She sounds like a great person! I think you should take her up on that offer!
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Wow! I can so relate to all of this. Broken back. Human mom. Horse goals. All of it. But hey! Monroe last week was my first time after all of that finally moving back up to the jumps I was at before. Don’t lose hope. And yay for airvests!!
I’d love to chat more! I know you’re in my area from previous posts and also the muddy wet ring was an indicator 
(our horses were not going well at Monroe inaugural week either! That back ring is no joke!).
PM me! We have this in my barn. I’ve been riding her this past week and her owner has two others that she just doesn’t need a third. She is so fun, I’m 5’8” and feel like I’m riding a pony. Come get your horse!
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I think this is both the wrong trainer and wrong horse for you, OP.
When you’re feeling ready to get back into the saddle, if I were you, I would talk to the Eventing trainer, even if i you have zero interest in actually riding XC. I’m a hunter, my horse is very much a hunter, but I take half my lessons with a 5* Eventer. Most of the ringwork is the same, certainly at the basics level, and the coach does not expect us to go around looking like anything but hunters. And IME most eventing coaches also do some straight dressage or straight jumper showing, which would give you the opportunity to show occasionally at something that isn’t an event. Honestly I think a good coach/trainer is the most important part of the equation, regardless of discipline, so start there.
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In support of this: in a barn with 21 stalls, I’m one of three eventers and one of the other two is my trainer (who has ridden at the 5* level). Everyone else is some mix of hunters/jumpers/dressage, but we all hack out, some mix of us goes to H/J and pure dressage shows, and some of the H/J crew even come out XC schooling and enter mini trials with us when they feel like it. We all get along great and this is the most low-stress barn I’ve ever been at even though I’ve had to deal with horse and personal injuries over the past year and I’m now showing more than I ever have.
Even if you don’t want to event, OP, there can absolutely be a place for you in an eventing barn. Most of us don’t really care what you’re doing as long as you can look after yourself and don’t bring the stereotypical hunter world drama along with you. Our barn rules are literally 1) clean up after yourself, 2) someone lives here so don’t be at the barn in the middle of the night unless there’s an emergency, and 3) don’t start drama. No set hours, no dress code, no expectation to show, just ride consistently (unless you’re hurt or pregnant or something, we’re not that strict) and look after the barn like you’d want someone else to look after it if you owned it.
I was with a H/J trainer through college and it broke me psychologically (there was a very real possibility of me quitting riding entirely) but being back in eventing world went a long way toward helping me find my peace again even if I haven’t run above Starter since I was literally twelve. Obviously every discipline has some… special people in it, but from my experience eventers tend to have more camaraderie and just generally be more welcoming regardless of whether you want to jump sticks outside of the arena or not, so it’s not the worst place to rebuild confidence and figure out what you actually want to be doing.
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We’re in kind of the opposite situation to you–I’m one of two hunters at what is basically an Eventing barn (though we also have two DQs). Our Hunter trainer comes in monthly to teach the two of us, a few of the eventers have done lessons with her, I went derbycross schooling with the eventers and popped over some little Starter coops and rolltops. It’s low stress and fun. I do not think the eventers would care if I ever went to a show. It’s increasingly tough to find a multi-discipline, supportive adult barn like these, which is a real shame. I would rather be the “odd discipline out” with a supportive group than part of a high pressure group that didn’t work with my goals for me and my horse.
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That situation sounds amazing! Maybe that’s why I’m so weirded out by the whole thing. I show up twice a week on time, I’m always around to help out, I love to go to shows even if I’m not showing and be the designated water bottle holder, or horse holder so people can take bathroom / lunch breaks, I love coming out for clinics and being ring crew. I spent this whole week at the show just really wanting to hang out with fellow horse people, and got nothing. Ok, other than super cool ring steward I made friends with, turns out we went to high school right next to each other, he was great.
I’d love to find a community again, not just a place to ride <3
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It’s a way to keep the horse in the barn, and not on the trainer’s bill.
Have seen this before. It’s awful. The trainer doesn’t care that they are burning a client, if they have other clients who are their true focus.
