Adding my vote to those who don’t think you need a discipline change when you heal up and are ready to ride again, just a barn/trainer change.
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OP… are you me???
Seriously, down to the Crohn’s disease, I related to so much of your post.
I am working through a lot of the same issues as you. All I can offer as advice is - don’t continue to push yourself until you are burned out from riding completely. That is the point that I am at. My young green horse that I took a fall from (one of many, unfortunately) is for sale. Once he sells I am taking a major step back. I will be looking into a half lease at a barn that is more laid back and fun. Trail rides, cow sorting, etc. I am burned by and burnt out from the hunter/jumper world and the model it is moving towards.
Also, I think from what you shared, your trainer’s responses have been very much lacking. The fact that she didn’t once check in on you is unacceptable to me, and speaks volumes.
Here is my thread if you want to read it. Some similar challenges, some different. Just know you are not alone!
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This again 
If you got a spoiled piece of meat at the grocery would you expect an apology from the grocery?
(,Okay, maybe you’d get one 
)
Client/Trainer is a BUSINESS relationship.
Put your feelings away & reevaluate this Pro.
Her direction changed - the required shows you mentioned - yours has not.
IIWM (& it has been, long, long ago) I’d go with the Event Pro & a horse you’re comfortable on at least 90% of the time. < They’re still horses, so…
Keeping in mind XCountry means outside an arena & fences that, while frangible, don’t come down like Hunter ones.
But with the right horse & the right Pro, you can tootle along at lower levels & have all the fun you want.
While it’s been decades since I Evented, I sure found Eventers a lot more welcoming than Hunters or Dressage - both of which I’d done @ low levels for years.
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It’s not the discipline that’s the problem - it’s your trainer. I’ve had bad eventing trainers and fabulous hunter trainers, and vice versa. You were overmounted, over faced, and it sounds like your anxiety and physical ability isn’t matching up with your brain - this is SO COMMON with adult amateurs (and especially people with kids). Your trainer should have realized this, as it’s not a bad thing! It’s just reality, and makes matching you with an appropriate horse even more important.
To be honest, the anxiety I could feel coming through your post doesn’t make me think “this person would LOVE eventing”. Eventing does not tolerate mistakes, even at the “lower levels”. The risks are much much higher. I know someone who broke their back at Tadpole on an honest horse, safety vest and all 
. Riding is risky no matter what, but terrain and fixed jumps make it just a bit riskier. Eventing is FUN and usually a great crowd - but so are most of the hunter barns I’ve been with.
Take a break, OP. Maybe see if that eventing trainer has some half lease or schoolmaster leases in the works once you’re cleared. No harm in trying. But I think you’d be far happier in a HJ barn that does smaller stuff and focuses on horsemanship and safety. My 2 cents, worth what you paid!
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Eventing does have a multitude of DIY adults, yes. And even Starter (the level below Beginner Novice, which is 2’7" max height - I think Starter is 2’3"?) is now being offered at many recognized shows. Plus there are often quite a few schooling show level events, combined tests (dressage+stadium only), hunter paces, and other assorted lower-key showing options that start at the groundpole/crossrails level.
Frankly I think you would do just fine with this eventing trainer. Nothing says you are required to even go school XC, let alone show. You could just as easily do lessons and ride at home, schooling over regular stadium jumps, and opt out of the other stuff if you aren’t feeling confident. You sound like you can be a confident rider on the right horse, so find the right trainer and the right horse!
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In addition to what has been said your mind might be thinking of the rider you were back when you had that mare, not the older version you are now. There are a number of threads dealing with this, its quite common and hard to admit to yourself. The truth is the older version of you is not physically or mentally what you were back when you would ride and do anything. The perfect horse for you at 20 is not right at 35 or 40+.
Pretty sure you are trying to convince yourself you Have to succeed with this giant Greenie or feel a failure plus disappoint your trainer. Change that mindset, its BS you tell yourself.
On the trainer front, as I read this, got the impression this was your trainer in the past when you had that mare? And trainer recently changed her business model to focus on showing? Sounds like the trainer you have had is not suitable for you anymore, her program no longer fits your needs and you don’t fit into her current operation. Not to mention totally lacking sympathy for your injuries…selfish much?
Wait a bit, maybe explore some other options. Maybe something without jumping? Do some soul searching, you do not have to prove anything to anybody, including yourself. Know quite a few who finally realized they did not really relish jumping anymore and went into other aspects of the sport. The bonus there is they are not as expensive but just as social, maybe more so.
Not a trainer but would never have matched your 5’ adult rerider self with a giant Greenie from far away with no test ride, if at all. Wherever you decide to go, find a trainer who does have your safety and best interests in mind and let them match you up with a suitable lease horse, like a 12yo QH cross,
And ask yourself “Do I love being around horses and riding or do I want to jump”? Do what makes you happiest, not what you dread. Think about it.
