Overcoming Fear After an Injury

[anmoro]

Gayla- I would be very interested in a support group. I did a phone session with a mental health counselor, spent $250 and I am not sure what was achieved. I don’t think she was the right fit for me.

Things have gotten a little better for me. The stress is slowing going away. I had to give my horse to a rescue for financial reprieve last week. With the medical bills continuing to mount, I could not afford board anymore. I WILL get him back. I am determined to save my money and get my boy back. While it rips my heart out to do what I had to do (I cried for days), I know that it gives me the chance to work on healing myself… both physically and mentally. I had ANOTHER procedure done yesterday by my hand surgeon and I’m continuing occupational therapy 2-3x a week. Today is not a good day. I can’t even begin to describe the pain I’m dealing with right now. It feels like it did when my injury first occurred. I was diagnosed with Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I was hoping that wouldn’t happen, but at least I have answers to the pain. Now I can work on the mental issues. I’m hoping with my horse being at the rescue, when I go visit him, someone can help me with my fear. Help us together.

Speaking of the rescue, here is an issue. I feel ridiculous and I’m telling myself that it is silly but part of me says it isn’t. A lot of people tell me I’m being “dramatic” but I can’t shake it. The rescue is great. Lots of land, huge fields and they truly LOVE what they do. Anyway, I went to see him on Sunday and talked to the rescue director (she’s an angel in human form). She showed me his field for turnout. The grass is amazing, he’s by himself (better for him- he’s a wimp) and has lots of great, calm horses right next to him. The scary part… electric fencing. Sounds like no big deal right? For me that is not the case. An alpha gelding and electric fencing are to blame (well part of) for my accident. For background info: I was walking my horse to his field to turn him out. A gelding he is scared of reached over the fence to try to bite him. My horse tried to move out of the way and backed in to an electric fence that was super charged. He shot forward, his chest knocked me down and dislocated my shoulder. I was laying on the ground, literally underneath him (I saw all four hooves around me) and I thought I was going to die. I tried to plan my “escape” and thought to move forward as my horse was slowly backing away from/around me. What I didn’t know was he was planning to jump over me to get away. As I tried to pull myself forward, he launched over me, stepping on my thigh, hip and landing on my hand crushing it. (sorry for lengthy story). Anyway, now everytime I see an electric fence I feel my breathing change. Is that ridiculous? It is okay to tell me yes. You won’t offend me. Sometimes I feel like I need someone to tell me to get over it.

I would like to learn more about this EMDR. Honestly, I would like anything to help. I’m tired of feeling useless. I’m tired of feeling like a wimp. I’m just tired…damn it. (sorry)

But on a good note! My friend had me lead her horse the other day. She made me do it (which was great). Her horse is a schoolmaster type. No matter how nervous I am, she could care less. My friend left us in the ring and gave me no option but to walk her in. Then as we were grooming (I walked away for a minute), she unhooked the cross ties and let the mare walk off. She used the “oh no, we have to catch her” routine… and I went in to action without having a chance to panic. I walked up to the mare (just grazing enjoying clover), clipped the lead line on and walked her back to her stall. It was such an AWESOME feeling!

[Gayla]

Well, I am game to work with anyone who wants to. If anyone wants to get in on a group support group, post here or send me a PM and I will coordinate a time that works for everyone. If no one else wants to do it, anmoro we can talk anyway. Your story was not too long, I loved learning about it all. You are not crazy for any of the things you are feeling. If you didn’t feel those things after an accident like that…what kind of person would you be? Maybe a robot? You need to understand how your brain works and then you will understand why trying to force yourself to “get over it” actually makes the problem worse. Acceptance in the key. Your thoughts and feelings are happening without your permission and they will continue to happen regardless of how you feel about them or how much you want them to stop. Where you go from there is where I can really help you. Making peace with this is making peace with where you are right now at this moment. Some days we are very brave and others we are not…oh well. Big deal. I know you are in a financial bind right now so I understand that you can’t buy a book. But I would recommend reading the book “The Buddha Brain”. It is just fantastic. I will try to locate some articles that give the same ideas as the book. Let’s see if anyone else wants to get in on the discussion group and I’ll PM you with my phone number. Best

[Ceylon_Star]

I’d be up for participating in a COTHer support group.

