Mission impossible? Oh, those tough decisions

[HHH]

I will try to cut a long story short (not dwelling on how I got here): I have six horses to care for (financially and practically). In addition, I have full time paid work within a demanding field. Needless to say I am burning the candle at both ends. This has been the situation for ten years now.

The horses are my first priority, and they have never had any lack of care. Still I am riddled with guilt, first and foremost for not training them more often (I manage to ride/train 12-15 times a week myself). Getting help has proven almost impossible, mainly due to lack of horse girls in my area. I have sent some away to trainers now and then, but needless to say it takes a huge toll on my financial plan (see later). I have tried to sell, lend out and give away, but apparently I have the qualification bar raised too high. Now the only real option to lower the numbers seem to be to put them down. But of course, I cannot get myself to put down healthy, happy horses in their best years of life. And so I am making it impossible to change my situation…

The one thing that has kept me going is an idea that I can save enough money to live off interest only. That is, quit my career and only have one full time job, the horses. I need about 6 more years to accomplish this (I live very economic, spending about 15% of my income on personal use, 30% on the horses and saving the rest).

But… every day is quite a struggle. I do not sleep well. The thought of putting some of the horses down is battling in my mind almost constantly. I do not know if I can make it for 6 more years. I therefore also think about taking a year off work immediately, living off my hard earned savings, to save me some breathing space instead. But that will of course make me have to work even longer to actually save enough to quit the paid work completely (if I end up having to do that). Also, in my field of work it is very tough to come back after dropping out for a year. I would probably have to quit that career, and get another job.

I guess what I am asking you is, am I on a mission impossible? Am I weak not being able to handle 6 horses and a career at the same time? (I have no children to care for). I think I need some calibration here!

And what would you do - put down horses and possibly be devasted for your wrongdoing (which I fear I will) or quit your job to get some breathing space?

ETA: I see I was not clear on the financial part: The horses are not a financial burden. The financial timeline is due to the fact that I am overwhelmed and stuck, and I see that I might be stuck for a while. Having the financial timeline help me from burning out completely. I know I will get a break in a few years time.

[MillysGirl]

6 horses plus a full-time job is a LOT, especially with no help from family or staff. If it is too much for you, that is okay to admit. Sure, someone somewhere can probably do it, but it depends on the individual person and circumstances, and that is not a standard it is reasonable for YOU to hold yourself to.

It sounds like you do not want to sell any of them, but it also sounds like you may not OWN all 6. If you do not own all of them, you could contact owners and say you are unable to continue caring for their horses and they need to make other arrangements. If I’m reading it wrong, and you own all of them…choose 1 or 2 and put some serious legwork into advertising them and getting them sold to good homes. Use Facebook, local horse places (tackshops, feed stores, etc.), those little local horse freebie magazines that pile up in odd places around your house, dreamhorse.come, etc. Since it sounds like you ride and train on your own, give 2 of the non-sale horses a month or so off and pour some extra energy into the sale horses to make them more attractive to buyers. Head to a show or 2 if you can.

6 horses is a lot, and there is no shame in trying to lighten the load. It will be hard to let them go, but if you are able to shift some of your energy and reduce your herd, it will likely help you massively in the long run.

Best of luck jingles.

[shelly]

You are overwhelmed!! Your love of horses should make you happy but it sounds like there is just too much to do that. I think you need to tell yourself that it is okay to reduce the numbers and allow yourself to just enjoy.

We all know that rehoming horses is tough. Maybe you could use a friend’s help in finding new suitable homes? or this board?

Life is too short to live it stressed.

[HHH]

I do own all the horses. The suggestion to pour my energy into the possible sale horses for a while is a good idea. There are three horses I have no trouble passing on to perfect homes (and there are three I cannot live without). It definitively is easier to part with well trained horses that have got some life experence “away from home” (the horses are homebred). Working towards making them less vulnerable…

ETA: that said, I have tried hard for several years now to find new homes for some of the horses. Reality is that I am not able to do it, partly because of lack of possibilites and partly me being too picky (I do not live in the US,btw, and there really are not many horse people in my country).

