I have what amounts to a life-long struggle with bipolar disorder. I’ve been dx’d about 8 years now (yikes!) I’m hoping to get some insight from other folks about times when they feel too bad to go to the barn. When do you push yourself anyway and when do you let yourself rest/
Also, how have your horse(s) helped you through rough times?
I have major depression. I can spend months in the winter not going to the barn because I have no motivation. But if I don’t ride/exercise, it just gets worse and worse, so I have to force myself to go.
Is there something that you can get in the routine of doing for the horses you ride that only you do?
Knowing that there is something you have to do, rather than seeing it as something you do just for you, often helps gives the motivation and extra push you need to do it. 
Though I’ve never been diagnosed I highly suspect I have some sort of depression or anxiety disorder (too stubborn to see a doctor and still playing the if I ignore it it’ll go away game after many years) and also struggled with self injury all through high school and college.
On the days I feel the worst I still push myself to go to the barn by thinking of it as an obligation. I am the only one that rides my horse he needs to be exercised and kept fit. Once I’m up usually my horse will help put me in a slightly better mood. As equineartworks suggested, find something that only you do for the horse you ride and is something that needs to be done. I find having the responsibility of knowing it must be done helps keep me going even if I wouldn’t get out of bed for anything else.
My horse has helped me by always acting extra cute if I’m having a rough time. He knows it’s not the day to be silly when I’m on his back and he would stand perfectly in his stall while I just pet or hug him. And to be frank I probably wouldn’t be around if it weren’t for the horses I had in my life a few years ago. They play a big part in helping me at my worst.
How about the opposite problem, being way too even tempered and OCD about getting “it” done, whatever that “it” is.
If something interferes, it is hard to keep doing whatever it is until time to go do the “it” that is the routine and needs to be done.
In all my life, I have yet to sleep in ever, have not missed doing chores but once, when they would not let me home after an operation on my arm, when my heart quit four times coming out of anesthesia and I had to wait until next morning to be released.
They didn’t understand that having to wonder if all got done and done right was more stressful than letting me go on with my well ordered life.
I can say that horses love how I am, they can count on me never to blow a plug, or be down in the dumps or in any one way to alarm them.
I am the same me all the time, old reliable.
Always count your blessing, even when you may have some come along you would rather do without.:yes:
My post just erased itself?
Classaction, you will have a lifelong struggle with bi-polar. It doesn’t go away, but you can control the illness. I have had it much longer than eight years, and have learned to manage it with medications, a good Dr,and many strategies for coping with episodes, learned over the years.
Right now I am enjoying a slight “high” since I cannot afford the prescribed dose of one of the meds. As usual, it is a little hard to remember what the down is like- memory being the slippery thing it is, my brain pickled. So right now I can communicate with my horses. love them all, and ride just about every day after compulsively rock climbing a couple hours a day.- So remember , the illness is cyclical and the one thing that is true is that - it will change. It will get better (it will get worse) but you may have long periods of relative calm to look forward to.
There is a narrow balance to when to force yourself and when to back off and let the process happen. I know I will have times when it is best to not push it- pull back and make that choice OK. I do force myself to exercise- walking- and it seems to be important. But sometimes I do need to rest, to sleep more, to not see anyone and just get through the bad period, wait it out doing as little damage to your life as you can.
I have had a lot of learning to modify goals, and there is a time to throw them out the window altogether. Because of the meds affecting my balance, I will never again be the rider I was when young and high. Ok. I can just enjoy having the horses if I can’t ride- just visit. If I can’t visit ,enjoy them out the window. 'Course when your down enjoy isn’t an option- but you must avoid the whole guilt thing. They can wait, you don’t HAVE to ride.
I am writing too much, but I hope something I said helps.
How has my horse helped me through rough times? I think I owe my life to my first horse, who I got as VERY depressed adolesent. I lived to ride that backyard horse every day. He was the perfect first horse, my best friend, and as the depression deepened, my only friend. Through a suicide attempt, hospitalization,and a whole lot of confusion- he was the constant.
I have slight “depression” issues, managed wholly with Zoloft, but there are still days I don’t feel like riding and I have to force myself…once I zip my boots up, though, I am happy, and even happier once I get on my horses. In that way I do think they help with my mental state!
I think non-physical disabilities are sometimes more difficult to deal with then physical disabilities. There is such a stigma attatched only because people cannot understand things they cannot see or feel. Dealing with my physical problems has caused depression. I have gone through the “why me?” period. Non-physical pain cuts just as deeply as physical pain. Frankly, I think the world would be a much nicer place if we all had shrinks!!!
