My first big fall, a riding break, what next…

[Fun_Size]

So I’ve been at a new barn about, I don’t know, just under 2 years. First on lesson horses, then on a horse we leased off a photo and a video in October for me to start moving up again. He’s huge - maybe bigger than they let on - probably 17.2 and change and not narrow.

But he’s a good boy, young, cute, and I SO wanted it to work. I had a rough winter, aggravated my back again, had some Crohn’s issues, but thought I had it together. Planned our first show together in April, doing the low adults at 2’6”. Planned on trainer showing in the open stuff, then me taking my turn.

As the show approached, I didn’t feel ready. Sometimes we’d jump a course and I’d say “we have it!” and other days it was so challenging. Sometimes in scary ways, because - well did I mention 17.2+ and I’m 5’ tall and about 125 lbs? And although young, somewhere along the line this horse has figured out he’s big and he uses that.

But I’m stubborn and also maybe too willing to push hard because my goal has always been to be able to ride lots of different types of horses well.

Day 1 trainer rides went great. Day 2 trainer rides went great, so I did the 2nd round and THAT went great - even with a big looking 2’6” and forward lines, with it being “pro day.”

Day 3 it rained and we were in a different ring in the back. It was bad. It was muddy, I was scared, and I couldn’t get him out of the lines going away from the gate. Trainer got on after and schooled him, confirmed that wasn’t my fault.

Day 4 we were back in the “big” ring, and round 1 I chipped out of a line, but round 2 I killed it and even had a blue ribbon out of 8 horses! Day 5 - rained again but I got around round 1 for a 4th / 8. Round 2 - I don’t actually remember what happened. I lost a stirrup coming out of a line, but got it back and thought I was lined up for a great distance to the next line. All I remember is the takeoff, then “BANG” as my air vest went off, and the next thing I remember is trainers, medic, and husband standing over me and getting my air vest off. And being very wet and muddy.

Somehow I made it back to my camper, rinsed off, and then promptly went into shock. After heated blankets and hydration I was ok - ish, and we headed to urgent care. X-rays show I broke my tailbone, and but for that air vest I would have done my ribs and probably pelvis, too. PT checked me out the next day, and my pelvis is all compressed in there and the nerves got shocked, but it’s going to heal up ok. THEN I saw my GI and he’s all “oh yeah your Crohn’s is in remission but we need to fix a structure” (like a narrow spot in my intestine) so you’re out of riding for a bit.

So, now I’m freaking out about really telling my trainer all this and needing to send lease horse back, and I did, and…it didn’t go well. You hunter vets can imagine I’m sure.

I’m sore and bruised and stressed out. Obviously taking a break to heal … but then … what? Horses are a huge part of my identity. I tried another discipline and not jumping and I didn’t really enjoy it. I’ve also realized I’m priced out of even owning a hunter here - barns are like $2100-3000/ month for full care and my barn now requires 4 shows / year, and they only do A shows, no local or outreach.

I have an 8 year old on ski race team, so that’s kind of out.

You guys remember Polly the super mare? I need another one of those. A young, green horse that jumps cute and doesn’t do anything crazy…that I can actually get my leg around. So like 15-16h.

I became friends and rode with a local eventing trainer who is AMAZING - so chill, no show pressure, was making me a safer rider. Maybe that’s what I need after my break.

On here and in other groups, I’ve been told eventing world has a lot more DIY adults, that support each other, and there are levels around 3’ or under that aren’t scary.

So … what’s a broken, working mom, hunter princess to do?

I use that term kind of jokingly, while I love having groom help I don’t mind a challenging ride or working hard. I just would like to not wake up in the mud again.

Since I started riding in 2002 or so, I have never come off at a show, and never been knocked out, and never been this scared.

But for that air vest …. it would have been bad.

Horses, being a rider - that is a HUGE part of my identity. I’m just going to go be “ski mom” and ski with my kiddo for a winter, but I’m looking at next spring …

[Larksmom]

Talk to your amazing eventing person. Maybe they can find you a horse. Eventers generally don’t have schoolies I don’t think. But there are always people who want/or need to put a horse in mothballs for awhile. Then you can see about outside courses and the dark side!

[Tha_Ridge]

First of all, I’m very sorry. I know how scary a bad fall can be. But I’m not entirely following why you think eventing would be a logical next step for you in horses, except for maybe not wanting the pressure to show? To me, it sounds like you were overfaced and badly matched with a horse—not necessarily an issue that switching disciplines (especially to one where the jumps don’t fall down) would fix.