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As a hunter and jumper rider who has had a few inappropriate mounts over the years, has a bit of ‘bad fall/show anxiety’, and has friends/family who event… eventing is not for you based on what you’ve typed out here! Making the switch to E from HJ takes a bold, forward rider ok with missing a distance, trusting your horse to make safe decisions, jumping out of stride, not micromanaging to the jumps, not having a trainer ride your puffed up, excited about the warm up horse to settle it. Even the clinics and schooling are for the independent, self-sufficient rider. For older adults, that can be a tough challenge to make the change. I, for one, could not. Maybe you can? Only you know for sure that that’s what you could handle.
If I read your post correctly, you are in WA now? Based on pricing you posted, I’m guessing you are in the Sound area. That can be tough to find a program that does the Outreach level, and there just aren’t a ton of schooling shows there, either.
My advice, having suffered a catastrophic shoulder/arm/rib/scapula fracture situation landing in an oxer 13 years ago? Take the time off! Send the too big, too young lease back. Find a different program and start on a lesson horse again, to gain your confidence back. Forgive yourself for making the errors you did-- we are all human. Take the time to find a lease that actually fits your size, skill and needs. You know what wins a round? Safe, steady, accurate and rhythmic.
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You need to see a sports psychologist. I get the feeling you aren’t actually sure WHY you ride other than it is some form of identity.
I’ve broken my tailbone riding a bucking youngster bareback. I have crashed where I was convinced I was about to be killed.
Why do I do this? Because it is about fun and love of doing something with a partner I’ve trained and worked with every day of my life. I know what I do is high risk but I spend every day training, getting better and stronger to manage those risks.
In our safety work for eventing years ago we found that riders who actually spend the time riding were the safest riders even if they fell more. They were fit, had the instinct to balance, they responded quickly to adverse situations.
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These two statements are so important that they bear repeating.
As an older adult, it took me two bad falls within less than a year, both resulting in hospital stays, to get these concepts pounded through my thick skull. 
I still ride, still jump, and still show in the hunters, albeit over what some here would call tiny baby fences. 
I do it with a good trainer, a suitable horse, and I’m having a great time.
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I broke my tailbone and got pretty injured. If I saw one of my clients get injured, regardless of cause, I’d check on them.
In fact I have done. One of my clients was injured on a job site - not life threatening - and I texted him to check in a few times. Because, while of course, that’s a business relationship, I still wanted to check in on him and see if there was anything I could do on my end.
That’s all. I found it odd. At my last barn, when my mom passed away, my trainer checked on me. When other riders had tough times, or bad falls, we texted.
I didn’t know this was so odd and unexpected behavior. Now I know.
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You are 5’ tall. You just had a bad, bad fall off a horse who is almost 6’ high.
When you start riding again you NEED to ride a much, much smaller horse, say 13.2 to 15 (41/2’ to 5’ high). If and when you fall off the smaller horse you won’t hit as hard, believe me.
Your feet will be in the proper position to give clear and understandable aids to the horse. Your legs/heels on the 17.2 HH horse were nowhere near where the legs act the most effectively. This might be part of the reason why the horse got the idea (accurate idea) that he was stronger than you. IF a weak rider gives proper legs aids in the proper place on the horse’s barrel at the correct moment in the horse’s stride their aid is so much “stronger” than if the aid is given in the least sensitive part of the horse’s barrel.
There are quite decent riding ponies out there, ponies with the freedom of shoulder that a horse has for extension. There are several smallish breeds of riding horses, Arab, Morgan, small QHs, even small TBs, they are around and some of them are even decently trained. Since the rider can give effective leg aids on these smaller horses these horses tend to (yeah, I know-horses) obey more readily, and their obedience can be quicker.
You will be able to mount without help. You will be able to dismount safely. It is possible, if you are a good rider, that you discover that riding a “sports car” sized equine is A LOT OF FUN!!!
I have ridden horses from 12.2 to 18.2 HH. I have much more FUN on equines who are 13.3 to 15 hands high, and the smaller the horse the more fun I tend to have since my legs ARE in the right place to communicate effectively with the horse.
They are also quite capable of jumping 2’6" usually if you desire to jump.
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I’ve got one. I ride because I love it, and it makes me happy the way no other sport ever has, and I’ve done many. I also ski, kayak, hike/backpack, and bike. But none make me happy the way a fun, challenging, but well put together round of jumping does.
I am for sure taking a break, not just because my injury demands it, because I need it. And then we’ll see. My anxiety while riding was pretty much gone riding and showing the school horse. It never existed on previous horses. I think this was my gut warning me, and I ignored it trying to (stupidly) prove something.
