Navigating as an LGBTQ+ equestrian

[Omnia]

I recently started riding (and working for riding) at a new barn. I love the horses, the people are friendly and caring towards the horses, and since I have more time than money, this is an ideal situation for me. I’m hoping to go with them to shows in the spring and do a bit of showing myself.

I am a lesbian and have a serious partner. She rode a bit growing up and always wanted to be a horse girl but never had the money. I know she’d love to come to shows (she comes with me to trials with my dog) and wants to be around horses as she can.

Do I have her come as a friend? If so, does that get suspicious at a point? I live in a purple state outside of a major city, but I’m new to the area and worried it gets queer-unfriendly very quickly outside of the city. The trainer’s sister has Trump/Pence signs propped up against her house. Maybe it’s too soon to tell with this barn, but I’m not even sure how I’d figure out if it’s “safe.” Or if it’s not safe…how many times can my partner come before people catch on?

This is the first time I’m really, truly out, and I’m still learning how to navigate, especially when in a perfect world I’d like my partner to be able to exist in the same space.

[EADoug]

I don’t have solid advice, I just want to say that I am so sorry you even have to think about these things.

[2DogsFarm]

I’m hoping one of the LGBTQ posters on this board can help with better info.

I’m straight (& Old), but have always had friends of all sexual preferences/identities. Including in the Horseworld.
As a hetero rider, showing Hunters in the late 80s-mid90s I never cared who was what with whom. Same when I showed Dressage & the rare Event up to the early 2000s.

My beloved Dressage trainer/friend (who had also Hunted & Evented) was an Out gay man in the mid-80s.
Local BNT was a gay woman.
Another friend - unashamedly gay man -catchrode/groomed on the AA circuit back then & still competes as an Ammie today.
His husband is a presence at the barn & shows - not often as he’s not a horseperson - but AFAIK, he’s welcomed.
Nobody seemed to look askance at any of them, or their partners.
I’d hate to think Times have changed since then.

[Impractical_Horsewoman]

@Omnia

The trainer’s sister has Trump/Pence signs propped up against her house.

I will say, I’ve occasionally encountered people who have this political orientation who are (contradictory as it sounds) accepting of LGBT+ people as individuals. HOWEVER…

Personally, I’d say to find another barn if you don’t feel comfortable being “out” to the trainer and the trainer doesn’t communicate the need to be accepting of all. The horse community has prominent queer equestrians in just about every discipline, but if your current barn is a hostile community, even if you think you can grit your teeth and navigate it now, over the long term, you’re better off putting down roots where your girlfriend and you can hang out together, and you can genuinely feel loved and accepted as a couple.

It’s incredibly unfair, I know, to have to think of leaving a barn you otherwise like because it rejects such a core part of your identity.

[NancyM]

It’s nobody’s business but yours. There are plenty of gay people in the equine industry… it’s not “ground breaking”. You may well meet up with individuals who are hostile to how you live your life, we all do no matter our sexuality. Those people are not your friends. Carry on with your regular life, introduce your “friend” to your friends. People who you see regularly will figure it out in time, if they care one way or the other.

[NoSuchPerson]

@Impractical_Horsewoman

I will say, I’ve occasionally encountered people who have this political orientation who are (contradictory as it sounds) accepting of LGBT+ people as individuals.

I know lots of people with this “political orientation” and none of them care one whit about your sexual orientation. The idea that Republicans and conservatives are, by default, anti-LGBTQ is a bunch of baloney.

As far as horse people go, in general, nobody cares. We care about important things like how you ride and how you treat your horse.

Don’t waste time and energy trying to guess about other people’s attitudes. If you like this barn and you like the trainer, be upfront about it. Just ask her. Then you’ll know.

[rockymouse]

I know some extremely conservative folks, some of whom are horsey, and I don’t think any of them would bat an eye if the new gal at the barn said “Oh, yeah, I’m leaving at 8am for the show on Saturday. My girlfriend/partner Heather is coming to cheer me on.”

Of course, I’m saying that from the context of a 50-something, straight white lady, so take it for what it’s worth. But however you choose to deal with this - introducing her as a friend, versus gf/partner will be the right way. There’s no wrong way, I don’t think.

[SMK]

I’m sorry you’re even having to worry about this; horse time is supposed to be fun time, and it’s disappointing we live in a world where this is still a viable concern.

My experience with the horse world, even with its mixed political views, and that it is at least LGB friendly. In my area very friendly to everyone, but I know I’m in a progressive area. In fact, we have a sign that says as much on our tack room. This is not to minimize your concern, just to say that my personal experience in red, blue, and purple states has been very positive towards gay people.

If you feel any discomfort, or heaven forbid receive a negative reaction from anyone, they don’t deserve you.

[lorilu]

I’m in Ocala FL. Really red area. I have quite a few LGBTQ+ friends… There are lots of LGBTQ+ folks in the horse world here, and I NEVER hear anything negative from my (very) conservative friends.
Sending best wishes to you and your partner for a successful experience in the new area, and new barn.

[McGurk]

60 + year old straight white lady.

I have always found that horse people were remarkably tolerant as horses and barns are such a refuge for people who don’t conform to societal expectations.

I’ve know out gay people in the horse world going back to the 70s.

The Trump signs are worrisome, but I have an out-and-married-to-his-partner gay friend who is a Trump supporter. I have never discussed it with him, because I’m afraid my head would explode.

If you’re otherwise happy at your barn, invite your partner and take note of how warmly she’s received. And I wouldn’t be coy about it, or worry if people are going to figure anything out. Introduce her as your partner. If the barn feels less than happy and welcoming, well, then, you need to find another barn. Might as well find out quickly.