[up-at-5]

I can empathize with you to a certain degree, as in, I don’t think my day job is as demanding as yours is.
It’s tough, keeping horses and working full time sucks the life right out of many of us.
I don’t know enough about you to say whether it would be right to put some of your horses down, but based on what I’ve read here, I’d say don’t do it, you’ll be heartbroken and suffer from a high level of guilt, I think.
6 more years until you can quit the day job? Can you hang on? 6 years isn’t that long. Don’t stress out if you don’t have the time to ride each and every one of your horses every day. With my herd, I pick a couple of the horses that I want to work on, aim to show, etc. If I want to go to hunter paces this year, I know I have to get my Paint in shape and ride her regularly…know what I mean? No way would I be able to keep more than 4 horses, tops, in any kind of regular program, not after working all day, then doing chores etc. There just aren’t that many hours in the day! So, perhaps choose two that you need to/want to ride regularly, and just enjoy being around the others until you get your wind back and aren’t feeling so overwhelmed.
There is no guilt in going down to the barn with a nice glass of wine at the end of the day, and simply take in the beauty of your horses as they graze in the field, or munch hay in their stalls. No guilt at all.

[rugbygirl]

So, perhaps choose two that you need to/want to ride regularly, and just enjoy being around the others until you get your wind back and aren’t feeling so overwhelmed.

:yes:

Selling doesn’t seem like a viable option for you, and that’s ok. Since I got into horses, I have sold/given away 4. I have 2 of them back again, and I am NEVER selling another horse. I just can’t. They are pets, part of my family. Of the 2 that remained sold, one I lost track of (confident that he is in a good home…but you never know…) and the other is definitely much-appreciated and in a good home. I’m happy for him, but I still wish I hadn’t sold him. I don’t look down on a person who CAN sell horses…I am just self-aware enough to understand that selling isn’t for me. If that’s your situation, give yourself a break…you care and that’s admirable, and you’ve obviously sacrificed a lot to keep the horses happy and healthy. Don’t beat yourself up over that.

I have a full-time job too, and trying to manage the plate-spinning act on multiple horses is insane. I finally figured out that I can effectively (financially, mentally, time-wise) “work” one horse at a time. I own 4, and one of those deteriorates if he isn’t worked lightly several times a week. He’s sound if he’s fit…he gets sore and hates life when he’s turned out on pasture. He is half-leased at a barn with a trusted owner-trainer, and thriving in low-level lessons. I have the other half of the lease, and I take lessons on him. It means that I can’t have my “main” horse on full board right now, but really, he’s fine. Even if I don’t touch him for a year, I’ll spend, what, 6 weeks getting him back in shape? Sure, my old guy isn’t lessoning at the same level as my “main” horse, but he’s still got lots to teach me. I’m enjoying him even more than expected, mostly because coming back to him after several years shows me how much I’ve progressed as a rider! I really, really sucked when he was my full time horse! :o I suck so much less now! Even though he is a bit of a challenging ride, my lessons are REALLY rewarding, sort of a cheap ego boost. You know what? I need that right now in my life. Riding my old horse twice a week and being able to say “wow, the rider I was 3 years ago would NEVER have got him to do that” is FINE. I’m not going to the Olympics. I’m not even going to the big Jumper ring. I don’t need to be in continuous “work” as a rider…enjoying the fruits of past labour for a while is ok too. This horse isn’t “work” either, he’s “finished.” Physical limitations prevent him from moving up a level, so our lessons are really just for me, and to keep him fit. Takes a lot of pressure off me too, not having to show the horse’s progress competitively.

You’re pretty well convinced that selling/giveaway isn’t a viable option…so why not just decide that a handful of these horses are “finished?” I mean “finished” from a “work” perspective. If that means that they are unrideable…oh well. You can hopefully save some money by taking the horses off the “active” list. Routine vetting and farrier aren’t negotiable (my “main” horse still needs to be shod, ridden or not, but I figured that into my expenses) but likely some of the supplements and performance feeds can be decreased. Sale of some tack might be a possibility, blankets might be another savings. Not for all situations, but these are just suggestions. A non-working horse may be able to be perfectly happy with quite a few less luxuries than he was in work.

