The fact that he’s the horse you want at home is huge, there’s lots of hope there!
I don’t really think that riding him more is going to help you, other than making him a fitter nut 
I also wouldn’t necessarily lunge him in new places, if he’s that bothered by it. Remember that you need to train the action as well as the state of mind.
Start at home where you are both comfortable on the ground and use classical conditioning to establish a bridging stimulus so that you can more effectively reward his good behaviour. I would recommend using a word like “yes” instead of something like a clicker. Then using positive reinforcement, teach him to touch or target. Remember that in the training phase you want to use a fixed ratio schedule of reinforcement of FR1 (so reward every single time), but for maintenance move onto a variable ratio reward schedule (so on average every say, three times) . Once he will touch a familiar object on command, move onto new objects. Then new objects in a slightly less familiar place (say behind the barn where you rarely go, etc.). Teaching him to go and touch and investigate the things that scare him will give him confidence in his own ability. This is also where you can reward his state of mind. Chilled out and relaxed in the pasture? “yes”, Relaxed in the arena? “yes”. Use treats here as you see fit. Then as you take him to new places, wander around on the ground at first and repeat the touching exercises. This not only distracts him, but also helps him complete a task correctly, be rewarded, and learn to make positive connections between being away from home and good things happening. Once you get on, remember to reward often. Is he standing quietly at the trailer, even for a second? Reward. Basically I think you can see where I’m going with this. There is lots of information on the internet about using positive reinforcement in horses, and if I can recommend a book it would be “How to Behave so Your Dog Behaves” by Sophia Yin. It’s for dogs, but is a good intro to basic learning theory. Best of luck. Don’t sell him just yet, if you don’t want to
I would teach this horse to lunge well even if it took running the lead or a chain over his nose. Walk, trot, canter and most of all, whoa. Then use it as one of your calming and confidence building tools.
Some horses are a lot more excitable than others. My daughter had hot TBs when she was in high school and college. They were always awful when she competed them. She had lots of fun with them, but had to adjust her expectations and realize they would not behave. When she got her Irish horse, my daughter was amazed at how easy it was to go new places and compete. The Irish horse was always well behaved. If you decide you will keep your horse, you need to adjust your expectations. He won’t behave well in new places, and you can’t let that bother you.
Learn to drive the trailer. Get a lesson every week, away from home, with an instructor who will ride him as needed. Go trail riding in the local parks. Go somewhere new every week. Ride him with different horses. Try to start with low stress places where he will behave and you can relax. Learn to lunge, so you can lunge him anytime he is too hot to ride. Wear a vest and helmet when you ride so you feel more confident, and are better protected.
OP you might contact this man, he came with high recommendations from a trainer I follow.
https://www.facebook.com/pg/DanielTessariHorseReflections/about/?ref=page_internal
Pauly is now based in the beautiful Adelaide Hills region with his fiancé Lauren and their large canine and equine family.
He doesn’t lunge at all. Like, I’ve tried to lunge him on a rope and he tries to drag me. The only place at my stable you’re allowed to lunge is in the round yards. I’ve tried doing it in the arena, but I’m not allowed to. Also, I used to lunge every time before getting on and that just revs him up.
I guess I don’t understand… a round pen is ideal for teaching him better lunging habits.
If I have a horse who needs to blow off steam, and some do… putting them in a round pen [loose] or on just a lunge line attached to the halter is a great way to let them yahoo around. Some of them need that. Yo definitely did and a couple times my Mellow Melly did as well…
Conversely, tacking them up to lunge should mean business and they can learn the difference. When they are wearing their surcingle or saddle, side reins [if applicable] and bridle they can learn that means ‘we are working’.
I learned so much about how to effectively ride from lunging. When we got Melly we had no idea what he knew and didn’t know… and frankly were surprised that a horse who showed acted the way he did to contact and other things one would expect a Dressage horse to know.
Taking him back to square one, and working him in the lunge really gave me the opportunity to learn how to ride him, and also to establish a vocabulary and cues with him that I could then transfer to under saddle work.
Lunging is such an incredibly helpful tool to have in your toolbox.
Teach him to lunge properly! A horse that lunges properly has a valuable skill. My youngster gets excited at new places and 10 to 20 mins on the lunge line makes him rideable instead of “he’ll no I’m not getting on that”! I don’t let him run around like an idiot but I do let him canter if that’s what it takes to settle down, once he’s settled (takes about a minute or 2) I then get to proper lunge work… walk to trot; trot to canter;canter to trot… etc on both sides until he’s listening , attentive and working properly behind them front. Then I will get on and have a nice, safe, hack .
