Should some people just not work with horses?

[Airfern]

It is very depressing to think the one thing that I really WANT to do in my life I can’t.

If you really want to do it you have to get over the mind set that you can’t. There is no time frame for a goal. Take the steps you need at your pace. Set up small goals and do not be intimidated by the larger goal. if you have to take two steps back for every step forward, then do it and don’t let the number of tries bother you. However if you keep taking steps back and making excuses for the “I want to but I can’t” then you have set your self up for defeat.

I was a horse crazy kid all my life, but could not afford the luxury of ever owning one till I was in my late 40s. As many people know women like me, I had the cash and bought the most gorgeous green broke horse I could afford. Without a thought in the world that I had not ridden any horse in over 20 years reality of my mistake hit hard. I was over mounted and payed the price in numerous falls, broken bones and lost my nerve. But, the passion was there, and with a good trainer, lessons and baby steps I am able to ride.
Am I confident, sometimes.
Will it get better, yes.
Will I have a bad ride or fall again, possibly
Will I be brave enough to overcome the fear and lack of confidence to put my foot in the stirrups for each lesson…Absolutely!! Because my love of riding and horses will overcome the fear.

What helps is changing your thought process of “I CAN"T” to “I WILL TRY!” Every “try” is success towards your goal.

Or there is always Yoda’s advise, " Do. Or do not, There is no try" but he is a tough teacher

I wish you luck!

[sammy14]

‘‘I had to leave him in training with her because I didn’t have time to ride more than a day or two a week’’… This may be part of the problem ?
Perhaps when you are physically able a type of boot camp, where you ride 4 or 5 times a week for several weeks with a positive ‘‘will do what it takes’’ attitude might help.

[BabyGoose]

@Airfern

If you really want to do it you have to get over the mind set that you can’t. There is no time frame for a goal. Take the steps you need at your pace. Set up small goals and do not be intimidated by the larger goal. if you have to take two steps back for every step forward, then do it and don’t let the number of tries bother you. However if you keep taking steps back and making excuses for the “I want to but I can’t” then you have set your self up for defeat.

I was a horse crazy kid all my life, but could not afford the luxury of ever owning one till I was in my late 40s. As many people know women like me, I had the cash and bought the most gorgeous green broke horse I could afford. Without a thought in the world that I had not ridden any horse in over 20 years reality of my mistake hit hard. I was over mounted and payed the price in numerous falls, broken bones and lost my nerve. But, the passion was there, and with a good trainer, lessons and baby steps I am able to ride.
Am I confident, sometimes.
Will it get better, yes.
Will I have a bad ride or fall again, possibly
Will I be brave enough to overcome the fear and lack of confidence to put my foot in the stirrups for each lesson…Absolutely!! Because my love of riding and horses will overcome the fear.

What helps is changing your thought process of “I CAN"T” to “I WILL TRY!” Every “try” is success towards your goal.

Or there is always Yoda’s advise, " Do. Or do not, There is no try" but he is a tough teacher

I wish you luck!

I agree with you about I can’t vs I will try… because I have been saying that just about everyday for years. And it never seems to get better. I don’t seem to get better. For every step I thought I was taking forward, I was taking 12 back. I don’t know how many times I have said, just one more time, it will be better. One more horse, this one will be different. Then it isn’t. That is why I am starting to question. Maybe I really can’t, no matter how much I try, no matter how much I do.

[BabyGoose]

@candyappy

Maybe you are trying too hard? If riding for fun and going calmly down the trail would make you happy then focus on that?

Jumping from one discipline to another and failing at it does nothing to increase your self confidence. I wonder if your thinking you can’t is the reason you can’t. We can talk ourselves into believing most anything.

My daughter who is 22 has never desired to do more than get on and ride behind me down the trail & across our fields. She likes to look around and just walk, trot and canter a bit now and again. Her current little mare ( of 7 years) does just that. I know she rides well enough to stay out of her mouth and stay on, she can turn and stop her and can ask her to move on with her legs. What more do you need?

If she can do it anyone can.

Trying to hard could be part of it. I almost feel like I am getting desperate for something to actually go right. I am sure that makes me even more anxious.