Exercise helps increase seratonin levels and thus creates a more even mood, sleep pattern, hunger pattern, etc. Anything you do around the barn is exercise and will help you feel better. If you are too depressed to ride, just groom your horse super thoroughly. At that point, you may have the urge to ride.
When I am “safe” to do so…safe as in I am well enough that I can stay on the horse 
…I will go on a long trail walk if my body or mind is too tired to “really ride.” That always makes me feel better.
Non-physical issues are a huge problem and they are serious. I am so impressed that people are comfortable enough to share their truly deep problems. Disabilities come in many forms and I hope that everyone who posts on this forum is a big enough person to be compassionate toward the problems of our fellow riders. Whether our problems can be seen or are invisible, these disabilities make it tough to ride sometimes. Some days I hurt so much that I can barely crawl out of bed. Though it is physical pain, it is no worse then someone who is having the same issue because of emotional pain. We all need to stick together
Thank you Invite. Part of the stigma is that very few people understand how difficult a mental illness is.
My story is very similar to SouthwestRerider’s. My first horse (who I still have) saved my life. I struggle with severe depression, which I successfully hid all through middle and high school, and my horse was the reason I never committed suicide. He just knew, and I couldn’t have asked for a better first horse or best friend. Now I have him, retired, and my TB gelding, and they really help. If I’m in a downswing with my depression, I won’t be motivated to ride, but just going out helps, and more often than not, I’ll end up riding. My depression is managed with medication, and while I’ll always struggle with it, I’m proactive about it.
Try to find someone who can help keep you accountable, and who will notice when you slip into a spiral. Don’t let guilt overcome you or get in the way either…your horse won’t reeeeallly care if he gets ridden, as long as he gets meals, and I’m sure he’d appreciate hugs and treats…sometimes that’s all it takes to make YOU feel better too…
My research is very fundamental, basic neurobiology - understanding how neural circuits develop and function. We are beginning to better understand that depression can be very much a developmental disorder, and unfortunately, the brain is so complex and there is still so much we do not know. When I talk with people who are not in science, they understand the need for cancer research, or for neurodegenerative diseases like Parkinsons. But unless they (or someone they know) are affected, many still believe that depression is something you can “snap out of.”
A wonderful resource is NARSAD - National Alliance for Research Against Schizophrenia and Depression - www.narsad.com and www.narsad.org.
I hope that we can come full circle - understand how our interactions with animals, especially horses, can be such a powerful therapy.
Invite I agree 100%. I don’t tell many people about my illness (or if I do I usually couch it as a neurological disorder and don’t get any more specific). In the past I’ve had people drop and run from me. Or people who react totally inappropriately from thereon out to anything I do that they perceive as “crazy”. I’m not crazy just not well. Thanks.
So I’ve learned to be very discreet. I wonder though if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I know it protects me but it would be nice to let people know that those with SMI are not necessarily crazy. I’ve met some crazy folks (mostly NOT inpatient ironically). I do wonder at the educating the public versus protecting my own privacy balance.
Class Action, Dressage Geek, Invite-very well said!! Many people just do not know how to deal with those suffering from depression, bipolar disorder, etc. I guess it’s like how some people are uncomfortable around those in wheelchairs-they don’t know what to do so they stay far away and avoid eye contact. If you choose to only interact with nondisabled people(physically and mentally), you really miss out on a lot of beautiful souls-people with a wonderful depth of character, insight and empathy.
Every time you tell people that you suffer from a mental disorder, there is a risk of being judged or worse yet, alienated. I remember when Oprah Winfrey revealed that she suffered from depression-it took a lot of courage for her to do that. I think that she has probably helped countless people by that one act more than it has hurt her public image. I really admire her for that.
My feeling is that if I help just one person seek help or consider counseling or medication, it is worth that possible alienation. I don’t tell everyone that I suffer from depression and I usually try to wait until they know me well enough that it’s past the first impression stage. If it could possibly help them or someone they love by having someone to talk to, then it’s worth it. The most important thing with a mental disorder is to know that you are not alone and you do not need to suffer alone. Everyone deserves to be happy-and if being on medication or in counseling allows you to achieve that, then that is wonderful. My medication does not “make” me happy-it allows me to be who I truly am. And to my surprise(and this was after overcoming my fear of going to counseling)-I like the person that I am-imperfections and all.
Of course, the cool thing with horses is that they’ve seen the good side all along and they don’t have any expectations on us other than to respect and care for them as best we can.
Speaking of Oprah…
This is a little off the subject of horses, but it has a lot to do with disabilities. Ever since Tom Cruise made those awful remarks when Brooke Shields was going through post partum depression, I have refused to go to, rent, or watch any of his movies. I will not spend a dime of my money on anything that will put money in his pocket. He is a great example of how ignorant people can be when it comes to physical and non physical disabilities.
