Hi Jumperfreak,
I have MS, and even though it was not diagnosed until I was 41 it had been sporadically affecting me most of my life. I most definitely have brain damage from my MS and a few concussions.
I had to give up my dreams of being a top rider, I could not even really get to the starting point because of my bad balance, lack of coordination, proprioceptive problems (I often don’t know where parts of my body are), hand tremors, etc., etc., etc…
After a car wreck, head-on collision when a drunk driver swerved into my lane right in front of me, I had more brain damage. Then started the dark days, the car wreck had made my MS ACTIVE, and it was active and undiagnosed for over a decade. ALL my energy disappeared, my already limited coordination disappeared, my body would at times twitch beyond my control, and in all I ended up a mess who really did not “belong” in the saddle. During the worst part I only rode once or twice a YEAR after riding a lot everyday.
Finally after years of despair about my riding I decided, even though I still owned riding horses at that time, that the only way I could ride where I would feel safe was in private lessons on school horses who got regular exercise. I was very fortunate that over a decade ago I finally found a riding teacher who was willing and able to help me, and who I could afford. This lady is the best riding teacher I’ve ever had so I got really lucky about that!
I mostly walk, with some trot. I can only ride 30 minutes at a time. Due to the fact that I found 2 nearby stables that do not charge me too much for riding I get to ride 3 times a week, usually on 3 different horses. I mostly get put upon mature horses who have problems from gaping holes in their training, and after a recent fall off a green-broke OTTB I now know that I have no business training young, green horse, my reaction time is just too slow.
BUT I have three riding teachers, two with decades of experience, who respect me and what I can do for their horses. I get put up on horses who tend to take advantage of their beginning riders and I explain to these horses that, though I have very bad balance, I cannot coordinate my body well, and I am subject to tremors, that even then they, the horses, can obey their less than perfect riders, in fact that they, the horses, are EXPECTED to obey their less than perfect riders. I get to do this while riding these horses for only 30 minutes a week.
I will never be a top rider (of course I never was a top rider.) But I have found a niche where I can use my knowledge to help individual horses become better riding horses (of course I do not always succeed at this, some horses do not appreciate beginners!) Riding horses is the ONLY reason I can still walk on my own two feet, I was in an electric wheelchair for years before I started riding again, but riding horses got me OUT of the wheelchair, and when my wheelchair wore out I did not have to replace it.
Riding horses can be good physical therapy for brain damaged people, in a controlled environment. If I had not gotten back into riding horses regularly again I would now probably be completely crippled and in a nursing home.
You might have to take a different path like I did. Be gentle with yourself and your body. Stop “punishing” yourself for what you can no longer do. I had to start with a LOT of walking, lots and lots of walking, so I ended up exploring all the ways that training just at a walk can improve a horse.
Oh, another thought, since I have a lot of problems with my brain and spinal cord I avoid doing much sitting trot, maybe a few strides here and there to get a point across to the horse. I think that the sitting trot is BAD for injured brains and spinal cords, and this is just my opinion because I have no proof. This sort of rules out dressage for me, at least for competitions.
PM me if you want to “talk.”
Take care.
