I saw a very good article on a parenting site the other day which talked about the overuse of the word “bullying.” Key point was that someone being mean, rude, hurtful, threatening, etc. once or twice is NOT bullying - it’s just being a jerk. Repeatedly doing those things to one person day in and day out, and seeking them out in order to do those things? That’s bullying.
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There’s a couple of things on this thread that need repeating.
Mentioning something that happened to me is NOT dragging Manni into the thread. Manni was not dragged into the thread. She read my post, recognized something I said as involving her, even though I didn’t mention her by name, and decided to comment and then blow this thread up. Please do not tell me I am not allowed to talk about my own experiences on this board. Also, you choose to participate in this board, and often do so in a contentious or inflammatory manner. Therefore, people are going to talk about your posts. Get over it. It’s a public board, that’s what happens.
Mentioning that someone has links in their signature is NOT doxxing. Not even close. Claiming that it is somehow inappropriate to mention when you put the links there for whatever dubious social marketing benefit is ridiculous. You put the links in your signature. Own it. Accept the responsibility that curious people are going to click on the links and make observations.
Many of the topics on this thread were discussed in great detail in a thread Manni started in 2015. That means Manni has been tilting at this particular windmill for three years now. Manni, seriously - it’s not working. Your efforts to change this tone of discussion on this board are not working. It’s a lightly moderated board, and most of us like it that way. You are not going to be able to turn this board into whatever it is you envision, where the discussions all stay between the lines with which you’re comfortable. Your continuous efforts to do so are tedious and annoying. Either accept THIS board the way it is, where robust conversation and criticism is allowed, ignore conversations of posters you find distasteful or find a board that better suits your sensibilities. Are you familiar with the aphorism about repeating the same input and expecting different output?
I truly wish you well with your riding and your lovely horses.
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@McGurk I admit that I started to like you during this thread and I agree with everything you write…
Who said that I am perfect?? nobody is. I know I should ignore everything other posters write about me, but sometimes I just can’t.
But since 2015 I really gave up the idea to change the discussion style of some posters (not everybody!!!) on this board. If they love to post like they do and if it gives them a good feeling why not…
But please if I start a thread and always the same crowd is starting to try to derail it that is annoying for me… Not sure whether you can understand that. Look at my new topic (which I think could be an interesting discussion) same thing over and over again… And always the same names…
Why are they allowed to act like this. This is supposed to be a discussion board and not a playground for some. And I think its very sad that it has been going on since 2015.
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Love your post… So does doing this since 2015 count ???
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I entirely agree. I posted to Elisa, but I was mindful that she’s a human being, she’s a gifted trainer, she’s a very hard worker, and I am grateful for the insights she shares through her well made videos. in my mind, she got greedy and made a poor decision followed by many more poor ones to keep pushing the horse. She’s lucky he wasn’t hurt- and I am confident she learned from it. The screeching banshee stuff does not accomplish ANYTHING good. People don’t hear you when you screech and carry on! It gets the screecher worked up and turned on, and shuts the receiver (I won’t say listener), down. It’s not bullying. It IS fruitless. People will defend it by saying " I don’t have time for flowery language" or “I’m just plain spoken.” No, you do have time, but you either don’t have or won’t exercise- reasonable and effective communication skills.
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Manni,
I can’t speak for the other posters. But I will tell you why I continue to post, because I asked myself that question this morning. The reason why I care, and take the trouble to craft logical responses to irrational posts, is that I hate the co-opting and devaluing of words.
I reacted to being called a stalker because I have actually been stalked. As in police involvement, restraining order, have someone walk through the house and check the closets before I get out of the car and walk in the house stalked. THAT’S being stalked. You calling someone reading your post history “stalking” minimizes and trivializes that experience in an offensive way.
Cyberstalking? That’s someone breaking into your home to clone your laptop so they can read all your personal email and track you across social media. NOT what happens on this board. Again, it minimizes a very real and damaging experience.