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My worst falls were off of smaller horses. I broke my tailbone when I was nine falling off my Shetland pony when he spooked out from under me and I was only a few feet from the ground. The quietest horse and confidence builder I ever owned was 17 hands after my 15.3 hothead. Not that either ever tried to offload me, the 15.3 mare had me concerned a few times, the 17 gelding, never!
A more appropriate horse with more miles under it’s belt and a better instructor would be my suggestion. OP, please tell your coach the lease is going back, you can’t ride him and don’t want to pay for what you can’t use since you’re currently on stall rest. If he’s that great I’m sure she can find someone else to lease him.
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Agree, that was my last 2 horses. The best was just barely 16h, and she was amazing - absolutely like a sports car. And no problem getting down the lines. I rode her for almost 5 years and jumped bigger than I ever had and wasn’t scared for one second, ever. I agree - I’m the height limited one from now on!!
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What actually happened? Your post doesn’t say why you fell off. Did he stop? Jump you out of the tack?
Either way, I don’t think a horse that big should have a hard time getting down the lines. It sounds like your anxiety was making you ride backwards and then he didn’t have enough power to get out of bad spots and lost his own confidence.
Not the right horse for you. Playing around with eventing could be just the ticket/. Be careful who you clinic with, though….they often push people well out of their comfort zone. I signed up for starter once and we were jumping Prelim XC by the end. I was terrified!
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I hear what you are saying. The place / trainer I am thinking of does a lot of foundational dressage and jump lessons in the ring. Going cross country is strictly optional for when you, and the trainer, thinks you are ready.
My area seems to have lots of cool tracks with tiny things to jump to get your feet wet, that’s what I was thinking of. I’ve realized recently that, on the right horse, I’m not scared at all and enjoy a much more forward ride. I don’t love the kick ride horses all that much. In fact, my lesson horse was a TB that had a “cool weather” version of himself that I absolutely had a blast riding - and I’ve done some of my best riding ever on him, coursing around at more of a jumper pace. Before I had my son, I had just started doing some jumper rounds and loved that way more than I thought I would.
And maybe that’s the answer - I had come so far, and this big, green horse set me way back but my brain wouldn’t accept that.
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It was mud. It was jump 4 in the course, I had pace, I was getting the strides in the lines just right (I only had the chip the one time a couple days before, and I just came in soft not knowing if he was going to land wild or what).
We came out of the corner nice and straight to the next line, his front feet left the ground, and he saw the mud puddle. So he changed course and jumped the jump diagonally, right to left, and I continued straight - and down into the mud, landing on my hip. It was like being dropped out of the sky.
A smaller horse, my leg would have been down around its barrel more and I would have gone with the horse. Here, it just basically flipped me right off.
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That’s a good point too re: overselling my abilities. I’ve been with this trainer almost 2 years though, riding 2-3x / week, with my goal basically being “I’d like to do the 3’ again someday if we find the right horse, but really just want to be a better rider.”
So I don’t think I could have oversold me while riding at the same place for that long?
The mare I mentioned was one I had before I took a break to have my son, different trainer, I’d love to move back there but I moved out of state
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My mother recently had a fall which could be summarized as “and then physics occurred.” That also appears to describe what happened here.
I also think it makes sense to sit quiet for now and do your decision-making when you have a little more distance. However, there’s a reason that the physical suitability of horse and rider should be considered when making a match. When you can get your leg around a horse, you have more leverage to stay on. If you’re perched up there like a soda bottle on a wave, the odds are that you can get tossed around like one, too.
I wish you a smooth and uncomplicated recovery, and a fun-sized sports car of a horse (or a slab-sided leggy beastie) when you get back in the saddle.
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Sooo I would seriously consider talking to the Eventing trainer once you feel ready to get back in the saddle.
In my experience, eventers are the best for both understanding fear and anxiety, and NOT trying to force their clients to do what THEY want them to do. If you just want to get your confidence back for a while in the ring, great, no pressure to show. If you want to just chill out and have some “lessons” out on the trails for a bit, excellent, their event horses always need to go on hacks anyways. If you want to try a show again but aren’t really wanting to do XC, awesome, there’s a bunch of schooling shows where they can also work on their dressage or SJ with their eventers to clean up those phases more. If you are feeling braver and more confident and think you might like to try xc, sweet, let’s start on learning to ride terrain and then we can go schooling somewhere with beginner friendly questions. And if you want to get the show experience without showing yourself, tagging along to horse trials as a groom, videographer, extra set of hands is a TON of fun and the help is always appreciated.
I think you would have a lot of fun finding your joy again with the eventer. Just be up front about what happened and what you need.
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