OT... depression help?

[system]

This is not directly riding related, but from some of the posts I’ve read on here in the past, I think there are some people here who could offer me some words of encouragement or advice…

I am having a hard time lately with depression. (It has to do with horses in that it has become hard to drag myself to the barn and ride). I had a short term relationship with a guy who was kind of messed up, and it sent me into a tailspin. I am doing all the things I think I am supposed to do–seeing a therapist, trying to stick to my routine, going on antidepressants–but it’s been a month and it’s still really hard to get up in the morning.

This is the third time this has happened to me, and it’s really scary. My friends don’t really understand, my self-esteem is plummeting… I’m finding it hard to be with people but also hard to be alone.

does anyone here have experiences they can share? i feel like my light has gone out… i know i will get through this, but it’s really hard right now.

i know i’m a mess when i don’t even want to see my horse, and i dread my lessons because I am riding terribly.

I’m sorry if this is inappropriate to post here, I just have the feeling that there are many wise and kind people here who might understand.

thanks.

[Portia]

I saw an article yesterday about a new study on the differences in the way mens’ and womens’ brains work in feeling and processing emotions. It seems women in general really do feel things more strongly than men do, and remember strong emotions and emotional enocounters more clearly than men do.

Relevant to this topic, they are studying whether the differences in how men and women process emotions may explain why women are more prone to depression than are men, since the chemisty of depression can be triggered by dwelling on emotional situations and being slow to process them and let go.

Here’s a link to the article:
New Study Says Female Brain is Wired for Emotion

Coming from a family history of depression and myself having been diagnosed with chronic clinical depression 10 years or so ago, all I can say is, thank God I live in the era of medical science that found the chemical source of depression and developed Prozac. I take it every day and it doesn’t do a thing for me, except make me feel normal.

“I’m designed for sitting. That’s why my butt is covered in soft fur.” Dogbert

[rockstarr]

… Depression is just like any other condition - it can be chronic, depending on the sort, and sometimes people who are prone to it must take special care to be certain that their head, emotions and feelings are always (for the most part) in the right place, and take steps to correct it when it is not.

It sounds like you’re doing all of those things. It’s great that you are seeing a therapist, and also good that you are taking medication. However, if it’s been 4 weeks on the meds, and you haven’t seen much improvement yet, you may consider telling your doctor, and possibly altering your prescription.

I have found that the best thing to do during a low period is spend time with the people who understand and are patient with you. People who don’t have problems with depression don’t always understand, and you mention that your friends don’t “get it.” That’s not uncommon. And it’s not their fault. They’re very lucky if depression has never touched their lives.

That said, you need to find some peers who can understand you (aside from any at this board). Find an anonymous support group in your hometown if you don’t have a friend or two who’s “been there, done that.”

Also, I would suggest looking deep into your mood right now and finding something … anything … that gives you a bit of pleasure. If it’s not the horses, that’s okay. Maybe it’s a book, movies, or even the silliest TV show. You need something to look forward to every day, even if you have to force yourself. It’s likely that you still feel numb and a bit purposeless. That’s completely normal. Once your meds get into your system, you’ll see a difference, bit by bit.

I’m not sure your age or stage of life, so I can’t tell if you work or go to school. But maintaining normalcy in those realms can be a challenge, as well.

Obviously, this is something I know a lot about. I’ve been through it for my own set of circumstances. One of the things I work for in my adult life, during my free time, is greater Depression Awareness. I know, it’s oh-so-very Tipper Gore, but when I went through it myself, there was a lot of shame and second-guessing … and it kept me from getting the help I needed right away. I wasted so much time worrying about the fact that I was “defective” or “weak” instead of getting right to the point and addressing the causes and effects. That’s why I’m so open about it today. I’m a grown up, I’m actually a really strong woman professionally and personally, but I will always … ALWAYS … have to stop and check my head and make sure I’m on the right track. Like some people check their blood pressure.

Life is hard sometimes … for everyone. I just want to say keep at it, day by day, and continue to watch your progress and consult your doctor and pretty soon I’m willing to bet that you’ll see a difference. And, hopefully pretty soon, you’ll feel stronger, and going to the barn will become a pleasant high-point in your life again.

Best of luck to you!

[poltroon]

I know this month has FELT like forever, but from my external experience, it seems that often the drugs take longer than that (6 weeks) to kick in. Or maybe one of the other drugs will work better for you.

As for riding, you don’t need to tell all to your trainer if you don’t want to, but you might mention that you’re feeling discouraged and untalented and unconfident, and ask if maybe she can have you work on some exercises you’re good at. I know that sometimes going back a step helps me remember how far I’ve come.

