[QUOTE=ise@ssl;7053062]
You should be having this conversation with your Trainer and not an on line BB. [/QUOTE]
I think the OP is airing it here to get ideas about how that conversation should go.
I think just sitting down with her and explaining things is the best. Sometimes you have to use a little sugar to sweeten the situation too. Bring wine, lol. It is a competitive business, and trainers are competitive people, otherwise they wouldn’t be doing what they are doing. It can hurt their feelings if they feel they are going to lose business, as many can be possessive over their students, particularly if you’ve lessoned a while with her. You’ve paid her money for her services, but she has also put time and effort into improving you and your horse.
I told my trainer right off the bat that I was going to be taking lessons here and there with other people, and not necessarily even dressage lessons, just to get other perspectives. He’s been completely understanding and encourages it. That said, with things as they are, I’m not in his “inner ring” of clientele, and that’s fine with me. I’ve had only one messy trainer split, and that was enough for me. We don’t hang out outside of lessons, and when I do show (hardly ever), I don’t always have him come.
Kind of up to you how you want the relationship to be. I personally like to keep things at a more professional versus personal level.
Edited to add: It’s usually the ones with the smaller pool of clients that can get upset the most. Bigger name trainers or ones with a large client base understand people come and go and don’t sweat it. Hang in there. Horses are often easier to communicate with than people!
OP, what do you want the outcome to be?
I get the sense that while this is upsetting, you do not feel that you want to sever the relationship with your current trainer right now. It’s easy for posters to say, “That’s BS! Find another trainer!” but of course the reality is that most of us don’t have unlimited options in that regard, and “just leaving,” is often just not an option.
If that is correct and you want to continue working with your current regular trainer, personally I think I would adopt a very surprised attitude with your trainer. “Trainer, I don’t understand the issue here… we’ve discussed me working on an occasional basis with BNT and you’ve never suggested it was a problem. I got the impression that you thought it was just as helpful as I did, as you’ve never said otherwise.”
Optional to add that you are not able to underwrite her attendance at this particular lesson… since it doesn’t sound like it was helpful to you (understatement.) If she shows up on her own dime, which I think is doubtful, I would simply cut off any interference by walking over to the BNT and saying very quietly that you cannot hear his/her instruction due to the noise coming from the peanut gallery, and let the BNT handle crowd control.
Good luck.
. Trainer spent the whole time trying to talk over my clinic lesson. In the video you can hear her shouting over the clinician on what I should do.
:eek: Bizarre and unacceptable behavior.
Show her the video again if necessary when you have your chat …
This is what I don’t understand. Why do I NEED to inform anyone of what I am doing with my horse, my money, my time? I’m a very smart person (as are you). I can understand and evaluate what does or does not work for my horse and me. I can integrate different lessons from different people into my training successfully. I am a thinking student that likes to accumulate tools and exercises to use in all manner of situations. I don’t need a person to tell me what I should/shouldn’t do outside of the lesson.
If I wanted my trainer to go then I would understand telling her. If I went to the beach and didn’t want to take my friend then I wouldn’t ask her if its okay if I go to the beach alone. I would just go.
[QUOTE=ise@ssl;7053062]
You should be having this conversation with your Trainer and not an on line BB.
It’s time to have a discussion with your Trainer face to face and tell this person that you are going to take some lessons with the other Trainer and would like to do that SOLO.
I feel not telling her was unprofessional on your part.[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=Core6430;7053266]
This is what I don’t understand. Why do I NEED to inform anyone of what I am doing with my horse, my money, my time? I’m a very smart person (as are you). I can understand and evaluate what does or does not work for my horse and me. I can integrate different lessons from different people into my training successfully. I am a thinking student that likes to accumulate tools and exercises to use in all manner of situations. I don’t need a person to tell me what I should/shouldn’t do outside of the lesson.
If I wanted my trainer to go then I would understand telling her. If I went to the beach and didn’t want to take my friend then I wouldn’t ask her if its okay if I go to the beach alone. I would just go.[/QUOTE]
Because its just curtosey and in the training scheme it helps with the overall line of communication.
I would add that we have ongoing relationships with our trainers, some of them very long term, and (ideally) they are invested in us, our horses, and our progress. For that reason, it’s a good idea to let them know what we’re doing with our horses. Your trainer seems a bit too invested, though. I think you have gotten some good examples of how to talk with her about this without offending her.
Good luck.
