chase the buddy away. I had thought it cute when my horse’s friend would grab him by the halter and try to lead him away when I came to get him. I never found it cute again. For me, planning how to avoid a recurrence helped me to deal with my fear. You will need to see what works best for you. Major jingles for successful rehab and much bravery!

[CindyCRNA]

My Lord have mercy! I am a nurse anesthetist so I understand the scope of your injuries. How is your shoulder? For some reason, in reading this, I was assuming a shoulder injury also. I can understand your fear and unfortunately, I don’t know what to say. You have a long road ahead in the hand department. So much of what we do as riders is fine tuning hand movements. Why can’t you “see” your horse? You can be with him even if you can’t ride. You don’t have to give up riding but it may be just pleasure riding. Take it slow. I’m so sorry for this injury but more importantly, the severe blow to your confidence around horses.

[Noctis]

Sending good thoughts and jingles for quick(er) healing and headspace. Hand are hard. I had a fully displaced through the skin fracture of the radius and ulna, shattered carpals and metacarpals, tore everything to my fingers just about. 15 surgeries later it all works again. Mine was baseball related. Its a long road but doing it right the FIRST time and not reinjuring while it heals is key. I wasn’t as patient as I should’ve been, and pushed it more than a few times, resulting in some extra surgeries, which only set things back farther. But they do heal, and they can heal very well. My surgeon here in TN actually has a daughter who events so he understood a little bit more where I came from and needed to get back to. hugs May your healing keep going, and the bravery comes back, slowly but surely.

[cllane1]

Definitely sending healing thoughts your way! Four weeks ago I came off my young horse and broke my collarbone in three places, requiring surgery. He also stepped on my leg after I fell, but luckily didn’t break it, just soft tissue injury–it was huge for about 10 days, and when I had my collarbone surgery the docs and nurses kept asking if they needed to look at my leg too.

I’m not sure what caused the bucking spurt that got me off, but I figure it was one of two things: 1. we were trying a new dressage saddle that seemed to fit well on his back, but could have pinched him, or 2. he got stung by something. Bucking is extremely out of character for this horse: as my trainer says, his favorite gaits are walk and halt!

I’ve got two weeks to go before I can get back to riding, and while in a way I’m chomping at the bit to get back on, part of me is anxious about it. I think when something so out of the blue happens, there’s always some fear of what if it happens again, what if I get hurt again, etc. It’s the unpredictability that gets us.

Take your time and heal, and do as much with your horse as you are comfortable with. If you don’t want to see him right away, that’s fine. Maybe your trainer or a friend could work him while you’re laid up and you could watch the sessions, groom him, give him treats, but generally let them handle him.

You also might consider asking your doctor to recommend a light antidepressant or anti-anxiety med for times when you’re feeling a bit bleak about things. Sure, rehab is going to be hard, but you shouldn’t be feeling completely hopeless.

Best of luck with your physical therapy and healing!

[asterix]

I think it’s a huge step forward that you can talk about it and begin to process the stew of emotions connected to it. I’m glad COTH is a safe place for that. I don’t know what path your rehab will take or how you will feel about your horse - or horses- as it unfolds.
But try to listen to what your heart wants, and not to what you think it should want. Maybe horses will be your healing. Maybe you will need to walk away for a time, even a long time.
Anyone who has loved horses will eventually be hurt by them, often unintentionally. The community here will understand the conflicts and challenges you are going through - use us!!
Good luck and please keep us posted.

[Laurierace]

Time heals all wounds both physical and mental. Don’t place any time frame on healing your body or your mind, just take it as it comes. It will come. Jingles.

[ridingagain]

Oh, Anmoro, I am so very sorry to hear about your horrific accident. We were just communicating about how we were both going over to the “dark side” a month ago and how excited we were about it. I think every time I have gotten injured on or off a horse, I have gone through some confidence issues. It seems to me that the worse the injury, the longer it takes to recover mentally and physically from it. Your anxiety is a very reasonable response and it is your body’s natural self - preservation instincts kicking in. Listen to it and go as slowly as you need to in order to heal your mind and body.

Lots of hugs and jingles for a full recovery!!!