Take care of yourself. Maybe try to find some really good rollicking novels to pass some of the time - when I was sick and every minute was a torment, Harry Potter and some old juvenile/young adult horsey novels helped brighten my perspective.

[Robby_Johnson]

Heidi,

I so cannot wait to meet you! You just totally put into words so much about my life too.

AA, I came from a family that also looked down on mental illness. God forbid anyone admit to being physically and mentally flawed. We were warriors. It was hard.

My problems started after I moved away and when 175 pound Robby came back from Christmas, four months later, at 148 pounds, everyone started whispering. When I told my mother what was happening she said, “just get over it.”

Oh. Well why didn’t I think of that? Boy, that’s an easy solution.

Well, I did get over it. But not instantly. I did it by realizing that my parents - as much as I love them - aren’t me. My life is mine to live. My depression was my battle. I remained a warrior, but a warrior of a different kind. One who was compassionate to mental illness and who knows what it’s like to have dark days.

I will never forget, as long as I live, standing in front of a 3-way mirror at Prada in a $1500 outfit (which I bought) and having 3 staff members fawning all over me saying things like, “this is the body Miuccia Prada designs clothes for.” I literally had this out of body experience almost, and was staring at a person I didn’t even recognize.

I’m so glad it’s over. And what I took from the entire experience is that I would never want anyone to go through what I went through.

My parents always told me to tell the truth. I sometimes think they probably regretted that when I told them I was gay. When I told them I was depressed. You get the picture.

Never sway from the truth. It’s the only thing that is real.

To saldalter … I have numerous thirtysomething single girlfriends who are going through what you are going through. Ask yourself this question. Is it worth the misery to achieve a social ideal? So you’re not married. Big deal. Madonna wasn’t either. Sharon Stone wasn’t either. You get the picture.

Relationships aren’t always hunky-dory either. It’s hard work. You go be fabulous at 33. You go be fabulous at 43. As Sharon Stone said in Basic Instinct, “I don’t make any rules Nick … I go with the flow.” Being a little hedonistic is always healing!!!

Robby

[ponygrl]

one word - celexa.

i got tired of feeling like crap, my mom wasn’t supportive. so i made an appointment with my primary care physician (patient confidentiality) and talked to him for about 2 hours, came out with a bottle of orange pills and a followup in 6 weeks.

Within a week my mom said I was another person. I haven’t had that follow up yet, but drugs work. Don’t deny that, I know people don’t want chemicals ruling their lives, but I will take it over being miserable anyday.

Laura

[Patsducky]

Dear Sadalter: I have been in that bottomless pit, twice - when it is an effort to roll over in bed, let alone get up…when it seems that the whole world is painted in grey and black…when you feel you are hanging onto the wall of a deep, bottomless pit and you are loosing your grip…when it hurts to think, it hurts to LIVE, and you see no hope… and I have something very, very important to tell you: I am here - I made it, and so can you…I’ll help you - let me try to help you!!! I have been through two long, severe clinical depressions. Numerous medications, numerous combinations of medications, seemingly endless months of waiting for the meds to work, then changing meds, and waiting again…uncounted therapy sessions - and finally, each time I resorted to ECT (which worked), but the point here is that I made it back - I never thought I would…but I did. And I know that you feel no one can understand, but I can…hang on, hold tight, and please let me try to help you !

[Blue_Devil]

I searched “Depression” and “Equine” and I found a list-serv on YahooGroups! for “equine enthusiasts who suffer from depression.”

Here’s the link: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/horses_depression/

I have no idea if it’s good, but it’s worth a try!

Emily proud
member of the junior clique!
Emily@catchride.com

[Lisamarie8]

I’ve been there, am there and have erected the City limits and been elected mayor, Grand PooBah and General Care Practioner.

I won’t go into the whole story, but I’ve tried EVERY medication out there. Paxil, Wellbutrin, Serzone, Celexa, Prozac…They helped! They made it possoble for me to leave the house (i wouldn’t do that for DAYS at a time), for me to get through and entire day without crying hystercly for no reason (a day did NOT pass that this didn’t happen). However THIS IS THE IMPORTANT PART, IF YOU IGNORE EVERYTHING ELSE READ THIS!!! they didn’t make what was making me sad go away. They made it possible for me to be MEDICALLY (yes it IS a medical problem) healthy enough to face my problems head on…with thanks to Lynn the Wonder Shrink .