My old mare is my example. In regular work, she can double my feed bill. Her hooves need attention every four weeks, whereas on pasture she easily makes eight weeks between trims. Having her in “training” was getting a bit silly, she’s really surpassed her potential and is on the down slope of her career…and my “main” horse is a lot more satisfying jumper. Mare doesn’t care about being turned out, she’s hardy and fluffs right up in winter. I can still grab her once in a while for an easy ride, recognizing that she’s not fit…but we do enjoy the odd short ride or activity. Once I stopped thinking of her as a horse who needed “work,” I decided that she was “finished”…huge load off my mind. I love having her around, and pulling her into the barn for groomings/treats. She’s not in active work, or on the “show” list, so if her mane gets untidy, whatever. It can go a few weeks.

My other horse is a baby, and I did budget to have her sent to an outside trainer. She achieved enough to satisfy me in the allotted time, so I’m fine bringing her home to do nothing for a while. I’ve got my lesson horse.

[Cornerpost]

You are NOT weak! You are amazing and don’t forget that!

[HHH]

Thank you all for your wise words. The best solution for me probably is to hang in there, but lowering my ambition levels a bit. But it demands an active effort to change my thinking. Maybe I should start the process with the one or two horses that are the least “needy” of being trained. Focusing on how happy they are (and “finished” :)), rather than always seeing the potential that is wasted…

As years go by, the horses get older as well. Putting a horse down that has lived a very good life for 16-17 years probably will feel a little easier. I don’t have to make it extra tough on myself envisioning I will be overwhelmed with responsibilities for 20+ more years!

[Bluey]

Ask your Dr to recommend a counselor, they really help people in your situation to get out of their mental locks, that are making their lives so hard, as yours is.

Conselors don’t help you decide what to do itself, they give you the tools for you to then look at your situation and find a better, more balanced way around what you want, something you are not finding on your own.

I know, one of my best friends is a counselor and I have heard people sing her praise in how she has helped them.

Won’t hurt to try, seems that you have been trying much else, how about now trying to work on yourself and see where that may go?
I expect your insurance, if you are referred there by your Dr, would cover the cost.:yes:

[SMF11]

You have many many more choices than either put them down or quit your job. The real issue is your thinking, quite honestly. In order to see how you’ve put yourself in this position, and the real choices you have I would strongly suggest counseling.

Not knowing all your circumstances, I wonder if you could

-free lease some of the horses
-move some of the horses to the cheapest pasture board available

From what you’ve said so far (important disclaimer) I would totally support making some changes in your life. At this point I would not support euthanizing healthy horses simply because you can’t bring yourself to sell them. It sounds like you are stuck in a hard place, and I’d urge you to get help so you can get unstuck and make things better.

[DancingArabian]

Have you tried setting up a schedule and putting some structure into their work? Some people that have multiple horses kind of feel overwhelmed with what to do, with which horse, etc. maybe if you tried scheduling it out, including maybe one or two ‘if I feel up to it’ sessions it might be easier. That way you won’t have to face six horses everyday - you’d have a couple maybe.

[red_mares]

(Zipping flame suit)

You sound overwhelmed. You sound unrealistic. You sound like you need some help, and not in the barn.

I doubt that you are the only one who can adequately take care of any one of these horses. While your horses apparently lack for nothing, they would likely be no less happy with a bit less.

I think putting down a perfectly saleable horses is a bit silly. If they were old, infirm, nuts, or no buyers at all - no problem, kill them. Putting them down because you don’t want to work in 7 years or because they might get silver plated care instead of gold plated? Not so much.

To work yourself to the point of utter exhaustion or sickness, is frankly, dumb. (BTDT). Based on your post, your financial situation sounds self imposed. Besides the fact that you don’t want to work in 6 years is there any other reason that you don’t spend anything? Saving 55% of your income and complaining about the expense of trainer doesn’t work for me. Horses are expensive. If you can’t handle the expense, thin the herd.

Without knowing why you have this financial timeline, it sounds unrealistic. Unless you’re using them as transportation, etc. horses are a luxury. There are times when we need to rethink our priorities.

[Jealoushe]

Agree with SMF11…free lease. You can keep an eye on them, take them back whenever needed.

I know how hard it is, I have 4 and work full time. My man is military so he is away a lot. Some people find this lifestyle easier than others. Don’t burn yourself out.

[The_Crone_of_Cottonmouth_Count]

I so get where you’re coming from. I’m the sole caregiver for 3 horses. Early on in this experiment I realized there was no way I was cut out for this. So, after much guilt and stress, I ended up just letting myself off the hook. I threw up my hands, cried uncle, and turned’em all into pets. Farewell, Olympic aspirations!

