Not riding anymore but don't want to give up horses

[The_Horse_Nerd]

Posting here because I’m not quite sure of a better place to post this. I’m strongly considering giving up riding itself. I’ve been riding for almost 18 years, have had horses for 15, and am almost 24y/o. Physically, I’m perfectly fine to keep riding horses (even if I am a tad beat up for my age). I’ve been incredibly lucky thus far when it comes to riding - only a total of two falls, neither with anything more than bruises. It’s important to note that number of falls is simply due to having mostly well-mannered and well-trained horses who are kept as comfortable as possible at all times.
I lost my first horse in 2020 when she was 28 years old to colic. I hadn’t ridden her in 3 years at that point, and instead had been riding my mom’s paint and my trainer’s school horses. Last year I bought an 8y/o Welsh x Kiger gelding who is absolutely amazing. Very well trained, if unconfident, and the friendliest horse I’ve ever known. He’s very fun and easy to ride, and is my perfect type of horse (not fast, but not arena-sour either). He does have mild arthritis in his hocks, which is early for his age and I knew that when buying him.
And yet I’m finding myself scared to ride. I have a son who’s 1 1/2 old now and I keep finding myself worrying that an accident might happen and leave him without a mother. It doesn’t help that riding has always terrified me, regardless of how much I love horses. Cantering is literally my biggest fear, though mainly because I’ve had a lot of bad experiences with it. My first mare was really the only horse I ever felt fully safe on, but I’ve tried not having horses in my life altogether and it just completely tanks my mental state. On top of that, I already have a host of hip and back problems - I’m more beat up than my husband who played hockey.

In short, I’m strongly considering giving up riding altogether. I just don’t know if it’s worth the stress it causes me. I don’t want to rehome my gelding, as I still love doing liberty work with him, and realistically, he needs to move for his arthritis but also shouldn’t be heavily worked anyways. I very clearly still need horses in my life for the therapeutic aspect of it. Driving isn’t an option where I live, we don’t really have any trainers nearby and I definitely don’t want to try it on my own.

My question is, has anyone else given up riding (even if temporarily and not due to injury), and kept their horses? And if so, how did you keep them in shape?
As a compromise I’m considering, just sticking to walk/trot and only in “safe” circumstances - good weather, calm/happy horse, proper footing, etc. Obviously that doesn’t negate all risks in the saddle, but it does remove a lot of them.

[Scribbler]

@The_Horse_Nerd

Posting here because I’m not quite sure of a better place to post this. I’m strongly considering giving up riding itself. I’ve been riding for almost 18 years, have had horses for 15, and am almost 24y/o. Physically, I’m perfectly fine to keep riding horses (even if I am a tad beat up for my age). I’ve been incredibly lucky thus far when it comes to riding - only a total of two falls, neither with anything more than bruises. It’s important to note that number of falls is simply due to having mostly well-mannered and well-trained horses who are kept as comfortable as possible at all times.
I lost my first horse in 2020 when she was 28 years old to colic. I hadn’t ridden her in 3 years at that point, and instead had been riding my mom’s paint and my trainer’s school horses. Last year I bought an 8y/o Welsh x Kiger gelding who is absolutely amazing. Very well trained, if unconfident, and the friendliest horse I’ve ever known. He’s very fun and easy to ride, and is my perfect type of horse (not fast, but not arena-sour either). He does have mild arthritis in his hocks, which is early for his age and I knew that when buying him.
And yet I’m finding myself scared to ride. I have a son who’s 1 1/2 old now and I keep finding myself worrying that an accident might happen and leave him without a mother. It doesn’t help that riding has always terrified me, regardless of how much I love horses. Cantering is literally my biggest fear, though mainly because I’ve had a lot of bad experiences with it. My first mare was really the only horse I ever felt fully safe on, but I’ve tried not having horses in my life altogether and it just completely tanks my mental state. On top of that, I already have a host of hip and back problems - I’m more beat up than my husband who played hockey.

In short, I’m strongly considering giving up riding altogether. I just don’t know if it’s worth the stress it causes me. I don’t want to rehome my gelding, as I still love doing liberty work with him, and realistically, he needs to move for his arthritis but also shouldn’t be heavily worked anyways. I very clearly still need horses in my life for the therapeutic aspect of it. Driving isn’t an option where I live, we don’t really have any trainers nearby and I definitely don’t want to try it on my own.

My question is, has anyone else given up riding (even if temporarily and not due to injury), and kept their horses? And if so, how did you keep them in shape?
As a compromise I’m considering, just sticking to walk/trot and only in “safe” circumstances - good weather, calm/happy horse, proper footing, etc. Obviously that doesn’t negate all risks in the saddle, but it does remove a lot of them.

