Lack of confidence and fear making me contemplate quitting riding - Advice?

[Gardenhorse]

I think talking to a sports psychologist could be helpful. The first time I got bucked off after returning to riding after a 15 year break, I lost a lot of confidence. I found the book, “Riding Fear Free” to be useful.

But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with deciding these aren’t the horses for you right now. I guess one question is whether they are young - is there a chance they’ll grow out of the silliness and settle down? If so, maybe instead of deciding to sell them now, you could lease them out for a couple of years while you ride something steadier?

[IPEsq]

I recently owned a horse that killed my confidence. I didn’t get hurt. But he tested me on a regular basis and I started having some PTSD like reactions. At a certain age for us, all the rearing, bucking, and other shenanigans can just add up. The more tense and defensive I got, the worse he was. He had a lot of things to complain about. But exercise was really the best way to try to address most of that.

I went shopping for a new horse to break the pattern so I could ride him better. 2+ years into my search, I bought the right one. Shortly thereafter, first horse died. Over a year later, I’m feeling more normal. And I can ride other horses that are fresh and new to me. New horse isn’t perfect but he is perfect for helping me through this issue. Although first show I took him to, to do very baby level classes, he got looky and nervous going to the ring. I started to freak out. Same area, previous horse had been known to do lots of airs above the ground. I had hired a personal groom, and I said, I am having a ptsd moment and want to freeze and get off, can you please lead me down to the ring?

This horse has bucked only if I’ve popped him pretty good with a whip. We are getting better at hacking out. When he thinks he might get nervous and spin, I don’t get off and/or turn around. And once recently he did spin but then went one step and stopped.

I know I can ride through a LOT. But it makes me kind of break down to do so given my experiences.

Don’t blame yourself for having these reactions. They are instinctual. But maybe showing isn’t in your immediate future and show horses are not what you need. You need the right horse who can remind you that you really can be mostly the rider you remember yourself to be. I say mostly because age is something you can’t undo that will affect your confidence.

If you did feel safe and happy and I afraid to ride, you would ride well. And at the 2’6-3’ it really doesn’t take a world beater WB to do well if you ride well. Maybe leasing or buying something a little more sensible and farther along but less flashy (unless flashy is also in your budget) is what you need, and another rider would get great enjoyment out of your current horses.

My other horse was not sellable. So you could also maybe look for a lease to ride for confidence and turn your other horses over to the trainer or lease them out until you truly start to feel more like yourself and less on the edge between competent and too scared to do anything.

[findeight]

The type horse that was perfect for us at 22 is not so perfect a decade or two or more later. Its a reality in any sport, you just cant do the same things physically or mentally at all stages of life.

But we can do other things better. Mainly we can think more and listen to what our body and brain are trying to tell us. You can talk to a professional but they are probably going to direct your thinking into realizing you have every reason to be anxious and fearful after some bad and painful falls and help you stop beating yourself up over getting hurt more then once the same way and not wanting to get hurt again. You are adding more stress to having horses by trying to rationalize and make excuses for just not wanting another repeat. BTDT.

Dont know about you but as I got older, if a horse really hurt me more then once, we were done. Having had and sold a good number of horses over the years, learned its usually best for both of us to “ break up” and move on. Horse to where it can delight a new person who is happy to be on them, not apprehensive about even getting on. They can sense that. Best for me to go to another horse better suited to my current strengths and reflex/reaction speeds, not those of years past or even last year. Sometimes best for me to step away briefly and reset goals.

There is nothing worse then dreading getting on or even going to the barn. Its not a feeling you need to suck up, kick on and keep going with as a fun hobby and break from career, family and dealing with advancing age changes. Not to mention being stupid expensive if you aren’t enjoying it.

Sooo…what to do? Is there a possibility you could lease one or both for the upcoming season and just step back for a bit? That will buy you time to think about options. Those options might include selling both, deciding if you really do like and regain trust in one more then the other or keeping both. Dont see any need to decide to quit horses immediately if you can find a way to just step away for a bit. Theres many other challenging disciplines that dont jump once you are ready to come back.

