Loss of a lifetime horse ~ How long did you grieve?

[GoneAway]

It’s been almost 10 months since I lost my guy and sometimes it feels like it just happened yesterday. Still cry myself to sleep some nights. To make it worse, the next two months are a series of one-year milestones…our George Morris clinic, then one month later when Soon got sick and the battle he fought in the hospital afterward, to the following month when I lost him…I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

I’m trying to focus on the happy memories, but I’m sure we all know that doesn’t make it hurt less. To compound it, I’m serving overseas this year and away from my new guy, who was my equine comfort pillow when I got sad. No equine therapy to help and I’m dreading it.

[allons-y]

6 years and I’m crying now. I still can’t bear to look at a beautiful grey for long. Two years ago I went to a Pecan Festival with demos of the old ways of farming. There was a fleabitten grey draft horse tied near a log cabin. He looked so much like George I just sobbed and sobbed. It was not the fun outing I meant it to be. I know I was lucky to have met him at all, it was a wonderful story that couldn’t have been just random. I miss him still.

[beowulf]

I’m so sorry to read of yours (and others’) heartbreak[s]. Lots of hugs to everyone.

Grief has no time line. Do not take any one else’s council on what is an appropriate time to grieve.

For the record, I still mourn and miss my gelding that passed away in 2012. He was very special to me. I love all horses, have ridden so many from so many different backgrounds, but he was special - not to anyone else, but to me. I think I was his person, and he was my horse. It was not an immediately wonderful relationship either and our beginning was astronomically hard as he was a brilliant athlete but had some physical complaints it took us time to cure; it was years on years of trying, failing, picking myself up from the dust, fixing, trying again - but in the end I had such a wonderful partner. There is one song that always reminded me of him (Keepsake, by State Radio) even before his death – and I get very sentimental (those that know me, know I am not sentimental type) any time I listen to that song, see an old bridle of his, or think of him. I still occasionally look for his bright face hanging over the stall window.

Habit, I guess.

I have let go of two other horses I loved dearly too (including my first OTTB/childhood horse, who was PTS last July) their loss was profound, but it was not as traumatic; maybe because for both of them it was their time to go, but with my other gelding it was so abrupt and ugly and awful. Certainly, the circumstances surrounding their death will impact how you cope; there are some where it is easy to let them slip quietly with their nobility still intact - and others where it is very hard; neither is a measure of your love or depth of relationship with them, but simply context that might change how you handle their passing.

Grief is blunt, visceral trauma. It takes time to heal. Be kind to yourself, think fondly of them often, and if you need to, talk to someone to help you cope.

[wereoutriding]

I’ve read and respected every single post here, needing badly to know all these thoughts. Part of my own healing. But let me say: On November 2, 2018, I lost the love of my life, Phoenix. She came to me as a fuzzy 8 month old Xbred and we said goodbye when she was 4 months shy of her 36th birthday. She was with me more than half my life. She was taken from her birth mother - an unnatural and traumatic weaning (according to my beliefs) and I became her surrogate mom. She was never “broken”. Rather, one day around her 4th birthday, I put a teeny English saddle on her back and we started first grade, right then, right there. She allowed me to be with her and go places with her and touch her and love her. “Green side up” was her motto, meaning that I was supposed to stay on top, whatever we did. It was the ride of my life and my rides have spanned 56 years… Rescues and others later, she still was alpha mare and the love of my life. My complete heart. Retired at 24, because I erroneously feared for her continued abilities, she held court over the farm. We had a forever language of love and respect. When she began to look thinnish, I consulted vets and a most-respected feed company: between them a special diet was concocted. It did little to improve her condition. She still was the emotional powerhouse of my heart, but things were failing. Weight was being lost. Mobility was iffy. The suspected diagnosis: cancer. She was 35. And thin. And loving. And ready. We said goodbye on a cool fall morning. My heart aches every second and I know it has not been long.But what is long enough to stop this awful ache? This terrible missing? Why are some of us so tortured by the passing of an animal?

[NoSuchPerson]

@wereoutriding@aol.com

Why are some of us so tortured by the passing of an animal?

This is something I always wonder about when I read posts like this here on COTH. Because I’m not like that.

I have experienced the death of many loved ones during my life. From just my immediate family, I’ve lost all of my grandparents, a parent, and a child. I’ve euthanized two mules and nearly a dozen dogs and cats over the years. Yes, the loss is awful. Yes, I grieve, but I’d hardly describe it as being “tortured” or “crushed.” It’s life. That’s how the whole thing works. Everybody dies. Some sooner than others, but that’s life, too. All you can do is treasure the time you had together while you keep moving forward. But, I’m a pretty devoted follower of the “live in the now” philosophy, so maybe that’s why I react the way I do. [shrug] I don’t know…

[TheJenners]

Lost my first horse who was also my heart horse after nearly 20 years together, August 2008. Now that I write this, I realize the 10 year anniversary of my loss went without notice, but I still think about her often. I celebrate her birthday every year, even though her natural life would not have lasted this long I don’t think… who knows, she was cranky enough to make it into her 30s, god knows nothing else was wrong with her at 22. Snarky old mare :sadsmile: