Thanks for commiserating. I have to admit, I’ve had a terrible week where riding is concerned. I feel under a lot of pressure for a couple reasons. One, I moved my horse this summer from a backyard barn (where I rent an apartment) to a show barn where I hoped to avail myself of their training program. It’s a lot more money—like, a lot a lot—and it’s been a difficult transition. My horse isn’t settling as well as I had hoped. The program also ended up not actually being a program, more like a “work it out with the working students if they need the extra money” kind of arrangement, and so it’s become a “your horse will get exercised if and when they feel like it” type of situation, which is very different from a training program. So I feel bad about that, and also incredibly frustrated that things felt better this time last year when I was literally just home alone with my horse and no expectations.
Also, I feel like I’m getting old. I’m not old old but I’m hitting that age where it’s like, “are you or aren’t you having children?” It makes me sad because I think, if I do, I won’t realistically be in a position where I can take my life in my hands every week pushing my boundaries on horseback, let alone on a horse who even the teenagers on summer break have been leery about riding for easy money. I feel like if we were ever going to have a real breakthrough and do more than just bop around, this was our shot… And we never even got to do much bopping around this summer, because settling in to the new barn has made most of our rides such a crapshoot (and it’s not even cold or windy yet).
I’m trying to let go of my expectations and just be grateful for every ride. I know my horse doesn’t care either way, and I wouldn’t be the first person to forego riding and showing goals because their relationship with their horse was more of a priority. But I sincerely thought we were capable of doing more. I wouldn’t have moved otherwise.
I also feel a lot of pressure in the summer because fall and winter tend to involve a lot of training setbacks, and I just don’t feel ready for that. I need another 3 months of summer. So between the money I’m spending, a looming birthday that feels like a deadline, the changing seasons, the fact that my horse hasn’t yet reverted to his pre-move self, and lessons making me feel more clueless and incompetent than ever, I’m in a very dark place where riding is concerned. I do regret moving and even flirting with showing goals. I should have stayed in my lane and not screwed up a good thing. Sadly, the farm is up for sale and I’m moving anyway, so there’s no ctrl+z for that blunder. But we could have at least had one more nice summer if I hadn’t been so determined to move.
Oh girl, this is hard on you - 30s does that to you (just turned 33 and thankfully don’t have a maternal bone in my body and due to some … interesting … possibly hereditary mental health things on both mine and my partner’s families (addiction, schizophrenia, men in my family tend to die young from a variety of causes, blah blah) - we’re decided not having kids. But I am a little concerned about “life in your hands” if the program / working students aren’t exercising your horse.
It seems you feel safer with horse when … just toodling / happy hacking, etc.? Is this horse a horse that gets fired up when asked to work more or in an environment where there is “perceived expectations?”
Seems like horse is chill / cool / fun when you’re just happy hacking, perhaps not looking for true back to front engagement or the most clean rollback turns and safe slices or the best and most balanced and prompt lead changes?
Do you feel like you have to choose between "stepping up and having conversations with your horse vs enjoying them as an animal? because you shouldn’t have to feel split that way. If horse isn’t happy in the job you have for it – you can change your job or change the horse (either through training and development which may have some tough moments or selling / leasing out or otherwise opening up a new opportunity for a different horse that aligns with your goals more …
hang in there - I think a lot of us have felt that way - there’s a popular British equestrian Youtuber who switched to dressage and hunter paces as horse increasingly told her they do not like colorful sticks in an arena with big crowds around.
OP you can give yourself 3 months off from riding – or 1 month, or 6 months – and see how you feel about it then. Ready to get back into it? Or wishing it would go away?
You don’t owe anyone anything. If you think the pros or the barn friends are pressing expectations of doing more and more, and you are no longer into that, that is something else you can take a step back from. And clear your head for your own thoughts and feelings.
An instructor friend says “There’s a line and a relationship between progress and fun. If there is too much of one without the other, we need to adjust something.”
It’s your time on a horse. Your money, your satisfaction. If something is taking the joy out of it, try holding that something at arms length for a time, and see if that helps sort out some questions.
I so identify with this. “It was supposed to be fun.” But it becomes another source of feeling that the progress is not enough, accomplishments are not enough, I am not enough, nothing is enough. The whole thing is pressured and uncomfortable. It’s not fun at all.
Consider this – Sometimes it isn’t the instructor, the barn, the horse, the whatever outside influence.
Sometimes it’s us. We are our own source of pressure. What we need is a change of mindset, rather than a change of everything else.
It really does sound like you need some space and air to settle your feelings and thoughts. You don’t have to do stuff just to justify your recent barn move, activity and money spent. If you need to change direction, temporarily or permanently, that’s ok. Any true friend will be glad you did.
Hmmm… sounds like you are in the wrong program. I’m guessing you moved to this training barn to get actual training and some hand holding while you got to grips (or not) with this horse?
I did much the same thing a while ago. My new horse was proving a bit too much for me and I needed a structured environment to decide whether this was going to work out and also to improve my riding so I didn’t get maimed in the process. (I am old-old, so this is a big consideration!)
The thing is though, while it was an eyewatering jump in price, I got what I paid for… actual real help. I’m now starting to want to be more independent, but that’s because I feel I can because we’ve learned a lot and progressed to the point where we can safely and competently do so.
It sounds like you are not getting this at your current barn. If I were you, I’d be seeking somewhere that really offers what you need.
This is enlightening. This and “the teenagers aren’t thrilled about riding him for easy money”. You are not getting the help you need or expected when you moved. Add that stress to the rest of the stress you’re feeling, and you’ve got a big ball of pressure going on. I feel for you on that front, OP.
It sounds like you still need some help with him, and moving him back isn’t an option due to the farm selling? Do you have an idea of WHY your horse isn’t settling in? I would bet the barn is run much the same way the “program” is - chaotic and inconsistent and mostly managed by teenagers. I think you AND your horse could use a change. With this latest post of yours, I can almost guarantee you may have some obstacles of your own making but you definitely aren’t getting the foundation you need to succeed.
Is there anywhere you know that has a good pro and a more horse friendly setup? You’ve got two options here I think. One is to move the horse to an actual training program you REALLY know and trust, and take a step back yourself, even if just for a month or two. The second option is to move to a new, low key barn, and just chill and putter for a while. Maybe even until next spring, and THEN start looking for some kind of training help.
Don’t make any massive decisions in this mindset, but it also wouldn’t be a bad idea to get the horse to a place where he can become a good citizen and/or you have a network to market him for lease or sale IF you decide to go that route. With all your other life stress going on, there’s NOTHING wrong with realizing you need a more consistent, easy going horse to have fun with. Or that you just need a break! Horses are awesome in that you can come back whenever, and however you like.
It really sounds like you need a new program anyhow. Is there a show barn when a good riding kid could ride your horse part time? My daughter is 17 and while having her own horse is a great little rider and will get any time in the tack she can. Maybe a care lease for 3 months while you re-evaluate?
I was in a super dark place too. Hating on yourself just makes it worse. I am so sorry you are going through this, please give yourself some grace. I’d be lying if I told you when I go to shows to watch my daughter and barn mates jump I wasn’t wistful and a little sad. But day to day not having that pressure has been worth it for me. And the further away I am from my self-imposed expectations the better I feel about just riding.
Try not to worry about age too much, I know this SUCKS to hear, but the horses will always be there. I took almost 20 years off and came back to riding at 41, I’m 53 now so the taking a break for a year from jumping and progressing seems terrifying. Maybe I’ll go back to it maybe I won’t (maybe I’ll become a dressage lady). I guess my point is being in your 30’s you have a lot of time, try not to worry about that piece.
Let yourself breath and try to get out of the cycle of darkness. Its okay not to be everything all at once and to let go of being so hard on yourself. I really do empathize.
With this additional information I don’t think you have a problem with riding lessons at all - I know this probably isn’t what you want to hear but it sounds like you’re seriously over-horsed and are focusing your frustration on instructors instead of on the root of the problem. You said yourself you shouldn’t have bought this horse, and if even the teenagers at your barn aren’t willing to get on him when there’s cash on the line that seems like a huge red flag to me.
I suspect that @mika0116 was spot on with this scenario, which would explain why you feel like things go better when you don’t lesson:
I would strongly consider putting this horse in professional training for a few months with a carefully vetted program and see what you have on the other side. Don’t worry about taking lessons or even riding, let a professional take point. I say this kindly, but with less than 5 years of riding experience and only sporadic lessons you are not equipped to solve this problem yourself, and continuing to try is just going to make it worse for both of you. Realistically you should look at selling the horse and buying something more suitable, but it sounds like he would need to go into training anyway to get him sellable so you may as well wait and decide later.
I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time. I also have a green horse right now and the ONLY thing keeping me sane sometimes is that I have a very good trainer helping me out. I’ve been riding a lot longer than you and I’m still not capable of putting in the work on a green horse entirely by myself, it takes years of quality instruction and experience to get to that point. Everyone has to start somewhere though, whether that’s working through a tough horse with a trainer or building experience on a more educated horse as a stepping stone. Don’t let this situation turn you off from horses for good, there are enough paths forward for you to fill multiple lifetimes.
Thanks @dmveventer - I sometimes come off harsh on these forums - but I am speaking from experience!
25 years into riding and I still have my current lease spooking and bucking when I ride him before feedtime without robust inside leg to outside rein connection.
Happened to me on Tuesday when I was doing a LIGHT lesson with a different trainer & I was SO annoyed with myself for not staying disciplined and my 22 year old lease CALLED my bluff in the last 10 mins of a 45 min lesson. Good thing I was sticky and didn’t come off but it was scary!
My lease boy was put on a 10 m circle in trot with shoulder-in both directions until he was foamy and blowing.
Ok. You thought you were buying into a reputable supportive training program but not recieving what you thought you were paying for. That would be upsetting. I would leave if my contract said training rides by real trainer included in fee but I was having to pay teens extra to ride my horse on the side. WTF?
I’ve been riding and jumping for over 20 years and a few months ago my instructor spent an entire lesson reminding me that my horse wasn’t failing to turn, I was failing to look through my turns and tell him where to go. I definitely KNOW that, but for whatever reason that day I could. not. do. it. It happens to the best of us!
Training my first green horse has definitely shown me that there are some concepts I only thought I understood because I was generally riding horses that knew more than I did. It’s humbling, to say the least. We’re pretty well-matched and I could go DIY without any safety concerns, and probably still make (verrrrrry slow) progress, but I want to put a correct foundation on this horse with the goal of moving up the levels later and for that I need knowledgeable eyes on the ground and in the saddle. Otherwise horse and I both start getting frustrated. I regularly catch myself wondering how I’ve been riding this long and still sometimes struggle with the basics, but all there is to do now is keep learning as much as I can.
@danhelm441 as @dmveventer, @fivestrideline and I have suggested - horse might be not the right partner for you at this time. Can you lease him out for now and take lessons on schoolmasters or find another partial lease on a more appropriate, safe critter?
also not to be alarmist - but continuing to ride a green horse without professional instruction limits the HORSE in so many ways - especially as - I will say it - a beginner rider. You are SO early in your riding education that you just don’t have enough knowledge or experience to continue to progress from this dark place that you’re feeling.
Basically you’re not giving him enough of a skillset to be useful or safe for anyone… yourself or others.
It is our responsibility to do what is most right by our animals - not all horses need “jobs” or hard work - but they do need generally to be ridable or functional in whatever way that is defined. If working students won’t get on him that’s a very bad sign for his future (with or without YOU).
Also riding a horse without proper connection, balance, suppleness opens the horse up to not only the obvious behavior problems, but also pain and lameness…horses that are ridden inverted (or incorrectly) for years have long term physical impacts and limitations.
[tl;dr, I have an option to send horse to an affordable full training program 1hr away with a former instructor, but I’m debating the pros and cons. I realize this got a bit long, but that’s the gist. Lots of pros and cons…:dizzy:]
Ok it’s taken me a minute to respond, because this was all good advice, but I just didn’t feel like I was in a position to act on any of it. Now I am—sort of—at least in the sense that I have some choices.