[IronwoodFarm]

I am so sorry to learn about this accident. As others have said, please don’t beat yourself up about your feelings. It is perfectly reasonable to be scared. You have been badly hurt and your survival instinct is kicking in. Just take it one day at a time.

And if you want to try something different, shoot me a PM. I will be happy to give you a free driving lesson at my place if you want. All you have to do is sit in the carriage with me and watch (but you can hold the lines if you want, and BTW, one-handed driving is common.) Besides, Fjords are super cute and fun to be around.

[Tuesday_s_Child]

[QUOTE=asterix;7094302]

But try to listen to what your heart wants, and not to what you think it should want.[/QUOTE]

Ditto this, a thousand times. Take your time and be patient with yourself. Unexpected horse-related injuries are the worst, because there is little you can do to predict/prevent situations like that. Treat yourself like a young greenie that’s maybe had a bad experience - go slow, baby steps, repeat things over and over until you’re so bored that you WANT to move to something more challenging (and I don’t even mean riding - just little things like going to see your horse from over the fence, then maybe going into his field, feeding a treat, etc.)

Big jingles for your recovery. Your injuries sound extensive, but remember you haven’t been rehabbing very long yet, so time will tell. Let yourself heal and please don’t feel bad for being scared! I think it’s safe to say we have all (or will all) be there at least once in our riding careers. :o

[Auburn]

Jingles and prayers from KY, for healing for your body and spirit.

Someone else told you that time will help you heal mentally and physically. When I had a horse flip over on me and got a T-12 compression fracture of my back, I had to learn how to walk with a walker. I wanted to ride again, as soon as I was allowed (which ended up being 4 months, instead of the 6 that I was originally told it would be.) I rode in my body/back brace for 2 more months. I spent a month just walking on my horse. Even though my mare was not the horse that had injured me, I still was hesitant. It took time to work through the feelings.

As soon as you are able, have someone drive you out to the barn so that you can start to spend some time with your horse. Pull up a chair near his stall. Just take some time to be with him. You may drive up to the barn and start to feel panic. Take some slow breaths and ask yourself, “What is the worst thing that can happen to me, while sitting in a car at the barn?” If you do not feel comfortable getting out, then just sit there. Take baby steps. Eventually, you will be able to just sit quietly beside your horse, until you feel calm. Remember, he was reacting, not trying to hurt you. When horses are afraid and in flight mode, they do not even see you. Their “focus” is on getting away from what frightened them.

Good luck with your rehab. Jingles that you and your horse will re-connect. :yes: Remember: time and baby steps.

[flea]

Take your time. You don’t say how old you are but riding is a lifelong sport. Your injuries sound extensive so let yourself heal completely! I am not a particularly timid rider but after injuries or just time off for life reasons, it takes a while to regain confidence. Even hauling made me apprehensive at one point after a lengthy time off. Be patient with yourself when you ride again do what’s comfortable until its boring then move to the next level. As I said. , take your time. I am 62 and climbing back up to Novice (Training ever?) eventing so look at the long range view.

[bornfreenowexpensive]

ugh. I’ll echo what others have said…it takes time. You are scared…and that is ok. right now you need to heal first. You do not have to give up horses and riding but it is going to take work and time for you to enjoy it. My first serious injury was also from being trampled–but I had been riding and was bucked off and run over. My injuries were not as severe as yours–I had broken ribs and collapsed lung, coughing up blood. But I too had to over come butterflys and nerves when I started riding again. It took me more than a year of riding until I wasn’t having to purposely make those butterflies fly in formation. And I wasn’t a nervous or timid rider to begin with. You may always have to be working on this…but it is possible to do and is possible to still enjoy horses.

Do not get frustrated with your self…and take the time you need. Break things down in steps. Reintroduce yourself to handling your horse and don’t put your self in to situations that make you nervous. It is ok to ask for help.

[La_Chasse]

Wow, super scary injuries. My heart goes out to you.
As others have mentioned, I too have a laundry list of mild, moderate and severe injuries sustained from riding and/or being around horses. I still have fear issues b/c of a few head injuries so completely understand being afraid. Give yourself time…time to heal, time to be ok with your injuries, time to go to the barn and just sit there, petting a pony on the nose. I feel that the quiet moments we have with horses can sometimes be the most is insightful ones. You will need to be around your horse again–not obv handling him right now–but so that you can heal the part that’s scared, in a safe, healthy way.
I wish you a speedy recovery.