The trainer knows the horse is not right for this particular client, and doesn’t care. They are keeping the horse to eventually go to another client, or to join their own string, or to sell … later, when it is a better time for that move. They figure that later they can fix the mistakes the current lease client is making with the horse.
Hypothetically speaking, of course.
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Yeah, we’d love to have someone like you around!
And fwiw, I think that whether or not a trainer checks on you when you’re hurt or out for a while for some reason is a huge sign of their character. I’ve been seriously hurt twice while riding under my current trainer. Neither was her fault in any way but I’m just going to share her response to both as a bit of a compare and contrast for your situation.
The first was almost fifteen years ago (I was in middle school, I’ve known her a long time)—I was in a lesson, the lesson horse’s front legs gave out, he collapsed, and I hit the ground headfirst. Broke nothing other than my brain with that one, lol, but the barn owner (who owned the horse and administered the lesson program) told her not to call my parents (somehow that was equivalent to accepting responsibility/opening the door to being sued?) and that she’d be fired if she did. She called anyway to make sure I was alright. I did leave that barn after that because the owner was (clearly) a real piece of work, but I saw my trainer at a show the following summer and was told “If you ever need anything, horse-related or not, I want you to call me.”
In the intervening years I picked the wrong trainer to ride with and nearly quit riding entirely (as previously mentioned), and she went and ran around the Kentucky 5* for the first time before everything aligned for our paths to cross again on the training front a few years ago. Last year my horse was injured and on six weeks of stall rest aside from a 30-minute tack walk every day. He built up a tolerance to the sedatives that he was on, spooked while I was leading him to the arena to get on, wheeled around, and nailed me square in the ribs with a hind foot.
I ended up with a broken rib and liver laceration, and spent a few days in the hospital. I was fully prepared to ask my friend to swing by and prep my horse’s supplements, and was also fully prepared to pay my trainer extra for the things I wouldn’t be able to do, and she wouldn’t let me do either. She walked my horse for me every single day for two weeks until he was cleared for turnout, she prepped his supplements, she prepped his meds, she sent me updates and checked in with me pretty much every day, and she didn’t charge me a single extra dollar for any of it even though she had a full lesson/training horse schedule and is a one-woman show with the barn work most of the time. One of the other boarders told me that she had offered to do the supplements one day and my trainer’s response was “I don’t mind, she’s a good kid. Besides, it’s kind of relaxing.”
I’m in my late 20s, I’m not a kid, but to her I think I always will be. She’s been exactly like this for the entire 17 years I’ve known her, and she has my loyalty not because she introduced me to eventing (though that certainly helps) but because this is the kind of person she is. This is the kind of person that everyone deserves to learn from and the kind of environment that we should all be able to be in. I joke to people that I maintain a healthy level of fear where she’s concerned, but it’s not because I’m afraid of her, it’s because I respect her so much that I’m terrified of disappointing her somehow (which is very hard to do for anyone who just shows up and tries). The bar is on the floor for so many trainers because their clients don’t have another point of comparison to know better/expect more, and those trainers still somehow manage to crawl under it. It’s not wrong to want your trainer to care about your wellbeing and being made to feel like they don’t (especially in situations where something serious has happened) is a core ingredient for a negative environment.
I hope you find your place and your people. I didn’t think I could love the whole horse thing this much again after my toxic training situation but once I found my place it came very quickly, and I want that for everyone else too. We all deserve it.
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I’ll echo those who have said you need to use this time to find a barn that is a better fit for you. Whether it is an eventing barn or a lower key H/J barn, unless you are in a competition wasteland, there are options that will fit you better.
When I first started back as an adult, the first barn I was at was not a good fit at all. I was there for less than a year and moved to a place that was a much better fit for my confidence level and needs at the time.