Choice 1: I stay where I am and commit to being more vocal and persistent about communicating what I need as a client. The pros: It’s a short drive, has an indoor for the winter, my horse is at least somewhat adjusted to the environment, and I’ve had some encouraging conversations with the trainer where we seem to be on the same page about my horse’s training.
The cons: You are dead on about the lack of organization; when I had my horse at home, he got grained and tossed hay 2x/day like clockwork—and he knew, because he would start fence walking if I was even 5 min late—but at this barn, they feed at almost random times in a random order. Sometimes they get hay first, then grain. Sometimes they get it at the same time. Sometimes hours apart. I thought the unpredictability could possibly be good for him, but now he just weaves off and on all the time and not only if his food is late. Also, I’ve realized I can’t count on meds being administered, farrier work, or training rides unless I am physically present for them. On multiple occasions, I’ve been assured it’s happened/they took care of it, only to find out it/they didn’t. I also had an issue finding him without water this summer. I just started hanging my own water bucket and not mentioning it.
In the conversation with the trainer, she chalked up what happened with the WSs as being poor communication on my part, and emphasized that I need to communicate better. I left that conversation feeling positive and like I had cleared up the issue, but in the intervening week, I feel like nothing has materially changed. I think I was quick to blame myself when, looking back at my text messages, I don’t think I could have been any clearer? So, there is a part of me that doesn’t anticipate anything changing, unless I nag them constantly and don’t worry about being a PITA boarder.
Option 2: A former riding instructor has a small program going with a few adult riders with young horses. It’s an hour away, but he’s willing to ride my horse, knows all about his history, and wants to see us succeed. The pros: The barn is quiet, there’s grass turnout, there’s an indoor and a round pen, the horses are all in training and so the environment and program are set up for that, and there aren’t that many horses so I know mine won’t fall through the cracks. The cons: it’s far away and gas prices are prohibitive (couldn’t be there every day); I’ve taken lessons with this trainer but I’ve never seen him train or ride; technically he’s not an English or h/j trainer, and I’m not sure how much experience he has with warmbloods, as opposed to QHs and TBs; winter is coming and it feels like a stressful time to move; and again, the fact that I can’t be there as often or keep tabs on my horse is concerning.
I say this because, before I moved to my current barn, I part leased a horse there for two months to feel it out. I took lessons, I talked to leasers and boarders. I thought I moved with a clear plan that everyone was on board with. But in practice, the barn is set up for level-headed, mature horses that just need a weekly tune-up ride from a competent teenager, not a dedicated training program. The knowledge is there and I do think they have good intentions and want to help, but the operation isn’t set up for it. So, that sucks, but at least I can be there every day to catch gaps in care, and there is the possibility that if I’m more vocal about training, it will happen. If I send my horse away, there’s no guarantee things will be better. And I arguably know much less about the training and the environment. If there’s an issue with care or management, I won’t be there to see it. If training is not going well, it might take me a lot longer to catch onto why. I’m also concerned my horse might straight up do something stupid like run through a fence and kill himself, and I would carry the blame because I sent him away.
Current barn sounds like an absolute shit show. Just no.
You shouldn’t have to be there every day. That’s why one pays for boarding and full care. They obviously can’t provide the training and program that you need, to say nothing of the fact that they are careless and clueless. No water in the summer is a Very Big Deal.
I’d go for option 2, go 4 times a week and keep your eye open for a well-run more local barn to move to in the spring.
You need to communicate better that (checks notes) your horse needs access to water?!
Current place is a no go. Get out of there before someone misses a huge gash or colic. I’m not sure you realize how much of a sh*tshow that place is proving to be, and how easy it is not be that way! The kids are running the show, probably not being paid fairly (if at all!), and they’re all training each other. That’s not a recipe for success, no matter how much nagging you do.
FWIW, I’m a pretty low key boarder. I have run enough barns of different sizes and boarded at enough places to know how to make things easy, what is asking too much, and what is a dealbreaker. You are at a place that is NOT going to improve, and nagging/“communicating better” isn’t going to change jack. Also you’re at a full service barn - you don’t need to be communicating with the staff. BM or BO or trainer if they wear those hats? Yes. You don’t need to train and manage the staff, you’re a boarder.
