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Question: Connecting with a horse?

Off Course
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#1

I’ve always been highly respected by adults and my peers, so it’s easy for me to talk to people. My past is rickety so I took up horses to get away from family issues, and back then, bullying. When I did so it really helped me connect to myself. My parents bought me my first horse, then I moved and sold my horse. I REALLY connected with that mare, even if she was green broke and I was a beginner. Couldnt even saddle her or get a saddle pad or blanket by her until 8 months of working my butt off.

Now I’m moving back. I need some help. I’m now an intermediate western/english rider. I do natural horsemanship and I prefer western.

Im looking for a horse to buy in five months from the lower 48. But the problem is, I had a bad fall off a race horse and broke my arm so my parents are very worried about me getting an extremely broken gelding. [ Since my mare was too 'hormonal ’ with heat & stuff ]. But, of course I want a broken horse, all the horses they like have NO personality. They are just broken so much that they are zombies who take people through trails. I have to bond with my horse to get a connection.

Plus, I love working with rescues and training. How can I tell my parents, nicely, that I don’t need that much of their protection. I get they care and love me but I told them when I took my first lesson that it was going to be dangerous for me but that I was strong. I love the risk and adventure in horses. I want a horse who will bond with me and let me lay in their pasture or ride them galloping with all my friends and then swim in the lakes with me. That I trust, not that is just so broken its trustworhty.

Thanks,
Anna

#2

[QUOTE=JoJosGiftedGirl;7412358]
I’ve always been highly respected by adults and my peers, so it’s easy for me to talk to people. My past is rickety so I took up horses to get away from family issues, and back then, bullying. When I did so it really helped me connect to myself. My parents bought me my first horse, then I moved and sold my horse. I REALLY connected with that mare, even if she was green broke and I was a beginner. Couldnt even saddle her or get a saddle pad or blanket by her until 8 months of working my butt off.

Now I’m moving back. I need some help. I’m now an intermediate western/english rider. I do natural horsemanship and I prefer western.

Im looking for a horse to buy in five months from the lower 48. But the problem is, I had a bad fall off a race horse and broke my arm so my parents are very worried about me getting an extremely broken gelding. [ Since my mare was too 'hormonal ’ with heat & stuff ]. But, of course I want a broken horse, all the horses they like have NO personality. They are just broken so much that they are zombies who take people through trails. I have to bond with my horse to get a connection.

Plus, I love working with rescues and training. How can I tell my parents, nicely, that I don’t need that much of their protection. I get they care and love me but I told them when I took my first lesson that it was going to be dangerous for me but that I was strong. I love the risk and adventure in horses. I want a horse who will bond with me and let me lay in their pasture or ride them galloping with all my friends and then swim in the lakes with me. That I trust, not that is just so broken its trustworhty.

Thanks,
Anna[/QUOTE]

I am going to try and attempt to say this in a way that doesn’t sound too harsh…but you have a very childish and fairytale view of how your interaction with horses needs to go. You should not love the “risk” of horses…you should take it very seriously, be aware of it, respect it, and then proceed on with your life.

People who overplay the “bond” that they need with their horses are the people who honestly usually end up with unsuitable horses, and get hurt by said unsuitable horses. Because they DON’T pick the suitable, well-broke horse, and instead pick the rangy, half-broke stallion that’s been sitting in a field for two years with a rearing problem because they have a “bond” with him.

You can have a bond with any horse. Seriously. While he is not suitable for beginners, I have one of those all-business geldings. I have had him for ten years and he will still occasionally seem “cold” to me. But I have learned to appreciate his personality and I absolutely love him to pieces. And he shows his affection in very slight ways, and I know that he always “has my back”, as it were, in tough situations.

I have a pony mule who is like a big puppy dog, he wants to be with me all day every day and wishes he could ride to work in the car with me. I also have a young TB mare who whinnies for me the second she hears my car pull into the driveway, and everyone always ooh’s and ahh’s over how bonded she is to me.