Second thought, if you would like not to have your partner be a guinea pig in this social experiment, which I completely understand, I would try to find a friend or ally at the barn and just ask “Do you think people will be weird if I invite my partner to the horse show/bring her to the barn with me?”

Mostly, I think the other clients of this barn will be a little jealous that you have a supportive partner that wants to come to the barn and shows with you!

[SuzieQNutter]

It is totally up to you and your partner.

As a straight woman and married to a guy, the same female friend always came to lessons and competitions with me, because hubby is at work.

[Janet]

The horse world has always seemed pretty tolerant of LGBTQ people. I do not know if there is a greater proportion than in “the world at large” or if they are just more open about it, but, back in the 60s, the first people I knew, or knew about, that were gay, were horse people.

[MunchingonHay]

I would never have thought we slip slided so far backwards and I am embarrased this conversation has to occur.

When I was younger and single, everytime I saw a man riding or driving or even grooming. I just figured he was gay. BUT I also grew up on the east coast. Maybe that has something to do with it?

Look at Carson Kressley; an out, open and LOUD gay man in the saddlebred world.

PS my bother is a trump support and I am NOT a trump fan; so don’t assume the trainer has the same political leanings that their sister does, because it could be the opposite.

[PREs_Rock]

I am a conservative, 64 y/o (today!) straight, married woman. My point of view is:

Are you planning on making out in the tack room or aisle way? Sneaking a little nookie behind the hay stack? If yes, I would totally question your and your girlfriend’s presence at the barn. AS I WOULD ANY HETEROSEXUAL COUPLE exhibiting the same behaviors. If however, you and your girlfriend are at the barn together, at shows together, etc. who cares? It’s not my business or anyone else’s. Your gender identity and subsequent relationships are simply not relevant to the situation. Here’s the deal, not everyone has to accept you, anymore than you have to accept them (even the Trump supporters). Just go about your life, embrace those that accept you and ignore those who don’t.

[MunchingonHay]

I used to go dancing every other weekend at the Rainbow Connection before it was cool to do so.

and I am a cis, straight women.

[Impractical_Horsewoman]

Everyone, it’s very easy to type “no one cares” if you’re not from a marginalized sexual orientation.

There are certainly many out LGBT+ equestrians. For example, Carl Hester, who I consider one of the best equestrians in the world, has been out for decades.

But that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a great deal of homophobia and microagressions within specific barns and communities. Maybe the reason the OP feels this way is that she’s been picking some of that up, in addition to signs about politicians who are openly anti-LGBT+.

It’s easy to say, “I bring my boyfriend to shows, so no one will care if you bring your girlfriend,” if you’re straight and you don’t perceive things going under the surface.

OP, I would trust your gut. Riding can put us in vulnerable places, emotionally and physically. If you’re worried about people giggling behind their hands, even if they aren’t openly homophobic, that’s still a valid reason to change barns. Even though I do think the horse world has been much more welcoming than many other sports in celebrating people who are LGBT+, that doesn’t invalidate the fact that there’s still homophobia in the horse world, just like even though we’re a majority female sport, there’s still a lot of misogyny.

[B_and_B]

I don’t have a good answer, not being in your particular situation. I don’t know from your post if your barn has already given you any red flags.
Here is what I can tell you. I spent, and somedays still spend, far, far too much time worrying about how people see my relationship. I’ve learned a couple of things. First off most people are too worried about their lives to worry about yours. Secondly, if I don’t make a thing over it but just matter of factly introduce my partner there may be a millisecond of a blink, but only once has the reaction been rude. Thirdly, unless I want to be passive aggressive we do not make out in public. We keep it in the bedroom. Nobody wants to see tonsil hockey. I don’t care who it is. We do hold hands and casually give each other a peck or a hug.
Now…I’m not gay. So maybe my experience is all hogwash. However, I look like ‘jailbait’ and my husband looks like he is his 60s. In fact, only! 16 years age difference, but his hair is white and I, as I say, routinely pass for a decade younger than I am (even with nurses at my doctors the other week!) There are two restaurants we won’t be going back to anytime soon. That is their business to lose and mine to take elsewhere. I only pay attention to people’s reactions when they think I am my husband’s daughter; because that can get really, really ugly, as in cops being called ugly. There are some people I otherwise respect and love who think my relationship is inappropriate. That is their burden, not mine.
So be confident, be polite not rude, and if any one is an a— well, then being rude with excessive PDA and bird finger on the way out the door is totally appropriate!
(Also, it shouldn’t matter, but does, I’m about as conservative as you can find in this state. So GOP doesn’t necessarily mean homophobe; any more than liberal actually means tolerant…)

[StormyDay]

The horse world is probably one of the most open places for LBGTQ+. I’d actually be surprised if the barn owner didn’t know several LBGTQ+ couples. (Also, side note, I know several LBGTQ+ couples who voted for Trump the second time so that’s not always an indicator of how friendly they are).

Be you. If they can’t handle it leave.

[Gardenhorse]

I agree with others that you shouldn’t pretend and that I doubt there will be a problem introducing your partner to your barn mates.

But if you’re still unsure - is there perhaps one person that you’ve gotten to know pretty well and are comfortable talking to? Perhaps you could sound them out on whether they think anyone would be rude or unpleasant to you or your partner?

[Fiesta01]

@NancyM

Carry on with your regular life, introduce your “friend” to your friends.

This. ^^

Just be you and enjoy time with your partner and the horses. I’ve never personally seen or heard any anti-LGBTQ actions/words at any of my barns, and I’ve been in the horse world for 50 years. My best horse friend is gay, and he’s the favorite of everyone at the barn. (Of course, he IS the nicest person you would ever want to meet).

Just relax and have fun!
P.S. And I also am so sorry that you have to even think about this.