Oh, dont let others try to guilt you into anything. You are too old and experienced for that and you know you and your situation far better then internet strangers, even those who have been thru what you are now feeling. Just take a deep breath and think carefully about whars going to work best for you.

[Foitin]

Just wanted to post again to say that this past weekend I fell off on the first day of a horse show (the last jump of a nice course!). I spent the rest of the show freaking out and dreading to get back on. I did get back on and on the videos I can see how tentative I was, pulling and always going for the deep/chippy one rather than riding up. The problem I see is that the only way to get over the fear is to ride as though you’re not afraid: with good pace, trusting your rhythm, not being afraid to ride to the slightly long one. Easier said than done! All this to say, sometimes it is tough to be brave, we adults have to stick together!

[mika0116]

Topic hijack - would you mind if I PM’d you about this same predicament. I took about a year off riding this year and was getting comfortable at .90cm - 1.0m with my old lease, I like a hot forward horse, but I am also really missing dressage, which I rode exclusively as a junior. My heart horse was my lease prior to my most recent guy - a brave solid mare that had scope and could take a joke, but also sensitive and dragged me to jumps (my favorite).

I wish I could clone her & do dressage and showjumping with the clone as I feel like the time off and the occasional stop in my most recent lease horse shot down my confidence. I feel like a wimp because I want to return to dressage - do I really miss the discipline or am I scared?

[mmeqcenter]

Not at all!

[mika0116]

Hah, sign me up for these horses, I don’t think my butt has ever been graced with these unicorns!

I spent a lot of time boosting my ego by riding ‘challenging’ horses as an adult ammy, some of which I rode quite well, but they often did not do wonders for my confidence. I still like a drag me to the fences, forward ride, but give me something that doesn’t object to an occasional slight miss at 3’, which two of my last leases did despite having scope for 1.20+. Both were former pro-rides. My heart horse, would adjust for the miss, give me a tiny crow hop on the backside with mare-tastic tail swish & be off hunting for the next fence.

[Risuena]

@Foitin

The problem I see is that the only way to get over the fear is to ride as though you’re not afraid: with good pace, trusting your rhythm, not being afraid to ride to the slightly long one. Easier said than done! All this to say, sometimes it is tough to be brave, we adults have to stick together!

1. True if the only problem is anxiety, and otherwise the rider has the skills needed for that particular horse and what they’re being asked to do

2. Can I print this out and tape it to my mirror? Or the underside of my helmet visor? This is spot on for so many of us who are competent riders but have to beat the “what if’s” back with each and every stride.

[winstonian]

OP - your post really resonated with me. I used to be pretty competent jumping and competing at 3’3"-3’6", but that’s starting to feel further and further away, even though it’s only been a few years and I’ve been riding consistently in the meantime. I bought a 6 year old, very athletic warmblood a year and a half ago, and it’s been 2 steps forward, 1 step back, repeat. I take regular lessons but my horse isn’t getting regular pro rides since my trainer has back issues and doesn’t really do training rides. My horse is really good most of the time, but has occasional outbursts: 2 major bucking episodes and 3 rearing episodes over the last year. I’ve had the vet out to rule out physical issues. I fell off a couple of weeks ago and I know my extra tension and bracing is not setting us up for success. I keep telling my trainer to remind me next time that I don’t need such an athletic horse. I’ve considered selling her, but for now I’ve decided to send her away for an intensive 60 days of training, which includes a lot of lessons for me.

I totally agree with findeight that the perfect horse at 22 is not the perfect horse at 42. For me, the hard thing is that I don’t seem to enjoy riding the ones that might be more suitable for me now. So I’m trying to make things work but reminding myself that I need to be open to moving on if the situation isn’t right.