Bullying? My personal experience with bullying was my 12 year old daughter being physically ill because she dreaded going to school, literally stopping to vomit before she entered the school building. We involved counselors, the school administration, the other parents, but ultimately the solution was to change schools rather than have her education continue to be disrupted. Calling people responding to you on an internet BB in a way you don’t like “bullying” cheapens what my daughter experienced. That’s why it bothers me so much.
Doxing? Doxing is when some takes away your choice to be anonymous, and publishes not just your real life identity, but your personal records. Doxing would be posting your tax returns and your medical history with the intent of causing public humiliation and reputational harm, NOT pointing out the link in you signature line,.
Stop minimizing and trivializing actual, destructive, criminal behavior by equating it with your hurt feelings and posts you don’t like on a public message board. This is why people accuse you of playing the victim card. And why some people can’t simply ignore your posts, because it is dangerous to let this kind of devaluation continue unchallenged.
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Right, ^^^^
As someone who HAS BEEN BULLIED online (where it was totally wrong, no question) I really think you should consider how flinging these terms around de-values real traumatic situations
This is a tame message board, if you can’t see that all of this is normal behavior then you might want to not hang out here. It’s not working.
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Thank you again for continuing to post and how you do it. I truly apologize that I called you a stalker!!! I think at that point I was just so fed up with some things that I was not able to recognize who was a true stalker. I put you in the wrong crowd 
I apologize again!!!
I am extremely sorry for your personal experiences. That sounds horrible
Usually I hate to talk about my family in boards because thats my privacy. But my oldest son was bullied in the school bus in Elementary school… I still believe the reason for it was that we are West germans and we lived in East Germany at that time. He told me that 2 older boys bothered him every day in the bus. I was lucky because he told me very early about it. He felt uncomfortable but I don’t think he was scared to death about it. I was very concerned when I found out and thought what I could do about it. I believe in fast action because sometime then you can prevent worse things… It was like a miracle… Some days later I met the mother in the grocery store (which was crowded at that time because everybody was shopping there). I thought wow thats my chance to solve that problem and addressed the issue with her. I talked a little bit louder (purposely ) so everybody could hear it. She had an official position in our village as well.
It was amazing, you could see how uncomfortable she felt about it. I did not yell at her at all but just told her that I want her to stop this… And from that day on, there was never any problem any more…
I am sure all the poster here would tell me that I was overdoing it and it wasn’t even true bullying because they did not hit him but only slapped him a little and forced him to sit where they wanted to him to sit. But I was worried and did not want to take any risks and I was ready to complain at the school as well…
And now back to the board… Maybe it was even in 2015 not sure about that there was a bad thread. Somebody who was probably not the biggest expert on Dressage was starting a topic and it went extremely whacko. I admit that she was not an expert but she seemed like a nice person so at one point I tried to support her (I also admit i wasn’t really taking her serious but still I hated what happened on the thread) so to my surprise one day I got some very long pms from her. They sounded that she was really bothered what happened on that thread and that she was very desperate. After I read those I even felt bad that maybe some of my posts were a little sarcastic Some people are sensitive and cannot take much so I think to define the degree of bullying is very very difficult. For some people it doesn’t take much to feel very hurt.
And now back to me… I don’t really feel bothered by anything some posters here post. I am lucky that I am a pretty balanced and happy person so I don’t even see a point to feel bothered (Lady79 expressed that pretty well!) But not everybody is like me and honestly these posts are borderline bullying and I am not even sure where the borderline would be. If you are a borderline bully for years does that make you a bully or not??? Not sure about this…
So regarding your last sentence. I respectfully disagree. I think it is very dangerous not to address borderline bullying. If you ignore it it will encourage those who like to do it. Very very sorry but that is the way it is. I like to adress things I see. So I disagree about the devaluing of words in the case of bullying. Because it is IMO not possible to say where bullying starts or not.
Oh and because I just saw the previous post, in the thread I was talking about one of the most active ones is also very active in this thread
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I’m not a stalker either! hey, what about my apology?
