Overcoming Fear After an Injury

[Ceylon_Star]

I recently came to a realization that has left me feeling sad and a little bit guilty. I’m afraid to ride my pony independently, and I’m terrified of riding in an english saddle without someone walking beside me or holding the other end of a lunge line.

I’d spent the entire duration of my injury DYING to get back on my pony, and when I finally got the chance to recently, I realized I’m actually a LOT more afraid than I thought I’d be.

I learned about the fear of riding in an english saddle when I rode the steadiest, quietest, most dead-broke school horse I could find, in english tack, and I was actually shaking from nerves.

I took a lesson on a friend’s western horse, in western tack (a pretty foreign concept to me, having grown up in hunterland and then dressageworld), and I felt a LOT more confident despite the horse not being nearly as steady as the english schoolie. The seat of the saddle was actually too large for me, so I moved around a bit, but I liked the more secure feeling the fenders gave my legs, and the more stability (and confidence that I wasn’t going to re-tweak my ankle) that the endurance-style stirrups gave me.

I tacked up my pony last week, took him into the indoor, and climbed up onto the mounting block, and stood there, frozen with fear. Bless his heart for standing there and being super patient with me though! I ended up getting on and off about a dozen times, then on the last mount, we walked forward a few steps and I got off again, then had to sit on the mounting block while my head stopped spinning and my legs stopped shaking. (This was with his western saddle. I figured since I felt better with the bigger stirrups and fenders on the less-than-dead-broke western horse, it wouldn’t hurt to feel similar security on my guy)

I haven’t felt this afraid of riding before, not even after I had a horse rear and flip with me, and I landed on a brush box jump filler and seriously messed up my back about 10 years ago. I don’t have the extra money for lessons right now, due to my employment insurance running out and still not being able to get a job, so I can’t enlist the help of a coach for the time being.

I invested in a couple books - “That Winning Feeling” by Jane Savoie (I also follow her on Facebook), and “Pressure Proof Your Riding” by Daniel Stewart. Looking forward to cracking them open later!

[stryder]

I’ve struggled with confidence over the past few years. I’m in a great place right now, and just the other night rode out a big spook. I’ve relied on my western saddle when I’ve felt less confident in the past, and don’t feel apologetic about it. It’s no one else’s business what furniture I use.

Cathy Sirrett writes a confidence blog and published a book. I’ve found it very helpful. link here: https://effectivehorsemanship.wordpress.com/author/cathysirett/

Longe lessons on a super steady-eddy horse would also help.

Good luck!

[TWH_Girl]

First, big ((((hugs))) to you! And kudos getting your horse out, and getting as far as you did. That’s part of the process. I’ve struggled with varying levels of riding fear myself. It can be paralyzing, if you let it. Fear is in the mind, and while the western saddle may feel safer, it’s really not, and it really doesn’t matter what saddle you have on your horse. You will have to overcome this slowly, and in baby steps, and with continuing effort to maintain a positive approach to riding and life, with “mind over matter” mindset.

Sports psychology approaches, and Jane Savoie’s approach are excellent places to start to get the encouragement you need. I have a few of Jane’s books and dvds and have found them very helpful. I am always a bit fearful of trail riding, and just recently.completed a great trail ride at a state park with my current boy, a quiet TWH gelding. We show and trail ride so there’s always stuff to be nervous about. I’ve had bad falls in the past, but I decided I wasn’t going to let a few crappy experiences decide my riding fate when 98% of my rides are fun and enjoyable. DECIDE to not let this define you. Accept the fear is there, work through it a wee bit at a time, and decide to get through it.

For me, fear is managed but not totally overcome or cured. It ebbs and flows. Having a solid, trustworthy mount helps a great deal as well!

Forgive my spelling…typing on Kindle stinks!

[Ceylon_Star]

stryder - thanks for the link! I’ve shared it with a few of my friends who are in similar boats, and they all appreciated it too!