[Amberley]

Hunters is judged on the horse. While you need to ride competently there is an inherent advantage to whoever pays the most for the most suitable horse. This is why it’s the least-good discipline for people on a budget. Do the adult eq, event, do dressage, do the jumpers- anything will be cheaper than the hunters because the high priced horses are built in to the hunter competition.

I don’t understand why adult eq isn’t bigger tbh. It seems far more geared to skilled but not rich riders which is most AAs.

[Peggy]

@Amberley

I don’t understand why adult eq isn’t bigger

It’s huge in California. Lots of medals at various heights up to 3’3”. But the horses still aren’t cheap bc, in addition to the adults, you’ve got a ton of medals for the kids and they need horses too. But still cheaper than a horse that can win in the AO or even 3’ AA hunters

[Fun_Size]

No pressure to show, and ability to just jump around and do clinics, maybe go cross country and jump tiny things for fun. More affordable, and a trainer I have already clicked really well with in the past that is more about right horse for the right rider, on a realistic budget, where everyone is safe and not scared.

[Fun_Size]

No schoolies, but lots of half leases available for the same reason I have issues - scheduling and budget. Possible I could half lease something with another adult ammy and have a total blast.

[Fun_Size]

I loved Medals when I was in California. 3rd in a low adult / children’s SFVHJA medal in Santa Barbara is one of my favorite memories - and coolers - ever!

Washington not so many of those. I put a toe in a medal class and this horse was so so unsuitable for that, I was pretty bummed. I need a horse like my last one that can do all the things and just have fun and not freak me out.

[Fun_Size]

Also - I have always said I’m an anxious rider, but on the right horse I’m actually not and was even doing up to 3’3” on the mare I mentioned, including solid jumps (in the ring though) because I always thought I wanted to do Derbies.

So maybe I’m just anxious about the wrong horse! Ha.

[OverandOnward]

@Fun_Size

So, now I’m freaking out about really telling my trainer all this and needing to send lease horse back, and I did, and…it didn’t go well. You hunter vets can imagine I’m sure.

Nope, can’t imagine.

What does that mean, and how big a part of your current dilemma is it? Emotionally? Other ways as well?

You mention it, so it must matter, in some way.

[Horsegirl_s_Mom]

I hope you find a way to just have fun with a reliable (and smaller) horse.

Reading your story, I felt my stress building as you described each day of the show on this giant young horse.

You have a lot going on in your life. You’re a mom, you have some health challenges… why do you need the pressure of challenging horses, high stakes shows, expensive board and training fees…

You have nothing to prove to anyone. Lately I’ve been thinking that too many of us feel like we (or our kids) always need to be reaching for the next achievement. It should be okay to say, “For the next few years, I just want riding to be relaxing and fun.” For you, that could mean doing some fun local shows, trying a different discipline, whatever just lets you be less stressed and work horses in among your other commitments.

I heard about this book–haven’t read it, but the description resonates.

https://www.amazon.com/All-Gold-Stars-Reimagining-Ambition-ebook/dp/B0BH4KSSRS/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2WQGQ7I2I1NKU&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.BaoqSozD-D4SDE6SPqTGFJxbZ-AhwZ1uDj_xyKIc_9jccCRpR9XNII6q_sAhYshwgeVHkKza20manObVAMknXCl4Q31lBGUCsmiFMp6aeDrJ4fukZlp__34lOBG10d5nJhHmV6sf8i8HERmiInXqxW19_euL3uKiGF63RHl2Q51kt6-ANLH5kc0pLEQqm-0iYtKLjJG7QeytSOijvt6vS2B1mj3ut3OqnyN9Un8aPPg.cxTh0Tt_3uEf73J4ZyyFWL-uJd0qehDTDzLfgxZTX0A&dib_tag=se&keywords=all+the+gold+stars&qid=1713064773&sprefix=all+the+gold+%2Caps%2C158&sr=8-1

[Fun_Size]

It does. I relayed my injuries and needing to be off into the winter, and what I needed to hear was “I’m so sorry, let’s talk to owner about getting him home a little early, you heal up, feel free to come hang out / at shows and visit, and we’ll find you something perfect when you are ready.”

Instead it was more like “but the horse loves it here so much, he likes it here better than home (likely true, but home is a reputable trainer so…)”

I was too stunned to respond, also concussion, so maybe it’s a misread. And I know, it is a business relationship, but I thought maybe over the course of the following week I’d have gotten a text that said “hey are you alive” but I did not.

