I am a low level instructor/trainer at a local boarding barn for mostly adult ammy horse owners and a couple of outside kiddos. Everyone I teach is delightful and wants to be a better horse person for better or worse. Lately, I’ve been under minded by one of the terrible boarders who happens to be a serious adult ammy DQ.
To start, this is my side gig. I have a real job at a well known farm. Many moons ago, I developed a program at another farm for kids and stuck around until I had serious teaching burnout. I gave that up for my current farm employment away from people and parents wanting their kids to go the olympics yesterday. (Not teaching or training) A couple of years later, I was asked to teach some adult lessons to those that don’t aspire to be in the ribbons, but rather be correct and have fun. (Current barn where I am teaching very part time) Everyone is great… so relaxed and totally fun with out the pressure.
But there is the one boarder that knows Everything and is happy to make that known on her behalf. She also feels she has more rights than everyone else.
Let’s start with arena etiquette… lessons take priority. Yet, terrible boarder MUST only use indoor because the footing is shit everywhere else (her words) I literally teach 5 lessons a week, but I’m not allowed to use the arena if she is in it? She doesn’t share the arena, she doesn’t care if she is snapping whip loudly while lunging so the other horses go bonkers, she will complain vigorously if there are poles or jumps set up in the indoor.
I am a very non confrontational person. So I do my best to work around her in other areas such as grassy patches or the outdoor (weather permitting) totally avoiding her. This I’ve learned to deal with.
I can deal with her non stop drilling her horse in the same 20m circle to the point she wears the footing down to base. I can almost deal with her unsolicited advise to everyone about their mount or ride.
What I cannot deal with is terrible boarder telling my students the things they need to do better, or how they should ride, or what aspirations to have. Even more so, I cannot deal with her trying to take my students and telling them the opposite of what I’ve been teaching.
Today, I pulled up to one of her “lessons” with the BO. She has her horse in balance reins so tight, the mares chin is on her chest. For an HOUR with out walk. BO and I work once a week just on confidence and fun stuff. That was the time for her lesson. Im fine. Everything is fine. I don’t like to “own” my students. I LOVE when the riders go to clinics or take lessons from others. My issue what is good for her is not always good for everyone. BO and horse are not a good match. This will just exacerbate the situation.
Terrible boarder is a listed amateur with ridiculous high aspirations. She has stupid high expectations for her rotten (I mean soured) horses that she just rides into the ground. Sure, she gets the blue ribbons. But my god, I do not want to come back into this world as one of her horses. And so she treats every horse as if they should be doing Grand Prix.
Here’s my issue. Everyone see the problem and not just me. BO bows down and puts her on a pedestal. whatever terrible boarder wants, she shall have. BO pushes everyone else’s needs aside for terrible boarder.
We need the arena dragged
Get out out of the cross ties
No lessons tonight in the indoor
No kids in the barn
… all because terrible boarder is coming…
I’ve heard the complaints from others and very diplomatically I’ve conversed with BO. BO response was something to the effect “I don’t want to lose terrible boarder”
It’s becoming (at least with me) a dealbreaker and it’s not worth it. And in some way I feel like I have imposter syndrome.
How do I proceed? I’ve already moved schedule to avoid her but she always seems to be there?
I don’t know if she is taking money for these “lessons” as she is an amateur. But my god, she is so proud of the “progress” she makes with her “lessons”. By progress, she makes all the horses sour. Ugggghhhhh.
If BO is that far up TBs bum that you can not have a discussion with her then its time to pack up and leave.
Set your boundaries with BO. You give lessons and need exclusive use of the ring at specific times (open to negotiation to suit all) You need to not watch or converse with the person causing you angst.
It is apparent that BO is not going to change. So either you negotiate a situation you can live with or you walk away.
He who owns the barn decides.
It sound like they have.
If you want things your way, you need to buy your own place.