While in some ways this is true, at the end of the day, horse boarding/training is a SERVICE industry. With a huge price tag attached to it for your clients. You can’t just treat it like a grocery transaction. There are feelings involved, on both sides. If the pro were being a REAL professional, they would never try to guilt a client into keeping a leased horse “because he likes it here”. A client who has expressed her business wishes - terminate the lease. With clear reasons - she’s not comfortable with this horse, never really has been, she’s going to need to be off the horse for months dealing with medical issues, etc…
(and yes, I’d expect an apology from my grocer if they sold me a spoiled piece of meat)
If the trainer said “hey, I’ve got client X that is looking for a lease ad I think they could be a good fit, maybe we can transfer the lease?” that would be a different manner.
The not calling/texting to check on OP doesn’t really bother me - some people just do not have a brain that works that way and would not expect someone to call/check on them, so does not occur to them to do so.
One thought that does come to mind - OP - how nice is this horse? How did he place with the pro on board? Is your trainer pissed that they are losing out on a nice ride on your dime while you heal? Ar they hoping you’ll keep the horse in training so they have another nice horse to ride/show? It’s one of the things I can think of for the offhand “Dobbin likes it so much here” comment.
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Yes, absolutely possible, if your trainer wasn’t paying close attention and you were putting on a brave face instead of being clear when you were out of your comfort zone. Unfortunately a lot of trainers just aren’t that intuitive to their human clients’ needs, and even plenty of good trainers have to be reminded that their threshold for anxiety is different from their ammy clients. Your nerves may not be visible to your trainer but they definitely impact your horse and how you ride, and need to be accounted for in order to truly address the problem. I’m someone who is very good about putting on a good front when I’m unsure about something, so I do sometimes have to stop and be explicit with my instructor that something is bothering me. Having a coach I 100% trust to say “OK let’s back it up a step” or “no, you can definitely do this” is super important to me too. It doesn’t sound like you have that right now.
In a similar vein, I actually disagree with this. You don’t have to be a bold, forward rider to event successfully. I definitely don’t consider myself a particularly brave rider. I’m not a nervous or anxious rider either, but I do have a healthy respect for the inherent risks of the sport. What I really love, and suits me about the discipline, is how much thinking is involved. I make up for my lack of boldness with strategy, critical thinking, and deliberate preparation. There’s just nothing in any ring-based discipline that requires the same mental toughness required for eventing, and I love it. You have to be able to think independently and adapt on the fly when Plan A doesn’t work out, and think through and then remember to execute plans B, C, D, etc in a split-second decision without getting flustered. You may have to account for things that were impossible to foresee when you made your plans and just figure it out as you go. All this while dealing with the physical and mental drain of riding three different phases in one day. If you do get nervous (which eventers do, just like everyone else!) you have to be able to put your ego aside and own it and address it properly. Sometimes that means reminding yourself that you’re prepared and capable and going ahead, sometimes it means scratching from an event you were looking forward to or looking a little wimpy while all your friends are jumping the bigger jumps. Making the right decision here is so important, because the risks are greater in eventing than other disciplines, even at the lower levels.
OP, if any of this resonates with you eventing might be a good fit, at least temporarily. It’s a great community and people are more focused on developing solid skills and riding well than on showing and moving up the levels. I stand by what I said earlier though - if you truly love the hunter ring you should try to find a better situation to keep doing that. You won’t hit the same notes in eventing, it’s just too different.
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He’s a pretty nice horse. On the “pro” days, he placed 2nd and 4th with my trainer, and 3rd and 3rd with me (day 2) out of a group of 9 horses. On the rounds I nailed, I was always in the top 3, if not 1st. He’s got the scope to do the 3’ and trainer had been hinting he could be my A/A horse, which is what I was doing before my “kid break” and I think I got so excited about that I ignored red flags, too. He probably would be a GREAT horse with maybe 2 show seasons of nothing but a trainer and an adult sitting on him, I just don’t have the means (or the desire, really) to bankroll that.
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It sounds right up my alley. I love very technical, strategic riding. I love a twisty jumper course, because, at least below the 1m, I’ve found those can be won based just on a great, creative track ridden forward without any wild galloping. I also love a nice jump out of a forward canter, it just makes me happy. I miss having a horse with her own motor (that was Polly). We could have a chill canter, a “big” canter, or we could really fly (in a safe way). I do miss that.