I received another mental preparedness for riders book, this one is “Build Complete Confidence With Horses” by Kelly Marks. I was a bit put off by the title, but the tagline is “Beat fear and excuses & attain your riding goals”. That sounds a LOT better, haha. She is a Monty Roberts style horsewoman, so some might be put off by that, but I find it to work well for me. I find Kelly’s writing style to be very similar to my riding coach’s teaching style, so I’m having an easy time relating to it.

I’ve also recently found peace in the fact that I am afraid to ride my pony. At the same time, I also realize that I am just as confident, if not moreso, on the ground as I was before my fall, and that has really been helpful in motivating me to really focus on our driving training. I haven’t been able to afford more than 1 2hr session with our trainer when she’s in town (every 6-8 weeks) but I’m finding that when I’m having an “up” (not cripplingly depressed) day, I have more motivation to work on our ground driving than I did this time last year. So while a part of me is still embarrassed to be afraid to ride my pony, I’m at least able to accept the fact and readily accept any assistance that M can offer me, but I really am happy to work on other things. I have goals with the driving that are within reach, and I’m working towards them. If M has time and offers to help me ride, then great. But if she doesn’t have time then that’s fine too, I’ll just do my own thing.

I’ve found that over the last week (since coming to terms with my fear) I have had more up days than down, and have been getting out and doing things more often than I had been for 6ish weeks prior. I’m still battling my mental health, but I finally have enough energy to at least get out of bed and shower, and if I can do that, I generally am able to do more with my day. I still need recovery time after leaving the house, and my parents still give me a hard time about it, but I don’t care because it’s what I need in order to work on getting better, and if I don’t listen to my body and brain I’ll only fall back into that darned pit.

[Gayla]

[QUOTE=anmoro;7701332]
Gayla- I would be very interested in a support group. I did a phone session with a mental health counselor, spent $250 and I am not sure what was achieved. I don’t think she was the right fit for me.

Things have gotten a little better for me. The stress is slowing going away. I had to give my horse to a rescue for financial reprieve last week. With the medical bills continuing to mount, I could not afford board anymore. I WILL get him back. I am determined to save my money and get my boy back. While it rips my heart out to do what I had to do (I cried for days), I know that it gives me the chance to work on healing myself… both physically and mentally. I had ANOTHER procedure done yesterday by my hand surgeon and I’m continuing occupational therapy 2-3x a week. Today is not a good day. I can’t even begin to describe the pain I’m dealing with right now. It feels like it did when my injury first occurred. I was diagnosed with Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I was hoping that wouldn’t happen, but at least I have answers to the pain. Now I can work on the mental issues. I’m hoping with my horse being at the rescue, when I go visit him, someone can help me with my fear. Help us together.

Speaking of the rescue, here is an issue. I feel ridiculous and I’m telling myself that it is silly but part of me says it isn’t. A lot of people tell me I’m being “dramatic” but I can’t shake it. The rescue is great. Lots of land, huge fields and they truly LOVE what they do. Anyway, I went to see him on Sunday and talked to the rescue director (she’s an angel in human form). She showed me his field for turnout. The grass is amazing, he’s by himself (better for him- he’s a wimp) and has lots of great, calm horses right next to him. The scary part… electric fencing. Sounds like no big deal right? For me that is not the case. An alpha gelding and electric fencing are to blame (well part of) for my accident. For background info: I was walking my horse to his field to turn him out. A gelding he is scared of reached over the fence to try to bite him. My horse tried to move out of the way and backed in to an electric fence that was super charged. He shot forward, his chest knocked me down and dislocated my shoulder. I was laying on the ground, literally underneath him (I saw all four hooves around me) and I thought I was going to die. I tried to plan my “escape” and thought to move forward as my horse was slowly backing away from/around me. What I didn’t know was he was planning to jump over me to get away. As I tried to pull myself forward, he launched over me, stepping on my thigh, hip and landing on my hand crushing it. (sorry for lengthy story). Anyway, now everytime I see an electric fence I feel my breathing change. Is that ridiculous? It is okay to tell me yes. You won’t offend me. Sometimes I feel like I need someone to tell me to get over it.