But who do I trust? Who would I get on if I were not feeling well or was having a bad day? The stoic gelding. The other two are great for a snuggle, and I do love them for their own beings, and do think I’m “bonded” to them. But I love my gelding and his quiet, calm personality best. Even if I do not get the ooh’s and ahh’s from spectators about how he “must really love me.”

I’m also going to gently suggest, since you mentioned that you turned to horses because of problems, that you speak to a therapist about your need to “rescue” things. I have a feeling that it extends past horses, and this desire to rescue and repair has a place in ALL your relationships. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to rescue things (I have that personality trait as well), but you need to understand where that drive comes from, and how it can negatively effect you. (Not being able to let go in certain situations, choosing an inappropriate horse just for the sake of rescuing something, etc.)

#3

I have to agree with Gallop… Any horse will “bond” with you over time with love and care. Lesson ponies who were very quiet, “bombproof” and “trail ride” to my newest boy who is just now after six months starting to show his personality and style of affection, I have had relationships with them all.

They all are individual and I don’t think a horse has to be “breathing fire” to have personality. One of the lesson ponies who wouldn’t bat an ear at an explosion had his quirks and his own personality. Was he spitting acid and rocketing around? No, but he still loved and was completely devoted to his lesson kids.

#4

[QUOTE=GoForAGallop;7412385]
I am going to try and attempt to say this in a way that doesn’t sound too harsh…but you have a very childish and fairytale view of how your interaction with horses needs to go. You should not love the “risk” of horses…you should take it very seriously, be aware of it, respect it, and then proceed on with your life.

People who overplay the “bond” that they need with their horses are the people who honestly usually end up with unsuitable horses, and get hurt by said unsuitable horses. Because they DON’T pick the suitable, well-broke horse, and instead pick the rangy, half-broke stallion that’s been sitting in a field for two years with a rearing problem because they have a “bond” with him.

You can have a bond with any horse. Seriously. While he is not suitable for beginners, I have one of those all-business geldings. I have had him for ten years and he will still occasionally seem “cold” to me. But I have learned to appreciate his personality and I absolutely love him to pieces. And he shows his affection in very slight ways, and I know that he always “has my back”, as it were, in tough situations.

I have a pony mule who is like a big puppy dog, he wants to be with me all day every day and wishes he could ride to work in the car with me. I also have a young TB mare who whinnies for me the second she hears my car pull into the driveway, and everyone always ooh’s and ahh’s over how bonded she is to me.

But who do I trust? Who would I get on if I were not feeling well or was having a bad day? The stoic gelding. The other two are great for a snuggle, and I do love them for their own beings, and do think I’m “bonded” to them. But I love my gelding and his quiet, calm personality best. Even if I do not get the ooh’s and ahh’s from spectators about how he “must really love me.”

I’m also going to gently suggest, since you mentioned that you turned to horses because of problems, that you speak to a therapist about your need to “rescue” things. I have a feeling that it extends past horses, and this desire to rescue and repair has a place in ALL your relationships. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to rescue things (I have that personality trait as well), but you need to understand where that drive comes from, and how it can negatively effect you. (Not being able to let go in certain situations, choosing an inappropriate horse just for the sake of rescuing something, etc.)[/QUOTE]

Well said.
You would not believe how nice practically all horses are if you give them a chance, even the dull and quiet ones that don’t make your life around them dangerous, even those that didn’t need to be rescued.
All and any, if you pay attention, have their own interesting personalities.

Don’t kid yourself, practically every horse out there is listening to you, because you are what their world is all about when you are with them, you have a captive audience in them, we may say.
From the moment we come into sight of any horse, they have measured us up and then act according to what they read in us.

Learn to respond to that with the way you move and look at them and pay them attention and listen to what they are saying back and you will find then all very interesting.

Now, if you want to do special tasks with your horse, jump, work cattle, trail ride, race, whatever that is, then you have to look for that also in the horses you want to work with.

Try not to make your focus on what you want in a horse too narrow and they will surprise you.