TWH girl - Baby steps indeed! I have paralyzing fear around many things, but that fear is very new to me as far as horses go. I used to be an old coach’s catch rider, the one who’d try out all the horses she’d pick up at auction to see what they could do. She scared me away from jumping (though I didn’t particularly enjoy it anyway), but nothing else could scare me.

I trust pony on the ground 110%, but under saddle he can be a tad flighty. I’m not so much afraid of falling off again - I’m the master of the bail-roll. What I’m worried about (at least that’s how my brain is interpreting the fear) is that something happens and I either can’t work through it due to lack of muscle on the bad side, or I end up inadvertently punishing him for a cue I unknowingly gave with the bad side (since I have some loss of sensation as well as severe muscle wasting). I don’t think it’s fair to him, especially with his history of mistreatment.

(sidenote: All of the coaches and other professionals who have worked with Team Java have said that he really holds onto things, and takes it to heart when he’s corrected for anything. If you correct him, even verbally, he visibly sinks back into himself and is genuinely hurt by the fact that he did something wrong. When doing things with him, we have to tell him what’s about to happen or he ends up being jumpy and it’ll build til he loses his little mind. With warning, he’s a LOT better. My vet actually refers to him as “the autistic pony” on a regular basis, because he approaches life similarly to how a person with autism might.)

The wonderful young lady (who I have loosely referred to as my leaser, when in fact she just rides my horse for free) who has essentially put 90% of pony’s under saddle training on him is going to give me a mini lesson tomorrow after she gets some of his sillies out, in hopes of having a refresher on how to ride him (and eyes on the ground to reassure me that my leg isn’t as horrible as I feel like it must me) will give me a bit of a confidence boost. Yay!

[2DogsFarm]

Don’t beat yourself up.

You mention a bad accident 10yrs in your past that didn’t shake your confidence.
Speaking from personal experience, that 10yrs makes a World of difference.
Your mortality becomes more apparent as you age & real concerns like a lack of insurance & recovery time take on more importance & rightly so!

Sounds like you are doing a good job managing your fear by taking small steps.
Remind yourself there is no schedule to meet & a step back is not failure.

It’s great you are comfortable working your horse from the ground.
And the mini-lesson idea is good too.
:encouragement:

Keep on taking as many Baby Steps as you need & come back here when you need a Confidence Fix :winkgrin:

[Ticker]

An imbalance in hormones can cause confidence and fear issues.

Have a blood test to check and discuss with a doctor.

Added: I’m quite sure hormonal swings were primary factors in some of my riding accidents.

[walktrot]

There is a newer book called Riding Fear Free (Daley, available on Amazon) which I found to be very good. It approaches the issue as a training exercise, not unlike the John Lyons method which I have followed for years. I have significant fear issues on the trail because my horse stumbled at the trot and fell on his knees. I rolled off, and destroyed part of my brachial plexus on the right side. I have limitations that will never change, although fortunately I have full use of my right hand and can ride well enough. However, I am still, 11 years later, unwilling to trot on the trail.

John Lyons has done a lot on fear, and he suggests that you do exactly what you did: get on, get off, walk off only if you are ready. He says “ride where you can, not where you can’t.” If that is all you are comfortable doing for now, that’s okay. Ignore people who tell you to get over it. Stay in your comfort zone and you will begin to feel more adventurous and your comfort zone will begin to expand.

I ride in a dressage saddle at the barn, and in a Circle Y trail saddle away from the barn. Yes, it makes me feel a lot more confident just in case we run across a real challenge, like a horse-eating chipmunk running through leaves.

[equescool]

I don’t think you can get to it intellectually through a book and overcome it, but good luck and kudos for doing what you can. The fear is deeply rooted in the emotional construct.

[equescool]

Emotion is information. Fear is an emotion. Figure out its lesson.

[Ticker]

Well, I’m no expert but I do understand that dealing with fear is a chemical brain process. Here is a quick blurb on the ‘chemistry of fear’ I pay particular attention to the oxytocin relationship. Oxytocin is considered the ‘trust hormone’.