I would like to learn more about this EMDR. Honestly, I would like anything to help. I’m tired of feeling useless. I’m tired of feeling like a wimp. I’m just tired…damn it. (sorry)

But on a good note! My friend had me lead her horse the other day. She made me do it (which was great). Her horse is a schoolmaster type. No matter how nervous I am, she could care less. My friend left us in the ring and gave me no option but to walk her in. Then as we were grooming (I walked away for a minute), she unhooked the cross ties and let the mare walk off. She used the “oh no, we have to catch her” routine… and I went in to action without having a chance to panic. I walked up to the mare (just grazing enjoying clover), clipped the lead line on and walked her back to her stall. It was such an AWESOME feeling![/QUOTE]

Hey! Your PM box is full. So PM me or email me at my regular email ligeda@gmail.com.

[Gayla]

So we have settled on a time and I wanted to send out one last invite to anyone that wants to join in on a fear support group. I work with this problem a lot and have lots to share. We are going to meet Wed at 7pm Eastern time starting next week. Send me a PM if you want to join in.

[tpup]

This is such a great thread! I too had a fall a few months ago off of a green rescue that I thought had progressed well over the last year (he was being ridden by trainers and I had been pony led on him and decided to try riding him on my own in a round pen…bad idea!) The fall completely changed my brain. I was cantering small courses before the fall. I was luckily not permanently hurt, but was hurt bad enough to need a CT scan and was in pain for weeks…I hit the ground hard. I just read (and plan on implementing in detail!) Jane Savioe’s Winning Feeling book. While I have gotten on my super steady 21 yr old large pony and feel good on him, I still have major anxiety on my newer (but very quiet and good) OTTB (NOT the horse I fell off of). I have a super trainer and mentor that is working through it with me, but the book DID clarify a lot for me. Namely that my self talk overall is SO negative. Jane Savoie’s “erase the blackboard” analogy for the negativity is really helping me for ALL aspects of my life.

I think as we get older part of it is age and hormones. Interestingly I am reading the book on vacation and had the opportunity to jump off the roof of our snorkel boat. I got up there and froze, even after watching my 9 year old do it fearlessly. I froze because I was up there already thinking “What if’s??” What if I land too hard and hurt my neck…what if I go too deep and can’t get back up. It was seriously only about 15 feet up. (I could touch the platform from the deck of the boat!) It took alot but I jumped and it was empowering!

The book made me realize that after my fall, I get on thinking…you guessed it “oh no he might buck!” “oh no, I could fall off” or “oh no the dog might come out from out of the bush and spook him…” It is paralyzing as you all know. So I am working on retraining my BRAIN. Interestingly I do it in other areas of my life. Big light bulb moment! If I ride like my horse is about to spook, guess what? He will probably spook vs me riding confidently and visualizing a great ride. I do think a book can help IF you use it, do the exercises and apply it.

I also try to remember horses are supposed to be fun. If you just groom, or hand walk, or feed, or spend time it’s OKAY. If I only walk vs. trot/canter, it’s okay but now I will work on being sure it’s not because I am saying to myself subconsciously “if I canter I might fall off”. Instead I will try to visualize cantering SUCCESSFULLY.

As for the rescue, he is my pasture pet for now. Lovely on the ground although sometimes a tad hyper alert but I can handle that. I have no desire or “need” to ride him. He has had a rough start and perhaps one day I’ll invest in more training for him and find a more advanced rider/home for him. He has talent but his brain just isn’t right. (wish there was a book HE could read LOL!). He loves groundwork and will perhaps do games, tricks. But I am not putting pressure on myself right now to do ANYTHING with him. For now, his panic rodeo-buck is still in his brain so we are in pasture pet mode with him for now and I am content with that as long as he is happy.

I am also interested in the group btw! Please add me! I’ll PM you too. Thanks for listening.

[Ceylon_Star]

HUGE Thank-You to Gayla for facilitating the fear group/webinar!

I’ve had a few rides since the group began, mostly on a friend’s steady-eddie trail horse, but have been on my pony twice. I’ve come to the conclusion that my heart just isn’t in the saddle anymore.