I would love to just ride down the trail. But I would still need a horse that I could do that on. That wouldn’t get spooky and run off. And like I said, I manage to make even the calmest, bombproof horse misbehave. Maybe not right away on the first ride, but it creeps in insidiously. That quiet gentle horse starts to get spooky, or pushy, or resistant. They all know how that they can get the upper hand with me. I don’t know how to fix that.

[NoSuchPerson]

OP, I had a similar experience with flying. With an instructor pilot in the copilot seat, I was a kick-ass pilot. A bit of prodigy. I took to instrument flying like a duck to water - with an instructor pilot in the co-pilot seat. I even managed to get a private pilot license. But, I had some kind of mental block or congenital lack of confidence or psychological issue or something and I just could not keep my shit together to fly solo for any length of time. I flew off and on for about 10 years and was never able to fix the problem. The last time I tried was about 25 years ago.

I’m sorry you’re having this problem. I hope you can find some resolution that brings you peace of mind. And I hope your recovery and rehab goes smoothly.

[ToN_Farm]

@BabyGoose

And like I said, I manage to make even the calmest, bombproof horse misbehave. Maybe not right away on the first ride, but it creeps in insidiously. That quiet gentle horse starts to get spooky, or pushy, or resistant. They all know how that they can get the upper hand with me. I don’t know how to fix that.

I’m wondering if it is as bad as you say or if you are exaggerating. I tend to do that, as I am a glass half empty person. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone that was so lacking in ability that they couldn’t manage walking a quiet horse on trail. I’ve met a couple that were so timid they needed to be supervised by a trainer constantly.

But as many years as you’ve been at it and to still have these problems is very discouraging. It seems to me that the reason these horses take advantage of you is that you don’t know how to deal with very basic riding issues. You should have been taught that. Is it a question that you don’t know what to do or that you are afraid to do it?

Let me give you an example. Say you are on the horse walking or trotting and the horse tries to stop or turn around the other direction. Could you handle something like this?

Do you have any video of your riding that you could share? Are you fit? How is your balance?

[joiedevie99]

I agree that video would be helpful. Without that, here’s what I would recommend…

1. Weekly sessions with a therapist or sports psychologist to start dealing with the self confidence issues and figure out the reasons why this isn’t working.
2. No riding horses of your own, for now.
3. If you still have that retired horse in the field, groom him at least 5x week. Just love him, no work required.
4. After a few therapy sessions, find a dude ranch or hack line type place where you can go on a trail ride on a random horse that is used to non-riders. Don’t try to do anything. Just sit there and look at the scenery.
5. If you are able to find a place like this, keep going back every week or two for another trail ride on a random horse.

Don’t make plans, or put any pressure on yourself. See how you feel after 2 months of this.

[Jackie_Cochran]

Baby Goose, please believe me that I am not trying to get down on you in any way.

ALL the horses I ride know they are bigger, stronger, and faster reacting than I am, especially the 1,800 lb. 18.2 half draft. That is part of the problems I have with these horses right from the start.

I cannot go trail riding, though I used to do a lot of it. This is because of my exhaustion, I can only manage riding 30 min., and I always want someone keeping an eye on me. I have had horses “disappear” from under me on the trail, including, especially, my first horse, my angel from heaven, who just every once in a while got a hair up his ass. He had the best disposition of every horse I’ve ever known. I’ll be totally honest, I am TOO SCARED to trail ride nowadays, though I have not had problems recently the rare times I’ve gotten out of the ring. It is just too exhausting for me.

One of the beauties of the Forward Seat was the insistence that riders learn, and frequently practice, riding the horses on loose/sagging reins. Another beauty of the Forward Seat is the insistence that the lower leg stay STABLE. This is the main reason that I, with my many, many physical faults, could ride my Anglo-Arab (the angel), Arabs, part Arabs, and Paso Fino without inciting them to run away or ditch me on the trail or in the ring. None of these horses were “quiet” (except for the angel–he took care of beginners), and the Paso Fino often felt like a fire cracker about to go off.

It was when I got out of the Forward Seat, in the ring and on the trail, that the horses would start getting restive, spooky, snorty, head flinging, shying and exploding. The horses got this way because my legs would be looser and not under my control, my balance would worsen and I’d be shifting around in the saddle more, and those problems made my hands worse, less fluid, clenching my fingers, and becoming harsher to the horse. My bad. When the horse made its point that I needed to improve my riding right then and there, I mended my ways by getting back into the proper Forward Seat and my hands improved because my seat was more secure, and the rest of the ride was usually pleasant.