In the past 2 months, i’ve left my husband, moved and started a new job. Has it been hard? The hardest thing I’ve ever done. Have I been Sad? Unbelievably so. I wont go into all of my “issues” but i have a VERY good idea what you’re going through. I’m getting better. I’m currently unmedicated and feeling great, so if you ever want to speak to someone who’s currently on the lighter end of the long dark tunnel feel free to e-mail me. 8lisamarie@home.com

Tootles,
LisaMarie

– Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

[This message was edited by lisamarie8 on Feb. 25, 2002 at 11:02 PM.]

[armandh]

so for all the bipolarites “this too will pass”

[Sleepy]

Besides going to therapy and taking your meds, you need to turn the focus outward. Volunteering is a great way to do that. Helping others has always been one of the best ways to help yourself.

[TrakHack]

What’s great about this board is all the differing perspectives you get. I guess mine is a little different from others, in that when I’m really, really depressed there is nothing in life I look forward to, and just going through the motions of a day-to-day routine can be hard. What I’ve found is that finding an anti-depressant that works is a bit of trial and error. Zoloft made me happy, but also made me not care about anything important. Celexa was good for my mind, but I gained 30 pounds on it, and THAT depressed me even more! I’m taking Wellbutrin now, and it seems to ward off the depression while still allowing for normal emotions.

I guess I don’t have any great advice here, but I know when I’m depressed the idea of never waking up again doesn’t seem so bad. What keeps me going is thinking of the people and animals who care about me, remembering that I do make a difference in their lives. Sometimes I get the feeling that I’m not good enough for my horse, that I don’t deserve her, that I’m short-changing her by my limitations, but then I think “Heck, she doesn’t give a hoot such things. She loves me because I know just where to scratch her ears and I keep they hay coming.” Similarly, when I feel like no one cares about me, I come home to my meowing cat and remember that at least SOMEONE missed me that day.

One thing I like to tell myself is “Well, things could be worse. And if they couldn’t be worse, then they can only get better.” I know this isn’t the happiest of thoughts, and a bit trite, but just keeping it in mind seems to keep the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel shining for me.

Hang in there, and e-mail me any time you want.
Jill

Proud member of the bull snap haters clique!

[agedbayhunter]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Louise:
An antidepressant that works for some people won’t work for others. If the one you are on isn’t working, go back and have them try something else. You may have to try several to find one that works for you.

Keep talking to your therapist, he/she is the one who can help you the most. You can deal with depression, but it takes time and effort. It is not surprising that you are still feeling depressed after only a month.

---

Louise is right. Your therapist may have to fiddle with medication a bit to find the one that works for you. And it will take time to climb back up out of this. Be patient. Just realize that you have taken the important first step – recognizing the problem and then getting outside help – and that there are a lot of us out here who have dealt with depression successfully.

This board seems to provide a great support system. When I first realized I had a problem – 20 years ago – I was embarrassed, ashamed and timid about getting help. I had only my husband and a close friend to give me the encouragement I needed. People are much more willing to share their own experiences today. Let them cheer you on! Good luck and hang in there; we’re on your side!

[starlady]

I think Another Alter’s family must be related to mine…thou shalt suffer horribly rather than let anyone know that we are not perfect. I was mad about that for years, now I feel sorry for all the generations that had to struggle not only with depression but with feelings of shame and stigma.

Anyway, yes you can get help without your family knowing. Start by telling the therapist or counseler that you want this kept secret. They will probably respond by telling you the conditions under which they will break confidence, as for instance if you report child abuse (just a legal example). If the problem is that you can’t pay full fare for a therapist without your parents’ help, call a hotline for referral to a free/cheap clinic, or, and I personally had very good luck with this option, look to the clergy. Most ministers/pastors/rabbis/whatever have serious training in counseling, they are free, and they usually don’t care if you go to their church or any. They just can’t prescribe medication.

If anyone still needs to hear that depression is nothing to be ashamed of, look at this thread: the posters who have talked about their own depressions include some of the nicest people, the best riders (SEE, A HORSE TOPIC) and the most reliable friends in the BB. Good for us!!–s.

[Patsducky]

This is Pat again - I forgot to give you my e-mail address: patsducky@AOL.com Contact me if you want to “talk”!

[shiloh]

I’ll add my two cents worth here, sadalter - I have been thru the same thing. It was not until recently that I discovered that I was suffering from clinical depression and that I had in fact, been suffering from it all my life. At one time, I stopped eating - dropped down to 90 lbs. I was a walking talking stick. I was told to quit being stupid, get over it, that all I wanted was attention - ugh, it was awful. The last time I lost a job over it, could not get out of bed, could not see my horse, when I rode I cried - I was paralyzed. I got on meds and they helped. I still have panic and anxiety attacks - I find there is a difference between them. I get by, though.