#5

Also do keep in mind that oftentimes the super well-broke lesson horse types just need “their own person” before their personality blooms. While a lot of horses can handle it, not all horses are comfortable having multiple riders/“owners” and need to have just one consistent person to really come out of their shell.

My gelding above, for example, was passed around through seven homes by the time I got him when he was seven years old, and that’s just the official stuff that showed up on his papers. He had clearly never had a chance to bond with anyone. It was over two years before he would take a carrot from me!

#6

Connecting with a horse happens when you take the time needed to develop a relationship with the horse. Some horses are needy, some trusting and some are more reserved, but the bonding happens when you are consistent in your handling , training and care . As the horse begins to trust you, they begin to show you who they really are. A well broke horse is a treasure to own and every bit as exciting as a “rescue”, just less drama, heartache and chance of injury to the handler is all. Mare or gelding makes no difference.

#7

You sound sweet, but like you have a case of Black Stallion Syndrome. Like you want to find a wild stallion and ride bareback across an island, taming him with only your love and a turtle shell full of dried seaweed. The problem is that this is not reality, this is the opening of a young adult novel.

The problem here is this whole idea that calm/well schooled horses are “broken” and that you need “spirit” or “fire” to bond with a horse. These are sort of nebulous human concepts that horses don’t understand. This romanticism has led countless (COUNTLESS!) young people or less grounded older people into making huge mistakes with horses that are not good matches for them, because they idolize something which is essentially hot temperament, and they don’t have the experience/wherewithal to really deal with that. They often think they do (especially devotees of Natural Horsemanship) but the ones who don’t get hurt are often just very lucky. Freqently, with the “bond” affirmed and rider secure that she has tamed her horse with love and they understand each other’s every thought, does something she shouldn’t and ends up with another broken limb.

I think it’s a huge mistake to write off calm, well trained horses as “broken.” It’s sort of insulting, actually - well trained horses can and do have plenty of personality, plenty of willingness to bond, and they gallop, swim, and cuddle just as well as the hot heads (if not better, because they’re willing to steer and stuff).

Your best bet is to look at horses performing in the disciplines you want to do. You’re an intermediate rider, so your goal shouldn’t be “something I can train with my love and bond with” but “a horse who can teach me things so I can learn enough to become advanced/expert”

I’ve met lots of lesson horses, calm horses, and trustworthy horses. Each and every one was capable of forming a close bond with a person and had a ton of personality. You’re not missing out on anything by making a smart purchase (other than perhaps saving yourself a lot of grief/angst and potential injury)

Maybe I sound unsupportive (and possibly even insulting), but please realize it’s because I’ve made mistakes in this department - one of them being a “spirited” and jaw droppingly beautiful OTTB mare that dumped me on my ass regularly for the two years I owned her way back when. And yes, I connected with and loved her, but in hindsight, I can only imagine how much more fun I would have had with something actually appropriate for me. So, you know, been there and want to save you the frustration.

#8

You would sell your soul to own my schoolmaster after spending five minutes with him. Add me to the list of those who think you have been watching too many bad movies. I question how much real life horse experience you really have.

#9

[QUOTE=JoJosGiftedGirl;7412358]
But, of course I want a broken horse, all the horses they like have NO personality. They are just broken so much that they are zombies who take people through trails.[/QUOTE]

Have you ever considered that maybe you aren’t advanced enough in your equestrian knowledge to truly understand horses’ personnalities?

Or maybe try to save one of those good zombies?

I have to bond with my horse to get a connection.

Good riders get good connections with all type of horses. The ‘‘bond’’ only happen over time. Become a better rider/trainer and the bond will occur sooner.

How can I tell my parents, nicely, that I don’t need that much of their protection. I get they care and love me but I told them when I took my first lesson that it was going to be dangerous for me but that I was strong. I love the risk and adventure in horses.

You just can’t tell your parents that. They are the ones who are in charge of you right now. They are the ones who’ll have to take care of you if something happen.

Riding shouldn’t be ‘‘dangerous’’ and it has nothing to do with someone being strong or weak.

Good riders understand the risks involved but try to avoid taking chances. There is no fun in getting badly hurt or worse, permanently injured.