I am NOT saying that you are a bad rider. But it sounds like out on the trail it may benefit you to change your riding some. I had to, I had to get rid of the horrible seat I developed in South America just trail riding just so I could ride my Anglo-Arab, the angel horse. He may have been an angel, but he was still 1/2 TB and made sure to remind me of that fact when my riding got worse. And you know when he made a point to dump me? It was when my seat loosened up out on the trail, many, many, many times.

I hope you get some good ideas from this lengthy discussion of my riding sins. Looking back I am amazed that my horses never tried to kill me because sometimes my MS made my riding SO BAD. As my MS got worse the only place I could ride was out on the trails, so I speak from years of experience with this. EVERY TIME I bought a new horse, I would wonder why in the world I ever thought that I knew anything at all about horses because the first few months were hairy at times. I would wonder why I ever thought I could ride at all even after decades of riding. If I had not been riding Forward Seat, I never, ever, ever have ended up riding seriously for 47 years. I might have made it just riding Western (Western back then, different now) just because I would have been able to hold onto the horn, but I sure would not have made it riding in any other English style (modern hunt seat, dressage or saddle seat) out on the trails those years my MS was quickly worsening.

One step forward twelve steps back? I’ve been there.

Super, super discouraged years on end? I’ve been there too. After my car wreck I hardly rode for 5 years, I’d try but I just got too exhausted and I could not do it without help. I wish so very, very much I could still ride like I could on trails and all, but riding is just too important to me to stop doing it in spite of being limited to the riding ring. Riding keeps me walking on my own two feet, riding got me out of my electric wheelchair from over a decade ago, and I just cannot give up on riding horses.

Good luck. I am on your side. I think you can get through this, mostly due to the fact you have continued on for years. That is what I did, and I still ride and could probably go out on the trail in relative safety if I just had the energy to do it.

[BeeHoney]

The OP’s question is an interesting one. Horses absolutely respond differently to different people. I find it interesting to watch how the same horse can interpret one timid human beginner as worthy of kindly “parenting” and view another human beginner as an annoying “upstart” to be ignored or mistrusted.

Similarly, the same horse can respond with respect and calm submission to one confident or “tough” rider, and set themselves stubbornly against or challenge for superiority another similarly “tough” rider.

Horses are like people somewhat in that their response to any particular human is a complex decision. Yes, there are certain personalities that are more or less likable or trustworthy to many horses, but it isn’t a formula by any means.

Horses are very much influenced by whom they are with. For example, many quiet, obedient horses are submissive in their herds. However, such a quiet and obedient horse might become very uncomfortable when paired with a confidence lacking, submissive human. Why? Because that horse doesn’t want to be the leader, but they sense the obvious leadership vacuum and feel obligated to step up. Since they are not comfortable being the leader, suddenly that calm horse might become anxious, distracted, or spooky.

Many horses strongly prefer confident riders and handlers. Horses live a life strictly ordered by hierarchy, and they like that to be clear. Most horses are much more calm for an experienced handler because in their mind, they have much less to worry about if they aren’t having to worry about who is running the show. But because horses follow body language, you can’t pretend that confidence, it has to be genuine.

Anyway, OP, I have some ideas for you. Have you thought about pursuing a non-riding horse interest for a time? Maybe you will have a hidden talent for training minis to perform in hand? Maybe taking driving lessons and playing with (well trained) driving ponies would be a fun change of pace?

When you are healed, you could revisit the idea of riding. Maybe you would do better in a part lease where the horse is “maintained” by another rider. Perhaps you need a different trainer–a trainer who specializes in the type of horse you need and who has horses in the barn that are well known over a long period of time, horses that the trainer might have a better idea of how they will do with a more timid rider over a period of time.