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Then my best advice is to do it, but find a steady-eddie type to learn the ropes on. You don’t need your previous mare, you don’t need young or green, you don’t even need a horse with it’s own motor. Establish the foundations first on something that will cover for you when you screw up and allow you to get used to things like riding over terrain and jumping solid obstacles without adding any complications on their end. Those small jumps seem simple enough until you realize you’ve never actually cantered down a hill before, let alone with a jump in the middle, and it’s going to be more of an adjustment than you expect (speaking from experience - I almost fell off the first time I cantered through a small dip on the way to a jump without anticipating how much the terrain would be an obstacle in itself, felt pretty stupid at the time but learned my lesson).
What you’re talking about with your mare is something that gets built with time and consistency. You may need to spend some time rebuilding your own skills and confidence before you’ll be prepared to build that partnership with your next mount. Just because you aren’t riding the same horses you would have ridden before your break RIGHT NOW doesn’t mean you won’t get back there, but trying to rush back to the rider you were before is not going to set you up for success either.
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THIS!
Don’t get me wrong, I love eventing! But it is not to be underestimated, especially if you’ve rarely ridden outside an arena. I don’t even have a flat place to ride right now, but I do find myself intentionally cheating to avoid “doing it the hard way” and always coming at something going uphill. Terrain takes just as much practice for you AND the horse as anything else.
Definitely try the eventing trainer as it sounds like y’all might mesh well, but make sure you’re doing it on something unbelievably safe. A pocket rocket may sound better than the dinosaur, but seriously stress that you need something that’s going to tell you “lady you’re crazy” and gently roll to a stop vs leave from anywhere you say. Because I think you may be surprised when you get back on at just how much you need that confidence from the horse.
Good luck, no matter what! Trust your gut, and try to listen to those red flags. You’ll soon be able to parse out what’s anxiety and what’s just self preservation.
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Trainer/friend (yes, we crossed this line) once gave me this invaluable piece of advice:
“Clients enable the trainer”
To return to my grocery analogy:
If you kept getting spoiled goods, even with the apology, would you still shop there?
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Don’t mistake me - I’m not shopping there anymore. This was my first hypothetical purchase…
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I full-heartedly agree, I was thinking why would this trainer put you in this position. You sound so rational in all your explanations, and how even more normal to be extremely cautious after such a traumatic event! (And don’t let any biased party tell you otherwise)
As an eventer myself, I do think safetly is such a huge proponent in our training. Our sport can be dangerous, so trainers have to focus so much on your balance, position, having the right match in horse/rider before you can go out on xc to yourself. Those skills, i think would be highly beneficial to help you feel more comfortable in whatever path you decide to go on.
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Well, then shame on the trainers that take advantage of the client in a unprofessional manner. They are the professionals and should be teaching their clients how a quality program works, not looking for ways to take financial advantage.
Many of those clients are facing their first foray into horse ownership as adults and don’t know that all barns are not like that. As a professional, it is the trainer’s responsibility to have the client’s and horse’s absolute best interest as the end goal.
There are owners out there that just want the pleasure of owning nice horses and seeing them do well in the ring with a pro in the tack. But it’s the scummy trainers that take advantage of unknowing clients that give professional show barns a bad name.
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All of this is true, and also the way eventing is set up there’s just not as much financial incentive to have a client dependent on them in the same way the hunters encourage. Trainers can’t get on in warm-up or do a few pro divisions before the ammy shows up on the weekend. If they want to get clients out showing they need those clients to be capable of doing it themselves.
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Between this and the comment about “the horse loves it here” it makes me think your trainer has wanted this horse in the barn, got the opportunity to lease it, and needed to find someone to do the lease. Given that, I would consider going back to the trainer and saying if they want to keep the horse in the barn, they can find someone else in the barn to take over your lease. Otherwise (assuming your lease agreement permits it), the horse should go back to the owner.
Sorry you had to learn a painful lesson! Never let a trainer pressure you into signing onto a horse you haven’t even tried, short of it being a training relationship where you are 100% sure your trainer is good with the matches and is dialed into exactly what you need. The match is too important!!
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