Lol I wonder if this is the other side to this post:
I agree. You need to spell out what you require in order to teach safely and comfortably. If you can’t get that minimally, then resign. Tell your students that you don’t have enough ring access to work. If they want to approach BO they can but don’t expect them to.
As far as your students, if you stay, you can be clear with them that they need to follow your appropriate training program. You don’t need to badmouth the Terrible Boarder but you can say “that’s not how I do it.”
As far as the general insult to your author and credibility, just let it roll off your back. The TB will eventually implode.
You can also go the insurance angle. Do you have coaching insurance? If that’s a thing in your area, guaranteed she doesn’t have it and needs it to coach even free.
@Equkelly that does not sound even slightly like the other side of this problem.
The OP is teaching some lessons, not backing horses and all that stuff.
@KDW It sounds like the barn owner like this boarder, for whatever reason so you have two choices - 1 is keep on doing what your are doing or 2 give notice to your students that you can no longer teach there and be done with dealing with this person.
@trubandloki I doubted it but that would’ve been fun so I had to check.
OP, I would say clarify with the owner on arena etiquette and who has the right of way. As a boarder, if I pay a lot of money to board my horse at a place with an indoor I’d probably be ticked if I got told I couldn’t use the indoor too because of a lesson. It’s one thing if it’s a big lesson barn and that’s where you choose to board your horses at, but if it’s a mostly a boarding facility, then boarders are the ones who should be getting priority indoor access.
But like I said, you could have a different arrangement with the BO so talk to them. As for the undermining stuff, ignore it. Kind of play it off that the TB and you ride very differently and you do different disciplines so there’s no point comparing.
I was hoping not to have another conversation or worse yet, a confrontation.
I would NEVER demand exclusive use of arena for lessons. I am to a fault a sharer of everything.
I have been to too many barns where “you can step here, but not there” I don’t even care when the other trainers are teaching in the same arena. Arena is for everyone. As a boarder (not at this facility) I too would be mighty ticked if I couldn’t use the arena because of lesson/ rude rider. My rule is to take up part of the arena with out taking it all. I can work with that. I can work around you. I’m really good at that.
I feel like I need to grow a pair and just enter the arena and start teaching with out asking. Ask for forgiveness rather than permission.
I’m just having a hard time with the unjustified training advise. I have already spoken with most of my students and explained too many trainers in the kitchen can get confusing. They all understand.
What I don’t get is the unrealistic expectations terrible boarder has for other people. And these expectations are not expectations you put on adult ammy out there to have fun. They are unsolicited and borderline soul crushing.
For example: student “A” went to her very first dressage show with her horse for the first time. She stayed in the arena, remembered her test, smiled, and came home with a ribbon in the top 3. I was elated as was student A. All our hard work paid off. Terrible boarder watched student A’s test via video and not only critiqued the ride, but also said some pretty unsavory comments about her horses movement. (We are talking about a TB competing intro level… no warm blood musical freestyle) Following this, I get a frantic call from student A about the above nearly in tears. She felt so good about the weekend and now she was crushed.
My advise was to not share good moments with terrible boarder and NEVER ask for her opinion. Her expectations should be only Student A’s and not anyone else’s.
As far as the BO that’s a tough one. When she asked me to come teach, she was all about the having fun, no specific discipline, anyone is welcome. The tune has changed. I see her favoring the more dedicated to dressage people. Especially if they join the terrible boarder fan club. I don’t care about discipline, but not everyone wants to be the next DQ. She seems to put people on a pedestal quite a bit. And I just don’t do that. And I think it bothers her. I don’t generally have beef with BO. I pride myself on staying out of and not creating drama. I’m really good at putting my head down and just doing my job with blinders.
the only solution I see is to leave
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If you don’t have teaching insurance I’d get that and draft the paperwork that they normally want to see (lesson rules, release form, etc.). In the rules clearly outline that riders are expected to be on and walking 15 minutes before a lesson. This isn’t your barn, I don’t see any reason to have to deal with Bossy Boarder in the cross ties or wherever. If the BO wants to try and drag the ring with Student A warming up, let Student A advocate for their own space and lesson time.