[M]

If there is an Equicizer - mechanical horse near you, give it a try. It will just be about you and what you are doing. You will be safe and not so concerned as to horse reaction though I expect the you may have the same emotional responses at first . At the same time, the mechanical horse will respond to your balance and aids so if you are pulling, or strong or crooked or … you will have feedback from the horse and from the instructor. There can be videos for virtual experience. It has been used for rehabbing jockeys after loosing nerve after injuries. Mechanical horses are used to train riders for racing and other horse sports. If I recall correctly, a French trainer said it was part of her schooling. I have seen videos of simulated jumping too.
May not be a cure all, but you will learn what you are actually doing and ingrain the balance and physical communication. See where it goes from there.

[phoebetrainer]

What is your confidence or assertiveness like in the rest of your life? Can you tell people “No”, or “I want to do this” and express your own wants and needs when they are or might be different from those of the people around you?
Once you are sure you are confident and acting that way in the rest of your life, I would suggest hours in the saddle. Not once or twice a week, but hours every day, for days in a row. Can you get on to a ranch or farm where they use horses for stock work? We talk about wet saddle blankets being good for some horses - well I think that sore muscles / butt can be good for some riders.

It does seem to me that you have worked really hard at this - maybe it won’t work for you. What is your mini like for you to handle? Does s/he walk all over you?

[Sleipnir]

I haven’t read all the replies, so forgive if I repeat what has already been said.

OP, I used to have a somewhat similar problem when I just started learning to ride. I could get on the calmest, slowest horse there was (in several riding schools and privately) and, after a while, the horse would go haywire and speed up uncontrollably in the trot and canter. It gave me a couple of bad scares and made me question my abilities and talent. However, I made the right decision to visit a physio and they discovered that my pelvis is out of alignment and, whenever I cantered, one of my seatbones dug crookedly into the horses’ back. No wonder they got confused and speedy, as my seat was saying “Go, go, GO!!!” while my upper bodies and hands were trying to slow them down desperately. After therapy, some yoga and several lessons with a good trainer who addressed my body awareness, the problem disappeared entirely, although I still have to be very conscious of how I ride.

Good luck!

[Bluey]

OP, if there is a riding for therapy group near you, look into helping as a side walker as part of your therapy to get back around horses.

Being a volunteer with such groups is very rewarding in itself and will give you more time with horses also.

[SharonA]

Well, just to put it out there, why keep struggling? I know you’ve been doing it for 30 years, but, it seems like it hasn’t been working for 30 years. I will play Devil’s Advocate, just for the sake of it, and offer the conversation of whether you would better enjoy walking down the trail with other people, instead of on a horse. Hiking, cycling, cross-country skiing… take up painting or drawing nature or photography (including horses) – these might fulfill you without the anxiety.

I really don’t mean this to be a “give it up” post. I mean it to be a “let’s reframe the issue.” You enjoy being outside and going down the trail, you love horses, but you haven’t been successful in connecting with horses as a rider. So, turn the dial a bit and connect with them as an artist or engage with them in a way that takes advantage of your strengths. You are able to afford a horse, but don’t have bajillions of hours of time; could you be happy sponsoring rescue horses, and connecting them with future adopters, trainers, etc.?

[NC001]

OP I think you are being hard on yourself and expecting too much. I agree with pp saying to get involved with horses other than just riding for awhile. But I also feel like you should take lessons and half lease a lesson horse- one you know will be kept schooled so you can relax some and not worry so much. I dont see why you couldnt trail ride with others where a confident horse leads the way so you wouldnt have to worry so much about being the confident leader to your horse. And then see how things go. Do what is fun for you- you dont have to own a horse and improve your riding each week, just try to enjoy what you are doing.
I see many timid children that ride in lessons and yes sometimes the horses take advantage of them but they are safe and having a good time. I am sure you can too.

[AnastasiaBeaverhousen]

OP Please select the response that most represents the response you are looking for…

A) Yes. You suck at this. Give it up before you ruin anymore horses.

B) Oh you poor thing. You don’t suck at this. Keep trying.

C) You just have bad luck with horses and trainers.

D) Get an animal communicator and see what your horse says.

I can take a stab at what is going on here.
You are pumping on the gas and stepping on the brakes at the same time . This will evoke a lack of merriment in the kindest and gentlest horse over time.
I also think you have a problem listening and doing what your trainer tells you because
a) you got a running dialogue going on in your head due to anxiety
b) you have something physical going on which prevents you from being able to sit correctly… i.e. balance inner ear or hip or spine issues.

