First off, imo any trainer that goes to another trainer’s clinic and tries to teach and talk over the other trainer during the clinic has major problems with professionalism. I could not take such a person seriously as a professional trainer/teacher and would not work with them.
Otherwise …
[QUOTE=Core6430;7053266]
This is what I don’t understand. Why do I NEED to inform anyone of what I am doing with my horse, my money, my time? …[/QUOTE]
It is not that you “have to” inform anyone. It’s the general milieu of professional trainers that exists in American riding today. It’s just something to work around (not to stop you.) Here is why …
I agree with you - there are situations when I want to take a lesson elsewhere. It’s my business, my money, my horse, my ride. I’m paying everyone’s way, so I want to do things as I judge is best for me and my horse. I haven’t turned that decision over to anyone else, including my regular trainer.
But, I do recognize that pro trainers are trying to make a living and they have worked out this unwritten, informal ‘code,’ as it were, among themselves to keep thing from becoming chaos. There is a sort of assumption of ownership of clients, rightly or wrongly. I may not agree with this ‘ownership,’ but it’s the environment we’re living in. (Chaos does tend to result for someone, somewhere if any one trainer isn’t following the code.)
The unwritten “trainers’ code of ethics” includes “no poaching” on another trainer’s students. In your case, the “top trainer” did what any trainer who takes that code seriously would do when he/she called your regular trainer and informed them. (Good pros communicate among themselves much more than most of their clients realize, anyway.)
You will continue to run into this if you don’t take it into account and actively work around it. You can do what you like - it’s the “how” that you want to work out to make it easier for you.
This is how I handle it, and it may or may not work for you -
I start out by respectfully informing my regular trainer when we first start working together, nicely, “I just want to let you know that I do not consider myself as belonging to any one trainer.” I tell them that I do occasionally take a lesson or school with someone else, even if I usually work with “regular trainer.” If a trainer has a big problem with that they will tell me, and we can both make a decision if this is a training relationship we want to pursue. Nothing taken personally, no harm done.
If I take a lesson elsewhere, afterwards I will mention it casually to the trainer I lesson with the most, when other students are not within earshot. I don’t go into details about the lesson and don’t compare lessons between the trainers. I just say something like “I went over to X’s last week and took a lesson, we did some grids and it went well.” That’s all, then change the subject onto something about the regular trainer to reinforce their status as “regular.” Since I’m back on the regular trainer’s turf and obviously not dumping them, they don’t have much to complain about, especially since they agreed with this up front. If the regular trainer asks a follow-up question about the lesson then I’ll discuss more specifics. But I do try to be politic and brief. The less said, the less opportunity for something to be taken the wrong way.
It hasn’t happened, but if a regular trainer became upset about the other lesson, or if they tried to be challenging or confrontational about it, that would jeopardize my working relationship with them. We need to talk that out and make decisions at the get-go.
My independence is an important principal of my riding. I do my best to be fair and honest about it, especially with those I am working with on a paid basis. But, while I rely heavily on knowledgeable trainer advice and opinions, in the end I am making my own judgments and not deferring those to a trainer.
One trainer who has been a regular for me has said “ok, but” and expressed the concern that he doesn’t want his students un-learning what he teaches when they work with someone else. Fair point. As what he teaches works well for me, I do pay attention to what kind of lesson I am likely to get with someone else and avoid anything that is contradictory of what he teaches.
[QUOTE=netg;7052394]My thought is that from your post it sounds like you have much larger concerns with your trainer than a single lesson.
I could give advice on this specific situation, but I suspect you need to do some soul searching on the bigger picture and decide how you’re feeling, and whether or not it’s reparable. By your tone, I’d be saying leave - but that doesn’t necessarily reflect what you truly feel vs. a moment of frustration.[/QUOTE]
I agree with this, although I did give my thoughts above.
My suggestion is to consider if the time has come for a talk with your trainer. Tell her that you want to take occasional lessons elsewhere, and that if that is not ok with her, let her say her piece. (It’s essential she feel like you listened to her.) Then you can decide if whatever she says is something you are willing to live with or not. If not, it’s time to find another trainer.
It seems to me that you are trainer-shopping and probably for good reason. I agree with those who have posted that you need to face up to that, think about why, and what you want to do going forward.
It could be that staying with the current trainer means you have to do some things her way to keep the peace, and you are less and less willing to do that.
Take care and good luck. 
