My kid is a jerk....

[joharavhf]

So, I have an almost 12 year old daughter who has been riding my pony. He’s very green but he’s pretty honest and will teach her well because when she does things wrong he doesn’t “work” for her. Perfect situation. I’ve previously taken him up to BN and done a few schooling events with him but then I had 2 MORE kids and got a job…So I’m not riding anymore.

Kid has been riding with a local eventing facility that offers weekly lessons on her horse or on a school horse, plus they go to schooling events and for the past 5 summers she’s gone to their summer camps. She’s always been a kid that “questions authority,” always challenging the status quo. I actually REALLY like that quality in myself as it makes me a more productive adult. However, more recently it’s causing some issues with her instruction.

She’s been really disrespectful to her instructors that I have PERSONALLY chosen for merits that I appreciate. Recently the barn implemented a “helmet at all times” rule (which I agree with, BTW) and my kid is always snappy about that - especially when she’s been told to put her helmet on by the owner recently. The kid has been requesting to ride with a new instructor as of late. She took a few clinics this winter with other instructors (arranged by the current barn owner as she goes South for the winter). She loved the other instructors as they pushed her - hard.

I have had a discussion with the instructors and feel that their feedback has all been valid for the daughter. The kid doesn’t agree. She thinks the coaching is subpar and won’t help her “get to Rolex.” Like I said earlier, she is starting to be more disrespectful to the instructors and owners.

I need to either nip this in the bud at the current barn or agree to move on. I don’t think it’s fair to have a child treat the barn owner and instructors rudely. And I don’t want to pay for instruction when the kid doesn’t listen. Her dad says I should take away riding for a few weeks. I’m not sure that is the answer. I’d LOVE to hear other feedback on this issue. Again, I think the current barn is doing a good job with her.

Fellow tween parents? Instructors? Help!

[bornfreenowexpensive]

If I EVER was disrespectful to ANY adult…I’d be grounded in second. Take away riding for a few weeks. She needs to show she is not a spoiled brat.

If I ever didn’t do as I was told by an instructor or coach…I got punished.

That is not the same as asking questions…and developing an opinion. But at 12…she doesn’t know enough…and being RUDE to a coach, trainer, barn owner…and adult…is not acceptable EVER.

[LadyB]

Disrespect = No riding.

When I was growing up, barn time was taken away if I was bad. If she wants to go to Rolex, she’ll learn to be good so she can keep riding.

Kids who think they know it all need to be knocked down. Its common at that age though.

[alibi_18]

First : Tell Daugther that Rolex is out of the question for the next +15 years.

Second : If her dream is to go to Rolex, she has to shut it and ride BUT since she’s been so disrespectful, she won’t even be riding for the next 2 weeks. (You should really side with your husband on this one.)

Third : If she wants to continue riding, she HAS TO write a formal apologizing letter to both BO and Instructor. Make sure there are no grammar faults in there, she’ll have to rewrite it until it is perfect. She’ll have to hand out those letter in person and apologize.

Fourth : Maybe a change of trainer is in order. BUT there is NO NEED for being disrespectful. She was successfull in that other trainer’s program because, well, she was brought up along correctly by her usual instructor!!!

Kid can discuss issues and share their views on training, teaching styles and all.

RESPECT is the key to her success.

Follow your instinct, nip this right away and be firm about the consequences of her actions.

Also : EVERYONE at Rolex wear their helmets. If she dies of a brain injury, she’ll NEVER get to Rolex EVER. I think it’s time to have a reality check with her. Show her all the videos you can find on Helmet awareness and the dangers of Eventing…

[joharavhf]

Just to add…my parents took away barn time from me when I was a teenager and it backfired big time. I ended up getting in to boys and stopped riding for a bit.

Also, what do I do with said pony? Let him have vacation for 2 weeks?

[Jersey_Fresh]

[QUOTE=bornfreenowexpensive;8671320]
If I EVER was disrespectful to ANY adult…I’d be grounded in second. Take away riding for a few weeks. She needs to show she is not a spoiled brat.

