rockstarr–you’re my hero today!
i may take you up on that email offer…
(btw, great picture in your profile…)
Another Alter, if it helps, you can relay to your parents the tragedy suffered by my parents – who for years, due to shame, suspicion, and incomprehension, ignored by sister’s clear signs of ‘mental distress’.
While everyone pretended that all was well in the household, and my sister attended McGill on full scholarship, she had a complete breakdown. My parents had to fly to Montreal to bring her home.
For the last 20+ years she has been in and out of hospitals, on various meds, through a turnstile of psychologists.
Had she been seen by a psychologist when the first obvious symptoms presented themselves, I do wonder how differently her life would have turned out – not to mention my parents’, who’ve reconciled themselves now to the fact that they must take care of her for the rest of their lives.
Is there a family doctor, a school counsellor or teacher you can speak to? Perhaps the parent of a friend, your trainer - an adult that you trust who can perhaps speak to your parents to explain to them the gravity of the situation.
The last thing I’d want to do is doubt your pain; but self-diagnosis is often a self-fulfilling prophecy. I, for one, was convinced that I had MS in my '20’s and used to hyperventilate myself into numbness - post EEG, weekly visits to neurologists, it turned out to be an overactive thyroid.
I know that there’s pressure when young to be popular and surrounded by thousands of friends but my theory as an old fart has become, if you have two friends in life who would doubtlessly and unconditionally rush to your side should something happen, you’re luckier than most.
You are more than welcome to email me should you wish to ‘talk’.
Sadalter, Another Alter, visit this most wonderful site – and read the profile of William Styron, one of the best American writers (ever!!) and a survivor of depression.
Another Alter, I too must add my praises of school counselors. I am pretty sure it is the reason why a friend of mine is alive today (her family had similar attitudes towards psychologists - or she believed they had similar attitudes - sometimes one’s perceptions may not be totally accurate, but it really doesn’t matter, it’s our perceptions that govern us in most instances).
I also spent a lot of time with the counselor. Initially I went as support to my friend, but as my own family started a tailspin into Really Special Dysfunctionality, the school counselor (and my English teacher) were probably the most important people in helping me cope with my life at that time.
Also, your parents may have a what is known as an ESP (Employee Services Plan) as part of their company benefits. This is an anonymous number you can call to get access to counseling services, legal services, etc., and they MUST preserve your confidentiality. You may be able to find the number from the corporate website.
Sadalter - please don’t feel as if you are the only one who can’t seem to make a relationship work (or start). You are so not alone. In fact I think I have just officially adopted rockstar’s statement about avoiding a bad marriage and inevitable divorce.
I can’t say that I suffer from depression per se, but I have certain been a victim of profound mood swings, and by nature I have always been a bit of a loner, so when the downward swing hits, it can be very hard to find ways to drag yourself out of it. Robby and Rockstar are right about small steps. Even if you have to write them down to give yourself visible proof of progress.
Another thing to at least consider is hormonal balance (assuming you are female). Even though I am not old (5 precious months until the death watch of 40 hits 
), I started experiencing all the symptoms of premenopause. Worst of all were the violent mood swings (sort of like a factor of 20 on the old mood swing). They were truly awful, and I couldn’t do anything to correct them - I have never felt so out of control in my life, and sadly, control is kind of an issue with me. I talked to my regular doctor and my OB/Gyn, and both agreed that I should go on the pill 24/7 (there were also other physical symptoms present), and since that point in time, the really violent shifts in mood have stopped. All this happened at a point when I was laid off from my job, and somehow I have managed to escape major depression, so I have to believe that hormonal imbalance was a serious part of any depression I was dealing with.
I was diagnosed in fourth or fifth grade, and I’ve been on drugs essentially since that time. I’ve seen numerous suicidal depressed friends, etc, etc, had plenty of my own issues too. If you ever want to talk, it’s trixie@erols.com or editorial@georgetowner.com
(esp. rockstarr… 
)
I was surprised, and glad, to see this thread resurface, because I wanted to thank everyone who took the time to be supportive and share their stories. It really, really helped me when I was feeling so awful. I printed out the thread and read it just about everyday for a while there.
I went through a very rough two months, but am feeling much better. The antidepressants definitely kicked in, and I feel like a different person. Not everything in my life is great, but I can absolutely deal with it. Everyday stress, sadness, and insecurity are a whole different ball game than serious depression.
I am afraid about a relapse, terrified that I will become undone again, but I think I have gained some strength and perspective from this. It’s so lovely just to be able to enjoy simple things again… (like food; I’ve regained all the weight I lost on my depression diet, unfortunately, but I’d much rather be fat and happy, like my horse, than miserable and thin). I’m having a blast riding, and am planning a trip to the Yorkshire Riding Center next week.
I posted this under “sadalter” so people would know that I was the thread starter, but wanted to come out as myself… I usually post as “stephanie.” I was in such a state when I started the thread that anonymity felt crucial; being ashamed of what was happening to me was a big part of how I was feeling. But I don’t feel any of that now, and want to do my part for the “anti-stigmatization” of depression.