We would all love to be “normal” riders. We would all love to participate in our sport without a disability hindering us. The fact is there will always be disabled people out there, be that disability physical or otherwise. COTH is helping us pave the way for future disabled riders by giving us this forum to work through out difficulties.
My thoughts of the evening are 2 thumbs up for COTH and the disabled riders brave enough to put themselves out there and 2 thumbs down to close minded people like Tom Cruise!!!
[QUOTE=mkevent;4461698]
Of course, the cool thing with horses is that they’ve seen the good side all along and they don’t have any expectations on us other than to respect and care for them as best we can.[/QUOTE]
This. THIS is what it is all about.
[QUOTE=Invite;4461976]
This is a little off the subject of horses, but it has a lot to do with disabilities. Ever since Tom Cruise made those awful remarks when Brooke Shields was going through post partum depression, I have refused to go to, rent, or watch any of his movies. I will not spend a dime of my money on anything that will put money in his pocket. He is a great example of how ignorant people can be when it comes to physical and non physical disabilities.
We would all love to be “normal” riders. We would all love to participate in our sport without a disability hindering us. The fact is there will always be disabled people out there, be that disability physical or otherwise. COTH is helping us pave the way for future disabled riders by giving us this forum to work through out difficulties.
My thoughts of the evening are 2 thumbs up for COTH and the disabled riders brave enough to put themselves out there and 2 thumbs down to close minded people like Tom Cruise!!![/QUOTE]
Absolutely. No more Tom Cruise (or anything remotely connected with the folks involved in scientology) for me. I hope his remarks didn’t have too widespread damage as he was clearly…not himself.
I think that the most judgemental people are the ones that have never learned to accept themselves. Trying to hold onto an ideal of “perfection” can be so damaging…
I remember my daughter had a friend whose mother was obsessive/compulsive about cleanliness. Because the OCD was about something generally viewed as “positive”(being clean), she never accepted that her illness was ruining her life. I find it so sad that she’ll probably never experience inner peace or self acceptance. Because she was also very judgemental, she had difficulty maintaining relationships.
Admitting that we are not perfect can be so freeing-being able to laugh at yourself and your imperfections makes life so much easier. Yes I have depression-but I also have a great sense of humor!! My husband and daughters are able to joke about my OCD tendencies and I don’t get upset-it is what it is. Ironically, my father and brothers don’t believe in antidepressants-sometimes even loved ones might never understand and that’s ok, too. Find the people that support you and help you. It’s all about learning to accept and manage the disease and this forum is a great way to do that.
I have PTSD, and my ponies have helped me more than any human therapist ever has. I’ve been sick on & off since June (went off antidepressant), so I’ve been barely able to see them, which has been rough.
My mother was extremely abusive (hence the PTSD), and I’ve disowned her. However, I had no idea what it was like to have a mother. My Haflinger was very nurturing and loving, while also making me stand up for myself, and she’s become my mom. Then my other girl was also abused, and is very sensitive, so she’s a lot like me. The only difference between us is that she’s a horse.
Right now, I just don’t feel good. I’d like to see my ponies, but I don’t feel up to the drive to the stable.
[QUOTE=sayyadina;4463556]
I have PTSD, and my ponies have helped me more than any human therapist ever has. I’ve been sick on & off since June (went off antidepressant), so I’ve been barely able to see them, which has been rough.
…snip…
Right now, I just don’t feel good. I’d like to see my ponies, but I don’t feel up to the drive to the stable.[/QUOTE]
hugs sayyadina, been there. still there. probably always will be. With this illness, or any illness for that matter, we have a huge need for unconditional love. This is what we get from our ponies. ( If they’re 17hh+ I still think of them as my “ponies”. )
You say don’t feel up to the drive. Can you ask anyone to accompany you? Can you ask the BM to post a note ( you can fax it over ) on the Notice Board at the barn for sharing a drive AND/OR looking for a riding partner?
Ultimately, you might consider have a closer stable - not so easy, I know, but a possibility.
Staying home and feeling guilty about it is only going to make you feel worse, and being with our ponies helps us to feel so much better. So try to find a riding buddy or at least someone who will drive you there until you feel up to it. Who knows, it may take one or two drives before you’re up to it. Do try to get to the barn, even talk to your BM if you feel comfortable - you never know when barn folks are doing errands and practically whizzing past your house on the way. I have found that many horse people do care, especially the mature ones, they’ve lived long enough to know that life isn’t always easy.
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