[QUOTE=Core6430;7053266]
This is what I don’t understand. Why do I NEED to inform anyone of what I am doing with my horse, my money, my time? I’m a very smart person (as are you). I can understand and evaluate what does or does not work for my horse and me. I can integrate different lessons from different people into my training successfully. I am a thinking student that likes to accumulate tools and exercises to use in all manner of situations. I don’t need a person to tell me what I should/shouldn’t do outside of the lesson.
If I wanted my trainer to go then I would understand telling her. If I went to the beach and didn’t want to take my friend then I wouldn’t ask her if its okay if I go to the beach alone. I would just go.[/QUOTE]
Unless you have a binding contract, you don’t have to tell anyone anything, but if you respect her as a person, then you will (and really you should out of common decency no matter what).
The difference here is, yes it’s your horse/money, HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean you don’t inform others of what you’re doing, it just means that you’re going to do what you want to do regardless of what others want. Make sense?
Sometimes you just have to put your foot down in a relationship and if she’s a worthwhile person, she’ll accept that (she doesn’t have to agree with it, but she would need to accept that you’re going to do what you want to do).
But that’s just my personal opinion…
i am on the side of no need to tell trainer. you are not her possession so really it is none of her beezwax 
but since she knows, i think you need to have a conversation with her - which sux.
but personally i would somehow find the guts to tell her how i felt. i would word it in such a way that got the end result you want - whether that is continuing working with her or not.
trainers really do need a smack down from time to time. what other profession would act like this over a paying client?
[QUOTE=ise@ssl;7053062]
You should be having this conversation with your Trainer and not an on line BB.
It’s time to have a discussion with your Trainer face to face and tell this person that you are going to take some lessons with the other Trainer and would like to do that SOLO.
I feel not telling her was unprofessional on your part.[/QUOTE]
I can see this point ^^^ It sounds like you probably knew that she would be bothered by your taking the lesson and not letting her know. So you didn’t tell her and she found out anyway. This all could have been discussed prior to the lesson, in a professional and respectful manner.
And if I were her, I’d be way upset if I thought you were on a BB talking about me etc. If you respect your trainer and want to treat her with respect, regardless of how you think you have been treated, you would have an honest conversation with her.
Sometimes the most respectful and caring thing to do is also the most difficult. It is hard to have this conversation. It is easy to come on a BB and complain about her. But perhaps the most respectful and caring thing to do is to deal with this directly with her, and not with all of us.
On a positive note, she obviously has a lot invested in you as a student, to have been so involved, however inappropriately, in your previous lesson.
And I don’t want to be harsh as I am sure you do care about and respect your trainer. Otherwise, you would not want to preserve the relationship and continue taking lessons from her. I just think that you’ve done what all of us have done now and then: gone to others and complained when the problem is easily solved by doing the more difficult direct conversation with the other person.
The trainer is the professional, the client is the client and can do what they want. However, many trainers get possessive. Imo, the trainers that get overly possessive are insecure, and the ones that behave like jealous controllers have issues and are going to act out no matter how polite, well paying, or loyal a client is.
I am at the point in life where I don’t want to associate closely with dysfunctional people. The trainer showed who they are on that clinic trip. Dysfunctional people also act out with the horses and frequently are not as knowledgeable/accomplished as they would like everyone to think. Those that truly are very accomplished don’t behave that way.
It would have been courteous to tell her before hand, probably did not gell her out of fear/resentment for prior trip.
I doubt the trainer would have acted well about the OP taking a lesson with the BNT, whether told before hand or not.
The OP should perhaps look at other trainers if there are any at all…if not, be firm and don’t let this one bully you, they usually have a good radar for who they could bully. And don’t trust her 100% with your horse imo. IF she rides/trains him when you are not around, show up by surprise and watch from a distance and see what is going on. I no longer trust dysfunctional types, I used to think it was worth putting up with them but have seen their unkindness to animals as well as people when they think nobody is around.
[QUOTE=Core6430;7053266]
This is what I don’t understand. Why do I NEED to inform anyone of what I am doing with my horse, my money, my time? I’m a very smart person (as are you). I can understand and evaluate what does or does not work for my horse and me. I can integrate different lessons from different people into my training successfully. I am a thinking student that likes to accumulate tools and exercises to use in all manner of situations. I don’t need a person to tell me what I should/shouldn’t do outside of the lesson.
If I wanted my trainer to go then I would understand telling her. If I went to the beach and didn’t want to take my friend then I wouldn’t ask her if its okay if I go to the beach alone. I would just go.[/QUOTE]
You don’t need to do any of these things. In which case, why are you posting here? You think you don’t owe trainer an explanation, didn’t give one, and now the predictable has happened: tongues have wagged. You can still think the problem is on their end and not talk to your trainer about it.