What I have to say is that you will get past this - it will get better. Do what you have to do, whatever that may be. Take meds, talk to a therapist, stay in bed - whatever. Be a little self-indulgent, a little selfish and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty. Keep in mind these two things - (1) the first step to solving the problem is recognizing that you have one and (2) Be here now. I am giving you a hug and a hankie and my thoughts are with you. If you want to talk, email me shilohsmom@yahoo.com

Robby, I totally connected with what you were saying. I went thru the same thing - less the expensive suit hee hee hee, but the same anyway. You speak the truth…

Heelsdown - very interesting about the connection with head injuries and depression. In my life I have had several bad blows to the head and your information intrigues me and has certainly made me think about the tie between my injuries and when they occurred and when I got depressed. Thanks.

[This message was edited by shiloh on Jan. 16, 2002 at 07:56 AM.]

[shiloh]

WooHoo! Glad to hear you are feeling better! Just keep putting one foot in front of the other - you are making it! I had often wondered what happened to you and hoped to hear from you - I am so happy for you! Please tell us about your trip to the Yorkshire Riding Centre when you come back - I would love to hear about your adventures.

LisaMarie - your signature line is great - it shows that you are feeling better! “Naked people have no influence…” ahahahahahaha - luv it!

x

[Colin]

PROZAC is the answer. It’s great. No side effects - just makes you feel “normal”.

Well…maybe I should be taking more???

[system]

This is not directly riding related, but from some of the posts I’ve read on here in the past, I think there are some people here who could offer me some words of encouragement or advice…

I am having a hard time lately with depression. (It has to do with horses in that it has become hard to drag myself to the barn and ride). I had a short term relationship with a guy who was kind of messed up, and it sent me into a tailspin. I am doing all the things I think I am supposed to do–seeing a therapist, trying to stick to my routine, going on antidepressants–but it’s been a month and it’s still really hard to get up in the morning.

This is the third time this has happened to me, and it’s really scary. My friends don’t really understand, my self-esteem is plummeting… I’m finding it hard to be with people but also hard to be alone.

does anyone here have experiences they can share? i feel like my light has gone out… i know i will get through this, but it’s really hard right now.

i know i’m a mess when i don’t even want to see my horse, and i dread my lessons because I am riding terribly.

I’m sorry if this is inappropriate to post here, I just have the feeling that there are many wise and kind people here who might understand.

thanks.

[Robby_Johnson]

I, too, meant to include a paragraph in my post about forgiving yourself for not feeling fantastic right now. Life is hard. When I was depressed the smallest, simplest things were so overwhelming to me. It literally took me 30 minutes each morning to get out of my apartment and I would have 3-4 anxiety attacks during that time span. When I started letting go of the control that I so desperately craved (and even now people who know me say, “my God, you were REALLY intense back then!”) things got much better.

Depression is chronic for some. I’m thankful that I’m not one of them. And that’s totally by choice. Sometimes I feel blue, and think “God, what if I get depressed again?” and I immediately say, “you know, tomorrow is a brand new day … quit taking yourself and things so seriously and enjoy the day that you’ve lived today.”

It’s sappy and new-agey and such, but I swear, it works. I used to be a big antagonist of all of the positive thinkers. I thought, “they’re so brainwashed.” But I’ve now come to realize that I still hadn’t gained enough strength then to be really honest with myself and identify why I was masochistically denying myself the happiness that I so desperately wanted. It was very much a subconcious thing. I didn’t want to be happy because I secretly felt like I didn’t deserve to be happy. That wasn’t true.

Now, Wellbutrin not only helped me quit smoking, it did wonders for my mental state. I took it 5 months then transitioned to an anti-anxiety medication which I took for 2 years and then stopped taking 2 years ago.

Turning 30 was also the best thing that ever happened to me. I know it’s just a number, but I swear, on my 30th birthday I peered through my sunburned corneas at Mass. General’s ER in Boston (long story, freak tanning bed incident) and said goodbye to the boy I left in his 20’s. I don’t have time for bullshit, nor do I want to mire myself down in it anymore than I have to.

I really do wish you the best. It’s hard, but keep talking about it and don’t you EVER be ashamed to admit that you’re depressed. You cannot help it and no one holds you responsible for it. But do really think about things and identify what you honestly consider your “cores.” Live your life in a such a way as to grow your core. When you do that you will be happy, and it will last!

Robby

p.s. I also subscribe to www.beliefnet.com and get their “Daily Buddhist Wisdom” quotes. So inspirational!