Go to the old trainer’s place and keep your eyes open for a better fit close by. 3-4 days a week is plenty to keep a horse going, especially with training rides tossed in. I’m assuming this is a western barn? Basics are basics. You and this horse are not so far along that a snaffle bit western trainer is going to be bad for you - in fact it may be fantastic.
Also, neither of these things matter. A good trainer is a good trainer, and horses are horses. I guarantee your WB has a ton of TB in it anyway, even if everything is listed as XYZ registry. Do you like the way his horses go and his riders ride (ignore the discipline)? Go for it. Go tour, ask questions, yes, but go.
Also, I’ve moved what, 15 times with my current horse? Time of year doesn’t matter, I promise.
Assuming this new trainer has a competent barn going, your horse is more likely to hurt himself and not have it caught in time at the current place.
Also, HUGE red flags if you feel like you HAVE to go out there daily. Been there, done that, I promise it’s not worth it. Unless you’re on self-care, this isn’t normal. It means you KNOW things are going poorly, and not going to improve. If you think you’re going to catch issues, but you can’t communicate well (a la trainer) or can’t pack up and move the horse that day, what does it matter?
Go. Get out. Go now and talk to this guy and ask good questions (we can help with those too), if it’s not throwing anything crazy outside of the drive, GO. Otherwise, cut back to zero training, and start doing “self care” until you can find a place. You won’t get a discount but you can do things like drop just enough premix bags of meals for a week (so you know if he missed), administer your own meds (even if you go 2x daily), stuff your own hay nets or feed your own soaked cubes, etc etc etc.
No matter what, I really really don’t think this current place is going to serve you or your green horse well.
My horse has had more injuries and medical issues since moving, it’s true. I think my gut feeling is probably right. It’s not going to get better. The only upside is being able to be there so often, but based on how down I felt all summer, “being there often” isn’t the antidote. And it’s not helping him, either. He’s no value to anyone in his current state and he really needs someone with the knowledge, time, and motivation to give him the education he needs. I’ve put more time into him than anyone and it’s not like I’ve accomplished nothing, but time and motivation alone aren’t going to cut it 🫤. The sad thing is I bet if I sold him to the BO, she’d get him sorted in 60 days and lease him out. Can’t get that level of dedication as a boarder though.
You’re spot on here, lean into it and make the change. It sounds like you’re currently caught in a green-on-green spiral and a little space will do you both good while horse gets some quality training. We all need help from a more experienced horsemen at times, no matter how long we’ve been in the game ourselves - even Olympians have trainers. Don’t worry about the discipline, once the basics are re-established you’ll have a much easier time working and progressing with a trainer in your discipline of choice.
I highly doubt this. She might be able to pull the wool over a potential leaser’s eyes but from what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like she’d put in the real work to establish a solid foundation as long as she could make money off him anyway. She sounds like one of those trainers that stay in business by convincing clients that she’s the one true horseman while hoping they don’t notice the wheels are falling off.
This would be an absolute hard stop from me. I pay for full-care board so that I don’t have to micromanage every aspect of care, and the WS work for the trainer - she should be the one managing them and communicating if things are falling through the cracks. Managing teenagers is not my job as a boarder. The fact that you left this conversation feeling positive makes me think current BO is manipulative and not just totally disorganized. If she’s willing to blame you for something this basic who knows what else is going on behind the scenes.
The part about not noticing that the wheels are falling off is always amazing. Trainer’s students frankly do poorly at competitions (shows / events) compared with other trainer’s students. (Plus a shocking rate of injury-inducing accidents at the home barn.) But there are a hundred reasons why this trainer’s students’ horses all stop at a particular jump that every other horse in the class jumped. Reasons of the horse’s mood, or a minor distraction, or this or that … but never the riding or the instruction or the coaching. Even if a clinician once had some carefully-framed comments. No information is considered if it comes from outside of the false-reality bubble of that trainer.
:dizzy:]