If I ever didn’t do as I was told by an instructor or coach…I got punished.

That is not the same as asking questions…and developing an opinion. But at 12…she doesn’t know enough…and being RUDE to a coach, trainer, barn owner…and adult…is not acceptable EVER.[/QUOTE]

Yup. My mother would have pulled me from lessons and from riding until I could treat other adults with respect.

[joharavhf]

Oh, and to add. She ALWAYS wears her helmet while riding. The new rule is while handling horses in general.

[trubandloki]

I am curious why you (the OP) think taking riding away is not an appropriate response here?

A 12yo can be a challenge but the things you list as issues (being snotty about having to wear a helmet for example) are not tween issues, they are lack of basic manner issues.

[bornfreenowexpensive]

[QUOTE=joharavhf;8671337]
Just to add…my parents took away barn time from me when I was a teenager and it backfired big time. I ended up getting in to boys and stopped riding for a bit.

Also, what do I do with said pony? Let him have vacation for 2 weeks?[/QUOTE]

It might backfire…but then you ground them over something else. So what if she quits riding…learning how to be respectful, communicate well…those are very important life skills. Manners 101.

The pony could get lunged or see if there is another kid at the barn who could ride.

Me…I would have put her little behind to work. She now would have no shows for a month or two. Still need to go groom pony, clean tack but not ride for a week or two. And do a few other chores to earn back riding privileges.

[beowulf]

I am not a parent, so take from this what you may:

Pulling barn time might backfire. But so do a lot of disciplinary things. What would be worse is allowing her to continue this behavior.

Where are you or father when she is lashing out? My parents, sage as they were, were quite Machiavellian in terms of punishment. Some of the most lasting and permanent changes in behavior they saw from myself and siblings were when they were there as an authoratative figure to correct me (or siblings) in front of peers when I (we) were being rude. One lesson in particular I had the luxury of attending sans mount, simmering - but boy did it drive discipline home. Which parent does your daughter need more approval from? Use that to your advantage.

My parent’s disciplinary measures worked, even if I didn’t see it as a kid. If your daughter is being mouthy, I’d be correcting her verbally right then and there, making her apologize then and there to whoever she was rude to, and dismissing her from her lesson/ride and say something along the lines of “you are not riding until you recognize your actions”. Additionally, I would be telling whoever she is mouthing off that they have 100% authority to discipline (not physical) her. Maybe make her muck stalls for 5 hours the next time she’s rude?

But let her continue to ride another day. Maybe not tomorrow, but the next day.

[joharavhf]

Trubandloki,

My parents took my horse away when I was a kid - caused me to go find enjoyment elsewhere as in boys. Eventually I got back into it but I generally don’t think taking riding away is a good thing. It also causes issues with the horse (IMO). He needs to work which means I’m going to have to find someone ride him - which means I have to shell out $$$. Also, I’m trying to instill in her that horses are a “sometimes” thing. So this goes against it.

[bornfreenowexpensive]

[QUOTE=joharavhf;8671341]
Oh, and to add. She ALWAYS wears her helmet while riding. The new rule is while handling horses in general.[/QUOTE]

Considering the tween who was KILLED in the paddock in Akin this past winter…I get where the BO is coming from.

[toady123]

If you pay the bills this is your call, not hers. While an new instructor might be warranted, allowing her to simply switch would mean she wins. If she can’t behave respectfully she doesn’t get to ride. If she then goes to hanging out with bad people, well then she doesn’t get to hang out. It’s about consequences.

I say this as someone who was a brat too. Hormones can do weird things. I physically matured at a young age and found it difficult to cope with all those changes. So, I do think it’s important to understand the behaviour within the context of her development.

With that said, my parents took no crap. If I was a brat I was hauled off the horse. And you can be sure I didn’t then get to go hang out with my deadbeat friends.

To this day I am sorry for the way I acted (although looking back, I honestly felt like I could not always control myself), but thankful my parents were tough but fair.

[NoSuchPerson]

[QUOTE=joharavhf;8671337]
Just to add…my parents took away barn time from me when I was a teenager and it backfired big time. I ended up getting in to boys and stopped riding for a bit.