You sound like someone who really wants to ride, show, and enjoy it all. Maybe leasing or buying a steadier horse would help bring your confidence back? Would it make sense to put one or both of your horses into training for a while and then consider selling one or both?

[appendix100]

Was in basically your position. Rode well as a kid/young adult. Took time off for family raising etc. Started back w/ a horse that was just too much for me. Ready to quit. Scared over fences, scared in general.

Daughter’s trainer convinced me to buy a horse from them that seemed like it could fit what I wanted to do (get back over fences). Horse was broke/trained for AQHA HUS, never jumped. Loved this horse, good mind, really comfortable to ride. Took me 6m to get the nerve to ride him in english tack. Almost a year before we were starting to go over small cross poles again. We are now back at 2’6" roughly, & comfortable doing it.

Spend alot of time riding him for the new ranch riding class - even though he is a giant, not stock type quarter horse. Have a ton of fun in the class, it does a lot of the things I need to be able to do to get around a course of jumps (transitions, transitions w/in a gait, etc). It allowed me to get back to riding in such a way that I could progress & feel relatively safe at the same time. (I have a horn if things go sideways). I don’t think we would be back over fences if it wasn’t for the work in that area. I feel like working equitation or western dressage would do the same thing for your mind.

The other huge thing for me was both my trainers (western & jumping) are great about pushing me past my comfort zone in small increments that keep me progressing but don’t wig me out. They are also both very understanding when I am just having a nervous old fart day where my heart is racing & I am scared again for no apparent reason. They help me keep it fun.

[SadieRidingHorses]

I’ve recently returned to riding and am currently looking for a horse to lease. I’ve tried some beautiful, fancy, young horses. Mostly they terrify me (18 yo me would have loved them). Being constantly flooded with anxiety and fear is exhausting - wanting to quit is a natural reaction. But listen to all the excellent advice you’ve gotten here. Lease or buy a horse with whom you feel SAFE, first and foremost. Lots of great horses out there that fit that description.

[Greys4Days22]

There are so many ways to get your confidence back before quitting or selling your horses. Have you asked your trainer if she has any calm ones that you could hack around? Or maybe your horse could get more pro rides? It sounds like they’re on the younger side (you didn’t say?), but it sounds like they’re being playful. Try and push it to the back of your mind and just ride like its not going to happen. The more that you think about the possibility of a problem, the more tense you will be and the less fun the ride will be. So just be prepared for the worst but expect the best. I really hope that it works out for you, I understand what you’re going through!

[Montanas_Girl]

I was never, ever a confident rider over fences. I did the hunters and equitation (up to 3’ briefly, but mostly at 2’6") for about 15 years because that’s what my first horse was most suited to do. He was green and sensitive when I bought him, which didn’t help, but really I was just always afraid of jumping. In college, I rode IHSA at the Novice level (2’3"/2’6") - the horses at that level are the very definition of packers, and I’d still have panic attacks and vomit before every single class. I pushed myself to keep doing it because I hate quitting and felt like I should be able to get over it. I got better, but I never got over it.

When my first horse retired, I re-evaluated my equine involvement. Ultimately, I changed disciplines entirely. My new show horse is a ranch horse/cow horse. She’s only three, but I raised her myself, and she’s the kindest, most cooperative baby horse ever. I feel 100% confident on/with her, and cattle don’t scare me near as much as jumping did (that may or may not be a logical reaction, but it’s how I feel).

Life is too short to push yourself to do something that truly terrifies you. It’s not “quitting” to move on to a discipline and/or a horse that makes you happier and more comfortable.

[Lexibrooke1]

I get this feeling. My first horse at 18 was a green OTTB who I had no business buying. She terrified me and I ending up quitting for a year. I was so scared of horses and felt humiliated by it because I was confident when I was younger. However I started riding a smaller, mellow POA and my confidence did a 180. It can take just one horse to ruin your confidence, and just one horse to bring it all back. Maybe selling these horses to someone who’s a better fit is the wisest option, and in the meantime take some lessons on some old school horses. Maybe your trainer can then help you find one that’s the right fit when you’re ready.