I believe that dealing with fear also means dealing with the physical consequences of fear, and that could start with understanding what may be happening to your body.

http://www.neurodiagnosticdevices.com/the-chemistry-of-fear.htm

Trust hormone
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/11/101115160304.htm

[AmarachAcres]

I lost my confidence for a long time. Switched to an Aussie, only rode in groups or in a round pen, for years.

Every time I could I pushed my comfort zone. It took a long time, but it worked.

Yesterday I schooled my greenie, in a basic dressage saddle, through her hyper sillies and was quite proud of us both.

You still swing a leg over. That is the main thing.

[Ceylon_Star]

[QUOTE=Ticker;7631118]
An imbalance in hormones can cause confidence and fear issues.

Have a blood test to check and discuss with a doctor.

Added: I’m quite sure hormonal swings were primary factors in some of my riding accidents.[/QUOTE]

There are oodles of hormonal swings right now as I reach the 10 months on Testosterone mark, haha! Unfortunately, it’s not really something that can be adjusted/fixed, but is something I’ll be talking to my endocrinologist about when I see her in just over a week.

Ticker - those are great links, thanks! I’m also going to pass them on to a buddy of mine who is a medical lab tech, she’ll love the read!

The mini-lesson really helped. M gave me lots of tools to help quietly disengage pony to help keep his focus, and reassured me that while my bad leg wants to creep up and lock at the hip it does NOT grip with the heel/poke him in the flank/do other wonky things like I felt it did. Pony was a SAINT and packed me around the indoor like a champ, despite lots of noise on the other side of the wall.

M is going to bring her dressage saddle back out (she rotates between her dressage and close contact as there’s limited room in the locker and three people who all use different tack for one pony, haha), which is the saddle I was in on the day of my accident, and we’re going to see how I feel in that one, since I feel fairly secure in my Passier on a friend’s horse (but it’s too narrow for pony at the moment), but I’m really afraid when in an AP or CC (as I was when I rode the steady-eddy school horse a few weeks back). So in the next week or so I’ll try riding in it in a mini lesson with her again and see how I feel. Worse comes to worse I go back to the western, no biggie.

And 10 years ago when I had my jumping accident, I was 12 or 13. I’m only not-quite 23 now, so it’s not like I’m all that frail! Haha. But I do suffer from a lot more anxiety since coming out as transgender and living full-time as a man, so that may have a lot to do with it. Actually, that does have a fair bit to do with it! -facepalm-

[ChelseaR]

[QUOTE=Ceylon Star;7632172]
But I do suffer from a lot more anxiety since coming out as transgender and living full-time as a man, so that may have a lot to do with it. Actually, that does have a fair bit to do with it! -facepalm-[/QUOTE]

While I have no experience in that particular area, I do know that hormone issues combined with stress can really mess with your confidence in other areas (like riding). Don’t be so hard on yourself! You are going through a difficult time but it will get better.
You may also be feeling additional pressure as a man not to show fear (which is silly of course but knowing that doesn’t help much) and that makes things worse.
Give yourself a break, don’t put pressure on yourself now, just do what you feel comfortable with. Give it some time and your confidence will return.

[Zuri]

Ceylon Star, sometimes our inner anxiety or fear about something can be transferred onto something else, inanimate or animate and totally unrelated to the cause. It is an attempt for our minds to rationalize fear, insecurity, anxiety of the unknown onto something that has a form. On one hand we may “know” that one has nothing to do with the other, but it still does not stop our brain from reacting.

Finding the route cause is key as it helps you gain perspective. I am a homicide survivor. I have had totally irrational fears about roller coasters, sharks and school buses. None of which had anything to do with the true issue. Fortunately, I have had the benefit of PTSD therapy and my anxieties have diminished as I have faced the route cause. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge as Dr. Phil says and it is a process.