It’s working out but my feelings are hurt. I logically understand that’s a me problem, but there it is.

[Fun_Size]

You are 100% right - I don’t. I was a little like the frog getting boiled I think. I was totally happy bopping around on my lesson horse. And then it seems like my trainer’s business model changed, shows became a requirement, and the lesson horses went away. And I was just kind of there and got swept up.

I did a clinic last year and it’s the best riding I’ve ever done. I’d rather clinic and do skill building drills all year. I don’t need a ribbon to tell me I’m a good rider, how I feel while riding and doing challenging courses tells me that right away

[Halternatively]

My take on your post is that you are with the wrong trainer / barn. To start, leasing a horse off of a picture or video is not a great way to ensure a client’s success. A good trainer, IMO, would 1) arrange for you to try this horse or brought it in for a trial; 2) not have matched a 5’ intermediate adult with a young 17.2 horse; and 3) have been more supportive of you when you were injured.

I also bristled at your trainer’s five consecutive days of showing, but that’s another ball of wax.

I think this time in your life seems like a great time to enjoy horses and not feel pressured to compete. Find a low-key barn full of adults who like to do group lessons or trail ride, then have lunch together. Allow yourself to heal, enjoy your family. Best of luck to you!

[Fun_Size]

YES. I’ve had this underlying feeling and could not put my finger on it.

But that’s the barn I came from, where I was super happy - we’d lesson in the morning, and then go to brunch on Sundays. Usually dinner at the end of show days.

I did offer / ask if I had time to go out and try the horse before he was brought in, I could have flown out and had plenty of miles and the time to do it. But was told if we didn’t sign right away we would lose him.

Sigh. Typing it out I see I acted like someone with a lot less experience than what I have. I ignored my gut AND my brain chasing something. I appreciate this gut check more than you can imagine.

[Halternatively]

Thank you for your kind words. Being around horses, trainers, competitive barnmates, social media, the show scene … it all seems to freeze up my common sense and to make me easily distracted by shiny, pretty things. It’s taken me a long time (and several nasty concussions) to learn to slow down my actions long enough to really think about whose agenda is being served and what is really best for me. I hope you will find a great barn again and joy in riding again soon.

[Farosh]

sorry you had such a rough time.

Idk as a trainer myself I can’t imagine having a client take a big hit and being like, “oh the horse loves it here”

I don’t know what happened to you, honestly sometimes you just get unlucky in how you land from falls. Seriously I had a kid break her collar bone pretty bad because she was cantering on a pony who, honestly yes got a little faster than normal and considered bucking, but while considering bucking saw grass and decided to stop and eat. Kid flipped over and landed badly like 9/10 times this is a silly fall that a kid will laugh about. And let me tell you this pony is really really excellent and sweet he just got a little quick and propped slightly and ate grass one time out of hundreds of times he canters perfectly in the same area with even less skilled riders. Seriously I’ve had kids fall waaay harder and be completely unscathed.

If you were my client and this was a fluke fall like this, I would be talking to you a lot and saying like yeah okay this was really terrible but you were unlucky and I really don’t think the horse did anything terrible it was just unfortunate and unlucky and I think you should really let it go. If I thought it was a bad match up, I would tell you, especially if it’s a lease tbh that’s way easier IMO I know there might be some drama but I’d 100% rather deal with that drama then if I had told you to buy the horse and it was a real f up on my part drama. I don’t know your trainer but maybe they don’t think it was a bad match up, and maybe you just landed badly. Maybe it was a bad match up and trainer just likes riding the horse but I kind of doubt that like as a trainer I love riding all my horses but I would much rather you have a horse that doesn’t need schooling than one that does. Most of us have more horses than we can school in one day and your trainer probably has other things they’d rather focus on than schooling your horse

But if you like your eventing trainer, just stick with them and have a good time. I think showing is a lot of fun, I want my clients to show because I think it’s fun and exciting. Obviously I want to make money too, I have a mortgage and stuff but really at the end of the day this is my job that I do all day every day and I want to have a good time doing it and it’s more fun for me personally to teach people who want to compete. It’s fun and I really REALLY enjoy a nice round even just over cross rails. Every trainer has a different goal for their students and if showing is not your thing, just enjoy your lower level eventing. It’s super super fun!

