Saying NO nicely

[CHT]

Mentally ill young adult (BPD). Has a nice BF, but that is it. No job, no hobbies other than riding. I taught her as a teen, and she recently started back on one of my horses, albeit inconsistently due to finances. I like her as a person and took her back as a student because I WASN’T THINKING. She is not someone I would let work for riding for various reasons but I like teaching her.

She messaged me last week she might get a horse this fall and is hoping she can board with me. Thing is, she boarded with me before (her first horse). It went HORRIBLY and she was evicted after a month or so. We stayed FB friends though. Add to that, she lost her last horse because she didn’t pay her board at her last barn (not sure I am getting all the facts - but she was trying to sue to get her horse back? and has decided to give up). I think her BF (nice guy) makes ok money, but not buy your GF a horse money. They are young.

I replied to her message “that’s exiting! I will see you next week”. I have NO idea how to tell her NO, she will not board here, without really hurting her feelings or making her feel unwelcome. I am worried about 1) her not being able to pay board/vet 2) her not being realistic in what type of horse she buys and 3) her having very poor judgement when it comes to horse care/safety.

Do I tell her that? Part of me is just hoping that nothing comes of her desire to buy a horse and I can just nod and smile in the meantime…

[2DogsFarm]

No job?
What would she use to pay for board?
Why - knowing her history as a horseowner/boarder - would you want her at your barn?
There’s probably no “nice” way to tell her no.
Just be honest & expect fallout.

[lenapesadie]

Since I had to evict you last time you boarded with me I won’t be able to offer you a board spot in the future. Best of luck!

[OverandOnward]

Do you do any background check before accepting your boarders?

“So, all my boarders now have to pass a background check. Here’s what you need before you can bring your horse.”

Sign an authorization to pull credit history. (She doesn’t have to know that you aren’t doing that.) She must have a letter from a previous board barn stating that she is a boarder who pays on time, follows rules, and is pleasant and not in contention with other boarders. You may think of other things.

Horse has to have paperwork showing that it is up-to-date on vaxx & Coggins.

Meeting these requirements may discourage her from buying a horse at all.

Her horse is not your problem. You have zero obligation to solve her problem if she buys a horse and tells you she has nowhere to go with it.

[If she phones and tells you that, give the answer, get off the phone and go lock the front gate. ]

---

Things to think about –

You kicked her out once, so why is she asking to board with you? Answer: Her other board barn(s) won’t have her. They have already said so.

Just. Say. No. Forget all the requirements I listed above, and tell her how you feel – that’s how to tell her she can’t board with you. “I really like you as a person, but there is no way I can have you back in the barn again. I know you say you’ve made changes, but I’m sorry, it’s a hard no. I’m not negotiable and I’m not going to debate or discuss it.”

Bottom line: It isn’t about her. It is about you. Brace up to losing her as a friend and as a student to have your own peace of mind with her not boarding.

You indicate that you may have made a mistake to take her as a student again. If she dumps you for refusing to board, you haven’t lost much.

If her friendship is conditional on you doing as she tells you (boarding her horse), how manipulative is that? How much of a true friendship is it?

You can do this. If you seriously consider her manipulation and boundary-crossing behavior, honestly it won’t even be hard.

[LookinForSpace]

Even if you have empty stalls, “I’m not ready to take on another horse to board right now.” Wash, rinse, repeat. Tell her that Before she gets another horse!

The “right now” at least gives you a tiny bit of wiggle room if you end up taking on another boarder in a few months. Don’t get into details, just repeat that you can’t take another horse on now.

[Bluey]

It is easier on all involved to just say no room at the inn and stick by your guns.
She will keep asking and begging, seems to be how she operates.
Keep repeating “no and quit asking, please”.

The more you excuse and reason you end up looking bad to yourself and telling why not try one more time, to your deep regret forever.

“When someone tells you who they are, just believe them the first time” and save everyone much aggravation.

Some people are better kept off your life.
Quit being nice when they are rude and intrusive and lose contact with them.

[Scribbler]

@CHT you are currently injured and going through a life reassessment, right? I say this because sometimes when we are injured or ill, we become overly sympathetic to other people who are struggling. Partly empathy, partly because it’s more work to keep up boundaries.

But everything you’ve said about this person, she’s the last thing you need in your life right now. It’s going to go sideways in the same way. I can’t remember if BPD is bipolar or borderline, but you don’t need the drama of either

Just say you won’t be able to take her horse, and if she persists say it didn’t work out last time. And if you lose her as a friend so be it.

[ChocoMare]

COTH taught me this many years ago: “No” is a one-word sentence.

You don’t have to be ugly or mean… just a soft, gentle “No.”

It’s business, so keep it business-like

[Old_Mac_Donald]

“I am not taking on any more boarders”

Edit. If she knows you are carrying vacancies, do what I do at work: “Those are reserved”. Hang a reserved sign on them if need be.

[clanter]

just Because there is an empty does not mean the support resources are available

[Foxglove]

@ChocoMare said what I was thinking: COTH taught me to say NO! In a couple of weeks I am off to a Mounted Archery venue for a few days. A woman I met once contacted me and asked we could “share” my horse --this is something some mounted archers do often, but not something I do with rare exceptions (my 13 year old neighbor wanted to try MA so I let her ride one of my horses to give it a go). I considered very briefly my answer while checking out this woman’s FB page —she has horses! She has at least 3 and various other critters pictured on her farm that is close to the venue. I am hauling my boy 5 hours to attend. He will need to carry me through 3 days of archery. I don’t know how well this woman rides. So, I said if she wanted to WALK him, I’d be ok with that --but if she was entering Canter division, then she needed to look further. I gave her no explanation --just NO I won’t share my horse. Yeah, I’d love to be “nice” but I think it is in my horse’s best interest to say no.