You may want to have a physical to check these things out.
And see someone about cognitive therapy and meds for anxiety. There is no need to be ashamed of this. A lot of people have anxiety issues and still manage to ride and enjoy it.

Now if you posted on here because you are attention seeking well you will get results but maybe not what you wanted.

You strike me as a “yes but” er . When someone makes a suggestion you come up with 20 reasons why you can’t do it.

Do you do this with your trainer?

If you don’t want to seek therapy there are some things you can do to alleviate stress before you ride

If you are anxious about riding then own it. Learn some meditative self-calming techniques to quiet your mind. Get some lavender spray and put some on your wrists or your riding gloves. It is good for the nerves.

If you are anxious about anything else don’t try to ride until you’ve resolved it. Horses read body language. That is how they communicate. So if you are feeling tense about anything at all they are going to pick up on that.

I truly hope you find out what the real problem is so that you can fully experience the joy that comes from being around horses.

[BabyGoose]

@ToN Farm

I’m wondering if it is as bad as you say or if you are exaggerating. I tend to do that, as I am a glass half empty person. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone that was so lacking in ability that they couldn’t manage walking a quiet horse on trail. I’ve met a couple that were so timid they needed to be supervised by a trainer constantly.

But as many years as you’ve been at it and to still have these problems is very discouraging. It seems to me that the reason these horses take advantage of you is that you don’t know how to deal with very basic riding issues. You should have been taught that. Is it a question that you don’t know what to do or that you are afraid to do it?

Let me give you an example. Say you are on the horse walking or trotting and the horse tries to stop or turn around the other direction. Could you handle something like this?

Do you have any video of your riding that you could share? Are you fit? How is your balance?

If the horse tried to stop or turn around, I could make the go ahead or turn back the desired direction. The first time it happened. Maybe even the 2nd, 3rd, 10th time it happened. But at some point it is like the horse senses I am not going to be able to handle it if they start to push the issue. So they up the ante and try pulling more stuff, this causes me to worry, get anxious and nervous. Then I think they are thinking “aha! I got this one. She won’t make me do it.” Or maybe depending on the horse it make the horse nervous that I am showing I am not in complete control and they get nervous. Either way, it usually goes downhill from there. The horse I lease I managed to ride for over a year before things started to go bad resulting in him dumping me and me getting hurt.

I am not real fit but I think my balance is probably okay. With my job I just don’t have time to ride more than one or two days a week. One reason why I wasn’t setting high goals of showing or anything. Just wanted to make a little progress over time. I know other people that only ride on the weekends and they are successful even if it just taking a trail ride. So while I know my lack of time to ride is not the ideal situation, I wouldn’t think it would be a complete deal breaker as far as riding.

[BabyGoose]

@AnastasiaBeaverhousen

OP Please select the response that most represents the response you are looking for…

A) Yes. You suck at this. Give it up before you ruin anymore horses.

B) Oh you poor thing. You don’t suck at this. Keep trying.

C) You just have bad luck with horses and trainers.

D) Get an animal communicator and see what your horse says.

I can take a stab at what is going on here.
You are pumping on the gas and stepping on the brakes at the same time . This will evoke a lack of merriment in the kindest and gentlest horse over time.
I also think you have a problem listening and doing what your trainer tells you because
a) you got a running dialogue going on in your head due to anxiety
b) you have something physical going on which prevents you from being able to sit correctly… i.e. balance inner ear or hip or spine issues.

You may want to have a physical to check these things out.
And see someone about cognitive therapy and meds for anxiety. There is no need to be ashamed of this. A lot of people have anxiety issues and still manage to ride and enjoy it.

Now if you posted on here because you are attention seeking well you will get results but maybe not what you wanted.

You strike me as a “yes but” er . When someone makes a suggestion you come up with 20 reasons why you can’t do it.

Do you do this with your trainer?

If you don’t want to seek therapy there are some things you can do to alleviate stress before you ride

If you are anxious about riding then own it. Learn some meditative self-calming techniques to quiet your mind. Get some lavender spray and put some on your wrists or your riding gloves. It is good for the nerves.

If you are anxious about anything else don’t try to ride until you’ve resolved it. Horses read body language. That is how they communicate. So if you are feeling tense about anything at all they are going to pick up on that.