[CindyCRNA]

Yup, been there. I bought a Holsteiner 3 years ago that would buck on the backside of a fence or anytime other horses were galloping around him (think warm up or cross country schooling). On a whim, I bought a 16 year old jumper who was coming down off 4’6" so perfect for me. He made me such a better rider as he gave me confidence. If you got him to the jump, he was jumping it. I thought I would relegate my Holsteiner to dressage when 2 things happened. We got a boarder at the barn whose mare could have a vicious jump on the backside but she was prepared and kept going. Then I found a Facebook page called Shiteventersunite and I found my home. So many people with the same naughty horses and they got back on so I decided if they could, I could too. I also wear an air vest when I’m jumping my bucker and that helps with confidence. I am 58 by the way and did not start jumping or eventing till my early 50’s.

[Figment]

This is a valuable thread for all of us. Agree with check ulcers, bloodwork. Additionally, I would check out if the horse feels it is being tricked? Did it not jump high enough, or wide enough, and someone(s) tricked it to get it to jump higher, wider? Horse that are “tricked” into jumping higher, wider, may not ever get comfy.

[Miss_Motivation]

What a great conversation- and spot-on for most of us.

Look, the horse biz- regardless of the breed, event, discipline, fashion- revolves around aging Baby Boomers. Sure, other ages ride, but we are still the bulk of it.

And we’re getting old.

And frankly? We get scared now.

It’s what I call the conundrum of the older-and-wider rider.

And sure, not everyone has had the fear factor creep in but a lot of us have. I’m a proud lifer and graduate from the University of Shetland Pony, rode always, horse-related career for 40 years, seem to live on a large boarding stable… and it’s happening to me.

I don’t want to get hurt, I’m no longer willing to give so much time and money to horses… it’s A thing I do, not THE thing I do.

Where I think we need to have a good conversation is that it’s OK to age down, instead of aging out, with horses.

By that I mean, our industry, and ourselves, need to graciously accept that there is no shame in finding a quieter horse, a lower division, or like many have discovered, an altogether new way to enjoy horses. They are our lifeblood, but we don’t want to give blood to continue to do horses.

So find a way to fit horses into your life for who you are now, not who you were, or who you dreamed you might be. Send the hunter along to someone who is OK getting dumped into an oxer from time to time, and buy a dressage horse. Or a trail horse, or a driving pony… whatever floats your boat now, fits your budget, and makes you grin when you head to the barn.

Because we all learn that it’s all the moments outside of the show ring that really make our #HorseLives so rich. And if we can still be contented to do something different with horses, to age down, not out, then that joy remains in our lives.

[kateh]

I’m only in my early 30s, but I’m already seeing a change in my riding interests. Even 6 years ago, I was a “go figure out why he’s bucking” rider, and now I have 0 interest in any horse that’s prone to antics. A good brain is now my primary trait I look for in horses, above any athletic ability.

I hacked my friend’s very nice semi-retired schoolmaster for awhile, and realized I didn’t miss jumping AT ALL. It just stressed me out. I started learning dressage recently and I loooove it. Lots of goals to work towards that aren’t height-related, you develop a better understanding of what’s going on beneath you (which has actually made me a lot more confident), and the saddles are built to keep you IN them

[TheDBYC]

Maybe reframe it? The best jumpers I know all have strong dressage backgrounds. To quote a BNR whose clinic we audited: “Jumping is just dressage with stuff in your way.”

I might be a weirdo but I find dressage more physically demanding than any other discipline I’ve done. When I finally got a horse that was capable of a true extended trot, I was out of breath just riding that down the long side of the arena. And they’re not necessarily easy horses, either.