Even with just the three I’m often kind of knackered by the end of the day; if I felt like I had to keep six in fighting trim – while working a full-time job – I would undoubtedly blow a lobe.

Have you considered giving your whole herd some time off while you regroup? Pull their shoes and just turn’em out. It isn’t gonna kill’em to be pasture puffs for a year. Meanwhile, maybe you’ll luck into a horse girl!

[King_s_Ransom]

Bluey is right on here – counseling is a good idea. You’ve mentally locked yourself into a very small box that does not exist in reality…only in your mind. No shame in that, we all do it to one degree or another. Some people stay in bad relationships, others stay in jobs they hate – while in truth, there are no shackles or iron bars imprisoning us in these bad situations.

Counselors excel at helping people observe their own thoughts and make healthier choices.

[Candle]

Why not put them on a rotating schedule and pony the trained ones during the week for base fitness? That way you can work three or four horses at one time like the polo players do and then have only two left to “work” that day assuming you want everyone ridden each day.

[rugbygirl]

Focusing on how happy they are (and “finished” ), rather than always seeing the potential that is wasted…

Yes. :yes:

It made a huge difference to my outlook on life when I realized that my horses are nice, but they aren’t going to set the horse world on fire. In any discipline…being honest with ourselves, there’s not a whole lot of difference at the end of the day between a Third Level Adult Ammie horse and a Walk-Trot pet. Seriously. The difference in the WORK you have to put in is enormous. Horses really don’t need to be in a state of continuous improvement, they certainly don’t fret about “lost potential.” :winkgrin:

I agree with others, I think that there is something not quite right, but it’s probably not the horses. You need to figure out why you’re creating all these unachievable standards for yourself, putting requirements on your own performance that you wouldn’t expect of anyone else (unless you do expect those things out of others…in which case, you should probably stay away from other horse people, because I don’t know anyone with a real job who can ride 12-15 times per week. For serious…that’s very, very far from being realistic for a hobbyist.)

Just one suggestion, offered in sensitivity/empathy…do you think that maybe you are setting these insane standards for your horses to give yourself a “valid” reason to avoid spending time doing something else? I have a tendency toward hermit-ism…it’s psychiatric, related to my ADHD. When I’m stressed out and my medication isn’t working as effectively, other humans just add to the NOISE. I get irritable and my tolerance goes way down…and I really hate making people feel bad, so part of the hermit-ism is rooted in trying to protect others. I feel like I’m awful, so I take myself away from my support systems. I’ll try to do anything to quiet all that noise…but my mind is still firing away uncontrollably, and in the absence of other humans, I get very self-destructive (either with my thoughts or by doing really, really stupid and risky things.) When I don’t feel like dealing with humans, my “horse obligations” suddenly become very ambitious and very inflexible. That gives me a super catch-all excuse to not have to talk to anyone in my free time. My horses are big, powerful and not all well-broke. When I’m in my ambitious/inflexible phase, it seems like I fall off a lot more. Or get kicked by youngsters that I’m now pushing too hard. Hmm. It ALSO usually means that I’m neglecting my personal relationships, or am stressed out professionally for whatever reason…and when I FORCE myself to act like a normal human and seek out some human interaction, I really do feel better.

Go out with a friend, chat only about their kids or chain mail hobby or whatever. Force yourself out of your own head. Invite non-horsey people over for horse time…share your passion in a positive way (non-horsey people don’t judge your horsekeeping and they generally listen to instructions, so you don’t have to worry about the horses.) This has been really surprising for me, how much joy I get from seeing OTHER PEOPLE enjoy my horses. It made me smile hugely to put a visitor from China up on my Hunter. She had even borrowed cowboy boots and a hat for the occasion, and she thought that hopping on him bareback was the next thing to skydiving, bad-assness-wise. I led her in a few circles and she clung to Mane and shrieked several times, and my good Hunter didn’t flick an ear. Honestly, at that moment, I realized that there was more JOY created in that moment than I’d gotten winning all the Hunter ribbons I’d fought so hard for…so, is pony-ride mount really a case of “wasted potential?” Not so much…this horse’s talent would take him to the local Jr/Am Hunters. Only. On his best day, he might pin. We could get there, training 5 times per week under a super competitive coach. I can HANDLE lessons twice a week under a coach who doesn’t hold it against me if work keeps me late 2 lessons in a row, and maybe 2 more hacks a week. We can win ribbons at little shows and give pony rides between rounds. Super competitive coach doesn’t have a line up of riders looking for Local Jr/Am mounts. Seriously. There’s lots of those.

