Moving barns, not sure how to cut things off with my trainer

[fivestrideline]

Tbh, I’d just text her. Something nice and thanking her for all the work she’s done. “I’ve found a barn closer to school that’s going to work well with my schedule this year.” Another thanks at the end, and that it. Super simple, happens all the time, and you’re not pulling a horse or dropping a lease.

The fewer details the better. Don’t talk about focusing on school and then go post on social about buying a horse and riding every day. Trainer won’t care or notice, probably, but honesty is better - and being vague with the details is best.

[DawgLady]

I can’t believe how many people are telling you to text her. I absolutely would not do that. This is a person who has given you opportunities and instruction for six years. You are adults. You have a relationship. If I were in your shoes, I would be a grown up and have a face-to-face conversation. I would thank her for everything she’s done and explain that you need to ride somewhere closer to school for the sake of time management. That’s it. No more details. Not personal, just logistical. I have had this exact conversation before and it went fine. That trainer and I are still friendly.

[fivestrideline]

People are saying text her because it appears OP is an occasional, once a week student who neither leases nor shows. And they haven’t been riding recently at all. Most of this type of relationship has been over text, at least recently, unless the trainer is one who doesn’t do that. In which case OP would know to disregard that advice.

If I were trainer, getting a phone call or setting up a face to face meeting with a client I’ve barely seen recently would be… weird. No matter the previous relationship. A text is perfectly appropriate, especially if that’s how I communicate with everyone anyways. A card might be nice but not really necessary (and it wouldn’t change my opinion of OP at all).

[DawgLady]

Eh, different strokes. I’m not saying she has to “set up a meeting.” She can find out when the trainer has 5 free minutes and just drop by. Or, if that’s too much, she could call. But I am old school. I believe tricky conversations should be had in person. From the trainer’s perspective, I don’t think it’d be weird at all. I think it would be respectful.

[fivestrideline]

Yeah you’re probably right - depends on the trainer as a person. My coach tells everyone to text her, even if they are looking to drop by or call. Always text first, or rather just text if possible! But she’s very responsive over text. I would hope OP knows their trainer well enough to determine whether it would be appropriate to just text.

FWIW I don’t pick up the phone. Don’t call me. I’m gonna assume a call is an emergency and I’m going to drop EVERYTHING in a panic to answer. Please just text me. In fact some of my best friends I only talk to over Snapchat messaging - so maybe that’s telling

[McGurk]

Many years ago, when I was a college student, I was at a show with my new coach and my old coach was also there. (I had only been a weekly lesson student with the old coach, I was leasing a horse and showing with the new.) I felt very weird about it and was avoiding the old coach. New coach asked what was going on, I told her and she said “Go over and say hello. If he asks, tell him you’re riding with me. He’s been in business a long time, he knows that students move all the time. He’ll be happy to see you and know you’re doing well. Don’t make it weird.”

I did, and she was exactly right. Had a brief chat with old coach and enjoyed the rest of the show.

Now, this board is full of stories of weird proprietary relationships between trainers and clients, and subsequent hurt feelings. But if you expect people to act like reasonable professionals and treat them accordingly, often, that’s the way they respond.

So write that nice note to your old trainer (you’ve gotten great advice here for that) and move on happily.

[Impractical_Horsewoman]

I honestly don’t trust the mail enough to use that as the main way to break off communication. Many trainers I know seldom look through their email or snail mail regularly, or even voice mails. The card could be moldering in a pile of junk mail flyers for ages.

So yes, I’m a middle-aged person who would text. But a nice, carefully worded text, with punctuation and everything. Maybe a nice card in addition to that, but with a text you’re more certain of the person getting the message.

[AllTheCarrots]

@Bristol_Bay

Except it’s the opposite—OP is switching to part-time status at school and buying a horse. Just wants to be closer to the horse.

D’oh! That’s what I get for responding before full caffeination was in effect. Thanks for the correction, @Bristol_Bay!

I’m interested by all the folks who felt it would be somehow insulting to use the old trainer instead of the new one when horse-shopping — I didn’t consider that. My thought process was that you have Pro 1, who has seen the OP ride and develop for 6 years. And then you have Pro 2, with whom she’s just establishing a relationship. For me, it would be an easy choice — and one that avoids the potential conflict of #2 angling for the horse that might match her training fees better than it matches the rider. I appreciate the reminder about the unspoken rules!

I also blew right by the whole “cut down on school, ramp up on horses” angle, which I also agree might not be the best choice long-term. Life is long. Horses will always be there. But if you lose education momentum, it’s really, really hard to get going again. Please believe me when I say that the job/salary/hourly wage you have now may seem like riches, but life has a way of adding complexities, obligations and demands, no matter how carefully and frugally you live. Give yourself the gift of keeping your options open.

[FjordBCRF]

@DawgLady

I can’t believe how many people are telling you to text her. I absolutely would not do that. This is a person who has given you opportunities and instruction for six years

I suggested a text because that is my normal way of communicating with both trainers I have had over the years. They are busy, they both drive all over creation to go give lessons, are coaching on the weekends and travel for shows…and I don’t want to interrupt. A text gives them the space to respond back on their time as well which I know is something I appreciate.

By all means if talking with your trainer on the phone is the norm, go that route but most people I know in this world prefer texts. Face to face takes up even MORE of their time which is hard to come by if you aren’t paying for it. If you see the trainer regularly go for it, but I wouldn’t push for something like that in this case.

[floppyammy]

@FjordBCRF

@DawgLady

I can’t believe how many people are telling you to text her. I absolutely would not do that. This is a person who has given you opportunities and instruction for six years

I suggested a text because that is my normal way of communicating with both trainers I have had over the years. They are busy, they both drive all over creation to go give lessons, are coaching on the weekends and travel for shows…and I don’t want to interrupt. A text gives them the space to respond back on their time as well which I know is something I appreciate.

