Passive aggressive farm owner VS well bahaved boarder

[KDW]

As the title shows, this well behaved boarder has had her hands full with a passive sometimes verbally aggressive farm owner.

Almost two years ago, I moved boarding situations to be closer to my employment. There are basically no options for boarding in the area. So when I knew that there was a facility with all the bells and whistles in the vicinity, there was no question as to where I would board. The catch? I had heard rumors of the owner’s particular ways, especially about the farm’s aesthetics. this didn’t scare me… I’m a pony clubber.

Fast forward about a year. I had seen boarders come and go. I was the only one that could deal with the owners ways and personality. I’ve been in the industry a long time so dealing with “interesting” people was no big deal. I started noticing I would ask to do things like ride in a certain area, and it was no problem. The following week there would be a barricade and a sign stating no riding. I would groom in the barn where I was told I could groom. Again, a sign stating no grooming in area. This is continuing to go on until this day. Let me mention I’m the only boarder at this facility. Soooo…

last week while teaching a lesson, the barn owner came storming in and basically started reprimanding me in front of my Adult student about something that really didn’t matter and could have waited until I was finished with Lesson. My student asked me if she usually treats me like this, I said no, but I had heard rumors of her outbursts. I had had enough. After the lesson, I looked the owner dead in the face and told her I was tired of walking on glass around her and I deserve the same respect that I give her and her facility. As she usually does, it’s a bad day everyday and her excuses pile up. I basically told her I pay her way too much money to be treated like her subordinate, and then quickly deferred as to how it should be handled (not in front of a student) if she is unhappy with whatever I’m doing. It felt good, I’ll tell you what!

So today, I come into the barn to find not one, but FIVE signs stating what I can do, where to go, how to act.
Sigh… remember my boarding options are null. So where do I go from here? A big part of me wants to put a sign up at every sign she posted saying
“passive aggression kills your soul”

footnote: I am every boarding barn owners dream. I pay ontime, every time, I generate extra income from training and lessons, and I’m as respectful as one gets. I’ve been at great boarding facilities, and horrible ones. I’ve dealt with the crazies and the lazies. I’ve never been somewhere where I basically can get my horse, go in a 6x6 area, walk a straight line to wherever I’m riding, ride, walk straight back to my 6x6 area.

[enjoytheride]

Move. That’s pretty much it. She’s never going to change.

[Bluey]

Since there are no other boarding options, how about trying to find a place to rent and do your own thing?

[Palm_Beach]

Since you can’t take advantage of all the bells and whistles, maybe find a simpler place and some peace of mind where you can actually be normal. Ish.

[KDW]

I started the process of looking for another situation months ago. My choices are severely limited. If I could have my own situation I would, but my work schedule won’t allow 2x daily feedings on top of normal farm maintenance. I also help manage a farm … moving my horse to my work" farm is not an option.

[CHT]

Curious: if you are the only boarder, who are your students? Do they ride your horse(s)? Whose horses are you training?

If she seems to do ok with only one boarder, does she even need boarders? Where did the other boarders go?

I doubt she will change, so you either play by her rules, or you go somewhere else. Or perhaps you can be proactive and regularly discuss with her any concerns she may have so she doesn’t need to leave notes?

[tangledweb]

Yep, once the signs start going up, it’s past time to move.

If you really think it’s salvageable, maybe go knock on her door every time you see a new sign to have a polite conversation about it to deny her the ability to keep it passive. There’s some chance you’ll earn her respect but a solid chance you’ll be told to be out by the weekend.

[Bluey]

I would be worried about my horse/s where there is someone like that around.

[KDW]

I am her only boarder besides one horse that they send the money and I’ve never seen them. Lesson students either trailer in for a fee (also submit show entries for their shows) or for beginners I’ll use one of her horses for a hefty fee. I very occasionally have a training horse in to board TEMPORARILY… never permanently
i used to run a large program, until I got burned out. I made an employment switch. But my heart couldn’t leave teaching.
Talk of money? She needs money. I hear it everytime I see her. She couldn’t run an equine business proper if her life depended on it. Overhead high, no steady income.

[OneTwoMany]

@KDW:)

I’ve never been somewhere where I basically can get my horse, go in a 6x6 area, walk a straight line to wherever I’m riding, ride, walk straight back to my 6x6 area.

Unfortunately, it is her barn, her rules. She knows you generate income and she almost certainly knows she isn’t making it easy for you to stay. Time to move.

[CHT]

Aside from the one confrontation, have you ever talked to her about how her behaviour affects you? Might be risky unless you have a back up plan, but maybe she is just socially out of touch that she really doesn’t know what the problem is, or how her behaviour affects her business. Does she have a day job or is the barn her only thing?