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Send a group email to all students/post in the farm facebook group/whatever communication you use: Hi Everyone, Thankful to have worked with you all in 2020. As I am getting all of my ducks in a row for 2021 please see attached release, and lesson rules. Before our first lesson in 2021 I need to have one on file.
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Start using statements rather than questions. A question implies that the person has a choice and you are interested in their choice. You do not care about whether Bossy Boarder wants to relinquish her 20M circle so don’t ask “Can we please use this part of the arena”. Instead state loudly to the student “OKAY. I want to see a 3 loop serpentine using the full length of the arena. Bossy Boarder heads up”. Either your students are going to take ownership of the ring and their lesson time or they will cow. If they won’t respectfully use the ring space and time allocated, then you are fighting a solo battle.
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Each ride emphasize what you do and why. You cannot and should not critique the “lesson” given but use your walk breaks to discuss why breaks are critical or explain how the reason you don’t keep horse on a 20M circle too long is due to mental and physical strain. Empower your students to recognize the difference between good and bad training.
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If there is a farm page or group clearly post lesson times each week. If Bossy Boarder consistently rides through your lesson times then you have documentation that you did your part to be transparent about scheduling.
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Rise above. No matter what do not bad mouth Bossy Boarder. If pushed into a corner “Everyone has their own approach. I like to approach this situation…” and pivot as an opportunity to talk about your teaching philosophy.
you sound like a truly good person to work with, but this situation is starting to stink like week old fish. I totally understand grinding on and minding your business, but the fact is that BO and obnoxious DQ border are already causing enough grief for you to post here. You really have 3 choices. 1. leave 2. keep the status quo 3. have a confrontation with BO.
Option 3 does not have to be bad or scary. It sounds like you have a decent relationship with BO, and since she infact did invite you to teach she obviously has some respect for you. So there is a foundation here to build on. read @GraceLikeRain’s post. It is excellent. Use the new year as a springboard to start putting your foot down and running your lesson business with a little more regularity.
Remember, people will treat you the way you show them to treat you. It sounds like Obnoxious DQ was given an inch and is taking a mile. Have a chat with your BO and say I need the area at X time X days a week. I am fine sharing the arena during this time and expect the same courtesy.
Shame on Obnoxious DQ for tearing apart your student’s joy. That is low and good on you for taking the high road. Keep taking it and don’t get sucked into the drama.
There is nothing wrong with the BO taking a shine to dressage, but you may have to prepare yourself if she does want to soley focus on dressage and may bring in a purely dressage trainer. I have seen it happen, which is why I think it is important you talk to her now and present your lesson program in a professional manner so you start getting the respect you deserve.
@Equkelly- It isn’t me- I promise I am not the Bossy DQ! (I remember years ago on the UDBB a thread, or several threads where someone was complaining about her part boarder with a lot of identifying detail. Part boarder found the threads and there was a battle royal on the Board- talk about a trainwreck!)
Geez, do you live in MD? I used to ride with a woman exactly to a tee like TB and that’s where she moved to.
Take this situation and turn to your advantage. Yes, lessons take priority it being assumed that the students know less than the advanced rider. But, this is an opportunity for your students to learn about working in less than ideal conditions. If she approaches them with her advice, tell them to tell her thank you and then come to you. It’s a good opportunity to discuss how you feel and the ideas she has brought up.
This is really true. With your own place, many obstacles and much drama melt away. So sorry to hear you are going through this. It is so foreign to me how people won’t share the arena. I was at three very high end barns, one of which was in Europe at the home of the country’s dressage champion, and sharing the ring by splitting it into halves while a lesson was in session was never a problem. Where I live now, unusually, a high end barn where I was paying seasonal rates, couldn’t abide by anyone sharing the arena. It was just weird.
