Not sure if I want to to do it anymore

[alter1231]

Using a new account because I feel slightly ashamed of it, but I feel like I have to get this off my chest.

I’ve had bad luck with horses for the past two or so years; it started with on/off lameness, eventually finding out it was a soft tissue injury (still rehabbing), dental issues where I find out the horse can’t live on normal hay anymore in the dead of winter which caused me a mad scramble to get him on haycube/chopped hay/anything but normal hay, miscellaneous cuts and scrapes that caused constant cleaning and monitoring, etc. and i’m completely burnt out, emotionally and financially.

It’s to the point where I resent going to the barn anymore, and unfortunately, I can’t just not go as the place I board him does take good care of him but he does require some extra care that they don’t provide. I’m just sick of constant issues with little reward (riding) and the approaching winter isn’t helping. I also live in an urban area so the drive to the barn usually takes me about 30 minutes, which isn’t bad, but also is usually a close to two to three hour ordeal after everything is all said and done, and I leave completely drained and bitter about how I miss when things used to be fun.

I ended up starting to take lessons at a different barn and felt myself actually having fun again; this sounds horrible, but it was so nice to just go ride and not worry about health issues of the horse because it wasn’t my responsibility. I just went and worked on myself and it was a blast. The lesson program ended up shutting down a month after I started, and it was my breaking point. I was devastated that the thing that started to make me love horses again was gone and was back to square one.

It’s hard because this has been such a big part of me for the majority of my life; i’m still fairly young (approaching early thirties) so I think if I could get a good break in I could get back into it after a few months, but I feel like because I have my horse and he has all this maintenance and extra care, I can’t escape it.

I have his rehab check in a month or two so i’m tempted to see his progress and if it doesn’t look promising, I may just bring him to a retirement barn where I can trust that the extra care will be taken care of and let him live out his life in retirement. He’s older, so if the prognosis is positive, i’m honestly tempted to ride him lightly in the summer and then just retire in the following winter. The thought of just going through another winter with all of this feels like a nightmare.

Not sure there’s much advice to give, but just need to rant about how it’s so hard when you start to fall out of love with something you were once very passionate about. I feel guilty, because I do love my horse, but he also is causing me immense stress and anxiety with his issues, and has felt like a constant uphill battle.

[Scribbler]

First it’s fine to take a break from riding at any point, for whatever reason.

Second it’s fine to retire a horse permanently and find the most economical place for him to live. Horses just love love love being in a big field with a compatible herd. Even if they just quid the grass and come in for a big alfalfa cube mash at night. Horses by and large prefer a field to a stall, though they may enjoy coming inside for shelter and food.

It’s also important to consider the age of the horse.

Anyhow, sending him to a good retirement home is win/win for both of you. You may find prices drop as you leave your urban area. Just keep an eye on him and vet the farm management first.

[Libby2563]

I’m sorry you’re feeling down and I’m extremely sympathetic. Horses are freakin exhausting sometimes, as in they can literally exhaust our resources: time, money, emotional balance.

If it helps, you are not alone in these feelings. Check out the current horse shopping/ownership anxiety thread. There’s also this older thread that starts almost exactly like yours and expresses many of the same sentiments: Feeling overwhelmed, not sure I want to do this anymore. There have been tons of threads like this over the years! No need to be ashamed.

I think your idea of moving him to a retirement barn where you can be more hands off is a good one. Take a bit of a break and see how you feel next spring/summer. Winter really does make all of this less tolerable. Give yourself some time away from the day-to-day stresses to reset, consider your options, and maybe pursue some other interests.

[Impractical_Horsewoman]

Urban riding has even more challenges that riding elsewhere, and it’s such a bummer the affordable lesson program closed so quickly.

I think you need to give yourself permission that it’s “okay” not to look forward to driving for an hour in heavy traffic, on top of your work responsibilities, to care for a horse you can’t ride and who has significant (enough) health issues that his future prognosis is iffy.

How old is your horse? Could you “retire” him for a year or two in a more rural area (even now), at very least, and then “see what you have” when you’re in a better place, financially and emotionally?

[steelerino]

Retired my horse after years battling lameness issues and don’t regret it one bit. He’s far away but I made friends with one of the girls who works on the farm and she just randomly sends me pics and videos of him with his little herd and he looks so happy. It’s cheap, he lives out 24/7 and I get a break from the endless financial drain. Thankfully I have enough horse friends if I long for a trail ride I can just call one up and they have one I can take out. I sent him away in July and have yet to miss riding.

[TheJenners]

I feel for you. I don’t want to do “it” sometimes but since I own the farm, I’m obligated. However I do have a horse who just rehabed a suspensory and I think now has torn the other suspensory. I’m out of money for him. He has had three diagnosed soft tissue injuries in two years, can’t do retired life because he lives on trazadone (and was actually out on trazadone when he performed his last idiotic injury), requires shoes and special hay and has to go out alone. If I have to go out of town, he has to live in a stall+run because he isn’t always safe to handle and has given my Dad a black eye twice just being led out to his paddock so I don’t trust anyone to handle him but me and the vet, who he apparently has a giant crush on.

I’m honestly considering having him PTS this spring. Because of his veterinary antics this year, I don’t get to lesson at all since July when I normally do weekly, can’t afford to show or clinic (on my sane pony, the gelding can’t even go off property without having a screaming breakdown and can be dangerous), and have zero funds for any other animal medical emergency.

No one said horse ownership was always easy. Sometimes we have to make really hard, really shitty decisions.

[Libby2563]

@TheJenners, I’m so sorry. Even without the dangerous/unpredictable behavior I would be considering euthanasia, and that would definitely tip the scales for me. I know you love him and have done a lot to try to help him, but if he’s living on trazadone and is still a bit off in the head, he probably isn’t happy with his life either. Hugs!

[TheJenners]

Thank you. He started acting off in the crossties about 6-7 weeks ago; I had some suspicions about that other leg’s soundness already that paled in comparison to the obviously injured one, but now dances on his toe after I pick it and then ask for any other foot.

So yeah. He has been a difficult horse for 11 years and I felt like we were finally working things out this past summer before he got hurt… I don’t even know how to feel at this point other than sad and guilty.

[alter1231]

Thank you, and thanks everyone for your replies! He’s in his 20’s; I thought turning 21 this year but given some dental issues, etc. I’m thinking he may be a little older. I’m actually looking into retirement facilities after the holidays; I may wait for his final ultrasound to make a final decision, but I don’t think it’s going to be full recovery. I think likely walk/trot only, maybe canter very lightly if lucky. I don’t know if it’s worth the extra stress, time, money, etc. to keep him going at this rate, alongside his special diet that he needs. I think a retirement facility would be better equipped to handle his needs at this rate.