First, do you experience anxiety in other areas of your life, and is this spill over from that? Or depression? Do you find yourself catastrophizing other scenarios about being a new mom?

Two, how confident are you in any other sports that require balance and speed and risk taking? Do you ski? Etc.

Three, how fit are you? Especially how good are your abs and have you had a weight gain with pregnancy? Losing muscle and gaining weight can change our sense of balance and stability.

Four, why do you want to ride?

It’s perfectly fine to walk away from horses when our life pulls us in a different direction. Or when our physical or mental health isn’t up to it. I stopped riding in college and picked it up again iny 40s. These days I don’t ride if my life is too stressful or distracting.

Depending what the answers are, I’d suggest to make a choice to suspend riding for 6 months. Get a gym routine going and get into your best shape ever. Get counseling if there is an anxiety component here. And just enjoy being a mom. Lots of people have horses and never ride them.

[rockonxox]

There are plenty of people who have horses for “lawn ornaments” or pets and never ride them. Some never cared to ride and plenty rode and gave it up. My sister is one of them. She stopped riding after she had a couple kids. Same situation as you… no real accidents to speak of, just didn’t want to risk it and didn’t care if she rode or not and didn’t want to sell the horses. There is nothing wrong with that. If you don’t want your horses to potentially lose training (maybe one day you will want to ride again) do you have a trainer, friends, family, anyone who rides? If horses are boarded at a barn any good riding individuals there (whether it be an adult or a junior) interested in riding to keep your horse fit but isn’t necessarily looking for a full commitment lease (ie: just wants a couple extra days under saddle)? Can you not just do liberty work to keep your horse in shape… or are there extra factors other than the arthritis going on?

[Texarkana]

FWIW: having a kid can really mess with your emotions.

I was uncharacteristically nervous around my horses until my kid was about 2. It was really bad when he was an infant. I was still on edge after his first birthday. Now he’s 3 and I’m more or less “back to normal.”

Horses are perfectly happy doing nothing in a field. If you don’t want to ride right now, don’t ride.

[OverandOnward]

Aside from keeping or not keeping horses …

… consider volunteering to help with shows and events in your area.

You can enjoy the day and do another one, or not. It’s a one-off, so there is no obligation to keep doing it.

It’s a great way to keep up with what is going on and stay in touch with horse people.

Sometimes riding is not the thing for someone. There is nothing wrong with that.

If you are keeping horses on your property, I wouldn’t make their care and upkeep too complicated. It’s nice to keep them somewhat fit. But if they fall out of shape and are just ornaments, that’s fine. Trust me they have no higher ambitions.

[jvanrens]

If you board, like someone suggested up-thread, see if there is someone who would like to take your horse for walk-trot hacks/trail rides and continue your liberty work. To get extra time horse time in (I know that can be tricky as the parent of a young one) maybe volunteer at a riding program for people with physical issues. It’s something I’ve thought of doing, and one of these days might get off my ample backside to try.

[Impractical_Horsewoman]

There’s nothing wrong with making the decision not to ride, and it sounds like your horse is very happy! But I also agree that you might want to reflect if anxiety limits you in other areas of your life. I don’t think a woman should have to live her entire life worrying what will happen to her children and limit herself. Also, do you enjoy even casual riding at all? There’s nothing wrong with just walking around on a horse, in a Western saddle (which makes some people feel safer).

[red_mares]

It’s fine not to ride. I don’t ride, I quit that years ago. I had to choose between walking and riding. Walking is pretty useful, so…

The ankles and feet are probably good enough that I could ride now if I wanted to, but I really don’t want to. I’ve gotten heavy and out of shape and would be stuck trail riding or just putzing which would drive me nuts. I can drive the hell out of a horse or pony.

My niece (10) is almost hooked on driving. She doesn’t get to the barn regularly and never made much progress riding. She’s not one of those kids who is OK with mediocre. It’s easier to drive at random intervals than ride. She’s still way more into the barn cats though.

[OverandOnward]

@red_mares

She’s still way more into the barn cats though.

Have a lesson student on that wavelength.

I don’t care how much time is wasted on barn cats vs riding, for a young student who is not nearly as into this as her parents think she is. Or think she should be. There is no compelling purpose to her riding other than that she enjoys animals and for her it’s clearly just a diversion from the rest of her life. My goal is not to put the pressure on her that she feels in the rest of her life. So far, so good. (The cat deserves a raise for his enormous service of providing comfort and amusement to lesson students.)

