Odd performance anxiety, anyone dealt with this?

[Lunabear1988]

So I have long know I’ve had a bit of performance anxiety. It has changed a bit to the course of my life and I’ve definitely done some pondering about triggers/coping.

In some aspects I’ve gotten way better but in others worse which is interesting.

I used to hate riding with others, riding in clinics or shows. I would be so filled with anxiety that I would feel pretty much sick. I was terrified about being judged or doing something stupid even if I knew better which of course would just make me ride even worse! Thankfully this has gotten so much better and I really don’t think twice about people watching me ride. I enjoy clinics, group lessons and just did my first little schooling show in about 16 years. And for the show I over prepared and was worried initially but when the day came I was cool as a cucumber. I even had fun. Even though I made one small error.

But now I’m noticing some anxiety surrounding lessons and even my own private rides. This is quite odd. I live for lessons and I ride with two instructors that I get along great with. I love my horse and feel very comfortable with them even though he is only a 4-year-old. But I think this is the first time I’ve felt really surrounded and a great program with a great horse in a long time. And I think maybe that’s giving me pressure?

Seriously sometimes before going to ride my horse I’m worrying about if I’m going to ride him good enough or if I’m going to screw everything up. It’s just odd. I like riding my horse. And every lesson ends well. But still sometimes I have knots in my stomach beforehand. But I always leave feeling energized and smiling.

Has anyone else ever dealt with this?

[Lunabear1988]

I put this in Dressage because that’s my main discipline and can see it being a very “dressage rider” type thing. Basically, I’m afraid of making mistakes.

[Rerider54]

I noticed generalized anxiety after I had kids. I joke that I did not have Postpartum Depression, but Postpartum Paranoia. Now that I am older I have more anxiety, a bit of insomnia and much of what you mentioned. I have used a sports psychologist, mental rehearsal and just threw myself into LOTS of shows to make them become less of a big deal. Then the pandemic hit and it all got worse. A friend of mine who is a personal trainer said that some of her clients used Ashwaghanda with good success. It is a herbal remedy for anxiety. I am not a doctor and I have never played one on TV. However I tried it and found it did help me this summer, both with my general anxiety and at horse shows. After our last show in November I decided to take a break from it even though the holidays are very stressful for me. But so far so good. I would not say that it will fix everything.I wouldn’t use it to replace serious medication and maybe it is just placebo…but I am always up for a good placebo. YMMV.

[scislandsprite]

I’ve also dealt with this! I get imposter syndrome really bad despite having ridden for quite awhile on a variety of horses. Pretty much every time my brain is really doubtful and makes me question whether I can ride at all. Then by the end of the ride, it’s gone too. Super frustrating! Unfortunately I don’t really have any good advice although having a short clip or nice photo of a good ride can help sometimes for me to look at, just to remind me that I can sort of ride

[Lunabear1988]

I did get a little more anxious after giving birth…but it’s so much better. My family all came to the little school show and they were shocked at how calm I was. Normally I would be anxious and kind of snapping at everybody a little lol. But I was really only anxious about getting him ready on my own as no one else was there yet to help me as far as grooming. But once I was on I was fine.

I have tried herbal remedies and they maybe help a little? But it always gets better once I’m actually riding, regardless.

[Lunabear1988]

Yes! This. I have been a working student, ridden for over 20 years on all kinds of horses.

But I too start to doubt whether I can ride at all. The worst part is it can be a little bit of a self fulfilling prophecy.

Videos and photos can be a mixed bag haha but sometimes it does really help me to look back.

[netg]

I’d be surprised if you didn’t have feelings like this.

You had really rotten luck with horses, for no seeming reason, so tie that with a tendency toward anxiety, and it’s “it’s going well, somehow I’m going to mess it up, that must have somehow been my fault!” 1. No you aren’t, and 2. No it wasn’t.
But thinking that was deep down after the trauma of what you’ve been through is 100% normal. You may have some grief you haven’t realized yet, or just other unresolved feelings. But now it’s going well, of course you have emotional aftereffects!

[BigMama1]

Maybe just make your riding time outside of lessons fun, and don’t go in with a training goal or even any kind of plan. Just walk on a long rein , or ride bareback, or do something non-dressagey where you can’t be right or wrong, and therefore can’t put any pressure on yourself to ride well or badly?