[KDW]

@CHT

Aside from the one confrontation, have you ever talked to her about how her behaviour affects you? Might be risky unless you have a back up plan, but maybe she is just socially out of touch that she really doesn’t know what the problem is, or how her behaviour affects her business. Does she have a day job or is the barn her only thing?

Oh yes! From day one I made it clear I was a guest at her farm. And please tell me what I can do to be a better guest. She is TOTALLY out of touch. It’s become appearent from her attitude towards life in general should always work her way… yet it never does. So her way or the highway. When I had words with her, I reminded her that she was rude in front of my student, her facilities client. And she apologized to her!
Her husband bought her a farm that was rundown and her husband is a successful business man. I’ve heard rumors that he cut her off due to her “money mismanagement” (example… all horses live outside except a couple. Yet 3 employees arrive to work in the morning? Chores should be 1.5 hours tops for one person. 3 employees aren’t finished with morning chores until 11am. Why employees for so little work/horses)i wouldn’t be surprised that this is the case. He’s checked out…wants nothing to do with the business. Don’t blame him, he deals with her.

[CHT]

Wow! That sounds complicated. I wonder if she is just extremely afraid of confrontation, until her stress builds and she blew up at you inappropriately. That would explain why she can’t fire or deal with her staff issues, and why she leaves notes for you. I feel sorry for the both of you. I don’t know how you can make that better, but sounds like she needs a farm manager so she can step back from the responsibility.

[SnicklefritzG]

This BO sounds like a nut-job. Find another place. I agree with the others who have said she is not going to change.

I think some people have a control problem and running a barn in this manner is the BO’s way of lording it over people. It’s impossible to board at a place where rules keep changing. It’s not worth the hassle.

[kch7238]

I so sympathize with you. Had a similar situation once. Rules changed constantly, what was ok one day got you yelled at the next. Sometimes BO was very friendly, other times would not speak to you.
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I always thought it was more of a control issue than anything else. The more horse knowledge you had, the more of a threat you were, and were not treated as well as those who blindly followed.

I left, much later than I should have, but feeling anxious when I went to the barn ruined it for me. The relief of boarding somewhere “normal” was overwhelming. I would encourage you to leave. Good luck to you.

[Halt_Near_X]

You mention there used to be more boarders, because you watched them cycle through. If it’s down to you and one absentee boarder, that means one of two things:

Her reputation is so horrible that not only has she cycled through all available boarders, but there is no one except you in the community willing to subject themselves to her. If boarding situations are as scant as you are saying, that… is saying something. Consider what continued association with her may be doing to your own reputation.

OR

She is the one choosing not to allow other boarders to come in as everyone else has left. In that case, you’ve watched her chase everything else off, and now it’s down to you. There is no special understanding or relationship that is going to save you if she wants all boarders out, whether she just passive-aggressively makes your life miserable until you leave or you show up one day and things well and truly implode.

Maybe… maybe… you could sit down with her and have a conversation and find a way to get things back on track. But from the sounds of it, she’s literally put the writing on the wall. She doesn’t want you in her space.

Although you say boarding options in your area are scant, all the boarders who left went somewhere. Your lesson students are coming from somewhere if they trailer in. So there are options.

If it were me, I’d pick one of those other options and get out.

But she sounds like a coworker I used to have, and I swore I’d never allow someone to treat me like that again, so I have no tolerance for the sort of behavior you describe. I’ll put up with a lot of things, but not that.

[shiloh]

What’s the point of having all the “bells & whistles” if you can’t use them or if you do use them, you can’t enjoy them? It sounds like the rules of this place change every day at her whim and you are supposed to guess. I didn’t know mind-reading was a boarder requirement. It’s time to GO. And whoever said everyone who left that barn went somewhere - yes. So find that somewhere and get the hell out. It’s not worth the aggro.

[Beck]

“I started noticing I would ask to do things like ride in a certain area, and it was no problem. The following week there would be a barricade and a sign stating no riding. I would groom in the barn where I was told I could groom. Again, a sign stating no grooming in area. This is continuing to go on until this day…”

This sounds SO familiar! Sad to say it may not be all that unusual.

“a facility with all the bells and whistles…Overhead high, no steady income.”

Those two things so often go together. Particularly when the BO is not good at business (and being good with people is a large part of that).

It isn’t going to change. In fact, based on what I have seen of very similar situations, it is guaranteed to get worse. Move before you are told to and have to scramble. It’s coming.

[no.stirrups]

I wonder what would happen if you told her, “I feel unwelcome. Do you want me to go?”

If she wants to keep you it may make her rethink her actions, but of course the big risk is that she would admit she wants you gone.

[Moesha]

I agree with those who say the time has come to get out of dodge- she sounds like she has no ability to interact with people in the manner required to run a farm. There will never be a breakthrough, she will never change and honestly she sounds sad - imagine being her with such behavior? I would definitely look and see where the others went who left and find a new solution- anything is better than this-