Between getting my pony going in the cart at the end of August and focusing on getting out driving, and then realizing that riding is still fairly painful, my heart just isn’t in it. I’m finding that I NEED outside motivation (either form M on the ground helping me ride Java, or from my friend bugging me to go on a trail ride with her on her other horse) to get me in the saddle, but I can motivate myself (unless I’m having a REALLY depressed day and can hardly get out of bed, let alone drive to the barn and harness up) to go driving.

As for finding it painful, I’ve tried a whole slew of different saddles, different stirrups/stirrup lengths, and the hip on my injured side is still pulling the leg up and then locking in the hip. I’ve been experiencing the nerve pain again, and it’s gotten worse with saddle time, instead of better as it had been getting in the spring. I limp for a few days after I’ve been in the saddle and have a hard time making my leg straighten out. My vaulting coach threw me on one of the horses at the end of a class a couple weeks ago, a horse with a good swinging gait who is also the biggest para dressage horse in her para equestrian program, and she tried to fix the leg and couldn’t. It HAS only been a year (well, just under, technically) since my injury, so it might get better with time, but right now, riding just isn’t helping it.

And I think I’m okay with that. I thought I’d be more upset about not being as good as I was this time last year, but I’m actually surprisingly okay. I LOVE driving, it’s a LOT of fun and has brought me the spark I had with riding what feels like forever ago. Really, I’m just grateful to have my spark back. I think it’s the only thing getting me through this ridiculous funk!

[ezduzit]

When I was driving, it was my whole life. Loved it and went years between rides. Do what you love!

[RMJacobs]

Ceylon Star, while I can ride after a fashion, I can’t ride anything like I used to. I finally decided that the lesser version just wasn’t acceptable for me. I can no longer handle the unexpected, cannot stick even a small crow hop. So I gave it up.

Driving, I am still gutsy, gung ho and pretty fearless (at least with the pony I trained myself–it would be a different story with a horse I didn’t know well and one in whom I did not have reasonable confidence). For me, that was a big part of the enjoyment riding–knowing I was skilled (reasonably so, anyway) and enjoying the moment. When I no longer enjoyed the moment riding, I gave it up.

Life hands us changes all the time, and there is no shame in understanding and embracing them.

Rebecca

[Ceylon_Star]

I did something today that I never thought I’d do again…

I got on my little guy bareback and went for a walk around the property!

The last time I was on him bareback was when he was 3 (my first time on him at that) and that was going on 9 years ago!

Bareback, in a rope halter. Was maybe on him for 10 minutes, but it felt like I was home.

Driving is still our thing and what we’re happiest doing, but to face my fear of riding him by doing something so incredibly special, it’s really what I needed after the awful few days I’ve had.

Just wanted to share with people who can appreciate the significance and don’t think I’m a fool for having a good hard cry-of-joy about it <3

[walktrot]

Congratulations!!!

This sounds like a real boost in your confidence. And bareback in a rope halter? EVen better.

[RMJacobs]

CS, that is great!

Rebecca

[Ceylon_Star]

Thanks!
I really never dreamed that I’d be back on him bareback. It was how I did his first few rides as a wee one, and no horse I’ve sat on since can compare to how perfect his back is for going sans-saddle.

As an experiment, I tossed his saddle on him today and popped on, and there’s a very clear difference between saddled and bareback. He’s happier with me bareback, and I’m oddly more confident bareback. I don’t find my bad leg to creep up when bareback, and in a saddle it creeps up and locks and I have a really hard time making it hang back down.

My vaulting coach has an ooolllldddd vaulting surcingle that she used to use as a training surcingle until the club grew and she could get better surcingles, even one just for training purposes, so she is going to lend me it to help build my confidence and strength again. It gives me something to grab without getting in the way of my leg. Hopefully by fixing my leg it’ll fix my head/confidence too. If I find that the more I do it, the less I enjoy it, I’ll fall back and just drive again, no big deal. But it has been nice to go for a bareback toddle to cool out after a drive.

I missed my pony and I’m grateful for his care when packing me around!

[riderank_makebank]

Look at you go! That’s awesome keep up the great work! This may be a little out there, but maybe give some energy work a try. I’m huge into energy work/reiki, that sort of “hippie” stuff and for me it makes a world of difference. If you can find a really good practitioner they can remove blocks (I’ve had a lot of work done like that). Might be something to look into