Lesson with New Trainer - Didn't tell my trainer

[Core6430]

I scheduled a lesson with a top trainer even though I currently ride with a different trainer. My trainer knows this top trainer fairly well. I didn’t “clear it” through my trainer before scheduling a lesson with top trainer because I don’t want my trainer to go with me.

Last time I rode in clinic my trainer went with me to watch I ended up having to pay for EVERYTHING for her (gas, hotel room, etc) even though she didn’t help me with anything. Trainer spent the whole time trying to talk over my clinic lesson. In the video you can hear her shouting over the clinician on what I should do.

Also, because my trainer knows top trainer, it will end up being my trainer talking to top trainer. Not me. I don’t want to pay a ton of money just so my trainer and top trainer can “catch up” with each other.

So I didn’t tell my trainer about it.

Except, top trainer apparently called my trainer and told her I scheduled a lesson with her. So now, my trainer wants to know what’s going on.

In my opinion, trainer has no right to expect me to inform her of my plans with my horse. If the horse were in full training with her, then I could see that. However, my horse, my training, my goals… doesn’t require trainer approval or sign off on anything I do. Especially since it’s my money.

What are your thoughts on this?

[netg]

My thought is that from your post it sounds like you have much larger concerns with your trainer than a single lesson.

I could give advice on this specific situation, but I suspect you need to do some soul searching on the bigger picture and decide how you’re feeling, and whether or not it’s reparable. By your tone, I’d be saying leave - but that doesn’t necessarily reflect what you truly feel vs. a moment of frustration.

[RedMare01]

Just tell her, short and simple, that you like getting input from different people and you will be glad to let her know what you worked on and learned after you get back from your lesson. End of story. If she has an issue with it, it’s on her and not your fault. You’re not married.

[Derid]

Trainers can be possessive, however if you are not getting what you want or want another opinion then by all means go with another trainer. Just don’t let it turn into a crisis, be honest and professional. If your trainer makes scene, it’s her issue not yours.

[lorilu]

Courtesy/professionalism dictates you talk this over/tell her. Tell her just what you wrote above.

[Justa_Bob]

Nothing is going on. Sometimes I want to take this kind of lesson. I was needing some alone time. I hope you can understand?

Or something like that. …

Sounds like a lot is going on though! Good luck

[Sunsets]

@netg;7052394

My thought is that from your post it sounds like you have much larger concerns with your trainer than a single lesson.

Agreed. Your situtation sounds untenable.

I have taken a few lessons from clinicians whom my trainer also works with. In every case, my trainer BRIEFLY spoke with the clinican and told them what we were working on, then sat back and let the clinician do his work. Once, when mare and I hit a particular sticking spot, my trainer came out to stand next to the clinician and get his direct opinion on the problem. I should note that she addressed me first and asked if that was OK. Never once did she try and coach me from the rail.

[alto]

Just say that you wanted an independent lesson with trainer B.
No further details required.

If trainer persists, than bring up the past excursion & tell her (tactfully - assuming you’d still like to train with her) that it wasn’t quite what you were hoping for, so this time around, you’re going to try it on your own.

I don’t know any trainers that don’t want to know when client is working with others, but the only ones I’ve paid any money to, offered positive suggestions & were very supportive.

[Superminion]

I think that a good trainer is one that encourages their students to branch out and try different methods with different trainers. I agree that it sounds like you have something a bit more going on here with your current trainer.

You should not feel guilty about taking a lesson or clinic with somebody else. You should not feel as though you have to hide it. You should not feel as though you have to make excuses. If you do, you are not with the proper trainer. Point blank.

[Core6430]

The problem is I can’t afford top trainer regularly, and she’ll be gone winters. My trainer is good and she’ll be here all winter. I’ve checked out the other trainers in my area and feel that mine is the most knowledgeable. I don’t live in an area with a high level of dressage knowledge, so not many options to chose from.

I don’t feel I can afford to completely alienate her, although I’d like to right now.

[QUOTE=netg;7052394]
My thought is that from your post it sounds like you have much larger concerns with your trainer than a single lesson.

I could give advice on this specific situation, but I suspect you need to do some soul searching on the bigger picture and decide how you’re feeling, and whether or not it’s reparable. By your tone, I’d be saying leave - but that doesn’t necessarily reflect what you truly feel vs. a moment of frustration.[/QUOTE]

[GraceLikeRain]

What about a simple “Yes I scheduled a lesson with trainer B. I am really excited and I know that you think highly of him/her. I am not in a position to bring anyone with me at this time due to finances. If possible I am going to get my lesson recorded. When I get back I would love to get dinner and watch the video with you since I value you’re input.” If she wants to pay her way and go with you then you can cross that bridge when you get there.

[exploding_pony]

If you are in regular training with one trainer, and said trainer knows the other trainer, it’s going to come out (like it did) so from a practical standpoint, it wasn’t very smart to not tell your regular trainer.

You don’t have to ask permission, but it’s kind of rude not to tell her. It’s also kind of unproductive - don’t you want everyone to be on the same page?

[ThreeFigs]

GLR’s idea sounds good!

A few years back, I had a similar situation arise, though thankfully I wasn’t stuck with hotel bills, etc. I was attending a clinic with a very BNT and an old instructor from my past showed up to watch. BNT was riding my mare to help me figure out what was up with her. I was taping his ride. Old Instructor parked herself next to me and yakked and yakked the WHOLE TIME.

I was “too nice” (she’s an older woman) to ask her to quiet down, but I wish I had. She was a know-it-all, even in the presence of international BNT’s.

Enjoy your clinic and let us know if you get more out of it without Chatty Kathy Trainer in attendance.

[Winding_Down]

Trainer needs social skills training. Geeze oh Pete.

[Crockpot]

I would not just use the financial excuse because she still may come on her own dime. I would say the truth as kindly as possible- that I’d like to take the clinic without her being present because last time it was very confusing/disruptive to have 2 trainers talking to me at the same time. However will video so we can discuss later.

Of course she may show up any way if auditors are welcome…

[merrygoround]

You have two choices as I see it. Don’t tell her and deal with the fallout when you do.

Or tell her in advance, tell her you cannot afford any additional expenses, and if she pays her own way, tell her to be quiet, you will talk to her later.

She sounds insecure. I doubt that you will lose her.

[Crockpot]

trainer already knows

Except, top trainer apparently called my trainer and told her I scheduled a lesson with her. So now, my trainer wants to know what’s going on.

[Petstorejunkie]

Wow. Your trainer really shouted over a clinician at a clinic?
I would have fired her right after the first ride… Taken her back to the barn and said her behavior and lack of respect has lost her my business.
That has to be the rudest, most disrespectful thing I’ve ever heard an instructor do.

In your situation, I’d be honest and tell her why you didn’t tell her, let her know she’s not invited to attend, and that you’ll be changing instructors.

I highly doubt anyone that behaves like an 8 year old child with no manners is well respected anyhow.

[trubandloki]

I like GLR’s idea. Explain to your instructor that you were worried that she would want to come along and since you had to pay for everything for her last time and you know you can not afford that this time. Add that you found it hard to give the trainer 100% of your attention when you were getting instruction from both the clinic trainer and regular trainer so you thought you would do better with out the added distraction.

[ise]

You should be having this conversation with your Trainer and not an on line BB.

It’s time to have a discussion with your Trainer face to face and tell this person that you are going to take some lessons with the other Trainer and would like to do that SOLO.
I feel not telling her was unprofessional on your part.