Its always good to have a spot to vent. And you did just that. But this is nothing you can fix, EVER. Unless you buy your own place, and only allow in certain people that will be asked to leave if they should break your rules/requirements. This is not your facility. You are not the only instructor coming in. Barn Owner may like/enjoy another trainer , and perhaps MANY others. Their sandbox. Come in, teach your lessons and leave. Or? just leave. those are you only choices.
This is all great advice. You do not need to be, nor should you be, rude, but you don’t need to tip toe around anyone either. I am a strong believer in “No one takes advantage of you without your permission.” (obvious there are exceptions) It is unfortunate that you have been put in this situation and BO is complicit.
Rules like Grace LR mentioned are perfect - decision and consequences are made by the parties affected (students).
All of that being said, you could positively assert yourself to no effect. From your description of BO, it could be that the wind is shifting at this facility.
People like Bossy Boarder act like this because it is allowed. If everyone else continues to fawn all over her, then it might be a lost cause.
No one ever confronts people like this about their bad behavior. Confronting doesn’t mean fighting, it means making clear, pointed statements. If you can work in commentary about person being insecure, then it really gets at them. This is why they act like this.
It works most effectively as a training exercise when done in front of others. This carries the added benefit of putting any other potential jerks present on alert that they will get pushback. Witnesses also mean she can’t claim that you said XXXX, when you really said YYYY.
Example:
New hire is badmouthing his previous workplace, harping on individuals that many of us have worked with, and respected, in the past. New hire is a complete arrogant jackass in other ways.
Next department meeting, in front of everyone, when he starts again, I pointedly state “You need to know you are being offensive. Many of us have worked with X and know her to be a qualified and competent teacher. If your insecurities compel you to bad mouth colleagues, I would suggest you work on it. It is unprofessional.”
I get really, really angry, so the challenge for me is to do keep calm and reasonable, only use my indoor voice, and not appear that I require an exorcism. If I reveal my own precarious mental state, it isn’t as effective 
I try to prep for it with a script.
It is more common than you think.
Lots of people feel that their desires to ride a certain way outweigh what anyone else might want to do.
The BO appears to have shown you what they value.
The hard, honest truth? It’s not your responsibility to try and understand the motivations behind why people act the way they act. Terrible Boarder could have mental health issues. They could have severe fear issues. They could just be an asshat. It doesn’t really matter, they are what they are and you won’t change that, nor do I think understanding why will help you any.
It sounds like this ultimately comes down to whether you feel confident enough to take some of the advice GraceLikeRain outlined. If you cannot or it feels like more of an uphill battle than you’re willing to take on right now (no harm in that), then you have your answer.
I would clarify, first and foremost, with the BO whether lessons have the right of way. “Linda, I assume you still would like to have me teaching here, but I’m finding it increasingly difficult lately to plan around the demands of some of your boarders. Can you clarify for me - do my students have the right of way during lessons? This will help me plan my schedule.” The answer to that question will either empower you to take control when you’re in the arena knowing you have the BO’s blessing, or the BO will kowtow to Terrible Boarder and you’ll again have your answer.
From my POV, the TB is not your problem.
It is your students problem.
The students ,I am assuming ,are boarders of this BO or they use her lesson horses. Either way, they need to have a discussion with the BO about the behavior of the TB and how she is affecting their lessons.
If they are boarders they have just as much right to use of the facilities without being endangered by reckless/rude behavior of other boarders.
If they are riding lesson horses they still have the right to use the facilities they are paying for.
If the TB is acting in a way that puts your students or any other rider in danger then your BO needs to be made aware of that.
It wont be the TB that gets sued. It will be BO who will be on the hook for it.
I would have a discussion with the BO about sharing the arena during lessons if you havent already , leaving the TB out of it.
The BO should be the playground monitor and make sure the kids are playing nicely in the sandbox.
As far as TB commenting on your students performance, empower your students to stand up for themselves and have them tell TB to keep her opinions to herself.
You really dont have much choice.
Grit your teeth and maintain, or stop teaching there.
Good luck and let us know how it goes.