So, I will keep everyone posted, and thanks so much again. This board really is full of amazing people.
wow, and I thought I was the only one out there, so I’ve just kept quiet about it… Thanks everyone for sharing…
mizzwade
Oh Bumpkin!
I’m glad your mother is recovering - that is the most important thing.
Big bummer about your trainer…especially raising the board! Guess she has to supplement her income somehow since she’s not a trainer anymore, eh? Do you like the new trainer? Will you start working with them?
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. *
In your heart you know what it is that is bothering you. You may not have the courage or the insight yet to verbalize it, but with any recovery, acceptance is the first step. I’m convinced that depression is something that most definitely can be beaten, but you’ve got to want to get better and you have to take responsibility for your recovery. No one can do it for you.
Don’t blame your relationship for your depression now, unless there is something you need to say to him in order to let it go. Sometimes things you think are neatly sewn up and put away are actually what need to be addressed most.
Live for small goals. Set the smallest goals for yourself. If it’s 5 minutes of inspiration at first, then make that your goal. Do something for others that will give yourself a sense of accomplishment. Go volunteer at an AIDS or cancer hospice. Go volunteer at a local handicapped riding program. Do something to force yourself to interact and to take your mind off of things.
Dwelling on things over which we have no control can drive us beserk. It’s so not worth it. At the end of the day we put ourselves to bed and raise ourselves in the morning. We have to take charge of our lives and our health and happiness.
Best luck,
Robby
I think we all, to varying degrees, go through periods in our life when the shit hits the fan and we become enveloped in an emotional torpor.
There’s usually a trigger (in your case the end of a relationship), but it’s not uncommon to succumb to, and become overwhelmed by, a feeling of hopelessness and helplessness; to be crippled by the memory of all the pain that you’ve ever experienced.
For me, at a time when I should have exhalted in the excitement of an engagement to my soul-mate, a successful academic career, a carefree existence in the city, I slept – for three months. At a time when I should have looked forward to the future, I felt paralyzed by my past. I never did seek therapy, though probably should have, and it’s thankfully never recurred since.
What helped me immeasurably was Hans’ daily mantra that things would get better and the realization that I didn’t have to control the entirety of the universe. Like Robby, I am actually thankful for that three-month period as it enabled me to psychically clean house - and let go of an imperfect childhood. I dealt with my ‘core’.
At the very least, sadalter, know that you are not alone and that I am not the only one on this BB who’d offer a helping hand, shoulder to cry on, or an ear to gab into.
Continue with your therapy, speak to your doctor about other possible meds., set yourself up for small daily victories; and please do not isolate yourself from your friends and family.
Take care of yourself.
A few years ago, I was an elite sprinter with sights set on the Olympics. My world revolved around running, training, dreaming of singing the National Anthem. Little did I know that at the same time as my personal best was a mere .03 seconds from the Olympic Trials qualifying standard that I was about to suffer what I thought was a fate worse than death- being forced to give up running. It happened in an instant…one minute I was practicing block starts in my garage, the next, I was on the floor, clutching my left ankle in pain. (The same ankle that I had had a ligament reconstructed in just 2 years before). I limped and hobbled around for 2 weeks, even qualified for league finals, then it took a turn for the worse and I could barely walk. Finals were out, Olympic trials were out, and, after a bone scan, running was out…for good. With my history of ligament reconstruction, plus this injury (I fractured the tibia and fibula), I would never be able to fully recover enough to safely sprint again. It was over.
I was beyond depressed. The thing I had lived and breathed for was suddenly a part of my past. I found it hard to motivate myself to eat healthy, do my exercises, even wear the leg supports. Why should I, I wondered, I’ll never run again. Everything looked so awful, and the world seemed to be against me in every way. So, I, being a naturally positive person normally, decided to retrain my mind the same way I had trained my body.
It worked like this: every day, before getting out of bed, I made myself think of one thing that I had to look forward to that day. It could be small…like “Today’s turkey sandwich day in the cafeteria” or “Today it’s supposed to be sunny.” It could be something big like a birthday or a celebration. It could be ANYTHING so long as I had something positive to look forward to. It worked wonders…soon, with one thing looking good, the rest of the world started looking better, too. I eventually reclaimed my happy-go-lucky personality and put running behind me as a very special part of my past. Thank goodness I still was able to ride; going to the barn and just snuggling up with the horses I loved made so much difference. I was soon able to take that energy I had channeled for track and focus it elsewhere.
I have since reccomended this to everyone, whether they be suffering from depression, having a bad day, or just need to find something to smile about. Every day, think of something special that’s going to happen that day and then look forward to it all day like a kid at Christmas. With one thing looking bright, the rest of the world will hopefully begin to shine again for you.
I wish you all the best, and if you ever want to chat, my email is on my profile and my IM name is speedybeetle3417. <<<<<<<hugs>>>>>>>
PNW Clique: Fuzzy Horses, Frizzy Humans!
