My "friend" doesn't like my trainer... Long post! (Update, post 58)

This leads me to suggest a bit of a different angle. I agree that your response was just right, and it seems like you might have gotten through to her. I’d give her one more shot, if she texts you again about going out. Not that the rest wouldn’t bother me as well, but she may just be a kid who doesn’t realize that it’s right to offer / be grateful. I can think of some things I did in my early 20s that I would do very differently. :wink: You could even respond to her text next time by saying “sure, come along. your turn to cover the tolls!” or something similar.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do!

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Can confirm.


Your trainer is fine, and clearly capable of being direct but professional. Don’t worry about your trainer. I guarantee this is not her first rodeo.

For you, keep it short and simple. If she starts up, just say, “That’s a shame; I think this trainer is good. I love what she does with me.” If she continues complaining, just say, “Really? Well maybe another barn would be a better fit, in the future. Let’s switch to talking about something positive.”

You already know she’s insecure, self-absorbed, and not as into riding as you are. So what? She is who she is. The two of you are not on the same page with your riding. Well, okay then… Just keep the conversation on other things. She’s probably whiny and complaining about everything in life, but, you won’t care as much.


Oh lordy OUCH! Glad my boarding days were in the 70’s.




OP, be realistic in your thinking about whether or not you are really helping her. What is getting better for her as a result of these trips, in her mindset, in her riding? For her, is riding giving her a break from life to renew and rejuvenate?

It’s possible that what she is really getting out of it is your undivided attention, on the trip out and back.

If it is really about a struggle with riding well, there are much better ways she could be addressing it.

Believe what she tells you about herself. Don’t rationalize it away. She means it. The ungrateful complainer, who is a drain on someone of goodwill who is helping her, is who she is. You have not been given the task of fixing her.

She probably does need help. But not with riding.


Screw that, I wouldn’t collect her things, either. If you’re going to cut her off, do it proper. It’s not your problem to pick up her saddle and stuff, let her work it out.

I refuse to engage in mooches. It’s also why I’m trail riding by myself most of the time (along with the fact that I don’t suffer trail riding fools well either…).

The fact that she hasn’t even offered to occasionally cover gas is enough for me to flip that switch to the “off” position.


I am part of the crowd that thinks you should give her one more chance. It has been a rough year, along with a crazy winter. We all do stupid things from time to time.

If she keeps up the insults of the trainer you like then tell her that you can not do this anymore and cut her loose.


My take on the situation:

You live in the city; you board your horse in one of the most expensive areas for horses on the East Coast.

Getting to the barn to ride is a major committment in time and travel expense.

The barn is your happy place, and you are paying a premium price for this happy place that is your refuge.

Your acquaintence is making it less happy without offering any offsetting benefit to you.

Cut her loose, and enjoy your lovely horse, barn and trainer with no distractions again. No explanations needed, just stop responding to her text with your riding schedule. Or be very vague. “Not sure, my schedule’s crazy this week. I’ll text you if there’s a time that works for me.”


One more for it’s been a rough year, the 20s can be a stressful time in life (especially nowadays if she’s on instagram, seeing everyone’s perfectly curated riding lifestyles), and we all have those challenging rides where the brash reaction is to blame everything/one except yourself. That said, OP - you also need to protect your peace. I’d give her one more chance and use it a refresher of my car, my rules. But also, as a chance for her to get out there to collect her stuff - I’d personally want her to make sure she has everything in her hands, so she can’t accuse you or the barn of pushing her away and keeping her stuff.


Tangent question for the OP - Is it typical in that part of the world for the barn to have a place for non-boarders to store their stuff? That just seems weird to me, but I can see how they might offer that in an area where most people do not have their own car.

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So that’s actually a funny question and perhaps another sign that this person doesn’t respect boundaries. The “rule” at the barn is you can have a tack locker if you are a lessee or a boarder, but after her second lesson, she came out with all her stuff and put trainer on the spot asking if she could have a locker. At this point, I think trainer thought the relationship might develop differently—maybe she’d become a regular lesson-goer who eventually leases, etc.—but it clearly hasn’t, so here we are!

BTW, haven’t heard from her yet this week.


What are you getting out of this situation? Do you appreciate the company on the ride to/from? Is what you’re getting out worth what you’re putting in? If not, stop offering her rides. Simple as that.


I think Arlo wins the “thoughtful response” award

This woman is an insecure and non-committed rider. Rather than admit she is done or not really committed, she is striking out like the 14yo petulant child mentioned.

Out of respect to your trainer and the barn family, I would gather her stuff, return it to her. Nobody wants to feel responsible to someone who is not really responsible themselves. Tell her you wanted to make sure it was in safe keeping for her to deal with when her barn returns at the end of the season. This should not be your barns burden.

I am amazed that she would be given such good instruction in what sounds like a nice barn with such a non-committed attitude.


I was all for giving her a second chance until you mentioned she didn’t offer to contribute to gas and tolls.

I grew up in NYC and rode in North Salem. I did frequently get rides to the barn from a woman who lived in the city, but even as a teenager I knew enough to offer gas money.


Who in the world is this woman? (Says the person who covets a place at the barn to keep her stuff more than anything but would never dare do this).


This is a truly obnoxious and entitled person, and you don’t need someone like that in your life. Its up to her to retrieve her saddle, etc., if you do it she will surely find some way to blame you for either something that is missing, damage to her saddle, or whatever. Let her make her own arrangements with the barn staff to have it shipped to her, at her expense. The sooner she is out of your life the better. Be grateful you haven’t heard back from her and I would suggest not responding to any future texts.


Another complaint of hers (and this one I got a good laugh about): my barn has tack-up/un-tack service for lessons. The intent is to keep the day running smoothly for the trainers since we all know that some people are slower in grooming and tacking up than others. I often arrive ~30 minutes early so I can prep my mare myself, but some days, that doesn’t happen and I’m eternally grateful for the service.

Well, friend, in her tirade about trainer, got on her high horse about how she really hates the tack-up service and she was never raised in a barn where people didn’t groom or tack up their own horses. I think my jaw dropped as I said, “You… realize that it’s an option, not a requirement, right?” (In my head, I’m thinking we’re just never able to get here early enough for you to tack up because you’re always 15 minutes late!)


I expect she doesn’t want her gear at home and will leave it at the barn until she finds another lease or lesson situation.

All the details are really starting to add up. Just drop her.


Yes that makes sense, I’m sure you are right.

As if all the rest wasn’t enough, being late too when it’s not a short trip and she’s on your schedule, that would really bug me. I get sometimes things happen but if I were the driver, I’d have to be like, sorry, you missed the bus. At least there is the tack up service so trainer isn’t delayed also.