Hi all. I saw this topic and it just grabbed my immediate attention due to my own experiences I’ve had recently.
I’d like to see if there’s anyone else in my position on here, and if there’s anyone who has, how they’re getting through it, or how they got through it.
I’ve been a very competitive, keen-on-getting-to-the-top rider since I was about 8. Even with my own show pony at home, I had an extensive training schedule and I absolutely loved to show. I would ride for four hours a day as an 8-11 year old, and read everything I could to improve myself. At age 10, I had a severe head injury. I acquired brain damage, but I was back in the saddle in less than two weeks.
At 13, I began training my OTTB stallion (very special circumstances that this happened, my family bred him specifically for the purpose of him being my Olympic mount and he went off to the track for a year and a half, until I was old enough and experienced enough to ride him, considering he’s a total fireball - he’s about an 11 out of 10 on the temperament scale, über talented, extremely opinionated, and fiercely passionate.) To this day, even after riding many top level horses, including employers international mounts, one Olympic show jumper, and many many many green-broke upper level prospects, he is still, by far, the hottest, most difficult horse I’ve ever ridden or met. He had been broke on the flat by a friend, and she had jumped him a little, but he was pretty much as green-broke as you can get under saddle.
By 14, and when he was 5, we were schooling up to 1m25 courses at home, and 1m30 singles. I was riding another of my green horses when we had a freak accident and I had yet another head injury and compression fractured 3 of the vertebrae in my upper spine. I didn’t know it then, but continuing to ride without letting myself heal and getting surgery would cause me an incredible amount of pain in the future. It would cripple me.
By 16, and he was 7, we were schooling Grand Prix heights, 1m40 courses and 1m45 singles. I was offered the option to qualify for the 2016 US Team that year, which was 2015 (technically, I was scouted) but I had only been SCHOOLING 1m40 on a seven year old, so I would’ve had to rush to not only work up to 1m50-1m60 CSIO Grand Prix, but also to rack up the points qualify a 7 year old, in less than a year’s time, which is unheard of and would’ve been ridiculously stupid. I’m proud that I made the decision to turn down even trying to qualify, as that would’ve been exponentially too much for my horse. If I didn’t worship him as much as I do, I might’ve made the selfish decision to try. I was mentally and physically ready for the 2016 Olympics. He wasn’t yet. (Also adding this because there’s always that one nitpicker that tries to pick apart your story for inconsistencies for no reason, so I want to make this very clear so that doesn’t happen. He was 7 when I was scouted, and this was a year and 4 months before the Olympics. He turned 8 shortly after we were scouted, which means he’d be 9 by the time the Team was selected the next year. The minimum age for a horse on the show jumping team is 9, which he would’ve been, and the minimum age is 16 for a rider, which I would’ve been at least, obviously.)
We trained hard to make the 2018 WEG US show jumping team. In 2017, I had a bad fall. I wasn’t conscious at the time, but the person I was with told me later that I had a ten minute massive seizure after impact. While in the hospital, they found and diagnosed me with a neurodegenerative brain disease (like MS or Parkinsons) that had been exacerbated by the amount of head injuries I had had. I was told that I was never going to be able to ride again due to the damage I had done on my back and my head. I was told that my quality of life would go way down due to the brain damage I had sustained, and the neurodegeneration I was going to progressively have from the disease I had just found out I had. I was told I’d be in a wheelchair by 30.
My life has been affected greatly by my brain damage. I wasn’t abe to complete high school. I have severe anxiety attacks that make me feel like I’m dying. I suffered from anhedonia for over a year, which caused me to use the high that I got from the pain medications I was given for the tremendous amount of chronic pain I was in for a substitute for happiness. I would lay in bed and cry for hours, grieving over the loss of my career, and so guilty that my beautiful, talented horse was sitting out in his pasture, getting fat and depressed from not doing what he loved, due to the fact that for some reason I was the only person he’d let ride him (I think it’s because he knows I’m the only person who will ever tolerate his terrifying personality).
It’s almost three years since I’ve been diagnosed. My life has changed for the better. I’ve just gotten knee surgery, and I’m about to get back surgery, so I can start riding again and training my way back up to the top. I won’t lie, I’m still in an intolerable amount of pain, but I’ve learned that I’m going to be in pain no matter what I do. I might as well do what I love while I’m in pain. My horse is going to be coming home in a few months. He’s lived with a friend in a different state for a while, because I hadn’t been able to take care of him by myself, but now that I’ve been through vigorous physical therapy and am in the process of getting the surgery I need to improve my physical state, I’m going to be able to start training when he comes back. It’s been hard, but every time I think of taking it easy, I think of the reward, and I remember why I want to push myself. I can’t wait to begin the rest of my life.