Also, what do I do with said pony? Let him have vacation for 2 weeks?[/QUOTE]

You don’t take away barn time. She still has a responsibility to care for her pony. She is just grounded from riding. And there are plenty of things she can do with the pony other than ride. Ground work, for example.

Don’t let your desire that she keep riding keep you from imposing an appropriate punishment.

[Groom_amp_Taxi]

OP, I think you have gotten good advice so far - having horses/riding/taking lessons/competing - all of these are privileges and not rights, and your 12 yo is at the perfect age to learn that lesson. She’s not paying for those lessons herself, now is she?

Grounding her from all riding/lessons for a period is a great consequence for her current attitude, and make sure the grounding period is not enjoyable for her - give her extra chores to fill the time when she would have been riding - NO sleepovers, or shopping trips or anything fun. A young teen at my barn is currently grounded, and her mom reports that the house is cleaner than it’s been in a while. If you ground your daughter, whatever period of time you and your spouse agree on is the “sentence” - don’t lighten up the consequence for either good or bad behavior - two weeks is two weeks.

On the helmet thing - please clarify. Were helmets not required when riding and now they are or is it a helmets at all times when handling horses deal? Can’t fathom an eventing barn in this day and age that wouldn’t require helmets of minors at all times when riding.

(ETA: Never mind - this was clarified while I was busy typing…apparently slowly).

[Winding_Down]

First of all, kudos to you for recognizing that your kid is being a brat. I have found that so many of the bratty kids have parents who see them as perfect.

Does she like being in a training program and going to competitions? Perhaps you could take that away from her and let her continue to ride.

You can also set up a points system for her so that she earns points for being respectful, polite, and helpful at the barn. She has to maintain a certain number of points to (for example) get to jump or even ride. Otherwise, she goes to the barn and grooms etc., to earn points back.

So you are not taking something away. You are requiring that she earn it. You could set it up so that she earns points for being helpful, friendly etc. Barn owner could give some of those points if you are not there.

[trubandloki]

You might want to look at how you deal with this young lady in other situations too, while you are figuring this out.
Being a total brat does not tend to surface in only one aspect of their life. I am betting she has been being bratty all along, pretty much everywhere and it has grown into this problem.
I kind of think it is time to take on the Nothing In Life Is Free theory, kind of like training a problem dog.

[LadyB]

[QUOTE=NoSuchPerson;8671363]
You don’t take away barn time. She still has a responsibility to care for her pony. She is just grounded from riding. And there are plenty of things she can do with the pony other than ride. Ground work, for example.

Don’t let your desire that she keep riding keep you from imposing an appropriate punishment.[/QUOTE]

THIS

[joharavhf]

Thanks for chiming in everyone! Yes, she MUST ride in a properly fitted helmet all the time. I used to work for Charles Owen and I consider myself a helmet nazi. That being said, we haven’t always been required to wear helmets working around the horses. I do think it’s a good idea and have told her to do so.

I’m not always present when she’s at the barn. I have 2 other kids and a full time job so one of the other moms drop her off once a week, then I drop her off once a week and on the weekends I’m running around doing errands. One thing I could do is ride the pony myself and she could do barn chores while I ride, LOL!!! That’ll REALLY piss her off!

She normally is a very respectful kid - don’t get me wrong. It’s just the instructors that she’s been snippy with. I don’t hear this feedback from anyone else and commonly get feedback that she is a sweet and polite young lady. But the fact that she’s disrespectful to the instructors just really irks me.

[enjoytheride]

I think your unwillingness to remove riding on a temporary basis is part of the issue, and your daughter sees this. Removing her riding privleages for a few weeks is only going to turn her to boys if she was never serious in the first place. If this pony goes feral not being ridden for a week or two then you should probably sell him. Horses don’t forget things or lose fitness that easily. That’s a pretty lame excuse for not disciplining your daughter and you should look at how you deal with the rest of her behavior as well.

Harsh words but if you don’t change your parenting style and course correct your child it’s going to get worse.