[twistoffate]

23 yrs ago I had a nasty spill from my horse. I am not supposed to have my arm let alone use it. My one regret, I never saw my horse again. He was sold before I was ready to go back to the barn. Granted, I was 10 at the time and didn’t have the insight I have now and it was out of my hands but I do regret not finding “closure” with him. He didn’t mean to do it. It was a freak thing… So I def recommend spending time with your horse even if its just talking to him. It will help you mentally.
As an occupational therapist, find the best one you can and do your homework! It will take lots of time to heal. I spent a year in therapy after mine and made progress for several more years following my injuries. Nerve injuries are very slow to heal.
It took over a year for me to get back on a horse. And when I asked to get back on my mom was scared to let me. One of my surgeons told her to never handicap me and to put me back on a horse. She said I curled up in the fetal position and was terrified. I do not remember that. I just know I eventually got over the mental injuries. I still have some physical deficits but I’ve learned to compensate for them.
Jingles for a speedy recovery for you. Mentally and physically! Hugs!

[right_horse_at_the_right_time]

I’m so sorry about your injury and the incident!

I haven’t had anything anywhere near as serious happen. Last summer I took a little ambulance ride after horse and I were crashed into by a runaway ginormous horse. It was scary to see horseshoes above my head, and I thought the worst. I was very lucky.

I have a decent amount of fear, and it impacted my riding greatly. Another COTH poster gave me some excellent advice, and it changed my riding forever.

You may not be ready for it, but I hope to be able to share it with you, and perhaps at some point it will be helpful for you. It is about fear, and apparently it has helped more than a few of us. The original helpful email is a few posts down in the thread. Bornfreenowexpensive might also be able to describe what I am talking about as I see that she made her butterflies fly in formation.

http://www.chronofhorse.com/forum/showthread.php?406716-I-put-muzzle-on-the-Fear-Bird!-Using-guided-imagery-to-improve-my-riding

I wish you a healthy recovery…I spent a lot of time just hanging out with my horse while I was (very minimally) hurt…our bond grew in a different way just being with him on the ground.

Best wishes!

[wildlifer]

Hugs! Definitely be kind and patient with yourself and only do what you are ready for. It was not your horse’s fault, as you said, but it’s perfectly ok to be afraid. When I have been injured by blows from horses, I am absolutely nervous for a while. I still won’t get on bolters because of an accident over 25 years ago, I know my boundaries!

Talking about it is good. Be open with yourself and others you trust. I think most horse people have been there in some sense or another. And hey, you can totally ride with one hand! Two is just excessive!

Healing also takes time. A lot of time. Especially with nerves, they are slow to grow. I had knee surgery last Nov and was lucky enough to end up with an AWESOME PT. He said any time they go into a joint, even for a routine repair, it takes about a year for things to recover. I’m about 8 months post-surgery now and I’d say I’m about as good as it’s going to get (cartilage hole on tibia, can’t fix) but it works, so he was pretty close, but I did ask him to push me because I had riding to do, heh.

Since you had extensive surgery in a nerve-heavy area, it is going to be a long journey, but not a neverending one. My BFF’s son recently had his finger nearly ripped off by a moray eel, requiring two surgeries and also has permanent nerve and tendon damage. But he is making progress. He is not predicted to be back to 100%, but hey, I haven’t been 100% since I was about 20 and he hasn’t either, so what is 100% anyway?

My best encouragement for you is to find a good PT that you work well with, because you are going to be seeing a lot of them!! I fired my first one and went to a different practice that was amazing. It made all the difference in the world to work with the best. A great PT can take you farther than you ever thought you would get. Don’t be afraid to be your own advocate, it’s YOUR future.

Pain is tough. Really really tough. I know that pain where you can only pant and when they ask you “1 to 10,” it’s about 27. You are probably even higher, poor thing! My life mantra is that nothing lasts forever and that got me through, one breath at a time.

Support is always here, even among the snarkiness, and I have always been amazed at the kindness of strangers in times of need. Compassion is widespread in horseland and eventers are the best group of folks I have ever known.