If mods see bullying. they’d be all over this…and they are not. As I always say, happy to talk to anyone if there is possibly an issue. Mods have over and over clarified what personal interactions are ok and not. they have closed or edited threads. They discuss at length how things are to go here. I have no problems with anything.
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I love it. Pointed polite confrontation with a touch of public shaming is alright by me.
Which is of course what we are seeing a bit of on this thread. It’s ok! As we’ve just seen in this last exchange here, it can actually help hopefully possibly raise the level of discourse.
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For the record
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I’m not sure there’s any point in chiming in anymore, but I’ve been thinking about this thread over the past couple days because it coincided with a writer friend of mine getting flamed online, and I started to see some parallels.
Bear with me 
I write for a living, and one of the big things we have to learn is the book is separate from us. This is super weird considering everything we write is basically an extension of who we are/what we are trying to figure out/what we are coming to terms with. It’s ALWAYS personal. I’ve talked to a few writers who say it isn’t, and kudos to them because the vast majority of us put blood, sweat, and tears onto the page.
Which is also pretty much what riders bring to horses.
If you think of someone’s writing or riding as his/her ‘product’ then it’s fair game for criticism. It’s a separate thing from the person itself.
For example, voting down cruel/ignorant training videos? Fair game. People are voting down the way the person rides or teaches.
Another example, voting down a book because it portrays minorities in a disgusting light/glorifies suicide/etc? Also fair game. People are voting down the way the writer has portrayed those characters/that situation.
The fact that people are mobilizing as a group? shrugs It’s still a comment on the product even if it’s slightly alarming to watch.
Once we get into personal attacks…hmm…I don’t know. Sometimes personal attacks are all people have to work with Seriously though we can talk about the separation of person and product all day long, but I know I’m never going to use those trainers, or read those authors, and I’m probably not going to want to sit near them either.
Have I blurred the line between person and product? Yeah. Am I personally okay with it? Pretty much.
Is it gross when DH puts NP up deliberately to make fun of him? I think it’s pretty classless, but I’m sure he’s still upright and trucking along. Was it bullying? I don’t think so. Not if you consider it a comment on his riding and training.
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does anyone have any specifics on what bullying has been suspected here?
maybe I am totally missing something? Its hard to address it Manni when I have no general idea what you are concerned about.
Have you talked to mods?
As someone who has been edited by mods yourself, do you understand why mods edited things or closed threads in which you said certain things? Do you realize why those were issues?
I’ve never ever been harassing you, I never called you a bad person, stupid, etc,
I don’t actually care that much about anything personal. this is about the forum
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Would ONE of you just drop it?
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You know, just when I was beginning to miss the old days of COTH it seems to be back. Some people hated it, because the boards were known for not suffering fools lightly. And things would go a bit haywire when two people didn’t understand each other. But generally we always pulled through.
Bullying is not discovering that someone is a fraud and talking about it.
Bullying is generally when someone cannot change a particular aspect of their lives, and people make fun of them for it. I had big ears, my son had bad acne, someone is poor, or red-headed, or wears glasses, or whatever it is.
The thread about NP did make me think a few times it was getting close to the line, but as someone who is vocally untrainable (e.g. will not take lessons) he is continuing in his fraudulent behavior, so is fair game as a discussion point.
His daughter? Not fair game.
I don’t even know what to make of the other discussion going on here, because I’m just recently back to COTH after a hiatus from horses.
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Who?
Drop what?
this is a discussion board, and I am discussing the OP, why is that an issue? why are you so bothered by this?
Manni has accused someone of bullying, and I’m trying to see why/when/who to better address her concerns,
You’re not a mod, I am happy to comply if there are things here not allowed. Till then I think it’s a very interesting subject.
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Senden, really. Just, really.
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houseguest?
care to add any thoughts in the OT or just add these weird comments?
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I am trying to understand - did you talk to the mods? By asking questions here, you see I am doing the very thing you seek to do in your post. I am being very sincere here.
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Doing what since 2015?