But sooner or later, you probably will have to communicate with your trainer about it. This case shows why the “sooner” option is better.
I don’t think the client in this case is obliged to be “professional”. She is the client, not the pro. A discussion of the why’s and wherefore’s with the Trainer is courtesy. Which, the Trainer LACKED at the first clinic. That, and professionalism.
I’d definitely let Trainer KNOW why you didn’t tell her. Expenses, talking over the BNT, interrupting, visiting. You can show her the video later and discuss the clinic. I doubt you’ll lose her as a teacher if you’re frank but kind. And, if you DO, that tells you something about HER!
[QUOTE=ThreeFigs;7053472]
I don’t think the client in this case is obliged to be “professional”. She is the client, not the pro. A discussion of the why’s and wherefore’s with the Trainer is courtesy. Which, the Trainer LACKED at the first clinic. That, and professionalism.
I’d definitely let Trainer KNOW why you didn’t tell her. Expenses, talking over the BNT, interrupting, visiting. You can show her the video later and discuss the clinic. I doubt you’ll lose her as a teacher if you’re frank but kind. And, if you DO, that tells you something about HER![/QUOTE]
I agree with all of this. And the client is not obligated to be professional but being respectful is a good thing, even in the face of the lack of professionalism that the trainer exhibited. And telling her the truth is part of that respect. Trainer sounds like she has some real “issues” but OP still wants to train with her so…
I’m on here asking for opinions. Why I’m asking is because all of my friends are.non-horsey and they think its absurd to have to notify trainer of my actions. I wanted feedback from people immersed in the culture so I can make an informed decision on how best to handle it.
I really do appreciate all of the responses. They have been wonderful, and informative. Thank you (all of you).
[QUOTE=mvp;7053395]
You don’t need to do any of these things. In which case, why are you posting here? You think you don’t owe trainer an explanation, didn’t give one, and now the predictable has happened: tongues have wagged. You can still think the problem is on their end and not talk to your trainer about it.
But sooner or later, you probably will have to communicate with your trainer about it. This case shows why the “sooner” option is better.[/QUOTE]
Normally, the lines of communication are best open but have to say I understand how this happened since the trainer is an ass and the OP maybe was hoping to avoid drama/?and does not have a lot of trainer options.
No one wants to have that particular conversation so OP took the path of least resistance- least drama?? but it wasn’t successful- so she now has to face the thing.
You can’t keep this sort of thing ‘secret’ so may as well be upfront as the Op has learned.
Unless I were looking around for a trainer’s replacement, I would tell my current trainer. Respect is a two way street.
Sounds like you already have respect issues in your relationship though and it’s coming from both parties. I have a hard time imagining a person who is so self absorbed and inconsiderate as to take over in a lesson or clinic you are paying for. I mean, I know such people exist. They’re called my inlaws. But it’s also why I avoid them. But you’re actually choosing to deal with this person on a regular basis and PAYING for the privilege to do so.
Disregarding the details of this specific trainer, I would absolutey tell my trainer I was going to take a clinic or lesson with someone else. I’m not required to do that anymore than I’m required to tell people “please” or “thank you.” But it’s still the right thing to do. She’s not your mechanic.
Certainly a tough spot to be in and one I hear about all the time. A search through the BB will turn up some similar conversations about people keeping things from their trainers to prevent drama. It seems, in the end, that this comes back to cause more problems. Here is an idea that people haven’t mentioned (that I saw):
Since the BNT you are taking a clinic with is involved, could you ask for their advice on how to manage the lesson if your trainer comes with you?
I know if I were teaching and someone that I know/respect as a professional started talking over me, I would probably find a way to politely ask them to stop. Maybe this would be an approach that would fix the problem from the other end and allow you to bring your trainer if you are clear you can’t pay her travel expenses?
These are seperate issues.
I would deal with the first one first. I would say you were sorry about the fact that you tried to work around her knowing about the lesson because you couldnt afford to bring her along and now that its come out you regret not having told her. You really didnt mean to be rude about it but its come out like that and you are sorry.
ON another completely different day if it comes up I would address your issues.
I think that if your trainer yells over clinicians I would just not invite her ever again would be my way of solving that.
But now you know you need to advise her of your plans because yes it shouldnt be a secret but at the same time you ARE allowed to do what you like. ITs both.
I think Grace Like Rain had the perfect response. I’d go with that one, verbatim.
Sorry that your trainer is crazy. But BNT doesn’t sound much better; I don’t think it was very professional to tell another trainer, “Oh, I have one of your students…” I’m sure it was meant innocently and out of an interest in sharing constructive information, though.
