@Imperatrixferox reading all the responses here, you may identify with this scenario:
You have a lot of experience from 20 years ago. Now, you are trying to apply that to a new situation. But you are 20 years older, perhaps not bouncing as much as you used to. And the things you are trying aren’t really working. You turned to COTH for some ideas, but instead of people agreeing with your view of the situation, they have been blunt and even harsh.
Can you ask yourself, “What is really blocking me?”
I suspect it may be a combination of: you feel out of control. You are not having success in predicting this horse’s reactions. You are fearful of the horse’s reactions, because she is dumping you. And when she shuts down, you suspect that might lead to explosions on her part. You may be somewhat embarassed that your attempts so far have not been successful, given your experience, but that emotion is being covered up by you saying that the horse is pissy, stubborn, etc.
I have been this person. I have taught this person. I used to think I was a “gelding” person - for decades. Then I got hurt and scared by a couple sensitive geldings. I started to doubt my previous education, which was all about controlling the horse, the horse “listening” to me (and I was quite successful competitively with this mindset). Then I got more educated - expanding my reading, getting lessons from different instructors, learning from horsemen on youtube.
And… now I’ve had two mares in a row. They both had good temperaments, but they are sensitive. They need understanding. Example: the first mare arrived after a long transport journey and I gave her a day to acclimatise. The next day I put her in cross-ties and started grooming her, a good way to get to know her. I reached to her udder to see if it was clean. She cow-kicked at me, I smacked her, she pulled back and broke the cross-ties. Who was at fault? Once we knew each other, she loved me cleaning her udder - it got itchy. But when she didn’t know me, she was protective and I didn’t respect that. I didn’t give her time to trust me first.
Both mares are very observant, and when trail riding, they will stop if they see something even miles away in the distance. My old self would ask, then kick them to move forward, “sorry I’m the boss of this ride, get going.” My new self gives some of the decision-making to my horse. “Oh, you see a car moving way over there. No big deal - are you ready to keep going?” or, more importantly, “Hmm - I wonder if there is a deer or coyote just out of sight? Let me wait until you feel confident to keep going.” Kicking them forward at that point would lead to them feeling anxious, they haven’t properly decided whether there is a threat, and I’m now pushing them to my agenda.
Of course, I don’t want my horse ignoring me. But equally, they don’t want me ignoring them. The first mare started kicking out in canter, which was out of character. After 2 different vets checked her and said she was fine physically, and doing a course of ulcer treatment (the expensive one), she was getting worse. I was told to see what a top trainer thought - maybe it was behavioural. I tried the exercises they gave, but she would be erratic - sometimes better, sometimes worse. I kept thinking, this is not her. She usually wants to work, she isn’t temperamental normally. Finally I took her to a specialist vet who took quite a while to diagnose. Finally he guessed at a potential issue, did an internal ultrasound, and found she had advanced arthritis underneath her pelvis. She was only 8 and had never been lame. But she had been trying to tell me that she was in pain!!
The last time I regressed to my “old” way of riding, with my current horse I ignored her reacting to a person hidden in the bushes, decided I could ride through it, and pushed her to the point that she exploded. I paid for it - broke my wrist. That was a huge lesson: “Blugal, you are over 40 now, not 18. If you do stupid things you get stupid consequences. Next time, listen to your inner voice of reason!”
So, I’m enjoying this new outlook and have been having lots of fun. My mare has really blossomed and is very rewarding. Good luck to you, I hope you can work through this puzzle and find things that work for you and for this horse.