I think that once we have been engaged into a sport, especially if we have done it competitively, it can be hard to turn down the jets. I get the feeling that there has to be some great purpose to my riding, something being accomplished – but really, that’s just in my head.

The horse doesn’t care what we do as long as he feels basically good about it. There doesn’t have to be some great purpose. It’s ok to step back and cruise. Or to put it down altogether. We don’t owe anyone anything re horse sport.

[red_mares]

Just to be clear - barn trips are her choice. I’ve not pushed. It’s a road trip; no one wants an unwilling 10 yro in a car for 4 hours. I think that’s some of the appeal, a day away from everyone without a lot of stress.

I had some years off from horses and am having a ball showing. Given the experiences I’ve had in my professional life, doing briefings and meetings, showing a horse is cake.

[LCDR]

Yes, but I am much older than you and financially stable. I kept my horses and enjoyed taking care of them and seeing them compete in eventing as an owner.

[CHT]

I have a client who loves her horse, but the two were miserable when she tried to ride it. She was convinced it was some sort of failing that she couldn’t ride her horse. Then we started doing in hand work and in hand obstacles…it has helped both owner and horse with confidence and they both have something to do/look forward to!

Just enjoy your large pet, however you want to. Going for walks, liberty work, in hand stuff…there are even some good online shows with fun in hand classes if that is something you would enjoy!

[The_Horse_Nerd]

Thanks for the words of encouragement everyone! I don’t know if I want to give up riding entirely, but definitely need to get used to/accept the idea that just plodding around is perfectly fine. I wasn’t ever really into showing (didn’t have the funds or the nice horses), but all my equestrian influences (trainers, friends, etc.) all believed that you have to ride a lot for horses to be worth it.

I guess the biggest thing will be to figure out how to keep him in shape enough from the ground so that I can ride him once a week at most without compromising his comfort.
We’re in a very rural area but I tried boarding him at the one boarding facility I have locally so I could work with the only “good” (i.e. “non-abusive”) trainer in the area in hopes that it would help boost my confidence… long story short, my horse became very fearful of people in only two weeks at the barn so I moved him back to my parents’ property and will not be working with a local trainer again. He’s back to his normal “golden retriever” self again, but it took quite a bit of re-building his trust and he’s absolutely terrified of side reins and anything that’s restricting to his head now (because the trainer heavily misused them).

My gelding absolutely LOVES liberty work - I’ve never seen a horse with so much joy for something before. He came with a solid foundation in it, I’m just still learning all his buttons. For now, we’ll keep doing liberty and I’ll give riding walk/trot a try if/when I feel up for it. He certainly doesn’t seem to care if he’s a lawn ornament so long as he gets to do his liberty work at least every other day - any longer than that and he starts pacing at the gate!

[The_Horse_Nerd]

I’ve been in therapy for anxiety on and off for years, and currently am. I’ve always been the “worrying” type, to the point where it has always interfered with my life. I really enjoyed riding my first horse, but I started riding her when I was 6, she only really could do walk/trot + some lateral work, and was, quoting everyone who ever saw her, “the slowest thing on 4 legs” they’d ever seen. Every other horse was absolutely terrifying to ride, seemed too fast, and it took me over ten years of riding to finally be comfortable riding other sane horses. My new gelding is about as close to her personality-wise as I think I’ll ever get, but I still need to build the same level of trust that I just sort of just naturally had with her.
I use a dressage saddle because that’s what my hips agree the most with, though down the road I might try a classical/baroque saddle and see if I feel more secure in one of those.

[Scribbler]

@The_Horse_Nerd

I’ve been in therapy for anxiety on and off for years, and currently am. I’ve always been the “worrying” type, to the point where it has always interfered with my life. I really enjoyed riding my first horse, but I started riding her when I was 6, she only really could do walk/trot + some lateral work, and was, quoting everyone who ever saw her, “the slowest thing on 4 legs” they’d ever seen. Every other horse was absolutely terrifying to ride, seemed too fast, and it took me over ten years of riding to finally be comfortable riding other sane horses. My new gelding is about as close to her personality-wise as I think I’ll ever get, but I still need to build the same level of trust that I just sort of just naturally had with her.
I use a dressage saddle because that’s what my hips agree the most with, though down the road I might try a classical/baroque saddle and see if I feel more secure in one of those.

Ok, you are very lucky to have your horses at your parents farm.

So here’s the thing. You are now an adult. You have your own child, you have your nice horse at home. You know you have some anxiety issues. And now you get to decide exactly what you want to do with your horse. You are the boss of you and of your horse and of your life.

So no more trainers. Forget and unlearn anything that got taught you as a junior about how hard you have to work, what you need to do to succeed, how you are meant to dominate and manhandle horses. Most of that crap is just meant to cow clients and make them dependent.