I also lunge with the lunge line running thru the near side of the bit, up over his poll and fastening to the far side of the bit… I want control! Lunging is for a reason not for running willy nilly out of control like I see far too often!
two more people to contact
https://www.facebook.com/dayhorsemanship/
http://www.dayhorsemanship.com.au/
and
https://www.facebook.com/Esther-Cruckshank-Horsemanship-Coaching-724569344223738/
Esther Cruckshank
OP, how old are you and to what extent are you financially independent? And what else is going on with you and your family? I was reading this as from a 14 year old, until you said that you had been to university. Are you currently enrolled, graduated, or did you drop out? If you are currently enrolled, are you living with your parents or in dorms at school? If you have graduated or dropped out, do you have a job? In any case, who pays the bills for the horse?
I’m curious because if you are legally an adult and bought the horse with your own money, you can certainly sell the horse. Or you can learn to drive the trailer (float) yourself. Or you can find your own trainer and work on these issues.
It can be very, very hard to sell a horse that we have grown fond of, but who isn’t the right horse for us. Sometimes we really want to tough it out and fix the situation, but we can’t.
I really can’t tell from this post what’s going on. It does sound like you have gone 5 years with this horse, without getting any basics in groundwork or horsemanship, despite being in Pony Club. Perhaps that it is typical of being in a lesson program atmosphere, not sure. I am also wondering if the anxiety over the horse is part of a larger issue of anxiety in general, and if your parents are thinking that you just need to “get over” it? But if you have anxiety problems in general, you should be getting some counselling and professional help quite apart from whatever is going on with the horse.
As far as acting up off property, if the horse has not gone anywhere much, that is only to be expected. I would suggest paying your trainer to ride the horse at some local shows, and to work through it as she sees fit. Perhaps the trainer can then find an experienced amateur to ride the horse in a few more shows. Meanwhile, you can take a day lease to show a school master at the same show, and get back some of your own confidence. Eventually you can ride your own horse.
If your parents won’t foot the bill for this training, then you need to get a part time job to afford it.
I’m also not sure why the horse needs to go to shows or off the property? Can you not just continue to enjoy him as a casual ride where he is comfortable?
Whatever you do, please don’t take him again to shows on your own with no intelligent adult help. If your horse is running wild at shows, he is making it dangerous for everyone else, including the younger children who are riding.
Horses are not ‘manipulative’.
Sell him.
I didn’t read all the responses, so excuse me if I’m repeating …
Since you can’t get him off the property regularly, can you set up some different scenarios at home? “Bomb-proofing” kind of stuff - not uncontrolled stuff that will blow his mind, just gentle exposure to tarps & other "scary"stuff - with your trainer or her husband to help you with techniques to get your horse’s focus back. Start on the ground & progress to under-saddle. The more you instill this training in your horse & in yourself, the better you will be able to handle him at shows.
Additional issue is OP is scared of the horse and has had a couple of hard falls. Don’t know about anybody else but have had enough horses to know what it is to be scared of one for good reason and it ain’t fun. Fact when I reach the point I feel I’ve tried everything and it’s just not going to work? I’m done with that one, don’t want to get on and I don’t.
Sometimes you are just not equipped to deal with the issues, lack the skill and/or lack the facilities to get it done safely. It’s OK to surrender to reality. Think OP knows that but Dad is not on board with it despite not being to offer OP any help with it. Thars the problem and not likely to get solved on here.
Agree with Findeight… op, it’s perfectly ok to accept that you’re overhorsed and afraid of your current horse and know that it’s time to step away ! Been there wrote the book! Riding is our hobby and should be fun… there’s nothing wrong with getting a horse that lets you get back to that fun feeling nothing by at all! Surely your dad would rather you not get seriously hurt… have you actually sat down and had a heart to heart discussion with him about this?
Just tell your Dad that you are done with riding this horse. If he won’t let you sell him than just stay away from the horse and leave him to Dad to feed , muck, ect. Finish school and get a job that lets you purchase the horse (and care of that horse) that you can ride and enjoy. This may take a few years, but, you will be more mature and capable of knowing what you really want and need in a horse that will then fit into your lifestyle.
I think part of the problem is that OP isn’t yet clear in her mind what she wants to do. I think that if she made up her mind to sell the horse, got the trainer on board, and stuck with the decision, she could present it to her family and insist on it. But if she vacillates, and the topic only comes up at moments she is very emotional, and then the next day she wants to continue with the horse, then her family may not take it very seriously.
So number one step is to make a decision. Number two step is to follow through on it. Number three step is to get support as needed from people around you or to step up and do the work needed to get the decision enacted.