[fivestrideline]

When you see her in person, just “hey, I got your text about maybe purchasing a horse. I just wanted to let you know that I’m not able to take on any new boarders right now, and I’m not expecting that to change any time soon. If you start shopping, you should also find another place to board first. Anyways, about your ride today…”

Rinse and repeat. “I’m not able to take any more boarders right now.” Don’t add details or excuses, don’t get dragged into giving suggestions for other barns to try. Don’t look at ads or videos for potential horses (if she sends them, just say “cute!” or something and move on). Don’t get dragged into this, if it goes past the dreaming phase.

[TheJenners]

@OverandOnward

You kicked her out once, so why is she asking to board with you? Answer: Her other board barn(s) won’t have her. They have already said so.

BPD doesn’t work that way, assuming OP means borderline personality disorder and not some other issue that the acronym fits as well. They think, feel, believe that things are good now and therefore the past doesn’t matter (unless it matters to them).

Tell her no. If you have empty stalls let her know that you are keeping them empty. Don’t give a reason because she’ll come up with “solutions.” Tell her sooner rather than later. You can be honest and tell her since you had to evict her before (you don’t say why) and lost her horse to nonpayment at another facility, you are not accepting her as a boarder but you can continue to give her lessons. Or just tell her no.

[Impractical_Horsewoman]

I see two options:

“I value you as a friend, and I enjoy teaching you, despite our past difficulties. Unfortunately, I am going through some very serious health issues right now, I have to be extra-selective about who I take as boarders, so I’m going to have to say ‘no.’ I don’t think I’d be a good fit for you as a barn owner. Best luck with whatever you decide, though.”

The other option may be kinder, but more difficult, which is a CTJ moment and suggest she get some therapy, keep riding, and put getting another horse on the backburner, if you’re a very close friend. I realize it’s hard to get through the BPD haze. However, give your own struggles, I wouldn’t feel obligated to do this, and I agree when we’re physically vulnerable, we don’t always make the best decisions.

[OverandOnward]

Do not make up untrue reasons why she can’t board with you. That just leaves the door open for you to be harassed endlessly and have to give this answer endlessly.

Not taking boarders is a condition that can change. Plus maybe it is demonstrably untrue. And inconvenient for you.

It’s hard, but tell her the truth. If she doesn’t have any more contact with you, that’s ok. It’s proof of her manipulative tactics.

“I’m sorry but it isn’t going to work to have you as a boarder in my barn, and that is a final decision.” There may be some pushback, but stick to your position. And perhaps go ahead and end the lessons too, so she isn’t on the property.

This is not about her. This is about you. Good luck!

[OverandOnward]

The title is “Saying NO nicely”. “Nicely “ is the trap.

The first priority is “NO”. Not “nicely”. “Nicely” is “nice to have“. But it is not the most important thing.

“Nicely” is the wonderful trait of the nice person, that the not-so-nice person uses for manipulation and power.

So, keep things in perspective. This woman obviously crosses boundaries, or you would not have posted this question to COTH.

She’s planning to create a problem for herself by buying a horse that she is not equipped to care for. Is it fair for her to try to hand her self-created problem to you?

Obviously you have already answered to yourself “no”.

[Posting_Trot]

I think I would try to be frank with her but try to do it kindly.

One problem with the strategy of smiling and hoping she doesn’t buy another horse is that she may be factoring your willingness to board the horse into her plans. If she knew that you really weren’t willing to board her horse, and she had to find another place first, she might not start actively looking.

She also sounds like the kind of person who might take a “free” (and possibly problematic) horse because she thinks she has the know-how to deal with it. And then you’d have even more issues to deal with.

You could say some version of the following. Either: I’m not sure you’re ready as a rider to own another horse right now. Why don’t you keep taking lessons and see how that goes?

Or (and perhaps more frankly and harder to couch in a kind way), When you boarded your previous horse with me, we had to part ways within a month. So if you do get a horse, you should find another place to board it.

And then you should stick to your decision.

Good luck!

[cayuse]

“I am unable to take on new boarders at this time” full stop. No other explanation is needed. In fact, I have a hunch the more you explain to her that boarding at your facility is not an option, the more she’ll dig at you about it and create all sorts of drama. Less is more.

[FjordBCRF]

@Posting_Trot

You could say some version of the following. Either: I’m not sure you’re ready as a rider to own another horse right now. Why don’t you keep taking lessons and see how that goes?

I think this is too wishy washy and the kid doesn’t need OPs permission to buy a horse.

OP do you have stalls open? And are you actively looking to fill them? I would be hesitant to say you’re not looking at taking on any new boarders unless that is true. There is room for friction if she see you bring someone else in after you gave her that line OR open the door up to the same conversation again.

I would be frank and just say that due to her history of being asked to leave your barn, you cannot take her on.

@OverandOnward

Do you do any background check before accepting your boarders?

“So, all my boarders now have to pass a background check. Here’s what you need before you can bring your horse.”

Sign an authorization to pull credit history. (She doesn’t have to know that you aren’t doing that.) She must have a letter from a previous board barn stating that she is a boarder who pays on time, follows rules, and is pleasant and not in contention with other boarders. You may think of other things.

Horse has to have paperwork showing that it is up-to-date on vaxx & Coggins.

Meeting these requirements may discourage her from buying a horse at all.

I think this is a valid approach too given she likely isn’t going to meet all those requirements and that is an easy no at that point. If she WERE to somehow meet them all, then you’d be in a spot of eating your words though.

Id personally go the route with having had to already evict her.

[NancyM]

I have no problems saying “no”. “No, not taking boarders, sorry” works.