Also, falling down of horses don’t make better riders. It just increases their chances of dying.

I want a horse who will bond with me and let me lay in their pasture or ride them galloping with all my friends and then swim in the lakes with me. That I trust, not that is just so broken its trustworhty.

And you think that a ‘‘not so broken’’ horse will let you lay in its pasture, will gallop with your friends and swim in the lakes just 'cause it’s bonding with you?

I don’t think so. Are you good enough as a rider to train your own horse to do that? How long will it take you? If you don’t succeed, what will happen? If you get hurt while doing so, what will happen?

I think your parents are being more reasonnable than you, and that you should listen to them.

#10

Personality does not get trained out a horse :no: Maybe one that has known a life of abuse - but no, your average well trained horse is not “broken”.

You sound very new to horse training, and how these things all work. Your parents are the ones that are being wise, and a well trained horse would be MUCH better for an inexperienced rider.

I know its not very nice to say, but you sound very naive in your post.

Get a well trained horse, stay safe, and develop a bond with it.

#11

[QUOTE=Bluey;7412405]

Don’t kid yourself, practically every horse out there is listening to you, because you are what their world is all about when you are with them, you have a captive audience in them, we may say.
From the moment we come into sight of any horse, they have measured us up and then act according to what they read in us.

Learn to respond to that with the way you move and look at them and pay them attention and listen to what they are saying back and you will find then all very interesting.[/QUOTE]
Bluey, sometimes you utterly amaze me (in a good way).

#12

This reminds me of one of the most educational and fulfilling experience I ever had with horses. When I was a kid I half leased a school pony from the place where I took lessons. This was the pony everybody HATED to be assigned, because he was so slow, hard to get going, etc. He was sluggish, had a tendency to stop at jumps (not suddenly or dirty, he’d just gradually… lose… steam… and stop… seemingly no matter how hard you were trying).

By the end of that summer I had discovered how to get him to gallop. How to use my leg and seat properly. How to see distances to jumps (a skill I’ve since lost, but he made it easy once you figured it out). Did you know that pony could do flying changes every three strides? Canter from a halt? Jump 3’? He listened to my pre-teenagey gripes, shoved me in the back with his nose into a giant mud puddle, and turned out to be the most fun I’d ever had on a horse. Won a few ribbons, too.

In a lot of ways that was a lot more satisfying than experiences I’ve had since with green or more spirited horses. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of that in years, till bluey’s comment…

#13

JoJosGiftedGirl Don’t worry, everything will work out all right. I don’t think you will ever be able to tell your parents not to worry too much. That’s like telling the sun not to shine. :wink: I have adult kids and I worry about them all of the time. It is a really hard lesson for us to learn to let go and let them soar on their own wings. (A really hard lesson for us!)

I know it is hard to trust right now but I think you will be able to bond with whichever horse you get even if your parents don’t pick the one you might choose. You sound like the type of person who will take the time to figure out what makes your new horse tick, where he likes to be scratched, and what his favorite treats are. He will be your listening ear in no time.

I am really excited for you. If I were in your position I would go to bed every night dreaming of what he will look like, and everything about him. Just think, he is out there right now eating his hay and doing his horsey thing somewhere! Try to relax and think of all the good things that are to come.

#14

Anna, what does it mean to be “so broken its trustworthy?”

You mean, like horse is so well trained you can actually trust him? Oh my, oh my, you would never catch me with one of those! :slight_smile:

I would recommend for you to read a thread on Horse Care, when a poster, short time ago, shared a story about purchasing a dead-broke lesson horse, who had then started to open up to her. It was very touching. The thread is called something like “calling psychologists” or so.

As other posters recommend, I would try to get the best trained, steady minded horse I could afford.

Dysfunction might bring you thrill and challenge, but it is tiring- you are definitely not going to do the activities you listed any time soon with most rescue horses. There can be found diamonds in the rough, but many have become rescues for a reason.

