I agree.
The nicest way to handle this is to make it clear and decisive so the conversation doesn’t drag out into endless bargaining and the girl doesn’t continue planning under the false assumption she can board with OP.
OP may very well wish to take other boarders that fit her program. Lying to the girl is not kind. The truth may sting but honesty is the best policy here.
Yes, I too would have acted surprised, as I would have been and said no, we already tried that, no way and do think hard if you really want to own a horse and all that time, money and trouble they are today to own, but is your life to do what you want.
Change the conversation from you taking care again of her and her troubles to her thinking about other, anything else.
Do that every time she tries to shoehorn in your life again, especially if you have serious troubles of your own now to handle.
Sorry you are in a tough spot and some are not gentle and caring, but try to take advantage of your drive to help others to pile it on, to their advantage. 
Ugh. The endless bargaining. It’s practiced manipulation.
I’d approach the situation in the same manner. Being upfront from the get-go might help prevent this person from possibly making a big mistake: buying a horse with unreliable finances.
You can be diplomatic while still flatly telling her that because of her past boarding history, she cannot board with you. You’re putting on your Barn Business Hat and speaking to her adult to adult. She needs to clearly understand that she cannot count on you to give her horse a place to live.
I want to circle back to this as I didn’t really think that much about it when I posted earlier, and Ill preface this by saying I am no expert. I have a friends whose daughter was diagnosed BPD. The cunning and manipulation was out of this world with her. I don’t know if that is common with BPD or not, but it sure was with her.
Keeping that in mind…I would approach her in no uncertain terms that she will not be boarding with you. Shut that door now and shut it hard. If she is anything like the girl I knew, anything other than that may cause you serious trouble.
Editing to add as this all tracks in my experience…
Bolded parts track very hard.
You will never get all the facts with someone like her. The suing thing happened with my friends daughter in a different capacity. The BF isnt likely going to stay around for very long. Friends daughter jumps from person to person to support her and gets by because she’s so good at the manipulation.
There also seems to be a thrill of the chase thing too and this could be manifesting as her saying she’s going to get another horse to keep at YOUR barn because she may feel like she has you in her corner.
I haven’t felt manipulated by her. I don’t think she has real reason to think I wouldn’t take her in as a boarder as I did stay “friendly” with her. I think she thinks she is showing a commitment to me? She wanted to bring her last horse here, but fortunately we were full at the time, so it was easy to say no - she took him to her previous lesson barn. In hindsight, I should have been more honest then.
We aren’t friends - it just cost me nothing to be supportive/answer her questions after she left so we stayed in contact. I don’t think she has much for useful adults in her life.
She has been at two barns after leaving here: one closed and the more recent one is the one she is in dispute with over her losing her horse non payment.
She and BF were out today: she didn’t mention buying a horse at all today, so maybe it is her dreaming and not something BF was even aware of? he seems supportive of her riding and has come to all but one of her lessons since she came back. He seems to like coming out and chatting: he mentioned they are saving to buy her a car and another large ticket item: nothing about a horse. I decided to not bring it up because I didn’t want to embarrass her in front if him just in case.
I feel like if I lied to her, and she found out I lied, it would be more harmful than helpful. This is a person that has been very hurt.
@FjordBCRF I wonder if she mentioned getting a horse because she thinks I WANT her to get a horse…which is a fair assumption as I don’t have much for lesson horses. It may actually be her feeling she is buying her way in? She doesn’t seem cunning or manipulative, but her brain definitely works differently - she shares personal things she probably shouldn’t for example.
I need a psychology degree.
How does this sound (in case it comes up again)?
"Hey, I am really happy for you are feeling ready to get another horse, but I hope you will take more time getting yourself in a better place before you do. A horse is a big financial burden for a young adult, so hopefully you will consider just taking lessons until you are well enough to get a job. DH and I aren’t comfortable offering you board at this time, but I am still here for you for lessons or mentoring. "
From my experience, you won’t realize you’ve been manipulated by someone who is very good at it until well after the fact. I’m completely speculating, but her making you think that she thinks YOU want her to get a horse, could be part of a bigger scheme.
Id say that sounds insane but having seen it happen first hand to multiple people from another person with BPD…it’s not.
Just keep it all on your radar!
I think it is actually her BF that is being manipulated now that you point it out.
By her not doing anything else, I wonder if she is making him feel that buying her a horse is the ONLY thing to make her happy/better. It just doesn’t make sense to me that she does nothing all day, and stresses that riding is her ONLY thing. But she had horses when she went through some bad times, so having a horse isn’t going to solve her mental health issues. Hopefully he knows that?
Practically everyone is over their heads with those types of master manipulators.
If that is what is going on there, beware, disengage before you too find yourself part of the mess.
If you have problems with your own life and health, that kind of stress is not what you should be involved with right now.
Knowledge is power, even if you can’t do anything there, forewarned is forearmed to deal with bad situations if and when they happen.
I’d say signs point to it based on the bits you mention.
I wouldn’t frame anything around her “wellness”. That’s stepping into a space that’s not really your lane. The comfortable at this time is also super passive and wishy washy.
Oh wow! That sounds like an exciting opportunity. I look forward to continuing to teach you lessons on my horses as you are interested. If you end up finding something you’re welcome to trailer in for lessons.
If she explicitly follows up about boarding then tackle it directly. If this is your barn/you are the face of it, own that. If a boarder has been evicted for any reason, I do not offer future boarding opportunities. Period. Your barn. Your rules. No need to have a partners discomfort be an excuse.
Just IMO – absolutely no way does this woman ever drive a trailer with a horse in it onto my property. There is a chance that she doesn’t leave. Just moves herself into the barn when I’m doing other things, while I think that she is doing other things, too. Because, you know, that way no first-last month’s board payment. In fact, no board payment at all. The board payment is under the rock called “later”.
Very probably he knows what he wants to know.
If the speculation about her manipulativeness is on track, she will be an expert in finding people who will enable her. Finding a BF and eventually a husband who will believe the endless bullshit, that will never stand up to her. Never say no. Might suggest taking an easier, less complicated ife path, but will stay on board when the opposite happens.
In other words, no brakes on this car. Likely no steering either.
Truest truth ever spoken.
Yup.
Have long experience with these types, diagnosed or not. If you don’t say explicitly (preferably in writing): “No. Boarding here will not happen”, I can guarantee she is going to show up in your barnyard with a horse.
With this level of expert manipulation, the absence of the brick wall from you = Yes.
Reading this thread the events of Michael Barisone/Lauren Kanarek just keep coming to mind, I know not the same circumstances BUT if No had been said early on rather than ending up in the mess it became the horse world would have been better off
This. After further information, I have to say you need to nip this very clearly.
Even if she’s not consciously trying to manipulate you OP, people hear what they want to hear. The fact that you didn’t OUTRIGHT say “No, you cannot board here” = permission and agreement that she CAN board with you. I would not be shocked to hear she showed up with a random FB pickup/auction horse/freebie one day with no notice.
I would say that you have a policy that you do not board anyone who you have previously evicted.
I agree with that you need to respond to the text with a no type answer because it sounds like this person will take no answer as you being OK with it.
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