A bit of a tangent – having observed a zillion novice AA dressage lessons, I’ve come to think that the idea of the discipline as safer or a step down is somewhat dangerous. You get women in their 50’s & up who are new to riding or starting up again after a 25 year break. And they’re buying enormous horses. Sometimes out of a need to accomodate rider size, yes. But more often because they were told that WB & draft X are calmer or because they finally have the $$$ to do it right & they’ve seen all the BNR on 17.2 WB. And too few coaches are realistic in advising them re the amount of strength & rider self-carriage it takes to effectively ride a super-sized equine. And they discount that a fair number of people who aren’t afraid of horses on the ground DO feel intimidated by an 18.1 young WB throwing his weight around in the washrack.

[mika0116]

You bring up some amazing points that helps me consider my framing around this. I am also secretly pleased to hear your comments on how challenging dressage is. As a junior who jumped a bit in lower level pony club (2’ to 2’3 really) and switched to pure dressage around 13, my first 18 MONTHS of dressage I did not canter off the lunge ONCE. I walked and trotted 1/hr a day 6 days a week often without irons on my dressage saddle for over a year. I fell off quite a few schoolmasters at the walk and trot as I accidentally asked for a lateral movement or they spooked at something and spun my weak butt right off! Dressage horses indeed can be quite hot!

I say that dressage is ‘safer’ as it is what I have FAR more training in. I as a rider am relatively green to over fences. I dare say I am an effective, soft, ‘beautiful’ rider at 2’6 and below, as I ride it as once dressage test with some hops. My eye for distances at the higher fence heights (3’ft +) is just… not as experienced. My most recent Show Jumping trainer commented after I rode for the first time after a 6 year break “someone very good and very European taught you dressage - I have very little corrections outside of general riding fitness. You ride better without irons, which makes me see that you’re used to a dressage length leg”

I rode a few horses unfortunately that did NOT take jokes because many trainers assumed my ‘stunning’ riding could translate to higher fence heights. For example, drop the height of a challenging course to 2’3 and I can halt in the middle of lines and canter out, I can roll back inside turns, that stun a lot of the jumper crowd (I have shown off and done a sloppy canter pirouette as a rollback to a tiny 2’3 oxer in a clinic). But seeing a distance to a long approach 3’3 oxer… I just sometimes freeze, second guess, or just lack confidence.

It also doesn’t help that I have a little bit of a visual disability where my depth perception is slightly impaired, uncorrectable even with Rx lenses, so I ride off ‘feel’, which is lovely until I don’t have enough experience at the height to know what the ‘feel’ should be!

A few individuals here have recommended that perhaps I find a good schoolmaster who can take a joke at a higher fence height, get comfortable with fence heights in grids, and get out of my head and perhaps practice what 300, 350, and 400 meters per min feels like on a gallop track. I admitted haven’t done that since I was a kid.

For context, I’m 30, not as fit as I used to be but 5’9 & ~140 lbs or less. I am long torso’d so especially over fences, if I don’t have enough neck in front of me due to my lack of experience over fences, I do not want to create a balance issue due to any inadvertent leaning of my upper body over fences for my mount. My heart mare was a KWPN cresty necked 16.1. If she didn’t have that neck, I would have been too ‘tall’ for her. Ideally, I’d like to not have to fight conformational issues of myself and my mount over fences. I also don’t enjoy super large horses, rode various 17.3 & 18h stepping down 2* horses and didn’t enjoy them much.

I take no sh*t from my horses on the ground - growing up my PC horse was a biter and kicker, I groomed with a dressage whip and I never hand feed treats to ANY animal. I may be a ‘mean mom’, but come hell or high water my animals MUST behave. I won’t purchase an animal that my ‘unhorsey’ partner cannot hold, supervised by someone for 2 minutes while I pee

tl;dr - I feel dressage is safer as I am far more experienced in the discipline. I like a very forward ride that I can hold contact with and half halt around to fences. I want my creature to have their own motor and ‘hunt’ jumps. I don’t enjoy demanding generation of every ounce of energy especially when I am slightly intimidated by the exercise at hand.