I truly hope you find out what the real problem is so that you can fully experience the joy that comes from being around horses.

E. None of the above…

I simply wanted to talk to some other horse people.

I don’t believe I am pumping on the gas and stepping on the brakes at the same time.

I listen to and do exactly what my trainer tells me and yes I have a running dialogue in my head due to anxiety. I own it, acknowledge it and fight it every single ride. I know it is a weakness and big one.

I might have a physical problem. I have been seeing a bunch of Dr.s for routine stuff this year as well as for my injuries. I will definitely be looking into any issues that might be causing me additional problems. I do have bulging disks in my neck and maybe it is causing more problems than I think. Although I have had several nerve response tests done recently to make sure I have no lasting problems from my head injury. All seemed good with those initial tests. Doesn’t mean there isn’t something wrong. I will be looking into it.

I didn’t post here to seek attention and I will take into consideration and appreciate all the posts I get. Even the ones that think I am just attention seeking.

Many people here have had good suggestions, and I am not saying “but er”… I have clarified that some of the suggestions I have already tried.

I have not said I didn’t want to seek therapy. I am considering it and sorting out which might be the best way to go. Sports psychologist, more in depth medical tests, not sure which is the best route for me at this point. But I hadn’t even thought about a sports psychologist until someone mentioned it on this thread. So I am not blowing off everybody’s suggestions.

Yes, I am anxious about riding. Sometimes even scared to death. I OWN IT. I acknowledge it, my trainer knows it and we work on it all… the … time. My trainer brought in a yoga teacher that comes to the barn once a week and does a chair yoga session to help her riders learn to feel their bodies better and calm their minds. I was really enjoying it and was planning on going into yoga more seriously and trying to take a few classes a week at night. My riding injury put that on hold for a bit, but I am close to being able to start back up with it soon.

[BabyGoose]

@NC001

OP I think you are being hard on yourself and expecting too much. I agree with pp saying to get involved with horses other than just riding for awhile. But I also feel like you should take lessons and half lease a lesson horse- one you know will be kept schooled so you can relax some and not worry so much. I dont see why you couldnt trail ride with others where a confident horse leads the way so you wouldnt have to worry so much about being the confident leader to your horse. And then see how things go. Do what is fun for you- you dont have to own a horse and improve your riding each week, just try to enjoy what you are doing.
I see many timid children that ride in lessons and yes sometimes the horses take advantage of them but they are safe and having a good time. I am sure you can too.

Someone else mentioned that maybe I was trying too hard. I think that could be factoring into it. I said in another post I almost feel desperate at this point to make it work. So that is likely causing me more anxiety. The horse I was leasing was kept in full training, so he was being schooled when I wasn’t riding him. If I do chose to start riding again, I will be sticking to my trainers lesson horses for awhile. I don’t even want to get into a lease right now. The cost of leasing and keeping a horse in full time training was adding to my stress, so just riding lesson horses at this point is my best option.

[BabyGoose]

@phoebetrainer

What is your confidence or assertiveness like in the rest of your life? Can you tell people “No”, or “I want to do this” and express your own wants and needs when they are or might be different from those of the people around you?
Once you are sure you are confident and acting that way in the rest of your life, I would suggest hours in the saddle. Not once or twice a week, but hours every day, for days in a row. Can you get on to a ranch or farm where they use horses for stock work? We talk about wet saddle blankets being good for some horses - well I think that sore muscles / butt can be good for some riders.

It does seem to me that you have worked really hard at this - maybe it won’t work for you. What is your mini like for you to handle? Does s/he walk all over you?

Unfortunately I have never been a confident person in life in general. I know this is a big part of the problem, just don’t know how to fix it. And putting on the act of being confident is not fooling the horses at all!

I wish I had time to ride more, but I just don’t at this point in my life. I will either need to wait for retirement or work around it. My trainer lives an hour from me, so as the daylight hours shorten, I really am out of luck except weekends. During the summer I was sometimes able to get an extra day or two in during the week by riding really early in the morning, or going up after work in the evening.

I can handle my mini (used to be minis, but I have lost all but one over the last 10 years or so) better. He does test me, but I have more confidence in correcting him. I am definitely more confident with the minis. Even though I know they could hurt me too (one kick could take me out at the knee cap!) for some reason I am much more confident with them.