It’s actually why I stopped having lessons on the same day as her. Now, I hack during her lessons so I’m not stressed about being late and not being able to get my horse ready. Gosh, typing all this out makes me realize that I was totally been short-changed here. I swear I’m not really this much of a sucker! 
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Eh, she sounds like an immature twenty-something and a difficult customer, not evil incarnate. Not unheard of in the horse world. But definitely get some gas money next time!
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You’ve been rationalizing her unacceptable behavior. A common mistake we all make from time to time! 
When someone brings a problem to the COTH forum, I always have a feeling that they already know the answer. They just need some validation before jumping into handling an awkward situation.
It’s not your fault that it is an awkward situation. From what you’ve shared, you’re the good guy here. All of the awkwardness has been created by someone who is good at finding a soft touch. Who will stomp right in and claim someone else’s space and attention at any opportunity. While pretending to be a friend.
Consider that you are also complicit in putting your trainer on the spot. Your trainer probably thinks you are closer with this lady than you are, and wants to be accommodating to you. You are the trainer’s student, plus you are (literally) bringing her more business. As well as whatever she thought might happen for a future new customer.
Think of how nice it will be not to have to deal with or think about this ‘friend’ any longer (you put ‘friend’ in quotes in your title! 
).
This is easily resolved, so don’t make it complicated. Once she’s no longer part of your horse/barn/riding world, with luck she will fade away altogether. And hitch onto someone else’s goodwill, until they get tired of her, too.
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For those who think a second chance is in order, excusing the behavior due to youth, a tough last covid year, whatever you can think of …
Is it really appropriate to put oneself in the role of counselor & life coach for someone who is having trouble coping with adulthood and life, and who is not a close friend? Doesn’t this peripheral friend need a resource who has more qualifications to help her with her life skills? (Unless OP does have certified counseling skills.)
A ‘second chance’ would be in order for a longtime close friend or a family member. Someone I knew well, understood their background and current life situation, and we would both have insight on helping each other.
Even if she is having some struggles, and isn’t just a brat, I would not invite into my life someone who is almost a stranger, for the purpose of helping them get their head straight. If that is the case, I think some judgment is in order to evaluate if this is an appropriate situation for the parties involved.
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A lot of information has been added since most of us said ‘give a second chance’.
With the additional information it does sound like this is just a rude person who takes advantage.
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I can’t stand it when people are late, it’s a total lack of respect for the person waiting. I had a friend who was habitually late, if we were supposed to be at a ride at 10:00, we’d be lucky if we’d leave her house 2 hours late. I finally got sick of it and when we were going to caravan to a trail ride, I told her I would meet her at a specific point at a specific time and if she was more than 10 minutes late, I was leaving without her. You better believe she hustled to get there.
Cut this free loader loose and let her get herself where she needs to be.
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No worries there, luckily! I made it clear from the start that this person was simply an acquaintance. She was, of course, happy to have the new client at first, but that enthusiasm has, uh, since waned. 
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You sound like a very kind person trying to help her out. The more I read the more I understand all the comments to drop her but I’m probably to nice because I would give her one more chance because at the end of the last drive she said maybe she was wrong.
I wouldn’t contact her, I wouldn’t wait if she was late and I would say my peace before getting in the car but she accepts that or is done. Plus any other rude behavior and it would be over.
Your 20’s are hard there is a lot of pressures going and this year has been harder then most, adding winter when so many ppl have SAD so all those factors make me willing to after a blunt conversation give another chance
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You shouldn’t put up with such terrible attitude and I’m surprised your trainer tolerates it! That sounds like an awful scenario and you’ve been more than patient!