So you need to figure out what makes you happy and what makes your horse happy. Sounds like you’ve got some of what makes your horse happy figured out. So just go play. Let go of all expectations. You two might really enjoy clicker trick training too.

Is he on a field? If so he will keep a baseline of fitness and you can certainly hop on and wander around a couple days a week. And if you just want to sit on a lawn chair and watch him graze that’s fine too. Or you can handwalk him on trails.

Anxiety will eat up everything. You’ll get anxious about riding, then anxious about not riding and have him get out of shape. I don’t know how feasible it is, but try to start thinking of the horse as enough. As in, I’m here with my horse in the sunshine, and that’s enough. He nickers when he sees me, and that’s enough. He loves his liberty work, and that’s enough.

[lifeishorsesarelove]

This is excellent advice. I am a similar age, and while I still ride and have no intentions of stopping any time soon, my mid 20s has involved a LOT of reconsidering what brings me joy and letting go of the things I let myself believe I “should” be worried about.
For one, I’m a hunter/jumper rider with no aspirations beyond 2’9 fences, and even that is an aspiration, not a current reality. However, I am also REALLY GOOD at starting young horses from scratch and producing well-rounded equine citizens, fixing moderate problem behaviors, and I have a really cool mare who does a lot of really cool things that I have trained 100% myself. I am good at helping other adult owners enjoy their own horses more. If I measured my skill as a horsewoman on my horse show record and the height of the jumps I’m schooling, I don’t amount to much. But I know that’s not true, or I wouldn’t be my entire barn’s go-to source for almost every question.
If liberty work is what you enjoy, do that. Build that skill set for both of you and celebrate those successes. If you just want to ride walk/trot, or even just at a walk, DO THAT! Your horse won’t be upset and nobody else’s opinion matters anyway. You’re not “failing” at anything by choosing to do the things you enjoy.

[Texarkana]

@The_Horse_Nerd

I guess the biggest thing will be to figure out how to keep him in shape enough from the ground so that I can ride him once a week at most without compromising his comfort.

If he’s turned out and you are riding him once a week, he will be plenty comfortable for your purposes. Especially if you are just doing very sensible rides that are mostly W/T with maybe a little canter.

Don’t stress more than you need to over this!

[clanter]

@The_Horse_Nerd

My gelding absolutely LOVES liberty work - I’ve never seen a horse with so much joy for something before.

we have one dog that has been trained in scent work by a FEMA dog handler, while working with her we noticed one of horses had great interest in what was gong on…later learned that horses can be taught Air Scenting… and this horse became very good in scent work

https://airscentinghorse.com/home.htm#:~:text=Air%20Scenting%20is%20a%20search,family%20riding%20or%20show%20horse.

[trubandloki]

@Texarkana

@The_Horse_Nerd

I guess the biggest thing will be to figure out how to keep him in shape enough from the ground so that I can ride him once a week at most without compromising his comfort.

If he’s turned out and you are riding him once a week, he will be plenty comfortable for your purposes. Especially if you are just doing very sensible rides that are mostly W/T with maybe a little canter.

Don’t stress more than you need to over this!

I want to second (third?) this point.

If your horse is living a casual outside type life where he is walking around all day, etc. you will be just fine with your every now and again casual ride on him.

[dmveventer]

As long as your horse is well cared for he’ll be perfectly happy whether you ride or not. It sounds like you guys have a great relationship so if groundwork is what you need to do at this time in your life then absolutely do whatever makes you happy.

You also don’t have to make any permanent decisions right now. You’re really young and have a lot going on in your life. I know in my early twenties it felt like I needed to make a bunch of big decisions that would determine the course of my life forever but in reality you have plenty of time! Give yourself some grace. You don’t have to decide now if you want to give up riding permanently, you can just decide to take a step back for a while and see what happens. Maybe in a few years when your kid is older or other areas of your life settle down you’ll want to come back, and riding will still be there. If not, you still have an awesome horse that you enjoy working with on the ground, and that’s totally fine too.

I also think it can be good for young people to take a break from horses at some point to see what else is out there. I took a few years off after college and even though I wasn’t happy about it at the time it turned out to be a really great thing for me. I developed some other interests and basically grew up for a bit, and I came back a much stronger horse person for it. It confirmed for me that I was dedicating all my time/money/energy to horses because I genuinely loved it, not just because it was the thing I’d always done and I didn’t know who I’d be without it. I know you say you need horses for the therapeutic aspect, but you might find that stepping back for 6-12 months gives you some perspective you didn’t even realize was out there.