By all means if talking with your trainer on the phone is the norm, go that route but most people I know in this world prefer texts. Face to face takes up even MORE of their time which is hard to come by if you aren’t paying for it. If you see the trainer regularly go for it, but I wouldn’t push for something like that in this case.

I agree. I think the method of communication really depends on the age of the trainer. If the trainer is on the younger side, they probably are most used to and most comfortable with a text. Most of the young folks these days really prefer to communicate via text.

A nice card would go a long way with a trainer from the older generation.

But either way, keep it short and sweet, respectful and thankful and you will have left with a positive and gracious exit.

[Scribbler]

@DawgLady

Eh, different strokes. I’m not saying she has to “set up a meeting.” She can find out when the trainer has 5 free minutes and just drop by. Or, if that’s too much, she could call. But I am old school. I believe tricky conversations should be had in person. From the trainer’s perspective, I don’t think it’d be weird at all. I think it would be respectful.

It’s not a tricky conversation. It’s just a courtesy note to say she isn’t coming back next summer. Most students in this position just walk away and don’t contact at all.

[FjordBCRF]

@Scribbler

Most students in this position just walk away and don’t contact at all

This came as a shock to me but seems to be very much the case, even with adults! I didn’t realize at the time how appreciated my thoughtful and thankful message to her after moving barns about switching trainers really until we reconnected over the holidays.

Non communication in her world is definitely more the norm. Which is sad.

[Scribbler]

@FjordBCRF

@Scribbler

Most students in this position just walk away and don’t contact at all

This came as a shock to me but seems to be very much the case, even with adults! I didn’t realize at the time how appreciated my thoughtful and thankful message to her after moving barns about switching trainers really until we reconnected over the holidays.

Non communication in her world is definitely more the norm. Which is sad.

I dunno. I ghost hairdressers and dentists and etc.

[McGurk]

True, I ghost hairdressers, dentists, doctors and financial advisors by the time honored method of not making the next appointment.

Horse professionals are different, because the horse world is so small and insular and we’re all often at the same competition.

It’s not like you’re going to be setting in a salon or dental chair in a public place when another dentist or hairdresser walks by.

[Scribbler]

@McGurk

True, I ghost hairdressers, dentists, doctors and financial advisors by the time honored method of not making the next appointment.

Horse professionals are different, because the horse world is so small and insular and we’re all often at the same competition.

It’s not like you’re going to be setting in a salon or dental chair in a public place when another dentist or hairdresser walks by.

I expect if you were showing consistently this would be an issue. But most lesson folks aren’t.

[FjordBCRF]

I’ve ghosted hairdressers in the past, but I was never a super regular client either. I figure someone who I see once a week for lessons and have the ability to text questions/progress to in-between is a bit different than a dentist who you see a couple times a year if you’re lucky. Although my dentist is also my dad so

[candyappy]

@AllTheCarrots

But now with my classes really ramping up, I’m trying to be more efficient with my schedule —

But that isn’t true? OP is taking less classes and planning to ride more. If the new barn and the previous barn are only 30 minutes apart then the 2 trainers may be fairly well acquainted with each other. It could get messy if not wanting to burn bridges.

Most any trainer should be able to understand your need to do what is best for you at this time. Just be truthful. I personally think email and text are a tacky way to end a relationship but it seems people can’t talk face to face anymore.

[Scribbler]

@candyappy

@AllTheCarrots

But now with my classes really ramping up, I’m trying to be more efficient with my schedule —

But that isn’t true? OP is taking less classes and planning to ride more. If the new barn and the previous barn are only 30 minutes apart then the 2 trainers may be fairly well acquainted with each other. It could get messy if not wanting to burn bridges.

Most any trainer should be able to understand your need to do what is best for you at this time. Just be truthful. I personally think email and text are a tacky way to end a relationship but it seems people can’t talk face to face anymore.

I would communicate in the established way with the trainer. If you always text, then text. I don’t phone people much. A text is better than turning up in the middle of a busy day and trying to have a private talk. I would text, then maybe follow up with a thank you card and gift card.

The trainer was a huge part of your childhood and matters a lot to you. But 6 years to an adult is a blink of an eye. You grew up, you moved on. You are not that big a part of her life.

If this is primarily a junior barn, the trainer will expect students to move on. You never had your own horse, maybe trainer let you do WS rides or helped you through hard times. That’s all great. But trainer will have a new crop of tweens to mentor now. You may not be a good fit there as an adult.

Guaranteed you are overthinking this way more than the trainer will care who is likely happy to see you grown up and moving on with life. Trainer has already accepted you are out the door as an adult and saw this coming several years ago.

[LCDR]

“If I leave my old trainer she will report me to the horse industry main office and it will go on my permanent record and all the judges at shows will know about it and no one will sell me a good horse or want to give me lessons and my equestrian life will be ruined.”

Old trainer : “Name sounds vaguely familiar.”

[findeight]

Going back to what OP shared in her story, in her own words, she is “ technically not with this trainer” right now and has only lessoned with them winter and summer breaks since starting college almost 2 years ago. That would mean she has not even visited the barn in 3 months.

Given that, thinking a text is appropriate here unless trainer has been in personal contact with OP, like lunch, holiday party etc. or OP has gone to the barn just to visit in the 9 months of the year she’s not riding. Ghosting would not be any thoughtless breach of etiquette here. IMO.

IME when in similar situations ( non owning or leasing and only occasionally riding with them), the trainer I was worried about leaving was honestly polite but obviously didn’t really care. Other’s have posted similar experiences on here, trainer was just not into them.