She was just being herself. Other people do not short-change us; we short-change ourselves. So, I would offer that your next step is to decide if you want to be available to her or not, based on what you know of her. Then YOU initiate and YOU call or text her and tell her that you don’t have flexibility anymore to accommodate another rider, and you aren’t able to give her rides anymore. Be pleasant and avoid being judgmental. Resist the urge to give her a list of explanations, but be clear and direct if she pushes you, ie, “I need to keep focused to make my riding time work, so I just can’t accommodate other schedules.” Do NOT get all passive-aggressive and complicated. That serves no one, and is way more work that just keeping it simple and honest.
If she needs to get her tack, or if she wants to keep riding, she will find a way.
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This is brilliant. So, so true.
We choose the pests we keep in our lives - we just don’t acknowledge it to ourselves.
And sometimes we are more put off by the momentary hard work of getting free of them, than we are by considering the cost of keeping them.
And of course, that’s how being a pest works for them and their lives. They aren’t attached to us, they are attached to what we do for them. When we don’t do it any more, they will move on to another ‘friend’.
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Oooh I like the word pest.
I call them takers.
We are givers.
We have to stick with other givers, as takers will just take and take and take and take, until you have nothing left to give.
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Her relationship with you, her relationship with your trainer, and her riding journey are separate things.
She does not owe it to you to like your trainer because you gave her a ride or because you think your trainer is great.
She does not owe it to you to listen to what your trainer says or improve her riding. If she wants to take fifty lessons and never listen to a word your trainer says and not improve one iota, that is not your circus not your monkeys. If she wants to quit riding because she’s not into it anymore, that is also not your circus not your monkeys.
You can certainly LISTEN to her when she talks about it, but the thing you don’t need to do is try to affect the outcome.
Your trainer does not need you to bring her around on the car ride home. If your trainer has an issue with her attitude towards your trainer or towards your trainer’s lessons, that is something for you to let your trainer handle. Again, you can LISTEN, but it’s not your wheelhouse to try to affect the outcome.
What is in your wheelhouse is her relationship with you. You do not owe her rides in the car. If she is disrespecting your time you can and should have a boundary about that. One solution is to figure out when YOU want to go to the barn, where she can meet you, and then tell her “I am going at X time, if you would like a ride be in my parking garage by Y time.” Make your plans and offer her to fit herself into them, but you don’t have to plan your schedule around things she may cancel. She can be in your parking garage then or not, same difference to you.
You can set boundaries about your own expectations, but also make sure you follow boundaries yourself by not feeling like or reacting as if you get a say or an opinion that aren’t in your wheelhouse, either.
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Yep.
The easiest way to get free of these types of people is to let them move on to someone else.
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Sounds like she needs to go back to basics before she moves forward. This is not uncommon. Her ego is preventing her from doing the hard work. She needs to find another sport. No room for ego with horses.
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Oh gosh that’s pretty unacceptable, especially if she’s only been out a handful of times since December. I used to ride in NYC as well and had plenty of my own carpool dramas. We once had a girl join our group, pre-pay for a lesson package, and then stop after one ride. I remember wanting to ask the trainer if I could take her lessons because that was NOT cheap (but also 
).
Yes, I have an update!
So after radio silence for a week, she finally texted asking if I was riding this past weekend. I assumed she was just going to ask me to pick up her things, but nope, she wanted a lesson. I texted with my trainer first to make sure she even felt comfortable teaching her again (she said she was fine with it), so I told her that I’d drive her.
When she scheduled with my trainer, she apologized for how she acted the last time, and she actually had a good lesson since she tried the things my trainer suggested to her. Still no offer to pitch in for gas/tolls, but she showed up early (like I told her to if she wanted to tack up her own horse) and didn’t complain or disparage my trainer. Even talked a little bit about wanting to horse show or possibly half-lease this spring, so I guess she decided my trainer isn’t so terrible after all.
Since she rides so infrequently, I’ll take a “do unto others” approach with regards to driving her and if she decides to ride two or three times a week, I’ll have a serious conversation about chipping in a bit more.
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Why don’t you just ask her for gas $$. Although totally wrong, some people don’t think about offering it. It obviously bothers you, so you should ask.
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