What a timely topic…
I myself had issues as a younger teen got treated for depression and ‘sutting’ with Zolaft, and I agree that it makes it better but makes you not care about anything, which discouraged me from attempting to go back for treatment the next time I had a relapse 
After that I decided I was just fine, which I was for a while. Everytime I started to feel ‘it’ coming on I just ignored it, because I decided that feeling bad once in a while was better than not feeling anything at all (which is how it was for me on zolaft).
Now a lot of things have added up in my life to make me realize that I need to go back into treatment. It runs in my family, and I agree with the others who say that it truely is a physiological condition, not just ‘all in your head’. My body just doesn’t function on the same level as the “normal”/non depressed person. Always tired and bored, but having ZERO motivation to do anything but sit around 
My hormones aren’t helping either - on and off BC I now have major PMS triggered mood swings where I simply hate everything for a week out of every month.
I wonder if I had just accepted and done something about this earlier I wouldn’t be where I am now - on academic suspension from school (sleeping was MUCH more important than chemistry) with no motivation to return, my long term relationship in serious trouble (it’s hard to be happy with someone else when you aren’t happy with yourself, and looking to someone else to ‘fix’ you or make you feel better is not going to work), and very few friends for support (going out and being social is just too hard, and can you really trust anyone anyways?)
The worst part is that I no longer have health insurance (not a full time student? no insurance for you!), which makes the medical care I now need prohibitively expensive.
So now it is just going to have to be the ‘chin up’ approach for me for a while, which is just going to have do it until I start school again in the fall. Lucky for me I have never been one to sink so far as to be a danger to myself (watching my best friend lose her first love to suicide at the age of 15 showed me to never let yourself sink that far without asking for help:()
Any other non-medication suggestions from anyone to help me pull myself through the next 6 months would be greatly appreciated.
And thanks for the vent to everyone on the thread!
Hmmm, InWhyCee - we must have been on the same wavelength there…
I was depressed for a while right after I started high school, my problem was that I was switching from a private school to a public school and I knew absolutely no one!!! But we did go to a doctor and he recommended Zoloft, we never did try it b/c after a few weeks I actually started getting my perkiness up, that is after talking to various people and just telling them everything… what a great thing! I don’t really know what to say, but talking to other people about it really helped me alot, and also doing things with my old friends helped a ton too
Catherine the former bennet&bailey
~Unapproved Princess Clique~
The perfect hunt horse should" 'Ave the 'ead of a duchess an the arse of a cook"
Ridin Horses is what I love, that’s why my Bailey is from heaven above!!
well said. This thread has been very touching - by the very fact that so many members have been willing to share the fact of their illness.
Depression, because it is considered a ‘mental’ illness - when in fact it is as physical as diabetes - always gets pushed aside, shoved under the carpet, or dismissed.
I have had bouts of depression for most of my adult life - probably earlier , just not diagnosed then.
and so many people have given such good, heart-felt advice on this BB! All I can do is reiterate: find the meds that work for you, take them (this coming from me, the worst patient ever), look after your health, set small goals, and feel satisfaction in achieving them.
When I am going through periods of not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to wash my hair, or get out my pyjamas having horses has always helped…at least I get out of bed!! (horses HAVE to be fed, turned out, stalls cleaned) … even if I do it all in my pyjamas.
Sometimes it helps to make a list. When you are depressed it’s hard to accomplish anything, you often start many projects, finish nothing, feel all disorganized and disoriented - and then feel bad about yourself because you have accomplished nothing. I make a list, that sometimes starts, “get up” "and I check that off.
I remind myself daily how very lucky I am (although I know full well that that has nothing to do with clinical depression) - but nonetheless I remind myself of that. What beautiful horses I have. That whatever has gone wrong, “is not Bosnia”… and “when they write the History of the Universe, this mistake, failure, whatever, won’t be in it…” and sometimes I do sing myself stupid songs, like that “pick yourself up,dust yourself off” song - foolish, but at least it makes me laugh.
and most important you are not alone. Often families, even when they love you dearly, are not a good source of comfort. I too had the British “stiff upper lip” kind of family. To them it was a failing, just not done, to be mentally ill. My aunt’s suicide was a subject of shame and embarrassment to my parents. And when my illness first started to manifest itself, my mother told me “not to be so bloody foolish”. So, you don’t confide in your parents, and start to feel even more isolated and alone.
Sometimes it helps to just have a really lovely hot bubbley bath,go to bed early with a good book, and try to be forgiving of yourself.
ps re the Celexa - I found if I took it before bed, I could not sleep at all - and of course, that is not a good thing when you are depressed!
If I took it in the morning on an empty stomach, it made me throw up… so after breakfast seems to work.
pps: I think the line describing where I am from needs to be changed!! just too damn depressing!
good luck.
I’m sitting here, online in the middle of the night because I cannot sleep, and I think: I wonder if anyone on the COTH board has posted about this?
Of course you have.
With truth, honesty, and a lot of soul bearing. I read all of these, and it helps so much to know that there is a way out, and that you have found it. Now I just have to.
Thank you all for your honesty.