I understand anxiety far, far too well. And I understand the weird anxiety that comes with finally being in a great program with a trainer, and not wanting to let them down. Here’s the thing: it’s literally their job to teach less than perfect riders. If we were all fabulous, they would be unemployed. On the days (or weeks) when everything sucks, it’s their job to help you through the suck until you get to the other side. So there’s no such thing as being not good enough, period.

As far as having a nice horse goes, there’s a pressure with that too. Pressure to do them justice, to develop them to their full potential, to make progress up the levels, to get the scores they are capable of…but please remember your horse couldn’t care less about any of it. Your horse doesn’t know if it’s fancy or not, and certainly doesn’t know if it got an 8 or a 5 at a show. It doesn’t care if it gets to Grand Prix or spends its entire career at intro.

If other people care how the horse is going, that’s a them problem, not a you problem. I know it’s easier said than done, but try to switch on your feeling brain, and switch off your thinking brain when you are getting ready for a lesson. Feel the peace of being at the barn, the warm breath of your horse, the power beneath you in the saddle. Remember why you love horses and try to capture that feeling while your in the saddle.

[Lunabear1988]

@netg your point is probably spot on at least for a big chunk of it. I’m not used to things going so smoothly from the last few years!

[Jealoushe]

I think a lot of people have this fear when they ride, that they might ruin their horse, or imposter syndrome.

I recommend reading the book “Ride Big” by John Haime. It’s an easy read, and all about being confident in your riding. Definitely check it out.

[Cat.J95]

I deal with the same issues. What I do, and I’m sure people will object, but I focus on my horse’s ears a lot to remind myself it’s just us riding in an arena. Sounds silly but it works for me.

[Lunabear1988]

I’ve definitely been trying to branch out into more fun type things as I think that is part of it. If things get too focused on goals and progress I have noticed I start to get more stressed and have less fun. And truly this is all about having fun and being a good horse person for me.

Part of it, is he’s had some professional training so even more I’m worried I’m going to mess him up! I’m so used to struggling and scrapping along with minimal support. This is so different. He is still getting one professional ride a week and then I’m taking two lessons a week. I have never in my life had such support.

And when I say nice horse he’s really not fancy lol. But he’s just a good guy, people enjoy him and he really is progressing well. Already he has surpassed my expectations for the whole year! Which is a different type of pressure.

I actually feel really good when I’m in the saddle. I just wish I didn’t have to deal with horrible stomach aches before going out.

[Lunabear1988]

I’ll check it out!

One thing I noticed that when I rode in little schooling show, is I talked to my horse a lot. I told him that he was an absolute rockstar and that we were going to blow this little show out of the park! And I even sing kind of under my breath as I was going around the warm up ring. And even around the ring before we went down centerline.

And I even forgot a circle! But in that moment I was so proud. My baby horse was really relaxed and I was too and I felt we nailed our geometry and a lot of other things. Sure it was a little silly that I forgot a circle in Intro the first test. But I didn’t really care what anybody thought at that moment. It was my horse’s first show And I was so proud that I was the one who rode him in it.

But for a few lessons we struggled with one of his canter leads. It turned out it was pretty much on me and a pretty simple fix, just turning my shoulders. But it’s been heard for me to shake when I’m riding alone or thinking about if I’ll ever achieve my goals if I sometimes get the wrong lead on him. My goal is third level. So that makes me worried about the flying changes by the way I have not had issues on actual schooled horses.

And honestly I think it only happened in like three rides and we did get the correct lead it just don’t always happen the first ask. Just that kind of stuff gets into my head. It makes me feel ashamed.

[BigMama1]

I hear you, truly. My riding anxiety means I often feel nauseous on the day of a lesson right up to the point where I sit in the saddle. And I get the not wanting to mess them up either. I’ve been lucky enough to have two lovely schoolmasters to ride over the past 2 years - a huge change from the horses I’d been able to ride up to that point.

With the first one, who I bought when she was 22, I worried a lot about messing up her training. about not being good enough for her, about not disappointing her previous owner, and about achieving certain goals I set for myself. I felt like others were judging me as unworthy of her.

And when I lost her suddenly after just one year together, I realized I had been robbing myself of joy all that time. Joy in having such a lovely horse to ride, joy in trying new skills and movements, even joy in trying and failing when it something I’d only ever dreamed of having the opportunity to try.