I would bet that the saddle represents security for you and the horse is the unknown. The baby steps you are taking are perfect. As you go through your trans gender process, a lot is changing. You are re-inventing you into the person you truly are and see yourself being. This is so understandable. Those feelings, fear, anxiety, changes in body chemistry are totally normal. Projecting them onto a saddle gives them a “shape”. It doesn’t have to make sense. It just is.

Recognizing the saddle is not the issue is key. Most people I have met through my medical career that are going through the transgender process have the benefit of therapy. I hope you have someone you go and see that can help you put this all together. It will get better. Have faith and keep climbing in that saddle! Hugs to you.

[GotGait]

Honestly, for me it was realizing that there was no pain in the world that was going to be worse than what I’d already gone through. So when I’d get nervous I would think: spinal surgery >>>>>> falling off, and falling off suddenly didn’t seem like a big deal. Yeah, it was going to hurt, but I’ve dealt with far worse.
It helps that I have a horse who truly takes care of me. She could have seriously taken me out when I first started getting back on her, but she’s just a good girl. I also got rid of my too big saddle that I felt insecure in and had one made for me. It’s super sticky and I finally have a saddle I’m not sliding around in and fighting with.

[kookicat]

First of all, don’t feel bad or guilty about being afraid. Talk to your Doc- a friend of mine has beta blockers he can take before he gives a talk. They help. I’m sure there are other options out there that could take the edge off. I find walking through things in my head helps- if the horse spooks, I’m going to do this. If xyz happens, I’m going to do abc.

Good luck!

[Dee-Vee]

For me, the trick to dealing with anxiety is to not overanalyze it. Acknowledge it. And wait for it to pass, knowing that it will. Focus on your breathing just make sure that you are not holding your breath.

I find that overanalyzing the anxiety gives it energy that makes it more powerful than it needs to be. This is not to say that we should not understand or face real fears. Rather to acknowledge that sometimes our minds play tricks on us and things may not really be as we perceive them.

Hope that makes sense. I find that time spent in meditation and silencing the noise of the mind is really helpful. It also is tool that I can use in stressful situations to quell all the “what ifs”. The thing is, most “what ifs” never happen.

Best of luck. Keep at it!!

[OneGrayPony]

Ceylon, it does get better with lots and lots of good rides. Don’t feel like you have to push yourself, that can make it worse.

I got to the point where I couldn’t even go into the pasture with the horses. Completely psyched myself out (and I used to be a very brave rider).

I’m better now, 4 years after the initial incidents that caused the issues. I can push my horse through a buck, and go trail riding without hyperventilating. Sometimes I get a few rapid heartbeats when hopping on if it’s been a month or two, but I now know my horse and his habits really really well, so I know how to handle what he throws at me.

It takes time. Give yourself the space.

[HeatherCK11]

For me, time has been a friend. Fear is an overwhelming emotion and is an expression of self preservation. Nothing wrong with that.
It has taken A LOT of work for me to understand my reasons for fear.
Before my accident (serious and life altering) I was balanced and brave…rode strong and confident.
That changed and was truly a slap in the face the first time I put a leg over a horse.
On the ground I was all business…everything so clear. Got in the saddle and crumpled in complete terror. I was not prepared nor expecting that.

You need to be kind to yourself. Be patient and stay within comfort levels…pushing them in appropriate settings.

I don’t pretend to have all the answers and can only speak from my personal experience. That too, is a work in progress. It is unlikely that I will be the rider I was…and that is ok. One day I hope to be competitive again, but I also want to WALK pain free…and that too is not likely.

[La_Chasse]

I hope this helps bc the thread is a few days old, but I’ve wield with a sports psychologist who has been very helpful. There wasn’t anyone close to me so we used Skype. She has helped me in ways I didn’t expect.
I still have fear from my accidnets (she’s not a magician) AND I have tools so it won’t make me lose my freaking mind. She was actually rec’d on the forums.