There’s a teenage girl leasing my old Thoroughbred right now. I have a barn owner/trainer that I trust completely, and I simply could not ride this horse often enough to keep him fit. It was a hard realization, especially as I’d finally become a better rider and felt like I finally had the skills this horse deserved. I gulped and signed over his care to the barn owner, and admitted to myself that I had NEVER seen a horse in her care worked to the point of sourness, or ill, or really anything but fit, shiny and happy. I put in the lease agreement that she had authority to select riders, and set training/showing schedules. Horse does appreciate my better riding from time to time, and teenage girl makes plenty of mistakes with him…but overall? He spends an hour under saddle a day. I’m still mainly the feeder of peppermints, with the slightly more stable seat, which he rewards by not grinding his teeth so much. The massive change in my riding ability really hasn’t affected him THAT much. Teenage girl is a meticulous groomer who gets more frequent tooth grinding, but loves and appreciates horse as much as I do and is growing as a rider tremendously. Horse is shiny and happy, and I am thrilled that he gets the exercise and attention he needs. It’s hard to realize that someone else could give him what he really needed (regular, light exercise) and I just COULDN’T. I had to let go of the idea that I was the only person who would do right by this horse in order to experience the genuine satisfaction I get watching teenage girl improve with him and grow her love of horses and riding. That’s a pretty awesome achievement for a horse…I sure don’t feel like his potential is being “wasted.” He was bred to race on the flat, and flunked out of that before he turned 3!

[wendy]

collecting more animals than you can really take care of, and then feeling that you are the only person who can possibly take care of said animals, and preferring to kill the animals rather than sell/rehome to a good home sounds remarkably like the beginning of “animal hoarding” mentality.
If you are incapable of being rational about selecting a buyer, perhaps you should hire someone to sell some of your horses for you? Then it’s not you making the final decision.

[HHH]

[QUOTE=wendy;6956562]
collecting more animals than you can really take care of, and then feeling that you are the only person who can possibly take care of said animals, and preferring to kill the animals rather than sell/rehome to a good home sounds remarkably like the beginning of “animal hoarding” mentality.
If you are incapable of being rational about selecting a buyer, perhaps you should hire someone to sell some of your horses for you? Then it’s not you making the final decision.[/QUOTE]

Nja, not quite that black and white. First of all I am not even close to hoarding. I am 100% focused on not having more animals. I struggle to get fewer! The number of horses are the result of a previous relationship with shared dreams about specific use of the horses. Unfortunately I was left alone to take care of them. But the fact remains; I am all responsible for my own situation (having too many horses).

Neither do I think I am the only one who can possiblly care for them. Yes, I have a lot of criteria for who could get them, but the lack of owner transfers are MOSTLY due to lack of opportunities. I live in a small country with rather few horse people. I am not targeting top riders who can bring me fame. I just want homes that will let the horses have a good life, never let them go hungry, cold, in pain etc. I call that being responsible, not being irrational.

[HHH]

[QUOTE=SMF11;6956016]
You have many many more choices than either put them down or quit your job. The real issue is your thinking, quite honestly. In order to see how you’ve put yourself in this position, and the real choices you have I would strongly suggest counseling.

Not knowing all your circumstances, I wonder if you could

-free lease some of the horses
-move some of the horses to the cheapest pasture board available

From what you’ve said so far (important disclaimer) I would totally support making some changes in your life. At this point I would not support euthanizing healthy horses simply because you can’t bring yourself to sell them. It sounds like you are stuck in a hard place, and I’d urge you to get help so you can get unstuck and make things better.[/QUOTE]

Yes, free leasing is an option, and I’ve tried, by advertising and spreading the word, both in my own country and in neighbouring countries. I have even offered to pay all the costs and help a young rider out by coaching, but no interest.

The horses are kept at the farm belonging to a family member. I cannot make it any cheaper, I think. The horses are not currently an economic burden - but since I am so stuck in my situation I try to save as much money as I can in order to be able to quite my job (since I find no homes for the horses, and I cannot bring myself to put them down).

You are right that I need someone with a unbiased mind to help me change my focus!