Failing is part of learning. Progress comes in stops and starts, with a fair bit of going backwards in between. Hopefully you can train your mind to focus on the opportunity to ride a good horse with a good trainer, and think of it as the trained horse’s job to teach you and put up with your mistakes, the same way it is your trainer’s job.

It sounds like you are doing everything right. Regular pro rides will keep your horse’s training tuned up, as well as keeping them straighter, sounder, and happier in its work so that the horse is happy and comfortable teaching you.

The horrible day we lost my lovely mare, my trainer said that she lost a colleague, not a boarder or a client, and that really resonated with me. My horse was a fellow trainer, a professor, and she was very generous in sharing her knowledge with me. My mistakes didn’t undo her training or mess her up, and your mistakes won’t do that with your horse.

[Lunabear1988]

I have had a lot of trauma (I Lost 3 horses way too soon in the last 16 years.) And in some ways I do have an attitude about enjoying it… But going about it in a very different way I guess. With my last two I wasn’t able to get much riding in or really feel that we got to do much as far as actual work. But what I did do was a lot of bonding, groundwork, grooming. So with this new guy I kind of went all in. And I have a little bit of guilt with that as well. I’m just so not used to it and I feel like I’m cheating a little. But I also felt that I deserved it a little too. I deserved the extra help this time.

It’s a balance that is so hard for me.

[BigMama1]

Getting help from a pro is not cheating, and neither is buying a horse with some training. Enjoy it, you do deserve it. Everyone does. There are no awards for struggling or always doing things the hardest way.

[Lunabear1988]

Oh to be clear, he’s 4 years old and I bought him from a barrel racing trainer! Although he was never ran or anything. But yes he’s been in at least partial training for the last few months and that definitely has elevated where he was in his education. He’s kind of in this phase between super green wiggly worm baby and schooled dressage horse. Its a phase in the training that is newer to me for sure. It’s usually been green as grass or schoolmaster types.

But it’s a great learning experience regardless! And I definitely need to try and just enjoy the journey right now

[Willesdon]

Work harder! Work harder at being in the moment. Every time you worry about ‘messing up his training’ change your thoughts, deliberately, to actively enjoying his progress in training. When you make a mistake, look for what you learned from it. When the nerves are building before the ride, think of how you feel during and after one. Everytime something stressful comes to mind, look for the positive feeling or emotion.

I’m curious if you have these fears and distress in other areas of life or only with horses?

I have a friend who is worried if she isn’t worried before riding. The rest of her life, she does very well and is eminent in her field with an international reputation for her expertise. Just worry about the horses, which she loves.

[eightpondfarm]

I don’t really care about other people looking at me, thinking about me etc. I have always been ‘weird’. Ask anyone, they’ll tell you ‘she is weird’ My fear with people is that they will try to talk with me (or maybe even try to give me a hug or something) and distract me from concentration on the one thing i’m there for, my horse (or dog if it’s a K9 thing). I keep distance from folks and don’t look at them, don’t ‘hear’ them if they speak to me unless i know them, or unless they are in a position of relevance to my situation.
Strangers judging…not in my purview. This is my position in how i, personally, relate to people in a performance setting.

How my ANIMALS are perceived is an entirely different thing! I want them to express their beauty outwardly. I want them to be dressed well and to perform well. But i think that comes-with a danger of sorts…

I kinda have a thing about ‘evil eye’ and my dogs all wear a little talisman when we work among people. I’ll have a little evil eye on my horses’ tack somewhere if and when we ever go out in public.

With my dogs, i don’t have them be totally polished before taking them through a test. Their failure doesn’t feel like a ‘black mark’ upon me. I look at a failed test as a training opportunity. I see how they work in a pressurized setting and find where i need to adjust their training. Most of my teammates will attempt to pass certification early-on and are not too worried about peer judgement. A couple are though…and won’t put through a dog until it’s training is advanced. And sure, people talk. They judge. Everyone is subject to that. It’s not unique to me, or you or anyone in particular. And since it’s ubiquitous, does it really matter enough to take it personally?

[Jealoushe]

Seriously, check the book out. It will help you with exactly this mindset. You have to focus and remember all the times you have been successful in the past, and focus on that. Not on the what ifs. Focus on how many times you have nailed that test at home or a show. Also practice visualization regularly. Practice going to the show, unloading, warming up etc all through visualization. You can tackle your anxiety that way, in the comfort of your chair at home.