[Sannois]

Oh my Lord! That was terrifying just reading it.
thank the lord it was not your head. You poor thing. You have to stay positive and like others said work on getting healed.
I do think you should have someone drive you out to the barn to see your boy.
You can have your barn friends bring him to you and you can sit and hand graze him with a friend, feed him carrots, brush him with your good hand.
It will be good therapy for you and to keep the relationship going.
Of course it was not him trying to hurt you, You were in the wrong place when everything went south.
I am sending major jingles and healing prayers for you. Do not be discouraged, the reason you do not remember being trampled is the brain is amazing, something that traumatic the brain shuts down, you do not need to remember that. Adrenaline!
Just try and stay positive and take care of yourself. You will heal.
But go see your horse, it will be good to start mending emotionally as well.
(((HUGS))))

[petesperson]

What a horrific accident! Everyone else has made great points. The only thing I’ll add is that your fear is appropriate, given that you’re in so much pain and have so much healing to do. Think of it as your brain’s way of ensuring you give your hand the time it needs to recover. I broke both the bones in my lower leg a year and a half ago when my mare stepped on it (stupid accident), and I was scared for a long time. I would go to see her but had to be careful. My balance was off, and at one point she knocked me over when she spooked while I was grooming her. (Fortunately, she didn’t step on me again, LOL.) It took me 5 surgeries and a long time to get better, and the few times I got on her before I was all healed were scary, and I just kept my expectations low. Now that I am finally healed, I’ve started riding again and feel MUCH braver, but I still have to be careful when I dismount not to land on my bad leg. One thing that gave me comfort during my recovery was learning about the para-equestrians. They are super inspirational. The other thing that gave me comfort was seeing my horse. As my comfort and balance improved, I started doing a lot of groundwork with her (which I hadn’t done before the injury), and it did wonders for our relationship. If you can get your expectations down to a modest level - and try not to think about long term stuff like whether you’ll have full use of the hand or whether you’ll ride at the same level you were riding - and if you can take pleasure in the small improvements you make, you will be able to cope. But pain is tough. Just enduring it is an accomplishment! Hang in there!

[pharmgirl]

Wow! Very scary! I can’t even imagine…
I don’t have a lot to add, as there has already been lots of great advice given here. I can just add my own experience and see if it helps you in any way.

I had an accident several years ago at turn out. Not nearly as bad as yours, but one that still required a trip to Shock Trauma b/c my regular ortho didn’t think he could put me back together again (dislocated my elbow and broke it in many places). It was also while turning out my normally super calm horse. Another horse was at the gate and didn’t want to get out of the way as I opened the gate to let mine out. Mine stepped on the edge of my shoe but slowly kept going through the gate. I was stuck, and as I tried to get him off my foot as we went through the gate, the next think I feel is getting knocked down from behind onto the ground, with my elbow taking all of the force (on rocky frozen ground in Feb). I briefly freaked, thinking I was going to get trampled but luckily for me I didn’t. My horse was then just standing next to me with his nose down with a look that said “why are you on the ground, Mom?”. He let me use his head with his halter and lead to help get myself up one armed and then I got his halter off and left the field to call my husband to take me to the hospital.

I was very lucky that I didn’t get trampled and that the surgeon at Shock Trauma put me back together again. But, I definitely had some fear issues with leading my horse, especially through gates. So, what I did when I first started coming back was to first just hang out when someone else got him, groomed him and rode him. I just gradually started doing a little more around him, and enlisted help/support whenever I felt nervous (I got a lacrosse elbow pad to to help protect it, and coordinated with others at first whenever I was going to lead my horse myself through the gates). I still am very aware when leading through gates and such, but at least that nervousness is gone.

I’ve also broken my shoulder pretty bad, and with both injuries I remember how depressed I could get. Just remember, it’s only been a few weeks and that really is a short period of time given what has happened to you! It took me years to sleep comfortably after my shoulder (same thing happened to my husband after he had shoulder surgery), and my elbow is still often cranky when I wake up in the morning. Don’t be afraid to acknowledge your feelings, but try not to let them consume you either. I just really took one day at a time, and got more back than they ever expected with my elbow (I was told they’ve never seen someone with injuries as bad as mine recover as well). So just remember to do what you can each day but don’t try too hard to do what you think you “should” do.