[Fun_Size]

Totally get it - and I’ve fallen off before, although never at a show, and I’m always the one that comes up laughing at myself, because usually - 99% - it’s my fault. This was a culmination of 5 days of me fighting it out after struggling for months. But that’s how my brain works - I have always thought “never the horse’s fault, be a better rider.” But lately it’s been more bad days than good, and I’m just too pressed for time to have it be that, if that makes any sense.

I didn’t put this in my OP, but my time off for medical runs past the end of my lease term, so you can imagine how that response felt with those facts. Kind of a bummer.

And I LOVE showing, when I feel ready. I like showing and winning even more, I’m wildly competitive. But this one scared the pants off me.

[dmveventer]

OP you don’t say how much time has passed since the show, but you may need to sit on this for a few weeks and let the initial shock wear off before you make any major decisions. Your post is a little all over the place and I can just feel the anxiety, which is totally fair after what sounds like a major fall and a lot of stress leading up to it. I think there are a few separate issues being conflated here, and we’re probably missing some background info that’s driving the jump from one bad fall to a complete discipline change.

The main issue I see here is that your lease horse was totally unsuitable for you. Someone moving up from lesson horses does not need a huge green horse that they’ve never sat on before, that’s crazy. Even experienced adult amateurs are generally not going to be comfortable buying or leasing without a trial unless there’s a trusted trainer involved. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with admitting a particular horse isn’t a good fit for you, or not a good fit at that particular time. It doesn’t make you less of a rider. For a one-horse adult amateur it’s just not worth being miserable in the relationship when there are so many other horses out there. Being the kind of person who can ride anything is built from getting saddle time on a bunch of different horses and slowly expanding your comfort zone, not sticking it out on something that scares you just because you don’t want to admit defeat.

I also agree with @OverandOnward that no, I cannot imagine why it would be necessary to freak out about telling your trainer about ending your lease and assume they’ll react poorly, especially with the added detail that you won’t be cleared to ride until after your lease term ends. That should have been a simple “I won’t be able to get back on before he goes home anyway, I’d like to exercise the early return clause and get him off my payroll.” If you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around this trainer and aren’t getting the support you need as a client, you might be right that it’s time to move on.

That said, you should also consider whether you’ve been clear in telling trainer what you want and what your goals are - I get the sense from your post that you may have been overselling your abilities or pushing yourself past your limits in the name of being “the kind of rider who can ride anything.” It’s really common for adult amateurs to have a hard time reconciling that their riding goals and abilities may have shifted from when they were younger, so that may be where you find yourself now. It would be totally reasonable for you to decide you want a steadier horse right now so you can really improve your own skills and make progress, and then maybe later when the timing is better you could revisit the idea of training something green.

On whether you should switch disciplines - as someone who switched from hunters to eventing, I’ll say that if you genuinely enjoy the hunter ring then eventing is probably not going to do it for you. It’s a different way of riding and thinking about things. You should also know that “under 3’ jumps” has a very different meaning when you’re rolling around a x-country course than it does in the ring. Once you factor in terrain, speed, and solid height/spread some of those BN fences can look pretty imposing. There are a lot of other options that are cheaper than A circuit hunters without doing a complete discipline overhaul, so if you’re generally happy in the hunter ring I’d probably look for a less competitive H/J barn first before throwing in the towel on the discipline.

All that said, eventing is super fun if you’re into that kind of thing. Eventers are much more laid back and cross-training is always good for people, so if you need somewhere to decompress for a while and want to give something new a try, I say go for it. You might find that you didn’t actually didn’t enjoy the hunters as much as you thought you did and thrive on the new challenges (as I did), or you might decide to go back but find a better program than what you’re in now. Just make sure if you decide to dabble in eventing that you lease something STEADY that can show you the ropes. Even the lower levels of eventing can be dangerous, you absolutely do not want to overreach here.

[Tha_Ridge]

OP, your additional posts gave a lot more context, so thank you for that.

Firstly, add me to group who thinks your trainer’s response was entirely inappropriate and that alone would have me wanting to pack my bags. I had a fall in the last class at a show about a month ago (entirely rider error, so not “scary” to me in the sense that I know exactly what I did and will not be making that mistake again, LOL), but I did hit my head pretty hard. Not only was my trainer about to keep me from driving home, he texted me multiple times over the next few days to see how I was feeling.

You are very clearly overmounted and it seems, have one of those trainers who has a horse in the barn that they like, rider confidence and ability for it be damned.

Like others have said, take some time to rest and heal your body and mind and then re-enter with a clear head, but it does not sound like your current trainer and horse will be what you should return to.