A horse that you can lay down next to, then get up and gallop him through fields, and finish with a nice swim in a lake is, wait for it,… well trained Steady Eddy you seem to be so unimpressed with.

Whatever you decide to do, be always careful not to mistake effort/ investment for bond.

Btw., I have a very close bond with my horse, but he is little troubled (just have been writing about him in another thread). I feel compassion for him and I am committed to him, but I would not mind to actually own a horse I could depend on 100%. As a matter of fact, I would prefer it.

#15

I’ve been reading the Fjord facebook groups for about a year and a half. I have “met” (online) many Fjord owners of gentle, sweet, quiet, laid back, safe Fjords who have delightful personalities and whom they feel very bonded to.

What I’m trying to say is – safe and gentle doesn’t mean zombie, lazy, half-dead, zoned out, and catatonic.

#16

[QUOTE=GoForAGallop;7412426]
Also do keep in mind that oftentimes the super well-broke lesson horse types just need “their own person” before their personality blooms. While a lot of horses can handle it, not all horses are comfortable having multiple riders/“owners” and need to have just one consistent person to really come out of their shell.

My gelding above, for example, was passed around through seven homes by the time I got him when he was seven years old, and that’s just the official stuff that showed up on his papers. He had clearly never had a chance to bond with anyone. It was over two years before he would take a carrot from me![/QUOTE]

This! As well as the good advice to take safety seriously, re-read GoForAGallop’s advice. One of my mares was the same way as Gallop’s gelding; she had been claimed, auctioned, and sold something like ten times in just over a year. Then she was auctioned and sold a few more times in her broodmare career. When I got her, she was completely uninterested in me or anyone and like the gelding, would not take a carrot or an apple. She was very well behaved and obedient but always had a sour look on her face. It took two years before I one day realized that she was no longer making snake faces at me and was hanging around for my company.

Don’t forget that some of those quiet, plodding, obedient horses may be not only burned out on people but just plain burned out and tired. A year of pampering, rest, and individual attention might very well yield a horse who is not only well-trained but eager, energetic, and loaded with personality.

#17

I have one of those steady-Eddie guys who seemed to have no personality. We bought him for DH, he is bomb-proof and aptly named Rocky (he is The Rock around here!). Would trust him with my life. And – as others have said here – with pampering, care, treats and attention, his personality has bloomed. He is funny and smart and still oh-so-trustworthy. Wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world. He is everyone’s favorite here at the barn. Also, he takes his job very seriously, a very responsible soul.

Bluey is right – you would be surprised how nice most horses really are once you get to know them!

#18

I think your parents are right to be concerned. You sound like you are trying to bite off much more than your current skill set can handle.

I’m also troubled by the insistence on buying from the Lower 48. You can buy a very nice horse in Alaska for the cost of flying down to look at prospective purchases, actually buying them, and shipping them up. I find it exceptionally hard to believe that for the budget it would take to do that you can’t find a suitable horse in Alaska. Especially if you are talking about a trail/pleasure horse and not a show horse.

Have you tried to get in touch with the horse community at all, find some working student gigs, etc? I know it’s small, but the English community has some good trainers up there – I’m sure Western does as well. I think you’d benefit from some formal guidance/networking/etc.

#19

She did say she sold her horse when she moved to Alaska, but now is moving back (so I assume that means back to the contiguous US).

#20

[QUOTE=JoJosGiftedGirl;7412358]
I love the risk and adventure in horses. I want a horse who will bond with me and let me lay in their pasture or ride them galloping with all my friends and then swim in the lakes with me. That I trust, not that is just so broken its trustworhty. [/QUOTE]

“Broken” horses are not usually as trustworthy as you think. Like others have said it seems like you’ve watched too many horse movies. As person that’s restarted sever OTTB and started a few other horses. It can take YEARS to do the things you describe above, even on a not broken horse.

I wouldn’t write off the “all the other horses [that] have like NO personality”. You might learn a lot from one. And you’ll have a better chance of doing what you described above. Also maybe that way you can make your parents happy for the time being. Learn a lot more about riding and training, and be more ready for a “broken” one down the road.

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